Yeah.

My upper body is sore and burned. My left arm itches like crazy. But I'm still alive. Hope you're happy.

Monday while I was sobbing on the phone to my father, a friend called and took me to Seven Peaks for free and then to his family's house for hamburgers and hot dogs. It was a good distraction. Hopefully things like that will be more than distractions soon. Hopefully they'll actually be enjoyable.

Yesterday for my birthday I woke up around 7:30, walked to school, ate an english muffin for breakfast, read for my research class, did my office hour, tried to go to devotional but it was packed already, read for abnormal psych class, tried to go see Larita about my work hours and failed since it was her lunch break, read for abnormal psych class, ate a hot pocket (yes, a hot pocket) and sour gummy worms and drank an orange soda, thank you BYU vending, went to the Human Development lecture (it's strange sitting in a class and not actually having to pay attention), got on a bus and went home. At home I tried to do more reading for my research class but ended up taking a nap instead. Hey look guys! I'm still functioning!

I went bowling last night. With Lucinda, George, Adam, Scott, Audrey, Sarah, and Matt. It was good. My roommates and I are going on a road trip to Las Vegas sometime. We're also going country dancing (WHAT?!). Tomorrow I'm cooking for twelve people. I stole some free pizza for cinnamon tree residents yesterday.

Not sure what's going on. I'm not going to write him anymore. At least until he actually gets out or until I can manage to write something that doesn't say, ohgoshineedyousomuchrightnow. I still know his classes and where he's going and when some of his performances are. But I have to ignore that knowledge. Well most of it at least. I cannot see him at all until I have gotten this under control. I don't want to even run into him on campus anymore.

School seems slightly more doable than it did on Sunday. Slightly. I'll try not to fail all of my classes.

My dad is coming up to see me.

Day 2

Today has not been as good a day as yesterday.

It's probably a mix of what happened between me and Brenden plus the fact that I didn't go to Statistics class all last week and never made up the reading and the final exam is 60% of that new material that I have yet to even glance at. Also, I forgot my wallet at home this morning so I went to school and couldn't eat breakfast or lunch. Now I'm waiting for another Natalie to pick me up so we can go have dinner. Hopefully that'll cheer me up.

It settles in after awhile that realization that all those sad break up songs can now be applied directly to your life. You would listen to them all the time and you would sing along but now, it's real. You're feeling the pain. And you're thinking, "I wish this was just a song."

You're thinking, "I wish this wasn't real."

I miss you more than you could possibly comprehend.

I want to go back to this, right now.

It's Happened...

I've become one of those people.

You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind of person who becomes so hysteric that she practically shouts over the person trying to comfort her. That was me. Just earlier. Crying and yelling over the phone while my lungs struggled for air in short, loud, shallow breaths. That was me. Cutting off my parents with shouts of "There's nothing I can do!" and "I don't understand what he meant!" as they tried consoling me.

I deleted the message. The harsh bluntness with which you wrote couldn't possibly have been what you wanted to convey. I deleted it almost immediately. Read it once, twice, three times total and deleted it. It would've been hard to remember what you said last night if I kept that message with me. It's the ending note that lingers at the end of a performance. That's the one stuck in people's heads as they exit the hall. I want to try erasing it just enough so I understand there's nothing I can do to change it while at the same time remembering your hope, your kindness.

This is it, I guess.

It's really over.

Emptying.

I am so used to trying to be the strong one.

I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.

Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.

It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.

Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.

Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.

I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.

It is what it is.

end.

destroy destroy destroy.

everything comes in threes.

ready to catapult into oblivion.
firing mindless words from my bow.
flaming shelters offer no haven.
nothing is free anymore.

this is how it will end.
falling into a vast nothing
with arms flailing, reaching,
trying to grasp anything and

failing.

an update an update!

Someone told me when I graduated that college would be the time during which I would grow the most and become my own person. I think they were right to an extent; I don't think you necessarily have to be at college to take advantage of this period of growth in your life. Late teens and early twenties tend to be when people really start distinguishing themselves from the messy indistinguishable blob that consists of their parents and younger siblings. You don't have to be at school to do that, although much of that learning experience happened while I was at BYU. Now that I'm home I'm still learning a lot. It's weird and unfortunate to think that I'll be twenty soon and I'm still living at my parents' house. The only thing that makes me not start wailing and attacking doors to get out is that I know these last few months will probably be the last months I'll ever spend actually living here. If I don't learn to appreciate my family now, I'll never have a better opportunity. I've realized my family isn't perfect and that all of my siblings have things about them I don't like and then I fantasize about my future family and how perfect they'll be, when in all honesty, there will disagreements and imperfections there too. If I don't gain the skills to just deal with people that aren't like me or appreciate them, then I'm going to have a pretty rough time in life.


Fun Story time:
My family, Summer and her mother, and Brenden watched Shanghai Noon last night. I decided I wanted to try one of the stunts they did on there. Unfortunately, I didn't even consider that even when they did the stunt in the movie, the character ended up on the ground in pain, I just thought it looked cool. So I had Reuben hold my left leg up as I tried to swing my right leg out from underneath me and kick him in the face. Apparently when none of your limbs are touching the ground, you end up falling pretty fast. And hard. I may have finally accepted that just because I'm asian doesn't mean I'm automatically a ninja.