I always dread writing my research papers. And yet when I finally get to the point where I have to write them or fail my classes, I realize how awesome they are. Not my papers in particular but the topics I'm researching. I realize that the reason I chose my topics was because they were interesting to me. It's always sad when I'm finally cramming to finish my papers before they're due and I'm just thinking, "I want to read more! I want to find more! I want to write about more!" Because I can't. Well, at least not for the paper. I can always do more on my own later. Except I don't. Because as soon as the paper is done I think reading research is boring again.
Right now I'm working on a paper studying the role of religiosity on older adults' mental health. It's cool stuff!
But my paper is due Monday and I have other papers due Monday that I have yet to finish/start. So I'm barreling through this one. And that makes me sad.
4.12.10
2.12.10
Hanukkah
Every year Hanukkah comes and goes without me realizing it. EXCEPT THIS YEAR. Yesterday was the first day of Hanukkah. I really want to buy a menorah but I have no idea where I would get one in Utah. I found out you can order them online from Target but that wouldn't get to me in time to celebrate. Also, stupid renting rules say I can't have lit candles in my apartment anyway. Booooo.
BUT I really want to make latkes and sufganiyot. And I want to do it for Hanukkah. Unfortunately I don't think I'll have time until classes end. Fortunately classes end on the last day of Hanukkah. (Although if Hanukkah technically ends at sundown, then it will be too late for an actual Hanukkah celebration by the time I can make anything anyway. Oh well!)
I really just want a legitimate reason to make cool pancakes and jelly-filled doughnuts. (Even though celebrating Hanukkah might not count as a legitimate reason since I'm not Jewish...)
Sometimes I really do just love the holiday season. Sometimes I don't. Right now I do.
BUT I really want to make latkes and sufganiyot. And I want to do it for Hanukkah. Unfortunately I don't think I'll have time until classes end. Fortunately classes end on the last day of Hanukkah. (Although if Hanukkah technically ends at sundown, then it will be too late for an actual Hanukkah celebration by the time I can make anything anyway. Oh well!)
I really just want a legitimate reason to make cool pancakes and jelly-filled doughnuts. (Even though celebrating Hanukkah might not count as a legitimate reason since I'm not Jewish...)
Sometimes I really do just love the holiday season. Sometimes I don't. Right now I do.
16.11.10
Next Semester
I feel like such a bum dropping my gerontology minor. I already dropped my psych minor. But hey, the point of the gerontology minor was because I wanted to work specifically with the older adult population. I'm not so sure I want to do that anymore AND even if I did, I don't need the minor to do that, I've already taken all but one of the classes for the minor. I still need to an internship which I won't have the time to complete before April graduation. I could extend graduation to August but if Brenden will be graduating in April then I'd prefer to be done as well so we can move wherever we'll be moving to, get settled, find jobs, etc. Eep. That's an interesting idea.
Also, by dropping my gerontology minor I will be able to work on more research next semester- an option I am very interested in. This research will be with one of the professors I TA for right now. I will also be taking one of his courses next semester. Plus, I'll still be working as his TA. I will really get to know Dr. Dyer. All I'll need to do is meet his family and maybe babysit his kids and we've got all bases covered.
Next semester shouldn't be too difficult. *crosses fingers* I saved a few of my GEs for the very end and I don't anticipate them being too bad. I won't even be working as many hours (which is actually really unfortunate since I'll probably really need the money).
Here's my tentative schedule with commentary:
EXSC 136: Beginning Gymnastics (0.5)
In third grade, I wrote a paper on how I was going to be on the USA Olympic Gymnastics team by the time I was 15. I didn't realize that was ridiculous. I thought 15 was SO OLD and I'd have enough time to learn everything. Also, I didn't realize I sucked at gymnastics. Obviously that dream never came true. However, I figure I owe it to myself to learn how to do that back handspring that has been so elusive to me for so many years. Plus, the balance beam is one of my most favorite things ever. I'm a little wary of the vault (running full speed at stationary objects is something I've avoided doing most of my life) but think it will be really cool if I could do anything on it. And the uneven bars, oh uneven bars- just let me not fall off and die and we'll be good friends.
ENGL 315: Writing in the Social Sciences (3.0)
I can't put this class off any longer. I'm sure it's going to be one of those classes where I'm like, "This would've been so helpful had I taken it sooner." Will I regret not having taken it sooner? Probably not. Since high school, I've doubted in my abilities to write well (THANK YOU MR. CROCKER) and though this doubt hasn't been reinforced in college I still do not look forward to having to take a writing class. Yes, yes, good writing is necessary for success in college, graduate school, life, eternity, whatever. This knowledge doesn't make me any more excited to take this class.
HUM 202: Western Humanities 2 (3.0)
I've avoided this class for many of the same reasons I avoided ENGL 315- I figured it would be much like an English class where I would need to write and then have my writing abilities graded. I'm currently taking HUM 201 from the same professor I'll be taking this from next semester and I've found I really enjoy the subject matter. I am glad I'm taking it now rather than earlier though because it's one of those classes I don't really need to stress about. Easy peasy.
RELA 212: New Testament (2.0)
I needed more credit hours. I figured a good way to fulfill this requirement would be through studying the scriptures. Hey, I'll be doing it anyway, right? Also, I miss taking BYU religion classes. I haven't taken any since last fall. Some people complain about them but I really, really enjoy them. (I think it's dumb when people complain about religion classes being too difficult, not because they aren't difficult but because people assume they should be easy. Come on people- you're studying the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I think you can afford to put some effort into it.)
ANTHR 108R: Anthro Films (1.0)
Originally I added this class because I needed more credit hours. Since I've added the research class, I don't actually need this credit hour. However, I'm still planning on taking the class because it sounds like it will be very interesting. It's just once a week and all we do is watch ethnographic films to study different cultures and ethnographic filmmaking. I'm really curious as to what the coursework actually entails.
SFL 460: Advanced Family Processes (3.0)
I will be taking this class with Dr. Dyer. I took the introductory family processes course last summer (2009) from a graduate student and feel like I missed a lot by doing that. Right now, I'm a TA for the introductory course and I've really enjoyed going to the classes and studying the material (in order to present it to students). While I hate grading, it's reinforced my knowledge of the material. Hopefully, I'll do okay in this class. I was going to take it this semester but dropped it the second week of classes because it looked like way more work than I wanted to put into it this semester.
SFL 403R: Research/Creative Works Practicum (3.0)
This class is for the research I'll be doing with Dr. Dyer next semester. We'll be studying incarcerated fathers and their family relationships. I didn't realize how interesting this subject matter was to me until recently while working on a research paper for another class about African-American mother-headed households. Did you know that 10% of African-American children have at least one incarcerated parent, usually the father? Anyway, I'm excited for this. A lot.
Well, I've reached the end of my blog post. I can no longer procrastinate my homework for the evening. Especially if I want enough time to make pancakes. Oh man, I want some pancakes. Go go motivation!
Also, by dropping my gerontology minor I will be able to work on more research next semester- an option I am very interested in. This research will be with one of the professors I TA for right now. I will also be taking one of his courses next semester. Plus, I'll still be working as his TA. I will really get to know Dr. Dyer. All I'll need to do is meet his family and maybe babysit his kids and we've got all bases covered.
Next semester shouldn't be too difficult. *crosses fingers* I saved a few of my GEs for the very end and I don't anticipate them being too bad. I won't even be working as many hours (which is actually really unfortunate since I'll probably really need the money).
Here's my tentative schedule with commentary:
EXSC 136: Beginning Gymnastics (0.5)
In third grade, I wrote a paper on how I was going to be on the USA Olympic Gymnastics team by the time I was 15. I didn't realize that was ridiculous. I thought 15 was SO OLD and I'd have enough time to learn everything. Also, I didn't realize I sucked at gymnastics. Obviously that dream never came true. However, I figure I owe it to myself to learn how to do that back handspring that has been so elusive to me for so many years. Plus, the balance beam is one of my most favorite things ever. I'm a little wary of the vault (running full speed at stationary objects is something I've avoided doing most of my life) but think it will be really cool if I could do anything on it. And the uneven bars, oh uneven bars- just let me not fall off and die and we'll be good friends.
ENGL 315: Writing in the Social Sciences (3.0)
I can't put this class off any longer. I'm sure it's going to be one of those classes where I'm like, "This would've been so helpful had I taken it sooner." Will I regret not having taken it sooner? Probably not. Since high school, I've doubted in my abilities to write well (THANK YOU MR. CROCKER) and though this doubt hasn't been reinforced in college I still do not look forward to having to take a writing class. Yes, yes, good writing is necessary for success in college, graduate school, life, eternity, whatever. This knowledge doesn't make me any more excited to take this class.
HUM 202: Western Humanities 2 (3.0)
I've avoided this class for many of the same reasons I avoided ENGL 315- I figured it would be much like an English class where I would need to write and then have my writing abilities graded. I'm currently taking HUM 201 from the same professor I'll be taking this from next semester and I've found I really enjoy the subject matter. I am glad I'm taking it now rather than earlier though because it's one of those classes I don't really need to stress about. Easy peasy.
RELA 212: New Testament (2.0)
I needed more credit hours. I figured a good way to fulfill this requirement would be through studying the scriptures. Hey, I'll be doing it anyway, right? Also, I miss taking BYU religion classes. I haven't taken any since last fall. Some people complain about them but I really, really enjoy them. (I think it's dumb when people complain about religion classes being too difficult, not because they aren't difficult but because people assume they should be easy. Come on people- you're studying the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I think you can afford to put some effort into it.)
ANTHR 108R: Anthro Films (1.0)
Originally I added this class because I needed more credit hours. Since I've added the research class, I don't actually need this credit hour. However, I'm still planning on taking the class because it sounds like it will be very interesting. It's just once a week and all we do is watch ethnographic films to study different cultures and ethnographic filmmaking. I'm really curious as to what the coursework actually entails.
SFL 460: Advanced Family Processes (3.0)
I will be taking this class with Dr. Dyer. I took the introductory family processes course last summer (2009) from a graduate student and feel like I missed a lot by doing that. Right now, I'm a TA for the introductory course and I've really enjoyed going to the classes and studying the material (in order to present it to students). While I hate grading, it's reinforced my knowledge of the material. Hopefully, I'll do okay in this class. I was going to take it this semester but dropped it the second week of classes because it looked like way more work than I wanted to put into it this semester.
SFL 403R: Research/Creative Works Practicum (3.0)
This class is for the research I'll be doing with Dr. Dyer next semester. We'll be studying incarcerated fathers and their family relationships. I didn't realize how interesting this subject matter was to me until recently while working on a research paper for another class about African-American mother-headed households. Did you know that 10% of African-American children have at least one incarcerated parent, usually the father? Anyway, I'm excited for this. A lot.
Well, I've reached the end of my blog post. I can no longer procrastinate my homework for the evening. Especially if I want enough time to make pancakes. Oh man, I want some pancakes. Go go motivation!
12.11.10
\\
An interesting project for me recently has been trying to find that balance between getting everything done and staying sane. As the semester comes quickly to a close, I realize that those papers, projects, and exams that seemed so far away are now due. And they're in the next hour. Well, not really, but it certainly seems so. As a TA, I also have the great privilege of grading students' final papers and projects (not exams, thankfully my professors spared me those). By Tuesday, there will over 600 papers to grade for one class, in addition to the projects turned in last week that take a significant amount of effort and time to grade.
As I face these things to do, I plan my hours each week to make sure I have enough time to do everything. I've been doing this since this summer in a notebook I've properly labeled my "OCD Notebook" (which, by the way, is nearly full- that simple fact shows you a tiny bit of my own craziness.) I've found that this activity of budgeting my time hasn't actually been as effective as I originally planned it to be because I have a tendency of not following the rigid schedule I'd outlined. Not following that rigid schedule, however, has kept me sane. This usually means that I don't finish my reading for classes, I don't give myself as much time as I'd want on a paper, projects keep getting shoved to another week- AND IT'S TOTALLY FINE. People- this is monumental for me. I remember just last semester, crying one night because I realized I wouldn't have enough time to finish my assigned reading before class started in the morning (this professor literally assigned hundreds of pages to read a week, something I wasn't yet used to/still not used to). I never knew I could DECIDE what to do with my time. I never knew I had that option.
Though I have (literally) hundreds of papers and projects to grade, in an effort to maintain sanity, I am going to go buy a sketchbook this weekend and draw something. I have been aching to scratch some graphite on paper for a long, long time now. I will never "have" the time to draw so I'll make the time. That may mean I don't get a 100% on my papers or exams next week but I've defined myself too long by what assignment I've finished, what exam I've aced that I've forgotten about who I am beyond these academic lines. Drawing is something I've missed doing. (I've really wanted to go to the Bean museum and sketch some animals.) Maybe I'll get back to art journaling eventually too.
Also, I really need to buy an Explosions in the Sky album. After my computer crashed, I lost all of their music and I want it back.
As I face these things to do, I plan my hours each week to make sure I have enough time to do everything. I've been doing this since this summer in a notebook I've properly labeled my "OCD Notebook" (which, by the way, is nearly full- that simple fact shows you a tiny bit of my own craziness.) I've found that this activity of budgeting my time hasn't actually been as effective as I originally planned it to be because I have a tendency of not following the rigid schedule I'd outlined. Not following that rigid schedule, however, has kept me sane. This usually means that I don't finish my reading for classes, I don't give myself as much time as I'd want on a paper, projects keep getting shoved to another week- AND IT'S TOTALLY FINE. People- this is monumental for me. I remember just last semester, crying one night because I realized I wouldn't have enough time to finish my assigned reading before class started in the morning (this professor literally assigned hundreds of pages to read a week, something I wasn't yet used to/still not used to). I never knew I could DECIDE what to do with my time. I never knew I had that option.
Though I have (literally) hundreds of papers and projects to grade, in an effort to maintain sanity, I am going to go buy a sketchbook this weekend and draw something. I have been aching to scratch some graphite on paper for a long, long time now. I will never "have" the time to draw so I'll make the time. That may mean I don't get a 100% on my papers or exams next week but I've defined myself too long by what assignment I've finished, what exam I've aced that I've forgotten about who I am beyond these academic lines. Drawing is something I've missed doing. (I've really wanted to go to the Bean museum and sketch some animals.) Maybe I'll get back to art journaling eventually too.
Also, I really need to buy an Explosions in the Sky album. After my computer crashed, I lost all of their music and I want it back.
9.11.10
How I've Been Feeling Lately
"What is my life for and what am I going to do with it? I don't know and I'm afraid. I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited. Yet I am not a cretin: lame, blind, and stupid. I am not a veteran, passing my legless, armless days in a wheelchair. I am not that mongoloidish old man shuffling out of the gates of the mental hospital. I have much to live for, yet unaccountably I am sick and sad. Perhaps you could trace my feeling back to my distaste at having to choose between alternatives. Perhaps that's why I want to be everyone- so no one can blame me for being I. So I won't have to take the responsibility for my own character development and philosophy. People are happy - - - if that means being content with your lot: feeling comfortable as the complacent round peg struggling in a round hole, with no awkward or painful edges- no space to wonder or question in. I am not content, because my lot is limiting, as are all others. People specialize; people become devoted to an idea; people "find themselves." But the very content that comes from finding yourself is overshadowed by the knowledge that by doing so you are admitting you are not only a grotesque, but a special kind of grotesque."
- Sylvia Plath
Thank you, Sylvia Plath, for being able to express what I cannot.
- Sylvia Plath
Thank you, Sylvia Plath, for being able to express what I cannot.
5.11.10
MRRRGH.
In an effort to avoid studying for an exam that I will likely end up postponing to Saturday, I have started working on graduate school applications. FUN STUFF. But seriously, waaaaay better than studying.
I talked to one of my professors last week about graduate school and he recommended I go ahead and apply. He said that if it is still a serious consideration of mine, I should still apply even though I may experience hesitancy in doing so. So that's what I'm doing. I'm only planning on applying to four schools (two of which are in the top 5 programs in the nation according to U.S. News) and I have no idea the likelihood that I'll get into any of them. Seriously, my transcript is probably one of the weirdest that any of these admissions committees will see. I have this period of way too many withdrawals then an unexplained absence and then almost perfect grades. What are they supposed to expect from a student like that?
Anyway, schools I'm applying to:
University of Chicago (#3)
University of Michigan- Ann Arbor (#2)
Loyola University Chicago
Arizona State University
Yay!
I talked to one of my professors last week about graduate school and he recommended I go ahead and apply. He said that if it is still a serious consideration of mine, I should still apply even though I may experience hesitancy in doing so. So that's what I'm doing. I'm only planning on applying to four schools (two of which are in the top 5 programs in the nation according to U.S. News) and I have no idea the likelihood that I'll get into any of them. Seriously, my transcript is probably one of the weirdest that any of these admissions committees will see. I have this period of way too many withdrawals then an unexplained absence and then almost perfect grades. What are they supposed to expect from a student like that?
Anyway, schools I'm applying to:
University of Chicago (#3)
University of Michigan- Ann Arbor (#2)
Loyola University Chicago
Arizona State University
Yay!
1.11.10
The Circles of Hello
I'm trying to write an assignment on Dante's Divine Comedy and I keep typing in "Hello" instead of "Hell."
Also, my stomach has a tendency to make really strange noises (outside of the usual loud growls) and right now it keeps making this low rumbling sound. I feel sorry for the person sitting near me wondering what is going on with my digestive system.
Also, my stomach has a tendency to make really strange noises (outside of the usual loud growls) and right now it keeps making this low rumbling sound. I feel sorry for the person sitting near me wondering what is going on with my digestive system.
30.10.10
Work Stress.
When students wonder why their professors are assigning them one major assignment after another, they shouldn't be concerned so much about themselves as they should be about the poor TAs left to grade 760 assignments (not including the 97 that she's gotten behind on because she was too busy putting a review together FOR YOU to succeed on your next exam).
I understand it's frustrating when you're missing grades. But please(!) understand, TAs are students too and if you're turning in that many assignments for one class (a class of three-freaking-hundred) you'll probably not get your grades back in a week. GEEZ.
I understand it's frustrating when you're missing grades. But please(!) understand, TAs are students too and if you're turning in that many assignments for one class (a class of three-freaking-hundred) you'll probably not get your grades back in a week. GEEZ.
27.10.10
Personal reflections
I registered for my classes for my last semester at BYU last night. I'll be applying for graduation soon (as soon as I decide what name I want my diploma to read.)
I feel like so much time has passed since I first came to BYU but on the same line I feel like it went by incredibly fast. It's strange that I can reminisce about things and those things include my time at BYU. It's strange to me that that is now my past.
And I wonder what I've done with these last four years, three of them enrolled at BYU. It's no lie they were eventful. It's just... I wonder what I have to show for them. Sure, by December, I'll be married and by April, I'll have a diploma in hand. And, yes, those are freakin' MAJOR things. And yet, I wonder what I've accomplished in my time here. What have I done to personally develop myself, my talents, my strengths?
I have locked myself into a purely academic mode though this mode is not even as focused on academics as it should be. And because I've locked myself into this mode, I am now experiencing the insecurities that I've suppressed which will surface louder and angrier than before as I get closer and closer to graduation. What do I even enjoy? I've found fulfillment in my academic success. Where will I find this fulfillment when I'm no longer in school? I can shove those insecurities back under the covers for a bit longer by applying to and enrolling in graduate school. But its those same insecurities forcing me to rethink graduate school. Where will I find personal fulfillment after I've graduated? I don't know. Continue on to graduate school? What will I study there? What is it that I am interested in? What do I write for my application essay? "I'm interested in your program because I really just didn't want to stop going to school. Accept me please so I don't have to deal with my insecurities too intensely right now."
In addition to being confused about future plans, sometimes I just get sad. In winter it's more prevalent, more obvious. I wonder if it could be seasonal affective disorder or just a side effect of nearing deadlines of projects, final exams. However, these feelings aren't unique to my experience in college (with projects and finals), I can recall specific experiences in high school when these feelings were apparent during the winter. Holidays (particularly Christmastime) have always been a difficult time for me. I'm usually most depressed during this time and then I add in a good amount of feelings of guilt since I feel like it isn't right for me to be depressed at "the most wonderful time of the year."
Sometimes I wonder if I should try antidepressants again. Prozac didn't work for me before so I gave up on it and just struggled through overcoming difficult feelings. I hear of people having really good experiences with their medications "life is so much brighter," "things seem so much clearer." They always reference being able to see things better. At the same time, I don't know if they're really necessary. I kind of view antidepressants (for myself) as being that life vest you put on when the plane is going down and you are about to land in a big thing called an ocean. You can't do anything about the crash all you can do is try to keep yourself afloat. I don't think I'm heading towards a crash so I'll keep that life vest out of sight.
I'm not feeling overwhelmed. It's more a feeling of defeat, though defeat to what I don't really know. This post isn't necessarily a post to whine or seek comfort (and if it was this was a poor venue because there are a whole five or six people who read/know about this blog. I think knowing there are few people that read this blog is what comforts me. I want to tell the world but at the same time I want to keep it quiet.) This post is of my personal reflections and questions not my despair.
A quick to-do list to clear my thoughts:
Finish grading 160 quizzes
Grading 290 quizzes
Grade 290 SPSS assignments
Grade 160 genograms
Grade 160 family flag assignments
Email Russ tomorrow evening about selling contract
Remind Brenden he needs his birth certificate
Decide on picture for wedding invites
Get addresses for wedding invites
Write 480 paper
Write 334 write-up
Read 354 research article
Print off 160 grading rubrics
Read 480
Research internship sites
Study for 480 exam (Tuesday)
Study for 201 exam (Thursday)
Meet with Dr. Bean in the morning
Write Susan
Always, always. My posts never turn out how I intend them to.
I feel like so much time has passed since I first came to BYU but on the same line I feel like it went by incredibly fast. It's strange that I can reminisce about things and those things include my time at BYU. It's strange to me that that is now my past.
And I wonder what I've done with these last four years, three of them enrolled at BYU. It's no lie they were eventful. It's just... I wonder what I have to show for them. Sure, by December, I'll be married and by April, I'll have a diploma in hand. And, yes, those are freakin' MAJOR things. And yet, I wonder what I've accomplished in my time here. What have I done to personally develop myself, my talents, my strengths?
I have locked myself into a purely academic mode though this mode is not even as focused on academics as it should be. And because I've locked myself into this mode, I am now experiencing the insecurities that I've suppressed which will surface louder and angrier than before as I get closer and closer to graduation. What do I even enjoy? I've found fulfillment in my academic success. Where will I find this fulfillment when I'm no longer in school? I can shove those insecurities back under the covers for a bit longer by applying to and enrolling in graduate school. But its those same insecurities forcing me to rethink graduate school. Where will I find personal fulfillment after I've graduated? I don't know. Continue on to graduate school? What will I study there? What is it that I am interested in? What do I write for my application essay? "I'm interested in your program because I really just didn't want to stop going to school. Accept me please so I don't have to deal with my insecurities too intensely right now."
In addition to being confused about future plans, sometimes I just get sad. In winter it's more prevalent, more obvious. I wonder if it could be seasonal affective disorder or just a side effect of nearing deadlines of projects, final exams. However, these feelings aren't unique to my experience in college (with projects and finals), I can recall specific experiences in high school when these feelings were apparent during the winter. Holidays (particularly Christmastime) have always been a difficult time for me. I'm usually most depressed during this time and then I add in a good amount of feelings of guilt since I feel like it isn't right for me to be depressed at "the most wonderful time of the year."
Sometimes I wonder if I should try antidepressants again. Prozac didn't work for me before so I gave up on it and just struggled through overcoming difficult feelings. I hear of people having really good experiences with their medications "life is so much brighter," "things seem so much clearer." They always reference being able to see things better. At the same time, I don't know if they're really necessary. I kind of view antidepressants (for myself) as being that life vest you put on when the plane is going down and you are about to land in a big thing called an ocean. You can't do anything about the crash all you can do is try to keep yourself afloat. I don't think I'm heading towards a crash so I'll keep that life vest out of sight.
I'm not feeling overwhelmed. It's more a feeling of defeat, though defeat to what I don't really know. This post isn't necessarily a post to whine or seek comfort (and if it was this was a poor venue because there are a whole five or six people who read/know about this blog. I think knowing there are few people that read this blog is what comforts me. I want to tell the world but at the same time I want to keep it quiet.) This post is of my personal reflections and questions not my despair.
A quick to-do list to clear my thoughts:
Finish grading 160 quizzes
Grading 290 quizzes
Grade 290 SPSS assignments
Grade 160 genograms
Grade 160 family flag assignments
Email Russ tomorrow evening about selling contract
Remind Brenden he needs his birth certificate
Decide on picture for wedding invites
Get addresses for wedding invites
Write 480 paper
Write 334 write-up
Read 354 research article
Print off 160 grading rubrics
Read 480
Research internship sites
Study for 480 exam (Tuesday)
Study for 201 exam (Thursday)
Meet with Dr. Bean in the morning
Write Susan
Always, always. My posts never turn out how I intend them to.
23.10.10
I really shouldn't title this blog post Facebook because this is a tiny, tiny fraction of what I have to say about facebook.
It's just a little sad to me when I see under people's profiles "Looking for" section "Friendship."
I know it doesn't (usually) mean what I read it to mean but it just seems so sad.
So many people are looking for friendship.
It's just a little sad to me when I see under people's profiles "Looking for" section "Friendship."
I know it doesn't (usually) mean what I read it to mean but it just seems so sad.
So many people are looking for friendship.
20.10.10
//
Work work work work work work work.
School school school school school school school school.
MY LIFE.
I have a little problem. I have two papers due and two exams to take next week and no motivation. COME ON THANKSGIVING.
I have class in 38 minutes. I got up from an unsuccessful nap 30 minutes ago. My roommate has a tendency to leave the bedroom door wide open any time I'm sleeping. This is problematic when I have other roommates who do laundry at 5 in the morning (my bedroom door is across from the washer/dryer). This is also problematic when I take naps in the middle of the day and I have loud roommates (who talk loudly and excitedly and sing especially loudly). This is really problematic when I am a light sleeper and even ear plugs fail me.
I accidentally went to Mass yesterday. It was great. Like seriously. Sometimes I really miss my Catholic schools and mandatory attendance at Mass. Maybe I'll drag Brenden to Midnight Mass this Christmas. :)
School school school school school school school school.
MY LIFE.
I have a little problem. I have two papers due and two exams to take next week and no motivation. COME ON THANKSGIVING.
I have class in 38 minutes. I got up from an unsuccessful nap 30 minutes ago. My roommate has a tendency to leave the bedroom door wide open any time I'm sleeping. This is problematic when I have other roommates who do laundry at 5 in the morning (my bedroom door is across from the washer/dryer). This is also problematic when I take naps in the middle of the day and I have loud roommates (who talk loudly and excitedly and sing especially loudly). This is really problematic when I am a light sleeper and even ear plugs fail me.
I accidentally went to Mass yesterday. It was great. Like seriously. Sometimes I really miss my Catholic schools and mandatory attendance at Mass. Maybe I'll drag Brenden to Midnight Mass this Christmas. :)
17.10.10
How I've Been Feeling Lately
Exhausted. Brenden snapped this picture of me at a park in Bellevue where he used to go when he was younger. We had been walking a lot, it was hot, and I was tired.
I appreciate that I don't have all of my exams on the same week anymore. I do not appreciate that I'll have an exam like every week until finals though. No breaks for me. I read, study, write, grade, and take tests. I grade too much and read/study/write too little. At least that's how it feels. Though apparently, I am reading, studying and writing enough for good grades so I guess it's okay (I got A's on 2 of my last 3 exams and set the curve on the third one). I just want to devote more time to my studies. I want to feel prepared when going into a test rather than hoping the time I studied beforehand was enough. No time, no time. I really don't know where it goes.
I pulled out the sketchbook and pencils today for some wedding idea sketches. It was much needed and a lot of fun. I had been itching to set my ideas down on paper for awhile now and just didn't have the time. I just need to do a few more sketches, scan them and send them to my mom.
Now a random cute picture I took of Brenden in downtown Seattle. We are standing outside the Safeco building across the street from the Seattle Public Library. (We really need to take some more pictures. We just don't do anything exciting now that we're back in school.)
13.10.10
Mental Illness Myth Rant
I found my social work class today to actually be pretty interesting. (Unfortunately, this is a rarer occasion than I would like.) We had a social worker from Wasatch Mental Health as a guest speaker. He works at the Wasatch House, a clubhouse for those who struggle with mental illness. His presentation was titled "The Stigma of Mental Illness" and a huge part of this presentation was debunking myths of mental illness. A few things I found interesting in his presentation was that only 6500 people are treated for mental illness in Utah County while it is estimated that 50,000 people suffer from mental illness here. Another thing I found interesting was that there are an estimated 44 million people in the United States that suffer from some form of mental illness. That's a lot of people. Most of them are untreated.
He had two friends come to present with him. These friends were from the Wasatch House. One of them suffered from bipolar disorder with psychotic features and the other suffered from major depression and borderline personality disorder. Their stories were incredible and heartwrenching. The person who had depression and borderline personality was a middle aged LDS woman. She said a lot of her struggle came from people not understanding her and herself not understanding that no matter how faithful she was in the Church, her illnesses were real and would not just go away if she were more righteous.
I HATE THAT MYTH. I hate that it is promulgated throughout the Church by faithful but ignorant members who have never suffered from mental illness themselves. I hate that well-meaning friends and family members make problems of mental illness worse because of their ignorance. Encouraging friends suffering from mental illness to read their scriptures, pray, and attend the temple more is good advice. Telling them that is the way to get rid of depression is idiotic. Mental illness is like any other illness- it is a real tangible illness with symptoms that can greatly affect the daily lives of those who suffer from it. No one would tell someone with diabetes that if they would just pray every day and read their scriptures in the morning and evening that their diabetes will be healed. No one would tell someone with cancer that if they would just go talk to their bishop about what they're struggling with that the cancer will go away. No one should say these same things to people struggling with mental illness and yet they do. And they do it all too often.
I remember the last time I was in the hospital after an overdose. A social worker was assessing my current mental status and trying to decide whether or not to admit me to the psychiatric ward at the hospital. (Side note: I've stayed in a psychiatric ward once and will never do it again. Never ever ever. WORST experience of my life. Actually the worst experience was probably having to ingest the charcoal to treat that overdose before staying. Not that it was my choice at the time and if it came down to it, which hopefully won't happen again, probably wouldn't be later.) He was LDS and asked me if I was LDS. I told him yes and then he proceeded to "educate" me on the consequences of suicide if I truly believed in the Gospel. Which, by the way, he was completely wrong about. (If you want to read about what church leaders have said about suicide see here.) Basically, this social worker was telling me that I was a bad member of the Church because I had overdosed on acetaminophen (as well as a nice combination of aspirin, diphenhydamine, dextromethorphan, doxylamine succinate, pyrilamine maleate and caffeine). He focused on the action only, failing to take into account that I was probably experiencing something other than a desire to be disobedient. I'm sure I could have found something more exciting than downing multiple pills if I was trying to satisfy some craving for rebelliousness. I recall him letting out an exasperated laugh as he talked to me. He was not a nice social worker. I did not appreciate him nor his efforts to "help" me. I'm really not sure if he was well-intentioned or not in this case. If I had remembered his name, I would have filed a complaint. He was really that rude. His comments were incredibly hurtful and I still remember their sting. There I was, in a hospital room, with an IV in my arm, having just overdosed, with him telling me I sure am lucky I didn't die because I would have gone to hell if I did and I better not try it again because as far as he knows hell is not a fun place. I have names for that man that I cannot say aloud or online. I shouldn't even think them. I have some stuff I need to work on...
It just bothers me so much that people who struggle with mental illness, particularly depression, are being told that if they tried harder, if they did better at following the commandments, building a relationship with God, reading the scriptures, praying, fulfilling their callings, they will feel better; they will be better.
Let's try to understand this: a person that has depression struggling with feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, self-hate (in addition to at least four other symptoms of depression) is then advised by a well-meaning, ill-informed friend that if they prayed more their bad feelings will go away. These bad feelings don't go away because depression is an illness that if left untreated will worsen (LIKE ANY OTHER ILLNESS). What is a person struggling with depression supposed to think when after taking this advice (praying more, meeting with his/her bishop, fasting, reading his/her scriptures more) his/her feelings worsen? He/she may be thinking
a) "I am not good enough. I am still not trying hard enough. It is my fault I am not better."
b) "I must be a very horrible person for God to not answer my prayers. God must not love me."
c) "God doesn't exist. I am not getting better because there is no one to answer my prayers."
I give these examples from personal experience. Others may think of different reasons why their prayers for relief from depression are not answered. These are just examples I have personal experience with.
A meeting with a bishop doesn't replace therapy. Praying doesn't replace needed medication. These things (therapy, medications) exist for us to utilize when necessary.
I don't mean to diminish the healing power that comes from Jesus Christ's Atonement in any way. I know that when I relied on therapy and medications alone, I was struggling much more than I needed to. It wasn't until after I had turned to the Lord with my broken spirit and asked for His help, trusting in Him, did I find complete peace. (This in addition to the antidepressants and therapy every other week.)
This reminds me of a story Elder Oaks shared. He said, "The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, “Have you used any remedies?” To those who said no because “we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,” President Young replied: “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body."
I really appreciated Elder Alexander B. Morrison's article on myths of mental illness. I particularly appreciate his closing remarks with which I want to close this entry. He said, "With knowledge and understanding come love, acceptance, empathy, and enfoldment. May God bless us to love all His children, to abandon none, and to lift up and strengthen those suffering and in pain."
He had two friends come to present with him. These friends were from the Wasatch House. One of them suffered from bipolar disorder with psychotic features and the other suffered from major depression and borderline personality disorder. Their stories were incredible and heartwrenching. The person who had depression and borderline personality was a middle aged LDS woman. She said a lot of her struggle came from people not understanding her and herself not understanding that no matter how faithful she was in the Church, her illnesses were real and would not just go away if she were more righteous.
I HATE THAT MYTH. I hate that it is promulgated throughout the Church by faithful but ignorant members who have never suffered from mental illness themselves. I hate that well-meaning friends and family members make problems of mental illness worse because of their ignorance. Encouraging friends suffering from mental illness to read their scriptures, pray, and attend the temple more is good advice. Telling them that is the way to get rid of depression is idiotic. Mental illness is like any other illness- it is a real tangible illness with symptoms that can greatly affect the daily lives of those who suffer from it. No one would tell someone with diabetes that if they would just pray every day and read their scriptures in the morning and evening that their diabetes will be healed. No one would tell someone with cancer that if they would just go talk to their bishop about what they're struggling with that the cancer will go away. No one should say these same things to people struggling with mental illness and yet they do. And they do it all too often.
I remember the last time I was in the hospital after an overdose. A social worker was assessing my current mental status and trying to decide whether or not to admit me to the psychiatric ward at the hospital. (Side note: I've stayed in a psychiatric ward once and will never do it again. Never ever ever. WORST experience of my life. Actually the worst experience was probably having to ingest the charcoal to treat that overdose before staying. Not that it was my choice at the time and if it came down to it, which hopefully won't happen again, probably wouldn't be later.) He was LDS and asked me if I was LDS. I told him yes and then he proceeded to "educate" me on the consequences of suicide if I truly believed in the Gospel. Which, by the way, he was completely wrong about. (If you want to read about what church leaders have said about suicide see here.) Basically, this social worker was telling me that I was a bad member of the Church because I had overdosed on acetaminophen (as well as a nice combination of aspirin, diphenhydamine, dextromethorphan, doxylamine succinate, pyrilamine maleate and caffeine). He focused on the action only, failing to take into account that I was probably experiencing something other than a desire to be disobedient. I'm sure I could have found something more exciting than downing multiple pills if I was trying to satisfy some craving for rebelliousness. I recall him letting out an exasperated laugh as he talked to me. He was not a nice social worker. I did not appreciate him nor his efforts to "help" me. I'm really not sure if he was well-intentioned or not in this case. If I had remembered his name, I would have filed a complaint. He was really that rude. His comments were incredibly hurtful and I still remember their sting. There I was, in a hospital room, with an IV in my arm, having just overdosed, with him telling me I sure am lucky I didn't die because I would have gone to hell if I did and I better not try it again because as far as he knows hell is not a fun place. I have names for that man that I cannot say aloud or online. I shouldn't even think them. I have some stuff I need to work on...
It just bothers me so much that people who struggle with mental illness, particularly depression, are being told that if they tried harder, if they did better at following the commandments, building a relationship with God, reading the scriptures, praying, fulfilling their callings, they will feel better; they will be better.
Let's try to understand this: a person that has depression struggling with feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, self-hate (in addition to at least four other symptoms of depression) is then advised by a well-meaning, ill-informed friend that if they prayed more their bad feelings will go away. These bad feelings don't go away because depression is an illness that if left untreated will worsen (LIKE ANY OTHER ILLNESS). What is a person struggling with depression supposed to think when after taking this advice (praying more, meeting with his/her bishop, fasting, reading his/her scriptures more) his/her feelings worsen? He/she may be thinking
a) "I am not good enough. I am still not trying hard enough. It is my fault I am not better."
b) "I must be a very horrible person for God to not answer my prayers. God must not love me."
c) "God doesn't exist. I am not getting better because there is no one to answer my prayers."
I give these examples from personal experience. Others may think of different reasons why their prayers for relief from depression are not answered. These are just examples I have personal experience with.
A meeting with a bishop doesn't replace therapy. Praying doesn't replace needed medication. These things (therapy, medications) exist for us to utilize when necessary.
I don't mean to diminish the healing power that comes from Jesus Christ's Atonement in any way. I know that when I relied on therapy and medications alone, I was struggling much more than I needed to. It wasn't until after I had turned to the Lord with my broken spirit and asked for His help, trusting in Him, did I find complete peace. (This in addition to the antidepressants and therapy every other week.)
This reminds me of a story Elder Oaks shared. He said, "The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, “Have you used any remedies?” To those who said no because “we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,” President Young replied: “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body."
I really appreciated Elder Alexander B. Morrison's article on myths of mental illness. I particularly appreciate his closing remarks with which I want to close this entry. He said, "With knowledge and understanding come love, acceptance, empathy, and enfoldment. May God bless us to love all His children, to abandon none, and to lift up and strengthen those suffering and in pain."
12.10.10
Rambling to Procrastinate or Procrastinating to Ramble?
Probably the former. I don't want to read, write, and/or grade right now. Please don't make me.
I'm currently listening to Stars' newest album "The Five Ghosts and the Seance." I've listened to this album at least four times a week since I've purchased it a number of weeks ago. I have a tendency to listen to stuff on repeat when I really like it. (Unfortunately for Brenden he doesn't always share my music tastes and even when he does, I do things like listen to the same album at least 4 times a week for over a month and then he stops appreciating its awesomeness.) I first heard "The Five Ghosts" in Seattle at the Stars' concert where they performed each song from the album. That was a fun week. Imogen Heap one night and then Stars the next. Then my research partner, Heidi, got a copy of the album and we listened to it all the time in the car on the way to our appointments. Anyway, it is a good album albeit not good enough to warrant the amount of time I've spent listening to it. Also, I still like their old stuff better. Unfortunately my hard drive crashing got rid of all of their old stuff I had. Oh well.
Man, I wasn't planning on saying ANY of that. I love rambling.
My mom and sister came up this weekend to get some wedding planning done/visit me/check out BYU/cook for and/or feed my friends. I would say it was a pretty productive weekend. Big things that were accomplished: got my wedding dress, got a photographer, got invitations. There were a few other random things we took care of too in addition to squeezing in a football game (where BYU ACTUALLY WON! WHAT?!), hopping fences (yeah, my mom included), and a school performance Brenden took part in.
Right, so wedding planning. It's coming along. Like my grading... but that's another story. We're still trying to decide what kind of theme we want. Or even if we don't use a theme (which will probably be the case) what kind of atmosphere we want at the reception. I feel like the venue and time of year we've picked demands a more formal theme and I've been running through ideas in my mind that align with those demands. But at the same time I've never been very comfortable with formal events and making my own reception pretty formal would be pretty stupid. (Random fact: I can't remember sitting at the dining room table at my house to have a dinner with family and/or friends. It's not that we didn't have dinners with people, we just covered the whole table with platters of food buffet-style and then ate in the living room.)
Sometimes I'll be in the middle of a paragraph and then start looking at stuff online, come back to the post I was working on, and completely lose interest in what I was originally saying. This is what has just happened.
It's for posts like this that my blog is titled what it is. (By the way, word salad is related to psychosis. The proper name for word salad is schizophasia, which, incidently, was the name of an even older online journal I had until I decided I liked the name word salad better. I find it an appropriate title for my ramblings.)
I really ought to start working on some homework.
I'm currently listening to Stars' newest album "The Five Ghosts and the Seance." I've listened to this album at least four times a week since I've purchased it a number of weeks ago. I have a tendency to listen to stuff on repeat when I really like it. (Unfortunately for Brenden he doesn't always share my music tastes and even when he does, I do things like listen to the same album at least 4 times a week for over a month and then he stops appreciating its awesomeness.) I first heard "The Five Ghosts" in Seattle at the Stars' concert where they performed each song from the album. That was a fun week. Imogen Heap one night and then Stars the next. Then my research partner, Heidi, got a copy of the album and we listened to it all the time in the car on the way to our appointments. Anyway, it is a good album albeit not good enough to warrant the amount of time I've spent listening to it. Also, I still like their old stuff better. Unfortunately my hard drive crashing got rid of all of their old stuff I had. Oh well.
Man, I wasn't planning on saying ANY of that. I love rambling.
My mom and sister came up this weekend to get some wedding planning done/visit me/check out BYU/cook for and/or feed my friends. I would say it was a pretty productive weekend. Big things that were accomplished: got my wedding dress, got a photographer, got invitations. There were a few other random things we took care of too in addition to squeezing in a football game (where BYU ACTUALLY WON! WHAT?!), hopping fences (yeah, my mom included), and a school performance Brenden took part in.
Right, so wedding planning. It's coming along. Like my grading... but that's another story. We're still trying to decide what kind of theme we want. Or even if we don't use a theme (which will probably be the case) what kind of atmosphere we want at the reception. I feel like the venue and time of year we've picked demands a more formal theme and I've been running through ideas in my mind that align with those demands. But at the same time I've never been very comfortable with formal events and making my own reception pretty formal would be pretty stupid. (Random fact: I can't remember sitting at the dining room table at my house to have a dinner with family and/or friends. It's not that we didn't have dinners with people, we just covered the whole table with platters of food buffet-style and then ate in the living room.)
Sometimes I'll be in the middle of a paragraph and then start looking at stuff online, come back to the post I was working on, and completely lose interest in what I was originally saying. This is what has just happened.
It's for posts like this that my blog is titled what it is. (By the way, word salad is related to psychosis. The proper name for word salad is schizophasia, which, incidently, was the name of an even older online journal I had until I decided I liked the name word salad better. I find it an appropriate title for my ramblings.)
I really ought to start working on some homework.
6.10.10
On Sleeping
Lately I've been going to bed around 11:30, falling asleep around 12:15, and then waking up at 4:30, 5:00, 5:30, 6:00, and 6:30 before finally getting up around 7:00 to get ready for the day. My alarm is set for 6:30 but I tend to lay around in bed until 7:00 since I've had such a restless night (morning?) and feel like total crap. (Also, I've recently acquired a cold which has not added to good feelings in the morning.)
It's been incredibly frustrating and slightly weird since my roommate has become nocturnal and sits in her bed all night long on her computer. (Seriously, can't she read on her computer in the living room so I don't feel like I'm being watched when I sleep?) I'm not sure if her habits have started to affect my own sleeping patterns or if I've just been incredibly restless because I've been so stressed about each day and the monumental tasks that need to get done each day. Probably the latter even though the glow of the computer screen is a little more than bothersome when I'm trying to sleep.
In other news, I am trying to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow at 8:00am before I pick up my mom and sister from the airport at 10:30 and there is either a gorilla jumping up and down in the apartment next to me or a ridiculously good (bad?) audio system, specifically bass, pounding out some beats. I would really prefer the gorilla option because it would at least be an interesting reason to have my studying interrupted.
It's been incredibly frustrating and slightly weird since my roommate has become nocturnal and sits in her bed all night long on her computer. (Seriously, can't she read on her computer in the living room so I don't feel like I'm being watched when I sleep?) I'm not sure if her habits have started to affect my own sleeping patterns or if I've just been incredibly restless because I've been so stressed about each day and the monumental tasks that need to get done each day. Probably the latter even though the glow of the computer screen is a little more than bothersome when I'm trying to sleep.
In other news, I am trying to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow at 8:00am before I pick up my mom and sister from the airport at 10:30 and there is either a gorilla jumping up and down in the apartment next to me or a ridiculously good (bad?) audio system, specifically bass, pounding out some beats. I would really prefer the gorilla option because it would at least be an interesting reason to have my studying interrupted.
27.9.10
Life Right Now
Consists of:
Reading
Writing
Grading
Tomorrow it will consist of:
Reading
Grading
Studying
How is it that I am taking only 5 classes and have 6 exams within the next two weeks? Totally not fair.
But hey, I'm looking forward to conference weekend and my mom and sister coming to visit!
Reading
Writing
Grading
Tomorrow it will consist of:
Reading
Grading
Studying
How is it that I am taking only 5 classes and have 6 exams within the next two weeks? Totally not fair.
But hey, I'm looking forward to conference weekend and my mom and sister coming to visit!
20.9.10
Oh beautiful Northwest
I miss Seattle. A lot.
A portion of it is the longing I have for more free time (which my internship in Seattle afforded me.) This is funny because when I was in Seattle I wanted more to do. I wanted structure and work to do. Now I have more than enough and I just want to sit around and read and sleep whenever I want to. (Sleep, how I miss you!)
I think mostly I just miss the area. I miss all of the water: the Puget Sound, Lake Washington, Lake Union. I miss the city being fifteen minutes away. I miss Mount Rainier. I miss the Olympic mountains in the distance. I miss how green everything was. I miss the hills and the trees. I miss the Seattle Public Library system. I miss the farmers markets everywhere everyday of the week. I even miss the crows!
I also really miss the families. I think about them every now and then and I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing okay. I hope that what little work I did in Seattle this past summer will translate into something good for families in the future.
The families I interviewed this summer, they were the best part about Seattle. Really.
A portion of it is the longing I have for more free time (which my internship in Seattle afforded me.) This is funny because when I was in Seattle I wanted more to do. I wanted structure and work to do. Now I have more than enough and I just want to sit around and read and sleep whenever I want to. (Sleep, how I miss you!)
I think mostly I just miss the area. I miss all of the water: the Puget Sound, Lake Washington, Lake Union. I miss the city being fifteen minutes away. I miss Mount Rainier. I miss the Olympic mountains in the distance. I miss how green everything was. I miss the hills and the trees. I miss the Seattle Public Library system. I miss the farmers markets everywhere everyday of the week. I even miss the crows!
I also really miss the families. I think about them every now and then and I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing okay. I hope that what little work I did in Seattle this past summer will translate into something good for families in the future.
The families I interviewed this summer, they were the best part about Seattle. Really.
19.9.10
Quote.
"Poor boy, there is no hope for you. I have discovered your great wound; this flower in your side is destroying you."
kafka, the country doctor
kafka, the country doctor
17.9.10
BYU owns my soul
What do I need to do this week?
Grade 3 Essays, 1 Assignment
Review a teacher's exam to make sure it makes sense, then make a test review out of it
Give a test review session
Write 4 essays
Read two books
This in addition to all of the regular reading I need to complete for classes.
I still need to start volunteering.
Most of these things need to be done by Wednesday. This weekend Reuben is in town. What do I do? (Stop blogging for one.)
Grade 3 Essays, 1 Assignment
Review a teacher's exam to make sure it makes sense, then make a test review out of it
Give a test review session
Write 4 essays
Read two books
This in addition to all of the regular reading I need to complete for classes.
I still need to start volunteering.
Most of these things need to be done by Wednesday. This weekend Reuben is in town. What do I do? (Stop blogging for one.)
12.9.10
Oh goodness
A new/old thought and option for graduate school has recently come to mind. I'm now exploring MLIS (Masters of Library and Information Science) programs.
Simmons College
University of Wisconsin- Madison
University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee
Dominican University
Indiana University- Bloomington
I should really, REALLY figure this out soon.
(For my own reference= American Library Association)
Simmons College
University of Wisconsin- Madison
University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee
Dominican University
Indiana University- Bloomington
I should really, REALLY figure this out soon.
(For my own reference= American Library Association)
3.9.10
Fall 2010
This is more of a reference for myself more than anything else.
This semester I am going to:
Take 15 credit hours of
Work 20 hours a week as:
A Teaching Assistant for
A Research Assistant studying
Volunteer 30 hours at Harmony Home Health and Hospice
Apply to social work graduate programs most likely at any combination of these schools:
Plan a wedding
This semester I am going to:
Take 15 credit hours of
- HUM 201: Western Humanities 1
- SOC W 200: Introduction to Social Work
- SFL 334: Adult Development and Aging
- SFL 354: Cross Cultural Family and Human Development
- SFL 480: Moral Foundations in Family Life
Work 20 hours a week as:
A Teaching Assistant for
- SFL 160: Introduction to Family Processes
- SFL 290: Critical Inquiry and Research methods
A Research Assistant studying
- The physiological effects of stress on an adolescent when discussing areas of conflict with a parent
- The effect of paternal incarceration on a family (very broad right now, we haven't discussed things we want to study specifically yet)
Volunteer 30 hours at Harmony Home Health and Hospice
Apply to social work graduate programs most likely at any combination of these schools:
- University of Chicago
- Loyola University Chicago
- University of Michigan- Ann Arbor
- University of Wisconsin- Madison
- Boston College
- Boston University
- Arizona State University
- Brigham Young University
Plan a wedding
21.7.10
Boo.
MY COMPUTER'S HARD DRIVE CRASHED.
And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.
Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.
Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.
It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.
And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.
Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.
Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.
It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.
30.5.10
|| (pity party)
There is something between me and the others here that is serving as a serious barrier from making connections. It's getting beyond disheartening. It's getting hopeless.
I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.
It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.
I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.
For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.
I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.
In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.
I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.
It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.
I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.
For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.
I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.
In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.
15.5.10
//
I'm one of those people who think conversation is necessary when people are in close proximity. Except that I'm incredibly shy. When I don't know people very well, especially in large groups, I CANNOT talk to people. This makes for intense discomfort, even pain at times, on my part. And I am keenly aware of this discomfort and pain. Keenly aware. I'm not sure what this means for me and making friends. I watch people trying to figure out what it is that they do. How they talk to people so naturally. I simply can't figure out how they talk to each other so easily. I feel like I know the people on my team well enough to hold a decent conversation about things we may have in common and yet anytime I try to say anything in a casual manner, I end up feeling incredibly awkward and almost robotic. I try laughing when people make jokes just so they know I'm still there. And even then, I disappear because everyone else is laughing and their laughter is louder than mine because they are genuinely happy and not just pretending to be so people will remember their presence.
I realized how much of a problem this was when the thought of seriously googling "how to make friends" ran through my head (Big Bang Theory, anyone?). I think it's all part of self-esteem issues that I didn't realize I still had when I was in the comfort of Provo with already established friendships. When I'm sitting in the car with Brenden I barely breathe because I'm talking so much. Here I offer the front seat to anyone else riding in the car because I know I will just end up awkwardly sitting there hoping people don't notice my lack of contribution to the conversation. At least in the backseat I'm not literally in the middle of the conversation. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have any opinions or care about anything. At all. Ever.
I'm having thoughts I haven't had in a long, long time. And then I doubt my ability to serve a mission without having another breakdown. I think I think too much. Even when I was little, I wrote in my journal that I think too much. I think it really only becomes a problem when I feel I can't talk to anyone about anything. My thoughts collect in my mind and I can't get them out. I think about writing things down and then I'm afraid paper will betray and people will see that I'm a very sad girl who actually thinks a lot more than she lets on. I'm afraid people will leave me. Right now people don't care about who I am. I don't get in anyone's way, I don't necessarily contribute but I don't hurt people either. I'm just there. And because that's good enough for others I realize that even if I made extended efforts to talk and be sociable it really doesn't even matter.
I realized how much of a problem this was when the thought of seriously googling "how to make friends" ran through my head (Big Bang Theory, anyone?). I think it's all part of self-esteem issues that I didn't realize I still had when I was in the comfort of Provo with already established friendships. When I'm sitting in the car with Brenden I barely breathe because I'm talking so much. Here I offer the front seat to anyone else riding in the car because I know I will just end up awkwardly sitting there hoping people don't notice my lack of contribution to the conversation. At least in the backseat I'm not literally in the middle of the conversation. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have any opinions or care about anything. At all. Ever.
I'm having thoughts I haven't had in a long, long time. And then I doubt my ability to serve a mission without having another breakdown. I think I think too much. Even when I was little, I wrote in my journal that I think too much. I think it really only becomes a problem when I feel I can't talk to anyone about anything. My thoughts collect in my mind and I can't get them out. I think about writing things down and then I'm afraid paper will betray and people will see that I'm a very sad girl who actually thinks a lot more than she lets on. I'm afraid people will leave me. Right now people don't care about who I am. I don't get in anyone's way, I don't necessarily contribute but I don't hurt people either. I'm just there. And because that's good enough for others I realize that even if I made extended efforts to talk and be sociable it really doesn't even matter.
1.4.10
asdfjkl;
After several weeks/months of preparation I am CRAMMING to complete my Family Adaptation and Resiliency term paper. It's a measly eight to ten pages. Nothing really. No big deal.
APRIL FOOLS! I barely did ANY preparation. The cramming part was true.
At the end of this month I'm going to be in Seattle. Weird. But good. It's something to look forward to; something I KNOW is going to happen.
Mission papers have kind of stalled. Earlier in the year my stake president said it should be okay for me to turn in my papers early so I went through the whole process. All I have left now is my stake president's interview but now he's not really sure he wants to send in my papers yet. There's like a 90-day rule or something and at first he thought it wasn't a big deal but now he's not so sure. Which means if I don't get them sent in from here, I'll have to take care of everything in Seattle. Which isn't really too big of a deal I guess but still more of a hassle than I was previously anticipating.
Everything concerning the mission is incredibly, frustratingly ambiguous. I don't know when I'll get everything turned in. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of depression issues. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of other issues. Heavenly Father really knew He needed me to commit to this last semester. If I hadn't already committed myself I would've given up. Sad but true.
Due to this ambiguity concerning the fairly near future, I have decided to prepare for school next semester as well. I've already signed up for classes and talked to someone about doing another internship (in Provo). My mom advised me to go ahead and find housing somewhere and we can put down a deposit. I hate hunting for housing. I wouldn't mind staying in Roman Gardens if they would replace the 30 year old radiation emitting microwave and gas oven/stove that gives me headaches and sucks at baking cookies and I wouldn't mind them fixing the holes in the ceilings with asbestos or getting rid of the mold growing in my bathroom. If I wasn't scared of actually dying or becoming infertile (radiating microwave), I might stay at Roman Gardens.
APRIL FOOLS! I barely did ANY preparation. The cramming part was true.
At the end of this month I'm going to be in Seattle. Weird. But good. It's something to look forward to; something I KNOW is going to happen.
Mission papers have kind of stalled. Earlier in the year my stake president said it should be okay for me to turn in my papers early so I went through the whole process. All I have left now is my stake president's interview but now he's not really sure he wants to send in my papers yet. There's like a 90-day rule or something and at first he thought it wasn't a big deal but now he's not so sure. Which means if I don't get them sent in from here, I'll have to take care of everything in Seattle. Which isn't really too big of a deal I guess but still more of a hassle than I was previously anticipating.
Everything concerning the mission is incredibly, frustratingly ambiguous. I don't know when I'll get everything turned in. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of depression issues. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of other issues. Heavenly Father really knew He needed me to commit to this last semester. If I hadn't already committed myself I would've given up. Sad but true.
Due to this ambiguity concerning the fairly near future, I have decided to prepare for school next semester as well. I've already signed up for classes and talked to someone about doing another internship (in Provo). My mom advised me to go ahead and find housing somewhere and we can put down a deposit. I hate hunting for housing. I wouldn't mind staying in Roman Gardens if they would replace the 30 year old radiation emitting microwave and gas oven/stove that gives me headaches and sucks at baking cookies and I wouldn't mind them fixing the holes in the ceilings with asbestos or getting rid of the mold growing in my bathroom. If I wasn't scared of actually dying or becoming infertile (radiating microwave), I might stay at Roman Gardens.
18.3.10
International Cinema/Dean's Lists
BYU is showing Heima in two weeks for International Cinema. I love Sigur Ros and I love that BYU is showing this.
Also, I made TWO Dean's Lists for my academic performance last semester.
- Dean of Students Dean's List (for multicultural, international, and open major students). Meaning I got a 3.95 GPA or higher while taking a minimum of 14 credit hours and maintaining a 3.5 overall GPA.
- College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences Dean's List. Meaning last semester I was in the top 5% of my college.
I highly doubt I'll pull off another 4.0 GPA for a full semester but I'm glad I did it at least once. It makes me feel kinda smart.
Also, I made TWO Dean's Lists for my academic performance last semester.
- Dean of Students Dean's List (for multicultural, international, and open major students). Meaning I got a 3.95 GPA or higher while taking a minimum of 14 credit hours and maintaining a 3.5 overall GPA.
- College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences Dean's List. Meaning last semester I was in the top 5% of my college.
I highly doubt I'll pull off another 4.0 GPA for a full semester but I'm glad I did it at least once. It makes me feel kinda smart.
9.3.10
/Classes/
These are the classes I still need to take before I graduate:
Remaining GE's:
-Civilization 1
-Civilization 2
-Third Year Writing
-American Heritage (Retake)
Major: Family Life- Marriage and Family Emphasis:
-Aging in the Family
-Cross-Cultural Family
-Advanced Family Processes
-Moral Foundations in the Family OR Family and Public Policy OR Marriage and Family Therapy
Minor: Gerontology:
-Sociology of Aging
-Internship (I plan on fulfilling this credit through working with local hospice care.)
Minor: Psychology:
-LDS Perspectives in Psychology
-Personality
-Intro to Social Psychology
-Psychological Statistics
I'm kind of crazy and want to take 18 credit hours for one semester so I can finish both my major and my gerontology minor in just one semester. Those 18 hours would include the internship and if I did that then I probably wouldn't work during that semester. I don't think it would be that different from this semester since I'm currently taking 15 hours and working a part-time job. I would finish my psychology minor in another semester and take one of my civilization classes. Then during a spring term I would take 9 hours of my GE's.
I really just want to finish as soon as I possibly can. But a major thing I need to keep in mind is how well I will perform if I'm rushing through these courses. I need good grades to get into grad school. Booooooooooo.
How do I still have so many classes?
I'm considering dropping the psychology minor. That would leave me with just two more semesters of school and no suicidal tendencies. The psychology minor would probably be helpful in getting into grad school though.
I DON'T KNOW. School drives me crazy. I want to finish it as soon as is humanly possible but I am so glad I'm planning on serving a mission. (Not that I consider a mission some kind of vacation.)
Also. I am so dang mad that I am probably not going to get an A in my stupid Family Adaptation and Resiliency class. How can my professor approve my term paper's research question, let me turn in research assignments pertaining to that specific research question and then tell me after I turn in my detailed outline (a month before the term paper is due) that my question is probably not what he is looking for in the paper? Thankfully I won't have to completely change my question but I will have change it around a bit and find more research that deals directly with the changed question. SOOOO lame.
But in other news, my siblings come next week! (As do two exams.)
Remaining GE's:
-Civilization 1
-Civilization 2
-Third Year Writing
-American Heritage (Retake)
Major: Family Life- Marriage and Family Emphasis:
-Aging in the Family
-Cross-Cultural Family
-Advanced Family Processes
-Moral Foundations in the Family OR Family and Public Policy OR Marriage and Family Therapy
Minor: Gerontology:
-Sociology of Aging
-Internship (I plan on fulfilling this credit through working with local hospice care.)
Minor: Psychology:
-LDS Perspectives in Psychology
-Personality
-Intro to Social Psychology
-Psychological Statistics
I'm kind of crazy and want to take 18 credit hours for one semester so I can finish both my major and my gerontology minor in just one semester. Those 18 hours would include the internship and if I did that then I probably wouldn't work during that semester. I don't think it would be that different from this semester since I'm currently taking 15 hours and working a part-time job. I would finish my psychology minor in another semester and take one of my civilization classes. Then during a spring term I would take 9 hours of my GE's.
I really just want to finish as soon as I possibly can. But a major thing I need to keep in mind is how well I will perform if I'm rushing through these courses. I need good grades to get into grad school. Booooooooooo.
How do I still have so many classes?
I'm considering dropping the psychology minor. That would leave me with just two more semesters of school and no suicidal tendencies. The psychology minor would probably be helpful in getting into grad school though.
I DON'T KNOW. School drives me crazy. I want to finish it as soon as is humanly possible but I am so glad I'm planning on serving a mission. (Not that I consider a mission some kind of vacation.)
Also. I am so dang mad that I am probably not going to get an A in my stupid Family Adaptation and Resiliency class. How can my professor approve my term paper's research question, let me turn in research assignments pertaining to that specific research question and then tell me after I turn in my detailed outline (a month before the term paper is due) that my question is probably not what he is looking for in the paper? Thankfully I won't have to completely change my question but I will have change it around a bit and find more research that deals directly with the changed question. SOOOO lame.
But in other news, my siblings come next week! (As do two exams.)
4.3.10
\\
I had been set on marriage and family therapy. That's what I was going to do. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was an attempt to hold onto an old dream I had.
Time to re-evaluate: What am I passionate about? Where can I best use my talents?
People. I really do love people. I'm really shy but I do care about people. Actually, I care about them quite a bit.
So I'm considering social work (not that there aren't a number of other professions where people can show their love for people). There are so many things I could do with a MSW that involve helping others. In the process of researching social work programs I found something that sounded really awesome. A dual degree program for a masters of social work and public health! There are actually a few schools I've looked at that offer that option. It would take the same amount of time as a MFT program would take (3 years) and it sounds twentymillion times more like something I can be excited about. I think it's definitely something that deserves my attention.
Time to re-evaluate: What am I passionate about? Where can I best use my talents?
People. I really do love people. I'm really shy but I do care about people. Actually, I care about them quite a bit.
So I'm considering social work (not that there aren't a number of other professions where people can show their love for people). There are so many things I could do with a MSW that involve helping others. In the process of researching social work programs I found something that sounded really awesome. A dual degree program for a masters of social work and public health! There are actually a few schools I've looked at that offer that option. It would take the same amount of time as a MFT program would take (3 years) and it sounds twentymillion times more like something I can be excited about. I think it's definitely something that deserves my attention.
22.2.10
//
This is one of those weeks where I wish I was at home or that my mom was here. Where I wish I didn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning or getting to and from school.
This is one of those weeks where there are seriously not enough hours in the day. (I've planned out the use of each hour for the rest of this week and I'm still barely squeezing enough time in to do an article summary for one of my classes.)
Why am I blogging?
Because if I don't take a five minute break from studying I'm going to explode.
This is one of those weeks where there are seriously not enough hours in the day. (I've planned out the use of each hour for the rest of this week and I'm still barely squeezing enough time in to do an article summary for one of my classes.)
Why am I blogging?
Because if I don't take a five minute break from studying I'm going to explode.
7.2.10
||
I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises.
He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated
He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated
29.1.10
\\
Wait. They don't love you like I love you.
This is a line from a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song that is widely known mostly because it is featured on Rock Band.
After taking my first Theories in Family Perspective exam tonight, I hear this line and think this is a sad person trying to appeal to an exchangeist planning on leaving her, claiming his evaluation strategy of alternatives level was not thought out as well as it should have been, that her love for him is better than the love any of the alternatives could provide, that her love for him in this current relationship is a greater reward than what he could get from any of the alternatives, that he should take into account moving costs and if the rewards from his alternatives really do outweigh those costs.
Maps.
Oh say say say. Oh say say say.
What the crap is going on?
Also, I've officially added the Gerontology minor.
This is a line from a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song that is widely known mostly because it is featured on Rock Band.
After taking my first Theories in Family Perspective exam tonight, I hear this line and think this is a sad person trying to appeal to an exchangeist planning on leaving her, claiming his evaluation strategy of alternatives level was not thought out as well as it should have been, that her love for him is better than the love any of the alternatives could provide, that her love for him in this current relationship is a greater reward than what he could get from any of the alternatives, that he should take into account moving costs and if the rewards from his alternatives really do outweigh those costs.
Maps.
Oh say say say. Oh say say say.
What the crap is going on?
Also, I've officially added the Gerontology minor.
23.1.10
//
This is called Procrastinating/Freezing/Freaking out/UGH.
I have no idea how I will ever be able to write a legitimate paper when I can barely do these stupid article summaries.
I think part of my problem is that I'm still not quite sure what I'm looking for and that I'm intimidated by everything that I need to get done. I have 2 article summaries due on Tuesday, 5 due on Friday, 2 exams this week, 2 quizzes, 40 assignments to grade (fairly lengthy assignments, mind you), and on top of all that my regular nearly-overwhelming-on-its-own class readings. Urgh.
Oh yeah. And my MacBook's battery is completely shot. I need to find $130 somewhere to buy another one.
I can't believe next week is the last full week of January. WEIRD. Time sure flies when you're consumed with readings and assignments. Oh let me tell you.
I have no idea how I will ever be able to write a legitimate paper when I can barely do these stupid article summaries.
I think part of my problem is that I'm still not quite sure what I'm looking for and that I'm intimidated by everything that I need to get done. I have 2 article summaries due on Tuesday, 5 due on Friday, 2 exams this week, 2 quizzes, 40 assignments to grade (fairly lengthy assignments, mind you), and on top of all that my regular nearly-overwhelming-on-its-own class readings. Urgh.
Oh yeah. And my MacBook's battery is completely shot. I need to find $130 somewhere to buy another one.
I can't believe next week is the last full week of January. WEIRD. Time sure flies when you're consumed with readings and assignments. Oh let me tell you.
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