International Cinema/Dean's Lists

BYU is showing Heima in two weeks for International Cinema. I love Sigur Ros and I love that BYU is showing this.

Also, I made TWO Dean's Lists for my academic performance last semester.
- Dean of Students Dean's List (for multicultural, international, and open major students). Meaning I got a 3.95 GPA or higher while taking a minimum of 14 credit hours and maintaining a 3.5 overall GPA.
- College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences Dean's List. Meaning last semester I was in the top 5% of my college.

I highly doubt I'll pull off another 4.0 GPA for a full semester but I'm glad I did it at least once. It makes me feel kinda smart.

/Classes/

These are the classes I still need to take before I graduate:

Remaining GE's:
-Civilization 1
-Civilization 2
-Third Year Writing
-American Heritage (Retake)

Major: Family Life- Marriage and Family Emphasis:
-Aging in the Family
-Cross-Cultural Family
-Advanced Family Processes
-Moral Foundations in the Family OR Family and Public Policy OR Marriage and Family Therapy

Minor: Gerontology:
-Sociology of Aging
-Internship (I plan on fulfilling this credit through working with local hospice care.)

Minor: Psychology:
-LDS Perspectives in Psychology
-Personality
-Intro to Social Psychology
-Psychological Statistics

I'm kind of crazy and want to take 18 credit hours for one semester so I can finish both my major and my gerontology minor in just one semester. Those 18 hours would include the internship and if I did that then I probably wouldn't work during that semester. I don't think it would be that different from this semester since I'm currently taking 15 hours and working a part-time job. I would finish my psychology minor in another semester and take one of my civilization classes. Then during a spring term I would take 9 hours of my GE's.

I really just want to finish as soon as I possibly can. But a major thing I need to keep in mind is how well I will perform if I'm rushing through these courses. I need good grades to get into grad school. Booooooooooo.

How do I still have so many classes?

I'm considering dropping the psychology minor. That would leave me with just two more semesters of school and no suicidal tendencies. The psychology minor would probably be helpful in getting into grad school though.

I DON'T KNOW. School drives me crazy. I want to finish it as soon as is humanly possible but I am so glad I'm planning on serving a mission. (Not that I consider a mission some kind of vacation.)

Also. I am so dang mad that I am probably not going to get an A in my stupid Family Adaptation and Resiliency class. How can my professor approve my term paper's research question, let me turn in research assignments pertaining to that specific research question and then tell me after I turn in my detailed outline (a month before the term paper is due) that my question is probably not what he is looking for in the paper? Thankfully I won't have to completely change my question but I will have change it around a bit and find more research that deals directly with the changed question. SOOOO lame.

But in other news, my siblings come next week! (As do two exams.)

\\

I had been set on marriage and family therapy. That's what I was going to do. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was an attempt to hold onto an old dream I had.

Time to re-evaluate: What am I passionate about? Where can I best use my talents?

People. I really do love people. I'm really shy but I do care about people. Actually, I care about them quite a bit.

So I'm considering social work (not that there aren't a number of other professions where people can show their love for people). There are so many things I could do with a MSW that involve helping others. In the process of researching social work programs I found something that sounded really awesome. A dual degree program for a masters of social work and public health! There are actually a few schools I've looked at that offer that option. It would take the same amount of time as a MFT program would take (3 years) and it sounds twentymillion times more like something I can be excited about. I think it's definitely something that deserves my attention.

\\

Wait. They don't love you like I love you.

This is a line from a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song that is widely known mostly because it is featured on Rock Band.

After taking my first Theories in Family Perspective exam tonight, I hear this line and think this is a sad person trying to appeal to an exchangeist planning on leaving her, claiming his evaluation strategy of alternatives level was not thought out as well as it should have been, that her love for him is better than the love any of the alternatives could provide, that her love for him in this current relationship is a greater reward than what he could get from any of the alternatives, that he should take into account moving costs and if the rewards from his alternatives really do outweigh those costs.

Maps.

Oh say say say. Oh say say say.

What the crap is going on?

Also, I've officially added the Gerontology minor.

//

This is called Procrastinating/Freezing/Freaking out/UGH.

I have no idea how I will ever be able to write a legitimate paper when I can barely do these stupid article summaries.

I think part of my problem is that I'm still not quite sure what I'm looking for and that I'm intimidated by everything that I need to get done. I have 2 article summaries due on Tuesday, 5 due on Friday, 2 exams this week, 2 quizzes, 40 assignments to grade (fairly lengthy assignments, mind you), and on top of all that my regular nearly-overwhelming-on-its-own class readings. Urgh.

Oh yeah. And my MacBook's battery is completely shot. I need to find $130 somewhere to buy another one.

I can't believe next week is the last full week of January. WEIRD. Time sure flies when you're consumed with readings and assignments. Oh let me tell you.

December 31st, 2009

My, what a year it's been.

I love school. I really do. As much as I complain about it, I really do love it. Kinda like my family...

This semester I volunteered twice a week, held a job, and still managed to pull off all A's. A freakin' 4.0 GPA.

Since I came back to BYU in January I've taken 17 classes and gotten 14 A's and 3 A-'s. I'm anticipating next semester to be more difficult but I am so excited and I am so ready.

Let's just think of a few things that happened this year.
I moved back to Utah and started back at BYU.
I met President Monson.
I made an awesome new friend who is now my roommate.
I was accepted to be part of a research team in Seattle.
I got a job as a TA and then got another job as another TA.
I did well in school.
I went on my first cruise.
And finally,
I got a big answer to a small prayer:
I'm going on a mission!

I spoke with my bishop the Sunday before exams and he said we'll start on papers sometime around February or March so I'll get my call before I go to Seattle but my availability date will be sometime in September.

School- Internship- Mission!
Here's to 2010!

This is called life working out.

From April 27th to August 13th, I will be part of a research team studying family life in Seattle, Washington. I am so excited!

Let's talk about what's been going on in just the last five days.
Thursday: I found out I might not have a job as a Human Development TA next semester because there won't be as many sections taught. There are a lot more experienced TAs so I don't anticipate staying on.
Friday: I went to Salt Lake City and saw a Ballet West performance. When I came home, I checked my email and saw that my research methods teacher emailed me. In her email, she asked me to be her TA next semester. Awesome? Yes.
Saturday: I had lunch with George Tree and Adam Jones. I hadn't seen them since my birthday. And then I watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
Sunday: Great day at church. Wonderful talks, lessons- seriously it was just a good block of meetings. That evening Brenden and I made two dinners: blueberry pancakes and then chicken and rice.
Monday: 9 AM class was cancelled so I got to sleep in. I am now a member of the Flourishing Families Seattle research team. And I got into the Family Adaptation and Resiliency class I wanted for next semester!

And tonight for FHE we're doing an egg drop contest! I'm so excited!

Reality

I had an experience one time when I was meeting with a counselor where I said something that I had never put into words before, something I had never told anyone. What I had said was something along the lines of, "I honestly believe I am capable of doing anything as long as I work hard enough." At the time, my counselor was probably a little surprised both at my confidence and the fact that I wasn't saying I couldn't do anything. He told me that that was good. He didn't bother to also tell me I was deluded. I still believe I could do calculus, make a decent piece of art, fly a plane, cook chicken saltimbocca from the food network's ridiculously complicated recipe book, etc. You know, I could even do a study abroad if I worked full-time with a decent/nice wage job for three whole summers.

Reality is I won't be able to do a study abroad before I graduate. I probably won't be able to do the Seattle Flourishing Families internship (today's interview wasn't exactly an interview and I feel like it went pretty poorly). And this really makes me quite sad. I try not to want things much. The internship I can get over fairly easily. The no study abroad thing will be a little harder. BYU's study abroad program was pretty much the only thing I was excited about when I first decided to come here. Of course, I've since found other things to be excited about here but it's still a little hard for me to accept that I won't be able to do the one thing I really wanted to do here.

Now don't I sound like a whiny brat? "Oh boo hoo I can't study abroad. My life is ruined."

I do not want to want.

I'm not sure what happened or what it is about me but I often find myself trying to not want things. Which is good to an extent. When I don't want, I don't spend excessive amounts of money on unnecessary things. I become resourceful and creative. I also find life very dull and sad. This is because I do not want even good things in life. I do not hope to get anything at all. I have found that disappointment is much more difficult for me to deal with than simply expecting nothing. And so I expect nothing. And try my best to want nothing. (This is the main reason I did not apply to many of the universities/colleges I wanted so desperately to attend, schools like New York University, University of Puget Sound, Fordham, University of Rochester, Boston, Wesleyan.)

But there are some things I want. A lot.
Like the opportunity to do a study abroad in Vienna. Or a semester at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I want to be a part of the research team next summer in Seattle.

Simply writing these things down as things I want creates lumps in my throat because I am so scared of not getting them. I am scared that not being able to do those things has deeper meaning than simply being unable to do them. I fear that being unable to do them means I am somehow a lesser person.

I realize that much of my attempting to want nothing is due to my knowledge that I can afford very little. (Applying to the schools I really wanted to go to and then getting accepted and then being unable to afford them would've killed me. Example: Acceptance to Brandeis. Brandeis was the one university I really wanted to go to that I applied to. However, I sent an incomplete application, perhaps a subconscious effort to avoid disappointment at the possibility of not being accepted. I received an acceptance letter a number of weeks later, probably due to them waiting for me to send in the last portion of the application- my teacher's recommendation form. Brandeis would've cost me somewhere around $40,000 a year. It was the only school that didn't offer me a scholarship, not that any scholarship I might have qualified for would've made much of a dent in that bill. Still, no other school I was accepted to meant much to me after being denied the opportunity to go to Brandeis. Which is dumb. Especially now that I look back on it and realize that BYU was/is the best place for me.) I do not like the fact that my economic status dictates much of what I can do. I like to believe that I am just as capable as the next person to succeed with and appreciate a study abroad program, summer enrichment programs, a trip to Europe. I do not like that I am denied these kind of opportunities because I cannot afford them. Yes, the majority of this paragraph is in parentheses.

I realize that these things that I want are unnecessary, that people have succeeded without them, that people have led perfectly healthy, wonderful lives without participating in these things, without even having the opportunity to participate in these things. I know I am greatly blessed. It's another reason why I don't want to want. I already have more than I need.

Remember, Natalie. You already have more than you need.

'kay so. (cheese)

I have officially added my Psychology minor. It is there. I have to go to another office to add the Gerontology minor. I'm still thinking about it. I should just go so I can find out more about the minor anyway though.

So. Psychology classes. FANTASTIC. I really, really, really want to take Behavioral Neurobiology.

Also, I have to take Psychological Statistics. Apparently I could've counted that class towards the Statistics I need for my major but I can't count the one I've taken towards my Psych minor. BOOOOOO. That means taking SEVEN FREAKING HOURS of statistics when I really only need to take four. Oh well, I should be a pro, right? I guess I'll actually learn those lessons that I skipped out on the last week of summer term. :P

This

I've found something I want. This is what I want.

Let's make it happen, guys.

Today we matched.

Today I saw a pirate. Or at least someone taking notes on fashion from a pirate. And then I saw Myles England. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Last night I finally climbed into bed around midnight. Audrey and I stayed up talking until around 1:45 AM. That was exciting. We were both really tired but at the same time still unable to sleep. We talked about anything that came to mind. Seriously it was one of the most random conversations I've ever had (probably a result of both of us being so tired). We talked about patriarchal blessings, our future husbands (plural only in the sense that there are two of us), responsibilities of fathers, becoming mothers, aliens, the Atonement, how awesome the gospel is, temples (the Houston Temple specifically), families, death, grandparents, eternal marriage, ghosts, what we speculate the pre-existence was like, haunted houses, phobias, childhood memories and everything in between. The last time I had really spoken to any girl like that was in middle school.

Around 1 AM Audrey thought she heard a knock on the front door. She got out of bed to go check it out. Thinking the only logical explanation for a knock at 1 AM on the front door of a college apartment was a murderer waiting outside to attack his victim (remember, I was tired), I figured I'd better go save Audrey. I climbed out of bed and quickly scanned my bedroom for items that could be used as potential weapons. Finding nothing I wrapped myself in my blanket, grabbed my bear, Thomas, and went to see if Audrey was about to be murdered. (Guys, I am dead serious. Those were my actual thoughts. I have to admit being slightly crazy does make life more interesting sometimes.) I scared the crap out of Audrey when she saw me approaching- this hunched over mass of human, blanket, and teddy bear. She literally fell to the floor and stayed there laughing until she was able to catch her breath again. It was fantastic. Oh yeah, there was no one at the door.

I went to the grocery store with my roommate Carly yesterday and on the way home we were talking about me volunteering at the Utah State Hospital. I pointed out to her that we lived within walking distance which is really handy for me since I probably won't have a ride every week I volunteer. Upon further thought of this "convenience" of proximity, I realized that perhaps I shouldn't feel so reassured.

I got my TB test today. It's kinda inconvenient. I have to figure out a way to get to the health center before two o'clock and then back to campus before three. It's totally doable if I run across campus right after my New Testament class then I can get to the health center around 1:15 and hope they don't take too long so I can take the bus back at 1:36. If I miss that bus then I have to walk back. I don't want to walk back during the freaking hottest time of the day although I don't know what difference it would make. I would already be all sweaty from running there earlier anyway. Stupid stupid TB test.

Tonight I'm going to Fall Fest with Audrey and Matt. They're probably going up to the hot springs tonight too. They keep trying to convince me to go but I know my mom won't let me. And I keep telling them this. I was going to go up to the hot springs during the summer term but neither of my parents wanted me to go then. I doubt they've since changed their minds. Really, I'm 21 years old and I can make my own decisions. But not only am I really tired but I also try my best to respect my parents even though I'm a big kid now. Mostly I'm just really tired.

OH MAN. I am so tired.

Ohman. Missy and I are totally going to the silent movie on Halloween.

And I'm listening to Enigma's album The Screen Behind the Mirror. Check it out. Sadly but interestingly, this album provided my first exposure to Carmina Burana. It's been a long, long time since I've listened to them. Some of Red Spectral's music which I've been listening to a lot lately reminded me of them.

Also, I'm going to a weird concert next week. I better be able to get a ride home.

Hey Look! It's September!

Today was day one of TA madness. I got to school around 8:30 and went to the office in the JSFB to turn in my TA form. The lady explained a million different things at once and handed me a little booklet and said thank you which I assumed meant we were done and it was time for me to leave. I took it and was incredibly grateful to realize that the booklet covered everything that she had quickly tried explaining to me. I still had to get another form filled out before I could officially start working. I went to the Student Employment office to fill that out and they told me I needed my Social Security card, Passport, or Birth Certificate before I could fill it out. Thankfully my mother gave me my Birth Certificate before I left for school this semester because I need to get a Passport sometime soon. I called Audrey, my roommate, who was still at the apartment and she got it for me and brought it when she came to campus. I got back in line at the Student Employment office. This line was way longer than when I had gone earlier in the morning. This line was so long that I was in it for an hour and the people working there set up a movie (Tale of Despereaux, to be exact) for the people in line to watch while they waited. I got it filled out though, just in time to grab lunch with Nielson and then head over to the SFL TA Office so I could do my first office hour of the semester. I met the Head TA, Jessi, whose inbox I've been flooding with questions ever since she sent out the first email to all TAs. She seems really nice and I'm excited to work with her. I met another TA who is also brand new, Hannah from Fort Worth. She and I will be TA-ing for the same lecture. I went to the first lecture today and got to stand in the front at the podium and talk into a microphone to 300 students about myself. I really hope I won't have to do too much of that but I guess it's good to have to step outside my comfort zone every now and then. Still, I'd like to avoid that as much as possible.

I have to get a TB test before I can volunteer at Utah State Hospital. I just arranged that for 9:50 AM on my BIRTHDAY. Why? Because that is the soonest I can have one done and the sooner I get one done, the sooner I can volunteer. I wanted to get one this Friday but I can't because the clinic won't be open on Monday so they wouldn't be able to check it. Booooooo. I want to get everything done as soon as I can so I can get my schedule all worked out. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I'm still in a frenzy trying to figure out my schedule and work out homework time, sleeping time, eating time, working time, etc. Oh, and social time, too. If it fits.

I walked to Chadder's with Sarah, one of my roommates, tonight for a burger and fries. It was good and I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She can get me into rock climbing for free anytime and she even said we could get our whole FHE group to go rock climbing sometime for FHE. She works at Color me mine and she could get us major discounts if we wanted to go there for FHE also. Also for one of Audrey's classes she needs to plan parties (kinda cool, right?) so I'm totally giving her free reign for FHE sometime this semester.

So my official work hours are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have an office hour at 12-1 on Tuesday and go to the Human Development lecture at 1:35- 2:50 that day. Then I have a TA meeting on Thursday at 11 and another office hour at 1-2. My Tuesday hours kinda suck because I don't think I'll have time to go to devotional at the Marriott Center and get back in time to work. I'll probably just watch it at the Varsity Theater again this semester.

I decided that I really miss the HFAC. I don't have any classes there this semester and though I didn't have any classes there this whole summer, I still went there a lot with Brenden. I miss sitting on the benches outside and waiting for Brenden to come pick me up after class. So I went there today. I was actually walking through the HFAC to get to the MOA and sit outside there but I stopped and walked out onto the area towards the JKB and ASB and read scriptures there until Audrey came with my stuff for my I-9 form. It was really nice. It was still in the morning around 9ish so it wasn't hot and there weren't a lot of people walking in and out at that entrance. I don't know if I'll make reading there a regular thing though because that increases the likelihood of running into Brenden and I almost feel like that's cheating somehow. .. Yeah, I don't know. I'm weird.

Audrey, Carly (another of my roommates) and I joined a dinner group. !!! I'm feeling very wary of this whole thing just because it's kinda a commitment and I don't really like commitments on top of other commitments. Plus I'll have to provide dinner for people. Which means I'll have to cook and other people will have to eat it. Eleven other people to be exact. AND it's Monday- Thursday. Am I psycho? I want to be more social. Is this a good way to do it? I really hope this doesn't end up being insanely stressful or crappy or anything. I at least know three people in it- Audrey, Carly, and Darrell (the dude that invited us to do it). Oh man, I hope this doesn't suck. Haha

Whoa.

School has definitely started.

Right now I feel so crazy. I'm incredibly excited about this semester but trying to get organized the first week is a bit overwhelming. I'm still arranging my schedule my around. I dropped the Civilizaton: Literature class and I switched to a different Abnormal Psychology class. Instead of having class from 4-6:30 on Monday I'll have class from 5-7:30 on Wednesday which will make my Wednesday schedule a bit longer and my Monday schedule a bit better for my calling and not so rushed.

Today I went to five classes (I changed Psychology after going for the first class) and I knew people in the first four of those. It was fantastic! I met some other people too which was really nice. I had lunch with Missy and Rachel at the MOA cafe and I think we're going to start up MOA Mondays again with a little group of friends. There's nothing like overpriced salads and good conversation on Mondays! I miss people. My last fall semester at BYU was my freshman year. Weird how everything has changed so much since then. Also...I HATE how crowded it is on campus again! Major semesters bug the heck out of me. People EVERYWHERE.

(There's a tuba playing in one of Regina Spektor's songs on her latest album. That's exciting!)

I'm really quite nervous about my Abnormal Psychology and Critical Inquiry & Research Methods classes. Abnormal Psychology is going to really interesting but it just seems a bit more difficult than my other classes (based on the syllabus, at least). Critical Inquiry & Research Methods just sounds boring. And boring things are difficult for me. Well, except for shelving books. That was boring but I was really good at it. Although to some extent that was difficult, also. I just didn't want to to do it. I get to read the four Gospels within the next two weeks for my New Testament class which means an average of 12-13 pages a day. Which means I should probably get started.

On an information sheet that we're supposed to turn in for one of my classes, we were supposed to say something about ourselves that we thought our professor would like to know or was interesting about ourselves. I was very tempted to write, "I really like people but I'm ridiculously shy and sometimes come across as being snobby or stuck up. It's kinda more than lame." Instead I wrote, "I want to go into Marriage and Family Therapy."

OH MY GOODNESS. This whole business of being a TA is kinda crazy. I have so so much to do for that. I'm still not officially working until I get this form turned in. I had to do some online TA training to fill it out. I need to get my professor to sign it. I need to get the Head TA to finalize the schedule and okay my hours and lecture attendance. I hope it all works out... This week is CRAZY. I have TA training on Wednesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my bishop on Wednesday evening. I have volunteer orientation at Utah State Hospital on Saturday morning (still need to find a ride to that). I desperately need to go to the grocery store sometime. Everything seems so crazy right now because I haven't organized everything in my planner and my work hours aren't finalized. I think as soon as that gets done I'll find myself feeling a lot better about everything. Right now all these things are floating around in my head and I'm just struggling to remember everything. AHH!

Homework time.

This Right Now

It hasn't been like this in a long time. Mornings are the hardest now. It's getting harder to fight that desire to just spend the entire day in bed. Waking up in the morning used to be the easier part of my day. How am I supposed to start a new semester when I'm already dreading getting out of bed? At least while I'm at home I have to do things with my family. When I get back to school who's going to force me to get up?

Plus, I'm changing my schedule around and there really aren't any classes I'm that interested in taking. It's probably just the whole being bummed about life thing I'm going through right now. Hopefully things will start to look up when I get back to Utah. This is me doing that thing again. Hoping that the next thing will be better, just trying to get through this right now.

These are the classes I'm taking this fall. I'm going to drop either Civ Lit or Abnormal Psych. I don't want to take 17 hrs while TA-ing for Human Development. On one hand I think keeping insanely busy could be good for me but on the other hand I know I won't be able to handle it.
SFL260- Family Finance MWF 9-9:50
SFL290- Crit. Inquiry and Research Meth. MWF 10-10:50
RELA211- New Testament MW 12-12:50
RELC393R- LDS in Wartime MW 3-3:50
PSYCH342- Abnormal Psychology M 4-6:30
CMLIT201- Civilization: Literature 1 TTH 4-5:15
RELC355- Judaism & the Gospel F 2-2:50

I don't really have any classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is really annoying. I wish my schedule was more spread out but I guess that means those days can be for my TA office hours. Hopefully that works out okay.

School

I haven't officially added a Psychology minor yet but I'm pretty sure I'm going to.

I'm thinking I want to add a Gerontology minor too...

(4)

Today is a slightly better day than yesterday.

I cannot count the number of times I just stopped what I was doing yesterday and started crying. I was so stressed out, it was ridiculous. I climbed into bed around 11 o'clock and started crying again. I wasn't finished cleaning, I wasn't nearly done studying, I hadn't started packing, and I missed Brenden so much. I couldn't sleep and I knew I was going to wake up at 6 AM so I could continue studying so the fact that I couldn't sleep only stressed me out more and made it even more difficult for me to sleep. And once I finally fell asleep, it was one of those restless kinds of sleep where I was still thinking of the things I needed to do but was halfway asleep. And then my alarm went off at 6 and I was exhausted and reset it for 6:30 but the whole 30 minutes between 6 and 6:30 I kept thinking about all the studying and things I needed to be doing so I didn't get any extra rest then either.

I woke up and started studying. I decided I was hungry so I left my apartment and walked to school where I got a donut and continued doing practice problems except that I left my calculator at home so I was trying to do all the computations on my cell phone and then I got to a problem that needed me to do a square root. I skipped it, read through the rest of the problems, and walked to the testing center. I thought surely I was going to fail this thing. I didn't do ANY of the reading for the last eight lectures (actually only 4 lecture periods but during the summer, you have two lectures in one period). Even though the final was comprehensive, we were told that 60% of it was new material (you know, the stuff I didn't read). I wanted more time to study but my professor said to plan about four hours for the exam and if I spent any more time studying then I might not be back at my apartment in time to finish cleaning for my cleaning check. So I walked into the testing center around 8:30 and took the stupid exam. I finished around 10 (2.5 hours earlier than I had anticipated) and was amazed to see on the screen that I made a 91%. I actually walked out the door and then back in to check it again and make sure I read the right ID number. I did. It was quite exciting.

I'm home now. I finished cleaning about an hour ago. My cleaning check isn't for at least another hour. I don't know what to do. I think I might try reading something that isn't about statistics now. Or maybe I'll try a nap. I'm pretty tired.

Gah, I wish I had friends here right now. You have no idea how lonely I am.

Quote

"Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may exist but you have ceased to live."
-Henry David Thoreau

This was the quote I put in my senior yearbook under my picture. I really don't know what I was talking about. Did I even have dreams or aspirations then? If I did, I've totally forgotten them now.

I didn't go grocery shopping. I won't have food to eat this week.

I missed my three lecture periods for statistics last week which means I've missed a total of six lessons of new material. Monday is my last statistics class period and exams are Wednesday and Thursday.

I missed one of my D&C classes last week as well. At least I'm still caught up in the reading for that class.

I canceled a therapy appointment scheduled for last Wednesday. That was when I had decided I was beyond help.

I cleaned my room a bit today to get ready for my new roommate. I feel bad that her side of the room has the broken bookshelf. I feel like I ought to switch.

I have church tomorrow. And Brenden is going to call me in the afternoon to tell me what's going on. EDIT (08/09/09): Brenden is going to TEXT me in the afternoon to tell me he's not going to talk to me again.

Sometimes I get angry.

Emptying.

I am so used to trying to be the strong one.

I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.

Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.

It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.

Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.

Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.

I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.

It is what it is.

School

I've officially changed my major to Family Life with an emphasis in Human Development and am currently working on my family core courses. My schedule for spring term includes Introduction to Family Processes, Strengthening Marriage and Family, and Living Prophets. Strengthening Marriage and Family is entirely based on the Proclamation on the family which I found to be very interesting. The course was created after President Boyd K. Packer told BYU faculty to do so. There's a course with the same name in the religion department that isn't quite as focused on the research that supports the Proclamation as the one in the School of Family Life is. I'm really enjoying it.

I'm really enjoying all three of my classes this term and feel very content with my choice of a major. However, though I feel content with what I've chosen, I don't like when people ask me my major and I wonder if I should say "Family Life" or not because I'm afraid that the person will immediately dismiss me as being un-academic (?) or something of the sort. I don't want those people to think "Oh, she came here to get married" because I feel like that's often the impression others not in the school of family life have of those in it. (Also, what's wrong with the goal of getting married? Isn't marriage and having a family necessary for the Plan of Salvation, which is, afterall, what we're here for?) People don't understand that Family Sciences are an actual field of research. (Side-note: BYU was named the No.1 producer of family therapy research in the nation. ) With a Family Life major you can have an emphasis in Human Development or Marriage and Family Studies or Home and Family Living. People immediately assume that a Family Life major means Home and Family Living which obviously means that a female in the major came to BYU just to get married which means they're not as smart as someone in another major like biology or physics. I somewhat understand that assumption, I think it's very wrong, but I can understand where it stems from it's just that I hate feeling like I ought to distinguish myself as someone who came to college to actually get an education. No one in any other school probably has to deal with that as much as Family Life majors. Every time I tell someone I'm majoring in Family Life I feel the need to further explain myself "I'm a family life major with an emphasis in human development. I'm planning on going on to graduate school to get my master's. Then I'm hoping to get a job as a marriage and family therapist. I'm still considering the possibility of furthering my education to earn a PhD." I shouldn't feel that much explanation is necessary to avoid misconceptions. Maybe I just shouldn't worry about misconceptions and let people think what they want. But I really wish that, if nowhere else, at least at BYU where most students have a knowledge and testimony of the Plan of Salvation, people wouldn't discredit studying the family.

Sorry about that ramble. Just something I was thinking about today that was triggered by some strangers I was walking in front of whose conversation really bothered me.

In other news, my grades for winter semester were fantastic! It's evidence for me that, HEY! I CAN DO THIS COLLEGE THING!
Intro to Music: A (fills a GE requirement)
HEPE: A (finishes a GE requirement)
World Religions: A (fills GE + Religion requirement)
Human Development: A (major core course)
Biology: A- (GE)
Book of Mormon: A- (religion requirement)
I haven't gotten all As and A-s since middle school (stupid high school math classes)! So my semester GPA is a 3.9! Woohoo!