|| (pity party)

There is something between me and the others here that is serving as a serious barrier from making connections. It's getting beyond disheartening. It's getting hopeless.

I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.

It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.

I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.

For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.

I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.

In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.