MY COMPUTER'S HARD DRIVE CRASHED.
And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.
Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.
Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.
It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
21.7.10
17.9.09
10.8.09
Pseudo-Poetry
Words flooded to mind
Prepared excuses and apologies I thought I wouldn't be using.
(Why did I prepare them then?)
Everything has a reason.
I'm accepting I cannot control this.
I won't talk to you for maybe 28 months or so.
Maybe sooner if I'm lucky.
Maybe longer if I'm not.
Who knows what will happen during that time?
(Heavenly Father)
I'll do my part
And leave the rest to the people in charge.
----------
Stronger than my desire to belt out words
Is my desire to move my body
Leaping across the pavement
Gliding along the grass
Arms flying
Hair, a muted echo of where I've been,
Sometimes covering a face beaming
With hope.
----------
I guess this is peace. This whole not necessarily understanding everything but knowing it will be okay.
I think too much about him still. I mean, of course, it's been, what, a day?
We spoke last night on the phone for awhile as he tried to explain things to me. I gave some suggestions and he said they weren't possible. This is rough. And while I still don't completely understand it, I can accept it. And I will accept it.
It's so crazy how much I've been reminded just today that people care about me and that I'm not alone up here. A friend from spring term randomly contacted me on facebook to see how I was doing, I ran into a friend from back home on my way to class, and then on my way home I saw a wonderful family friend who is teaching at BYU this fall and he invited me for dinner with his family on Sundays. A sister missionary who served in Galveston called me up to schedule dinner sometime this week (this was partly my sister's doing!). Guess what! I'm loved! Even here in Utah! Haha
I still haven't eaten though. I just have no appetite. Not too sure about what to do about that.
Prepared excuses and apologies I thought I wouldn't be using.
(Why did I prepare them then?)
Everything has a reason.
I'm accepting I cannot control this.
I won't talk to you for maybe 28 months or so.
Maybe sooner if I'm lucky.
Maybe longer if I'm not.
Who knows what will happen during that time?
(Heavenly Father)
I'll do my part
And leave the rest to the people in charge.
----------
Stronger than my desire to belt out words
Is my desire to move my body
Leaping across the pavement
Gliding along the grass
Arms flying
Hair, a muted echo of where I've been,
Sometimes covering a face beaming
With hope.
----------
I guess this is peace. This whole not necessarily understanding everything but knowing it will be okay.
I think too much about him still. I mean, of course, it's been, what, a day?
We spoke last night on the phone for awhile as he tried to explain things to me. I gave some suggestions and he said they weren't possible. This is rough. And while I still don't completely understand it, I can accept it. And I will accept it.
It's so crazy how much I've been reminded just today that people care about me and that I'm not alone up here. A friend from spring term randomly contacted me on facebook to see how I was doing, I ran into a friend from back home on my way to class, and then on my way home I saw a wonderful family friend who is teaching at BYU this fall and he invited me for dinner with his family on Sundays. A sister missionary who served in Galveston called me up to schedule dinner sometime this week (this was partly my sister's doing!). Guess what! I'm loved! Even here in Utah! Haha
I still haven't eaten though. I just have no appetite. Not too sure about what to do about that.
7.8.09
Emptying.
I am so used to trying to be the strong one.
I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.
Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.
It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.
Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.
Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.
I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.
It is what it is.
I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.
Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.
It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.
Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.
Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.
I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.
It is what it is.
9.4.09
an email (an answer).
This post is tied to my previous post where I stated a desire to help others with disabilities but not knowing what I could do. This morning I received this email:
Are you planning to stay in Provo over spring and summer? At the University Accessibility Center (UAC) we provide opportunities for students to serve fellow students with disabilities. If you are interested in being a note-taker, campus traveler, test reader/scribe, or other various things, we would love to work with you!
Even if you won’t be on campus over the spring and summer semesters but are interested, don’t be discouraged. We need more volunteers throughout the entire year. To become a volunteer, simply email us at uacvol@byu.edu with your full name, email address, and phone number. Or, you could stop by at our office in 2170 WSC. Once you do this, we will be able to contact you and provide more information on how to get started. We hope to hear from you soon.
University Accessibility Center
2170 WSC
How timely.
I'm going by there today. :)
Are you planning to stay in Provo over spring and summer? At the University Accessibility Center (UAC) we provide opportunities for students to serve fellow students with disabilities. If you are interested in being a note-taker, campus traveler, test reader/scribe, or other various things, we would love to work with you!
Even if you won’t be on campus over the spring and summer semesters but are interested, don’t be discouraged. We need more volunteers throughout the entire year. To become a volunteer, simply email us at uacvol@byu.edu with your full name, email address, and phone number. Or, you could stop by at our office in 2170 WSC. Once you do this, we will be able to contact you and provide more information on how to get started. We hope to hear from you soon.
University Accessibility Center
2170 WSC
How timely.
I'm going by there today. :)
8.4.09
a walk.
Walking back from school today, I found myself quite pleased with life. The day was a pleasant one, overcast and a little windy but not too cold. I find that those days make me feel the happiest. They bring back feelings from my childhood around fall. Fall was always my favorite season. People say that Galveston doesn't really have seasons and I mostly agree. And I've always categorized portions of my life not by the seasons as defined by weather but by seasons defined by the school year. And fall was always my favorite. And I've only ever associated overcast, windy days with learning to ride/continuing to ride my bike during the fall. Windy, overcast days were the only days the weather was decent enough for me to play outside. I love windy overcast days; they bring me back to some of the best memories and feelings of my childhood.
But that's not where I was going with this.
Walking back from school today, I found myself quite pleased with life. The day was a pleasant one, overcast and a little windy but not too cold. I just finished my last midterm for the semester (imagine that! a midterm the week before finals!) and had made an appointment with a counselor to discuss my new major and scheduling. Plus we talked about musical theater in my music class today! I plugged in my headphones and was listening to my ipod as I walked home. I occasionally smiled at strangers like I do when I'm in good moods. When I got to the intersection at Bulldog and University I saw a man across the street from me with a long, thin pole. He was blind and I began to wonder how he would know when to cross the street. This intersection did not have the chirping sounds that some did on campus for those that are seeing-impaired. Somehow he knew because shortly after the "walk" light came on, he began walking. I walked by him and felt like I should do something. He looked like a student, about 20ish carrying a backpack, should I walk with him the rest of the way to campus? Should I shout hello over the sounds of traffic? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out to him with anything, he couldn't see a smile or a wave as a subtle greeting. If wanted to do something it would need to be bigger and a little more generous. But I just walked by. And as I walked by, I was flooded with emotions. At first I felt sad for him, I could not imagine losing my sight or never having it to begin with. My life would feel so empty without the visual memory of the beach at sunrise, or how Japan looked from the airplane as we were landing, or the sight of the kicking, tiny, chubby feet of infants. I tried to shift my sadness to gratitude for my sight and then for medical advancements that make sight better for some people. Then I began to feel happy for this man because despite his handicap he was taking the challenge of attending a university to get an education. And I began to feel more gratitude for this country we live in that makes it possible for those with handicaps to live more normal lives than perhaps those with those same handicaps in other countries. And before I knew it, I had tears threatening to spill over. I was just overwhelmed by so many feelings in such a short time. I didn't even know what feeling it was that prompted the tears to begin with. I just knew I wanted to do more to help this man and people in a similar situation and I didn't know where to begin.
These feelings are good for me. They help me remember that I have so many things to be grateful for and they prompt me to act in good ways towards others. These feelings tell me that I can experience feelings of unselfish love but I need to turn those feelings into actions somehow. I really do want to do so many things for people. I have a feeling that most people want to do more for others than what they are currently doing. But I let my busy schedule get in the way. I think that as soon as this class is over, or as soon as I'm done with this semester, I'll have time and energy to focus on others. I have time and energy now that can be better spent doing things like volunteering with some volunteer group on campus or working with children through BYU's TOPS tutoring program than using my "down" or "free" time to sit around lazily and watch a movie on TV or browse the internet or find myself completely consumed in facebook-ing. This life is not mine. It belongs to my Savior and I should be doing the things that He would have me do.
But that's not where I was going with this.
Walking back from school today, I found myself quite pleased with life. The day was a pleasant one, overcast and a little windy but not too cold. I just finished my last midterm for the semester (imagine that! a midterm the week before finals!) and had made an appointment with a counselor to discuss my new major and scheduling. Plus we talked about musical theater in my music class today! I plugged in my headphones and was listening to my ipod as I walked home. I occasionally smiled at strangers like I do when I'm in good moods. When I got to the intersection at Bulldog and University I saw a man across the street from me with a long, thin pole. He was blind and I began to wonder how he would know when to cross the street. This intersection did not have the chirping sounds that some did on campus for those that are seeing-impaired. Somehow he knew because shortly after the "walk" light came on, he began walking. I walked by him and felt like I should do something. He looked like a student, about 20ish carrying a backpack, should I walk with him the rest of the way to campus? Should I shout hello over the sounds of traffic? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out to him with anything, he couldn't see a smile or a wave as a subtle greeting. If wanted to do something it would need to be bigger and a little more generous. But I just walked by. And as I walked by, I was flooded with emotions. At first I felt sad for him, I could not imagine losing my sight or never having it to begin with. My life would feel so empty without the visual memory of the beach at sunrise, or how Japan looked from the airplane as we were landing, or the sight of the kicking, tiny, chubby feet of infants. I tried to shift my sadness to gratitude for my sight and then for medical advancements that make sight better for some people. Then I began to feel happy for this man because despite his handicap he was taking the challenge of attending a university to get an education. And I began to feel more gratitude for this country we live in that makes it possible for those with handicaps to live more normal lives than perhaps those with those same handicaps in other countries. And before I knew it, I had tears threatening to spill over. I was just overwhelmed by so many feelings in such a short time. I didn't even know what feeling it was that prompted the tears to begin with. I just knew I wanted to do more to help this man and people in a similar situation and I didn't know where to begin.
These feelings are good for me. They help me remember that I have so many things to be grateful for and they prompt me to act in good ways towards others. These feelings tell me that I can experience feelings of unselfish love but I need to turn those feelings into actions somehow. I really do want to do so many things for people. I have a feeling that most people want to do more for others than what they are currently doing. But I let my busy schedule get in the way. I think that as soon as this class is over, or as soon as I'm done with this semester, I'll have time and energy to focus on others. I have time and energy now that can be better spent doing things like volunteering with some volunteer group on campus or working with children through BYU's TOPS tutoring program than using my "down" or "free" time to sit around lazily and watch a movie on TV or browse the internet or find myself completely consumed in facebook-ing. This life is not mine. It belongs to my Savior and I should be doing the things that He would have me do.
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