It's about 12:30 as I begin writing this. I meant to be in bed about 3 hours ago due to a migraine I could feel coming on. I still had dishes to wash and some floors to sweep and then my mom came home and we stayed up later. Excedrin was taken and caffeine began working. Migraine is gone and awake I stay.
Reuben isn't home yet. It's strange to me how he can function rather normally the next day after being out all night and then doing it again and again. Last night was his turn for family prayer, I took his place and then Stef said it tonight since he wasn't here. I wonder when he'll be home. The kitchen and dining room lights are on for him. I almost want to turn them off and hear him stumble on his way to his room just so I know when he gets in.
Sometimes I enjoy this caffeine-induced inability to sleep. I watch cars drive by on lonely roads and wonder where they are going. I don't like when cars drive in clusters. I get distracted by the several headlights and don't know what to think. They're unwelcome as I watch them pass. I lose track of their identities. Was it a truck or a van? Was he racing home or leaving? Is the family alright? Did her children go to sleep tucking themselves into their beds because Mother wasn't home?
When I was younger and I had difficulty sleeping I would find myself in our living room counting the cars driving down Ferry Road. And later as I grew a little older, I would find myself walking the streets of my neighborhood when I couldn't sleep wondering why people were driving passed me and where they were going so late and whose family was missing him or her.
I listen to the rush of cars down 3005. I would liken the sound to waves, speeding waves. Perhaps a recording of waves fast-forwarded to sound like cars rushing down 3005. Oh wait.
I'm not sure what to do. This drug-induced insomnia makes me feel alive. The near-silent black of night holds more magic for me than a sunrise on the horizon or the majesty of the Rocky Mountains or a symphony performing the most amazing piece of music.
This darkness presents opportunity for light to reveal itself.
20.11.08
3.11.08
stop #1: provo, utah
My eyes sting. A big issue with such a small living space is the lack of ventilation. My mom was frying something for dinner tonight and my eyes began to sting and there wasn't much I could do about it inside. So now I'm sitting on the balcony of our condo, I can smell cigarette smoke and hear the water falling from the mushroom in the pool. I'm wearing green shorts, a yellow cursive shirt, pink flip flops and a comfy, much too large BYU Cougar sweater. I have my Death Cab songs on shuffle (currently Expo '86). The wireless signal is much stronger out here. I might be spending more time outside now. :)
After all the complications of sending in my final portion of the BYU application, I have been readmitted and will be going back in January. By some miracle, my friend that I was planning on rooming with for this Fall semester has an empty room in her current apartment. I called the apartment complex today and filled out an application. They said I should be able to room with her, no problem. I am very excited.
After I'd read that I'd been readmitted, I told my parents. My father said congratulations and good job while my mother proceeded to jump up and down very excitedly and wake everyone else up in the condo (it was about 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning). She asked me if I was excited since I appeared to be showing no real excitement whatsoever which is how I tend to react to a lot of things that would cause others to jump up and down. (It's one reason why surprise parties aren't the best things for me. I don't get that excited about them and others can see that and they're disappointed and everyone's sad. Or I feign excitement and feel really awkward.) While I am excited to be moving away and on my own again, I'm not sure I can say I'm really "excited" about BYU. I'm incredibly grateful to be going back. And perhaps my feelings of excitement are merely blanketed by my intense gratitude.
I took forgranted my experience at BYU the first time around. I did not try hard at all. I didn't want to be there to begin with. When I realized I probably couldn't go back, I had more feelings of loss and confusion than I could comprehend. Since learning of my readmission to the university, I've found myself holding back tears of gratitude each time I've thought about BYU. I couldn't believe they readmitted me. Me! A girl they'd given a scholarship to who didn't attend most of her Church meetings, who barely pulled off a 3.0 GPA fall semester, then dropped all of her classes winter semester, then dropped all of her classes again spring term before actually being dismissed from the university. Can you imagine the amazement I experienced at reading my application status: "Winter 2009: Admitted"? A single word relieving all of my fears and doubts, answering all of my questions about my near future, freeing my mind of anxiety, providing that evidence I so earnestly sought, the evidence that I was doing something right, that my efforts were making a difference. Wow.
I'd read a quote somewhere, I'm pretty sure it was by Neal A. Maxwell, that went along the lines of this: "We should surrender our wills to our Savior, not out of fear, but out of immense gratitude for the sacrifice He made for us." How very true! If we understood just a tiny bit of what the Atonement means, of what our Savior did for us, there is no way we wouldn't be trying our best to follow the commandments.
I don't quite know how to repay my Savior and Heavenly Father for this second chance I have at Brigham Young University except to study hard, involve myself, and stick to the Honor Code while doing my best to reach out to others who might need me. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I think I'm actually in a position to do that now. Before I was so incredibly selfish, so self-centered, so unaware of those around me who could've used my friendship. I pray that I can be a better person this time around.
Yesterday at Church after Sacrament meeting, I went up to Bishop and gave him a hug. I then told him I was readmitted to BYU. He pulled me into another hug. It's nice to know how much he cares about me. This whole process helped me realize just how much our leaders truly care about us. I told Brother Nance about it as well. He gave me a nice big hug (I love his hugs) and then got a little choked up as he told me thank you and that I have been such a good example for him. Me? An example for the first counselor in the bishopric? I love Brother Nance. He's been like another father to me. He was the first bishop I can remember having. He and Sister Nance have always been there for my family, always been there for me. To think that he'd consider me an example, is overwhelming. These people that I look up to, some of them look up to me too. It only makes me want to be better.
I only want to be better.
After all the complications of sending in my final portion of the BYU application, I have been readmitted and will be going back in January. By some miracle, my friend that I was planning on rooming with for this Fall semester has an empty room in her current apartment. I called the apartment complex today and filled out an application. They said I should be able to room with her, no problem. I am very excited.
After I'd read that I'd been readmitted, I told my parents. My father said congratulations and good job while my mother proceeded to jump up and down very excitedly and wake everyone else up in the condo (it was about 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning). She asked me if I was excited since I appeared to be showing no real excitement whatsoever which is how I tend to react to a lot of things that would cause others to jump up and down. (It's one reason why surprise parties aren't the best things for me. I don't get that excited about them and others can see that and they're disappointed and everyone's sad. Or I feign excitement and feel really awkward.) While I am excited to be moving away and on my own again, I'm not sure I can say I'm really "excited" about BYU. I'm incredibly grateful to be going back. And perhaps my feelings of excitement are merely blanketed by my intense gratitude.
I took forgranted my experience at BYU the first time around. I did not try hard at all. I didn't want to be there to begin with. When I realized I probably couldn't go back, I had more feelings of loss and confusion than I could comprehend. Since learning of my readmission to the university, I've found myself holding back tears of gratitude each time I've thought about BYU. I couldn't believe they readmitted me. Me! A girl they'd given a scholarship to who didn't attend most of her Church meetings, who barely pulled off a 3.0 GPA fall semester, then dropped all of her classes winter semester, then dropped all of her classes again spring term before actually being dismissed from the university. Can you imagine the amazement I experienced at reading my application status: "Winter 2009: Admitted"? A single word relieving all of my fears and doubts, answering all of my questions about my near future, freeing my mind of anxiety, providing that evidence I so earnestly sought, the evidence that I was doing something right, that my efforts were making a difference. Wow.
I'd read a quote somewhere, I'm pretty sure it was by Neal A. Maxwell, that went along the lines of this: "We should surrender our wills to our Savior, not out of fear, but out of immense gratitude for the sacrifice He made for us." How very true! If we understood just a tiny bit of what the Atonement means, of what our Savior did for us, there is no way we wouldn't be trying our best to follow the commandments.
I don't quite know how to repay my Savior and Heavenly Father for this second chance I have at Brigham Young University except to study hard, involve myself, and stick to the Honor Code while doing my best to reach out to others who might need me. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I think I'm actually in a position to do that now. Before I was so incredibly selfish, so self-centered, so unaware of those around me who could've used my friendship. I pray that I can be a better person this time around.
Yesterday at Church after Sacrament meeting, I went up to Bishop and gave him a hug. I then told him I was readmitted to BYU. He pulled me into another hug. It's nice to know how much he cares about me. This whole process helped me realize just how much our leaders truly care about us. I told Brother Nance about it as well. He gave me a nice big hug (I love his hugs) and then got a little choked up as he told me thank you and that I have been such a good example for him. Me? An example for the first counselor in the bishopric? I love Brother Nance. He's been like another father to me. He was the first bishop I can remember having. He and Sister Nance have always been there for my family, always been there for me. To think that he'd consider me an example, is overwhelming. These people that I look up to, some of them look up to me too. It only makes me want to be better.
I only want to be better.
30.10.08
filling in the gaps (copied from handwritten journal)
Life is composed of events. Today's doctor's appointment, tomorrow's movie, next week's election. Viewing life in this way makes me disregard the moments, hours and days between these events. Which means that probably more than half of my life is spent not realizing I'm living, unaware that this moment, even this scratching of pen on paper, is significant. I need to somehow start living in those moments and appreciate them for the life they contain. I think the meaningful laughter I experience in casual conversation holds more value than the cleverly-planned-joke-generated laughter from a comedy show that I'd held in higher regard simply because it was a planned event. It's been my experience that the events I plan my life around aren't as fulfilling as I expect them to be. My most cherished memories tend to be composed of little things that I wouldn't originally have found important.
9.10.08
10/08/08
As a result of much neglect towards my original blog (a blog which I started in seventh grade though it only has entries back until 2005 due to a deletion rampage I went on after breaking up with my first long-term boyfriend) I wrote an entry in there last night/this morning. I suppose instead of directing you to that blog I could just copy and paste the whole entry in here. I'm not going to. Sorry. So if you're interested, click on the linky below!
yesterday's blog entry. CLICK ME CLICK ME!
yesterday's blog entry. CLICK ME CLICK ME!
25.9.08
Quote
Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises
"Listen, Jake," he leaned forward on the bar. "Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?"
"Yes, every once in a while."
"Do you know that in about thirty-five years more we'll be dead?"
"What the hell, Robert," I said. "What the hell."
"I'm serious."
"It's one thing I don't worry about," I said.
"You ought to."
"I've had plenty to worry about one time or other. I'm through worrying."
"Well, I want to go to South America."
"Listen, Robert, going to another country doesn't make any difference. I've tried all that. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that."
"But you've never been to South America."
"South America hell! If you went there the way you feel now it would be exactly the same. This is a good town. Why don't you start living your life in Paris?"
"Listen, Jake," he leaned forward on the bar. "Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?"
"Yes, every once in a while."
"Do you know that in about thirty-five years more we'll be dead?"
"What the hell, Robert," I said. "What the hell."
"I'm serious."
"It's one thing I don't worry about," I said.
"You ought to."
"I've had plenty to worry about one time or other. I'm through worrying."
"Well, I want to go to South America."
"Listen, Robert, going to another country doesn't make any difference. I've tried all that. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that."
"But you've never been to South America."
"South America hell! If you went there the way you feel now it would be exactly the same. This is a good town. Why don't you start living your life in Paris?"
24.9.08
16.9.08
finally
a look and leave policy has been put into action.
tomorrow my parents and aunt and uncle are going to go down tomorrow.
a $2000 fine will be given to anyone who stays after curfew at 6 PM.
tomorrow my parents and aunt and uncle are going to go down tomorrow.
a $2000 fine will be given to anyone who stays after curfew at 6 PM.
hurricane ike.
Items i took with me during the evacuation:
computer, some t-shirts, three pairs of blue jeans, a pair of dress shoes, a pair of vans, two pairs of flip-flops, one dress, two pairs of shorts, a number of books (Anna Karenina, Perrine Book of Literature, scriptures, Discourses of President Hinckley, Not my Will But Thine, The Turn of the Screw, +more), a few dvds (Stranger than Fiction, Dead Poets Society, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Testaments), ipod, and the few journals i still have here. I'm lucky. I have most of my things in storage in Utah.
My friend, Summer, stayed on the island during the hurricane because she's INSANE. Thankfully she's safe and I've been able to talk to her rather regularly since Sunday evening. She's been by my house and seen the water level. It's about halfway up our front door so I'm pretty sure most of our things have been either damaged or destroyed. She also said there's a small dumpster on our front porch.
My family is all safe here in Forney, a small suburb outside of Dallas. There are 14 people staying in a small 3 bedroom home. The family of four that lives here has taken in my whole family (6 people) and my aunt and uncle's family (4 people). It's a bit crowded but I am incredibly grateful to have people so willing to take us in at a moment's notice. They've been feeding us like crazy and treating us like royalty. We went to church here on Sunday and Stef has started going to seminary. She might start going to classes up here too. My parents and aunt and uncle are considering finding a house we can rent together for a month. We are just trying to decide whether we want to do this in Dallas or Houston which is a lot closer to Galveston. All TAMUG classes are being moved to College Station. We can't afford Chris to go up there so he's most likely withdrawing from all of his classes this semester.
I just read on the Galveston Daily News website that the mayor of Galveston has ordered all city employees not to talk to news media. (The editorial also on the Daily New website was interesting.) It's been obvious that the media hasn't been focusing on Galveston at all. Now there's this from the mayor. Only the mayor and city manager are allowed to speak to the media. The last press conference they held was less than half an hour and they only answered five questions. I noticed something that might be a discrepancy in what news was available yesterday. They said that 90% of Galveston has been searched and that 1500 people were accounted for. If they estimated that 20,000 people stayed, with only 10% of the island left to search are they expecting to find all the other 18,500 people there? I mean, seriously. How are they planning finally to tell us everything they've been keeping from us? You can't change a Texas death toll from 5 people to 5000 overnight without there being questions and many many angry people.
I am so angry. I've probably lost most of my possessions from since I was born. I am sad, distraught, confused and frustrated and now the city officials are only exacerbating the situation by giving us so little information about my hometown. I understand that they really cannot know when things will be back up and running in Galveston but not knowing ANYTHING about what's going on is really freaking frustrating. Every evacuee has his/her life on pause and there is no telling when we can press play again. There are people out of work. My parents are lucky enough to work for UTMB who is giving them paid leave but there are so many others that do not even have buildings they can return to work in. There are children out of school and we don't know when they could go back.
I don't know what to do. I'm so annoyed. I am so frustrated. I am so angry. I can't think of any other adjectives to use; that is in itself an example of how crazy I am going.
Even the President has nothing to say: "Bush, who later took an aerial tour of the area, declined to issue a statement to the press or answer any questions while in Galveston." (Galveston Daily News)
computer, some t-shirts, three pairs of blue jeans, a pair of dress shoes, a pair of vans, two pairs of flip-flops, one dress, two pairs of shorts, a number of books (Anna Karenina, Perrine Book of Literature, scriptures, Discourses of President Hinckley, Not my Will But Thine, The Turn of the Screw, +more), a few dvds (Stranger than Fiction, Dead Poets Society, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Testaments), ipod, and the few journals i still have here. I'm lucky. I have most of my things in storage in Utah.
My friend, Summer, stayed on the island during the hurricane because she's INSANE. Thankfully she's safe and I've been able to talk to her rather regularly since Sunday evening. She's been by my house and seen the water level. It's about halfway up our front door so I'm pretty sure most of our things have been either damaged or destroyed. She also said there's a small dumpster on our front porch.
My family is all safe here in Forney, a small suburb outside of Dallas. There are 14 people staying in a small 3 bedroom home. The family of four that lives here has taken in my whole family (6 people) and my aunt and uncle's family (4 people). It's a bit crowded but I am incredibly grateful to have people so willing to take us in at a moment's notice. They've been feeding us like crazy and treating us like royalty. We went to church here on Sunday and Stef has started going to seminary. She might start going to classes up here too. My parents and aunt and uncle are considering finding a house we can rent together for a month. We are just trying to decide whether we want to do this in Dallas or Houston which is a lot closer to Galveston. All TAMUG classes are being moved to College Station. We can't afford Chris to go up there so he's most likely withdrawing from all of his classes this semester.
I just read on the Galveston Daily News website that the mayor of Galveston has ordered all city employees not to talk to news media. (The editorial also on the Daily New website was interesting.) It's been obvious that the media hasn't been focusing on Galveston at all. Now there's this from the mayor. Only the mayor and city manager are allowed to speak to the media. The last press conference they held was less than half an hour and they only answered five questions. I noticed something that might be a discrepancy in what news was available yesterday. They said that 90% of Galveston has been searched and that 1500 people were accounted for. If they estimated that 20,000 people stayed, with only 10% of the island left to search are they expecting to find all the other 18,500 people there? I mean, seriously. How are they planning finally to tell us everything they've been keeping from us? You can't change a Texas death toll from 5 people to 5000 overnight without there being questions and many many angry people.
I am so angry. I've probably lost most of my possessions from since I was born. I am sad, distraught, confused and frustrated and now the city officials are only exacerbating the situation by giving us so little information about my hometown. I understand that they really cannot know when things will be back up and running in Galveston but not knowing ANYTHING about what's going on is really freaking frustrating. Every evacuee has his/her life on pause and there is no telling when we can press play again. There are people out of work. My parents are lucky enough to work for UTMB who is giving them paid leave but there are so many others that do not even have buildings they can return to work in. There are children out of school and we don't know when they could go back.
I don't know what to do. I'm so annoyed. I am so frustrated. I am so angry. I can't think of any other adjectives to use; that is in itself an example of how crazy I am going.
Even the President has nothing to say: "Bush, who later took an aerial tour of the area, declined to issue a statement to the press or answer any questions while in Galveston." (Galveston Daily News)
2.9.08
an update an update!
Someone told me when I graduated that college would be the time during which I would grow the most and become my own person. I think they were right to an extent; I don't think you necessarily have to be at college to take advantage of this period of growth in your life. Late teens and early twenties tend to be when people really start distinguishing themselves from the messy indistinguishable blob that consists of their parents and younger siblings. You don't have to be at school to do that, although much of that learning experience happened while I was at BYU. Now that I'm home I'm still learning a lot. It's weird and unfortunate to think that I'll be twenty soon and I'm still living at my parents' house. The only thing that makes me not start wailing and attacking doors to get out is that I know these last few months will probably be the last months I'll ever spend actually living here. If I don't learn to appreciate my family now, I'll never have a better opportunity. I've realized my family isn't perfect and that all of my siblings have things about them I don't like and then I fantasize about my future family and how perfect they'll be, when in all honesty, there will disagreements and imperfections there too. If I don't gain the skills to just deal with people that aren't like me or appreciate them, then I'm going to have a pretty rough time in life.
Fun Story time:
My family, Summer and her mother, and Brenden watched Shanghai Noon last night. I decided I wanted to try one of the stunts they did on there. Unfortunately, I didn't even consider that even when they did the stunt in the movie, the character ended up on the ground in pain, I just thought it looked cool. So I had Reuben hold my left leg up as I tried to swing my right leg out from underneath me and kick him in the face. Apparently when none of your limbs are touching the ground, you end up falling pretty fast. And hard. I may have finally accepted that just because I'm asian doesn't mean I'm automatically a ninja.
Fun Story time:
My family, Summer and her mother, and Brenden watched Shanghai Noon last night. I decided I wanted to try one of the stunts they did on there. Unfortunately, I didn't even consider that even when they did the stunt in the movie, the character ended up on the ground in pain, I just thought it looked cool. So I had Reuben hold my left leg up as I tried to swing my right leg out from underneath me and kick him in the face. Apparently when none of your limbs are touching the ground, you end up falling pretty fast. And hard. I may have finally accepted that just because I'm asian doesn't mean I'm automatically a ninja.
22.7.08
School
I so desperately want to be back at Brigham Young University.
All the times I had told myself I was never going to end up at BYU, that it was my last choice, that I would rather go almost anywhere else but BYU, I wish I could've seen how very much I was going to love it there. I wish I could've seen that it was actually a place where I was going to fit in and find the friends I had longed for. But how was I to know? When making my college decision I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had settled on a major (that I eventually changed) but besides that, I didn't know who I wanted to become.
Now that I know who I want to be, I am locked out from the place I can be best trained.
I know I can still become that person through other experiences, other universities. But I feel my progress may be slowed. My progress has already been slowed by my sheer idiocy. There are consequences for my actions and I have no one to blame but myself if I cannot go back to BYU.
All the times I had told myself I was never going to end up at BYU, that it was my last choice, that I would rather go almost anywhere else but BYU, I wish I could've seen how very much I was going to love it there. I wish I could've seen that it was actually a place where I was going to fit in and find the friends I had longed for. But how was I to know? When making my college decision I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had settled on a major (that I eventually changed) but besides that, I didn't know who I wanted to become.
Now that I know who I want to be, I am locked out from the place I can be best trained.
I know I can still become that person through other experiences, other universities. But I feel my progress may be slowed. My progress has already been slowed by my sheer idiocy. There are consequences for my actions and I have no one to blame but myself if I cannot go back to BYU.
15.7.08
13.7.08
hmm
i have a feeling that life is mocking me...facebook style.
my current facebook status:
Natalie hates things, people and life. and desperately needs to take a long, long drive. with loud, loud music.
the three other facebook statuses that come up under mine on the home page:
AriAnn is happy.
Sean is happy.
Rebecca is reaching her goals. :)
my current facebook status:
Natalie hates things, people and life. and desperately needs to take a long, long drive. with loud, loud music.
the three other facebook statuses that come up under mine on the home page:
AriAnn is happy.
Sean is happy.
Rebecca is reaching her goals. :)
4.7.08
oh goodness
i am craving so very much to do some arts and crafts. holy crapppp.
i desperately need to get myself to a hobby lobby and buy some paper, lots and lots of paper and a new cutting board and knife and gluuuuuue. and two frames. i'm going to do a little beautifying project for the bathroom. hopefully. booooo. i wish i had gotten this stuff before today because then i could work on stuff today.
i still have a canvas board and a lot of paints but i don't have any paintbrushes. booooooooooo.
mebbe i'll go to walmart tonight and buy some cheap brushes i can use until i can get some legit ones. if i decide to continue painting. i think i'm going to stick to collages. i love paper. the end.
i desperately need to get myself to a hobby lobby and buy some paper, lots and lots of paper and a new cutting board and knife and gluuuuuue. and two frames. i'm going to do a little beautifying project for the bathroom. hopefully. booooo. i wish i had gotten this stuff before today because then i could work on stuff today.
i still have a canvas board and a lot of paints but i don't have any paintbrushes. booooooooooo.
mebbe i'll go to walmart tonight and buy some cheap brushes i can use until i can get some legit ones. if i decide to continue painting. i think i'm going to stick to collages. i love paper. the end.
2.7.08
library
you know you work in a library when a coworker compliments your book cart.
and she's serious.
and she's serious.
27.6.08
21.6.08
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fearno fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
18.6.08
Quote
I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises. He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated
17.6.08
16.6.08
I have no sanctuary.
I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album Narrow Stairs. I just closed my eyes (Yes I can type with my eyes closed) and I'm trying to imagine that I'm back in my dorm room in Heritage listening to this CD when I first got it. It's a little hard. Eyes open again.
I was told that I could go back to BYU when it appeared as though I was ready. Which means there is an actual chance that I would be going back. I love/d BYU, don't get me wrong. That place was amazing for me. But I'm back home now and I don't feel like I will ever go back. I fear it was a very temporary place for me. I wish I had spent more time outside. Simply being outside gives me a sense of freedom and space that I will never experience here at my home. I wouldn't mind sitting out on one of the jetties in the evening. But if I tell my mom I'm going to sit on the beach she'll ask me why, what for, where, how long, and having to give reason for my meditation seems to destroy it for me. And so I will lie in my bed with my computer on my lap since my desk is completely cluttered with my sister's things. I will walk back and forth from my bedroom to our living room. I don't want to read anything. I don't have any paintbrushes. I don't have my paper. I don't even have a key to my own home so if I wanted to take a walk somewhere I wouldn't be able to get back in. I don't have car keys and even if I did gas is so ridiculously expensive that my normally relaxing drives would only stress me more.
It's easy to be depressed now that I'm back at home. I love my family. They are great and supportive and caring. But sometimes they smother me. And when we are all cramped in this tiny little house with no rooms for any privacy except bathrooms it gets a little chaotic. I'm glad I got my job back at the library. That job was rather medicinal for me. A somewhat strange safe haven. The Dewey Decimal System provides me with a sense structure that no one can disrupt.
I just had an interesting idea. Maybe I will become a librarian. If working in a library is the only job I was able to keep for more than a few weeks perhaps I should consider it more seriously or at least consider something with a similar work environment.
It's 3:35. I should start peeling some potatoes.
Oh my goodness, someone save me.
I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album Narrow Stairs. I just closed my eyes (Yes I can type with my eyes closed) and I'm trying to imagine that I'm back in my dorm room in Heritage listening to this CD when I first got it. It's a little hard. Eyes open again.
I was told that I could go back to BYU when it appeared as though I was ready. Which means there is an actual chance that I would be going back. I love/d BYU, don't get me wrong. That place was amazing for me. But I'm back home now and I don't feel like I will ever go back. I fear it was a very temporary place for me. I wish I had spent more time outside. Simply being outside gives me a sense of freedom and space that I will never experience here at my home. I wouldn't mind sitting out on one of the jetties in the evening. But if I tell my mom I'm going to sit on the beach she'll ask me why, what for, where, how long, and having to give reason for my meditation seems to destroy it for me. And so I will lie in my bed with my computer on my lap since my desk is completely cluttered with my sister's things. I will walk back and forth from my bedroom to our living room. I don't want to read anything. I don't have any paintbrushes. I don't have my paper. I don't even have a key to my own home so if I wanted to take a walk somewhere I wouldn't be able to get back in. I don't have car keys and even if I did gas is so ridiculously expensive that my normally relaxing drives would only stress me more.
It's easy to be depressed now that I'm back at home. I love my family. They are great and supportive and caring. But sometimes they smother me. And when we are all cramped in this tiny little house with no rooms for any privacy except bathrooms it gets a little chaotic. I'm glad I got my job back at the library. That job was rather medicinal for me. A somewhat strange safe haven. The Dewey Decimal System provides me with a sense structure that no one can disrupt.
I just had an interesting idea. Maybe I will become a librarian. If working in a library is the only job I was able to keep for more than a few weeks perhaps I should consider it more seriously or at least consider something with a similar work environment.
It's 3:35. I should start peeling some potatoes.
Oh my goodness, someone save me.
12.6.08
Music
Um.
Classical Music Frenzy:
Carl Orff: Carmina Burana
Philip Glass: Symphonies 2 and 3
Hector Berlioz: Symphonie Fantastique; Romeo & Juliet; La Damnation de Faust
Claude Debussy: La Mer; Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun; Three Nocturnes
Edvard Grieg: Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16
Robert Schumann: Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 54
Peter Lieberson: Rilke Songs; The Six Realms; Horn Concerto
Classical Music Frenzy:
Carl Orff: Carmina Burana
Philip Glass: Symphonies 2 and 3
Hector Berlioz: Symphonie Fantastique; Romeo & Juliet; La Damnation de Faust
Claude Debussy: La Mer; Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun; Three Nocturnes
Edvard Grieg: Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16
Robert Schumann: Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 54
Peter Lieberson: Rilke Songs; The Six Realms; Horn Concerto
27.5.08
Atonement
Heavenly Father knew the pain from disobeying his commandments would be almost too hard to bear. I am so grateful that Jesus Christ went through the Atonement for me. I have horrible feelings of sadness and guilt. Guilt for what I'd done and guilt for having put Christ through this suffering for me. I am sad because I feel so alone and I know that Christ was even more alone than anyone who has ever lived on this earth when even Heavenly Father had to turn away from him. I can't believe how unbearable this is for me.
I can't be here. I can't be here.
I have to go home now.
I can't be here. I can't be here.
I have to go home now.
26.5.08
Nonononono
I had all of my midterms planned out. I understood my D&C midterm to start on Wednesday. That's what I thought I read in the syllabus, now that I look at it more closely I suppose it could mean that the midterm is any time between the two dates not necessarily available on the first date. Crapcrapcrap.
My flight leaves at 10:30 AM on Thursday morning. The Testing Center doesn't open until 10 AM on Thursday. There is no way I could take it on the regularly scheduled times. Mom is checking to see if I can change to a later flight so I can take my exam Thursday morning. This massively sucks.
Friday I was in shock. Saturday I felt hopeless. Sunday I had my faith restored. Today everything seems to be falling apart again.
Why does it have to be like this?
My flight leaves at 10:30 AM on Thursday morning. The Testing Center doesn't open until 10 AM on Thursday. There is no way I could take it on the regularly scheduled times. Mom is checking to see if I can change to a later flight so I can take my exam Thursday morning. This massively sucks.
Friday I was in shock. Saturday I felt hopeless. Sunday I had my faith restored. Today everything seems to be falling apart again.
Why does it have to be like this?
25.5.08
Wow
I am doing my best to keep busy. Change my surroundings so as not to be bombarded with memories of just a few days ago. I don't want to feel sad. I wonder if I am running away from feelings that I need to be feeling.
I worry if I'm doing things wrong. I can barely manage being in the same room. I want to run up and wrap my arms around him. I never knew I possessed the self-discipline I've been exercising this weekend. I suppose it will get easier as the days go by.
I'm doing what I've been advised to do. Yesterday probably could've gone better for me. I think I didn't leave my dorm at all except to go to the store. I can't even really remember. (Oh wait, I went running for a little bit.) I do remember lying in my bed for most of the day crying alone, bawling over the phone, or praying in desperation for the strength to make it through this. I wasn't sure if I could even trust myself to be alone. I almost called Andy to take me to the emergency room so I could get some sedatives or something. I couldn't believe how much I felt I was losing control.
Today on the way to church Lori-Ann asked me if I was going to stop by Brenden's place. I said, "No, not today." Sadly, I probably won't be stopping by there at all for the rest of the term (which I guess is only like three more weeks but still...). Then she mentioned how he hadn't been over for awhile. I know she knows that we broke up. Because he had been over just on Friday. It's not like it's been forever. I didn't say that we weren't together anymore. I just pretended like we didn't get the chance to see each other. When will I accept it?
Church was painful. I couldn't stand being away from him, knowing he was right there. I feel horrible for having to change FHE groups. I wanted to tell Brother Thomas to switch me out, not Brenden. That was Brenden's FHE. I didn't feel it was right. I made myself go to ward choir to do something with my time. I guess I knew he would be there. I don't know if that played a part in my decision to go. I had actually planned on skipping it. I went to HFAC to find a decent piano since the one in our basement sucks but all the practice rooms were locked. I sat outside HFAC for a little while and read the newspaper from Friday and then looked at the time. 3:07. I decided to go to ward choir. I didn't sign the role because I'm not sure I want to go back. It was nice. I think I suck at singing. I can't really sight read or sing very well. And then, of course, it's just difficult being there. I wanted to leave. I want this to be over.
I want to kiss him again.
Tomorrow was supposed to be my ultimate study day. I have a paper due on Tuesday (minimum of six pages) that I have yet to start on. I have three midterms to take on Tuesday and Wednesday. And I have so much reading I need to do. SO MUCH READING. I'm less than halfway through my book for Judaism and that needs to be done by Wednesday so I can take the exam. I don't even know where I left off for D&C. And I need to get the notes from last Wednesday from someone.
Tomorrow's schedule has changed. Around 2:30 I'm supposed to go see a movie with Susan and some other kiddos from the ward. And then at 4:00 I'm meeting the Broadbent RA, Kevin, and Claire from my FHE group to go see Death Cab.
I'm thinking tomorrow is my Living Prophets class study/homework day. KLTP + Topic Paper + Study for Midterm. Probably not going to finish everything I need to which means I will probably not go to the 9 o'clock class on Tuesday so I will have more time to do my stuff to turn in at noon. Then after class on Tuesday will be Judaism and D&C stuff. I'm probably not going to get all of my D&C reading done. Which is potentially disastrous. *sigh*
I forgot to do one of my Judaism reading and writing assignments that was due on Friday at midnight. I keep reminding myself to do it and just turn it in late but I don't.
Okay. General Schedule for the next three days:
Monday: 9:35= Wake up/Shower; 10:00= Homework: Topic Paper, KLTP, Midterm studying; 2:30= Movie; 4:00= Death Cab
Tuesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Finish Prophets class homework; 12:00= Prophets Class; 2:00= Study; 3:00= Prophets Exam; 4:30= Jamba Juice reward; 4:45= Homework: Judaism and D&C
Wednesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Homework: Judaism; 11:00= Judaism class; 12:00= Homework: D&C; 1:00= D&C class; 3:00= Study D&C; 4:30= D&C Exam; 6:30= Study Judaism; 7:30= Judaism exam; 9:00= Go home and pack, sleep
Okay good. I have everything figured out now. I might not be able to see the movie on Monday anymore since I'm meeting at 4 to go to Death Cab. But we shall see! (If I can't go to the movie then I'll be able to do more homework anyway...)
I worry if I'm doing things wrong. I can barely manage being in the same room. I want to run up and wrap my arms around him. I never knew I possessed the self-discipline I've been exercising this weekend. I suppose it will get easier as the days go by.
I'm doing what I've been advised to do. Yesterday probably could've gone better for me. I think I didn't leave my dorm at all except to go to the store. I can't even really remember. (Oh wait, I went running for a little bit.) I do remember lying in my bed for most of the day crying alone, bawling over the phone, or praying in desperation for the strength to make it through this. I wasn't sure if I could even trust myself to be alone. I almost called Andy to take me to the emergency room so I could get some sedatives or something. I couldn't believe how much I felt I was losing control.
Today on the way to church Lori-Ann asked me if I was going to stop by Brenden's place. I said, "No, not today." Sadly, I probably won't be stopping by there at all for the rest of the term (which I guess is only like three more weeks but still...). Then she mentioned how he hadn't been over for awhile. I know she knows that we broke up. Because he had been over just on Friday. It's not like it's been forever. I didn't say that we weren't together anymore. I just pretended like we didn't get the chance to see each other. When will I accept it?
Church was painful. I couldn't stand being away from him, knowing he was right there. I feel horrible for having to change FHE groups. I wanted to tell Brother Thomas to switch me out, not Brenden. That was Brenden's FHE. I didn't feel it was right. I made myself go to ward choir to do something with my time. I guess I knew he would be there. I don't know if that played a part in my decision to go. I had actually planned on skipping it. I went to HFAC to find a decent piano since the one in our basement sucks but all the practice rooms were locked. I sat outside HFAC for a little while and read the newspaper from Friday and then looked at the time. 3:07. I decided to go to ward choir. I didn't sign the role because I'm not sure I want to go back. It was nice. I think I suck at singing. I can't really sight read or sing very well. And then, of course, it's just difficult being there. I wanted to leave. I want this to be over.
I want to kiss him again.
Tomorrow was supposed to be my ultimate study day. I have a paper due on Tuesday (minimum of six pages) that I have yet to start on. I have three midterms to take on Tuesday and Wednesday. And I have so much reading I need to do. SO MUCH READING. I'm less than halfway through my book for Judaism and that needs to be done by Wednesday so I can take the exam. I don't even know where I left off for D&C. And I need to get the notes from last Wednesday from someone.
Tomorrow's schedule has changed. Around 2:30 I'm supposed to go see a movie with Susan and some other kiddos from the ward. And then at 4:00 I'm meeting the Broadbent RA, Kevin, and Claire from my FHE group to go see Death Cab.
I'm thinking tomorrow is my Living Prophets class study/homework day. KLTP + Topic Paper + Study for Midterm. Probably not going to finish everything I need to which means I will probably not go to the 9 o'clock class on Tuesday so I will have more time to do my stuff to turn in at noon. Then after class on Tuesday will be Judaism and D&C stuff. I'm probably not going to get all of my D&C reading done. Which is potentially disastrous. *sigh*
I forgot to do one of my Judaism reading and writing assignments that was due on Friday at midnight. I keep reminding myself to do it and just turn it in late but I don't.
Okay. General Schedule for the next three days:
Monday: 9:35= Wake up/Shower; 10:00= Homework: Topic Paper, KLTP, Midterm studying; 2:30= Movie; 4:00= Death Cab
Tuesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Finish Prophets class homework; 12:00= Prophets Class; 2:00= Study; 3:00= Prophets Exam; 4:30= Jamba Juice reward; 4:45= Homework: Judaism and D&C
Wednesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Homework: Judaism; 11:00= Judaism class; 12:00= Homework: D&C; 1:00= D&C class; 3:00= Study D&C; 4:30= D&C Exam; 6:30= Study Judaism; 7:30= Judaism exam; 9:00= Go home and pack, sleep
Okay good. I have everything figured out now. I might not be able to see the movie on Monday anymore since I'm meeting at 4 to go to Death Cab. But we shall see! (If I can't go to the movie then I'll be able to do more homework anyway...)
22.5.08
Questions: College
Is it wrong that I find researching colleges incredibly interesting and exciting?
Is it bad that I am enjoying looking up schools to which I may transfer?
Is it bad that I am enjoying looking up schools to which I may transfer?
15.5.08
Sleep
Last night as I was falling asleep I could feel the curtain of unconsciousness slowly closing around me. It was something I was very aware of. I quite literally felt as though a black velvet curtain was wrapping around my body. I realized the curtain was closing on me slowly and there was one thing I could do to stop it and that was to move. But I was so intensely afraid I felt truly paralyzed. I'm not sure what I was so scared of but I was so frightened I could not bring myself to even reach for my phone on my desk to call someone. Eventually my fear exhausted me and I closed my eyes and was drowned in the black velvet.
14.5.08
Question
Why do the simplest things nowadays make my eyes start to water and create this horrible knot in my chest?
13.5.08
Thoughts
I often forget what I'm living for.
I miss the people that entered my life and left, forgetting who I was.
Sometimes I lose all hope.
I miss the people that entered my life and left, forgetting who I was.
Sometimes I lose all hope.
11.5.08
10.5.08
8.5.08
Major decision: major idea
I think I want to go into some kind of religion major. I've been interested in religion since I was very young. Having attended Catholic schools from kindergarten to high school graduation and now attending an LDS religious university, I've always taken religion courses. I've gone to thousands of Sunday School classes and graduated seminary, which involves studying the scriptures every morning before school.
Unlike many of my classmates during my middle and high school years, I actually enjoyed a good portion of my religion classes. Despite the fact that I was studying theology very different from my personal beliefs, I found myself engrossed in the subject matter. I even remember each of my teachers' names (Ms. Syes, Mrs. Macklin, Ms. Turner, Sister Mary Frances, Mr. Sadler, Sister Jane, Ms. Lai)! In fifth grade I was given an award for the highest GPA in my Catholic religion course. I would often recall this, laugh and jokingly say I was more Catholic than my Catholic friends. But the truth is simply that I enjoyed learning about their religion. I participated in discussions and would compare aspects of the LDS theology with that of Catholicism. Attending my LDS seminary classes in the morning before school and then going to school and attending my theology classes there was an intellectually enlarging experience.
I came to Brigham Young University last fall completely sure of my Psychology major. I had heard of students changing their majors several times during school but I seriously doubted this group of students would include me. I had chosen my Psychology major back in my freshman year of high school.
I had considered three other majors: English, Graphic Design and Neuroscience. But never Religion. My high school English teacher described my writing as mediocre and destroyed my dreams to become a writer and though I still enjoyed reading immensely, I decided if I couldn't be a writer then I wouldn't bother with English whatsoever. Graphic Design was a short-lived idea. I was especially interested in web design and book and cd covers. Then I decided my skills weren't good enough and, well, frankly, I'm too lazy to attempt to develop them much further. (Yes, this is very sad and quite pathetic. I understand this. Oh well.) I realized that Neuroscience could be an incredibly interesting major. I figured if I went into Neuroscience I would become a scientist/researcher trying to find new cures/medications to "fix" the human brain. And while I do trust medications to some extent, I truly believe that psychiatrists and regular family doctors throw antidepressants, and other kinds of psychoactive drugs and psychotropic substances at people when really all they need are constructive ways to cope with stress and trauma. I believe that drugs should be used in addition to constructive psychotherapy, if necessary. And, what would appear contrary to my own practices, I believe drugs should be distributed and used within sensible limits. I think that many Americans (perhaps it's more of an international problem than I am aware of) are over-medicated. What they need is just some effective coping skills. Which is why I originally decided on psychology. I wanted to study psychology in order to later become a cognitive therapist to help people develop these skills. I understand that drugs are effective and, in many cases, necessary. But I wanted to make sure that I was doing what I could do for those who didn't need those drugs but still found the daily trials of life to be more difficult than they should be.
I still find Psychology to be incredibly interesting. I still love reading and enjoy writing. I occasionally doodle and design covers for CDs. But I can't really see me pursuing these subjects as more than hobbies or interests. Religion on the other hand...
When I withdrew from all my classes last semester, it was an action instigated by my poor emotional state. I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and thought perhaps I wouldn't do anything at all and simply end it. I was brushing shoulders with another emotional breakdown that would've been much worse than the one last November. I had to drop my classes. Once I did that, I had pretty much given up on Psychology. I decided to stay for Spring term so that I might be able to take some other classes and perhaps find something else I was interested in. I ended up signing up for three different religion classes and one gymnastics class. I am incredibly enthusiastic about all of them.
Out of all the classes I've taken since I've been in college, my religion courses are the ones that I've enjoyed the most (they are also the ones I feel I've benefited most from). Is it any wonder that I would want to major in this area?
(Also, the idea of studying at BYU's Jerusalem Center gives me chills.)
Unlike many of my classmates during my middle and high school years, I actually enjoyed a good portion of my religion classes. Despite the fact that I was studying theology very different from my personal beliefs, I found myself engrossed in the subject matter. I even remember each of my teachers' names (Ms. Syes, Mrs. Macklin, Ms. Turner, Sister Mary Frances, Mr. Sadler, Sister Jane, Ms. Lai)! In fifth grade I was given an award for the highest GPA in my Catholic religion course. I would often recall this, laugh and jokingly say I was more Catholic than my Catholic friends. But the truth is simply that I enjoyed learning about their religion. I participated in discussions and would compare aspects of the LDS theology with that of Catholicism. Attending my LDS seminary classes in the morning before school and then going to school and attending my theology classes there was an intellectually enlarging experience.
I came to Brigham Young University last fall completely sure of my Psychology major. I had heard of students changing their majors several times during school but I seriously doubted this group of students would include me. I had chosen my Psychology major back in my freshman year of high school.
I had considered three other majors: English, Graphic Design and Neuroscience. But never Religion. My high school English teacher described my writing as mediocre and destroyed my dreams to become a writer and though I still enjoyed reading immensely, I decided if I couldn't be a writer then I wouldn't bother with English whatsoever. Graphic Design was a short-lived idea. I was especially interested in web design and book and cd covers. Then I decided my skills weren't good enough and, well, frankly, I'm too lazy to attempt to develop them much further. (Yes, this is very sad and quite pathetic. I understand this. Oh well.) I realized that Neuroscience could be an incredibly interesting major. I figured if I went into Neuroscience I would become a scientist/researcher trying to find new cures/medications to "fix" the human brain. And while I do trust medications to some extent, I truly believe that psychiatrists and regular family doctors throw antidepressants, and other kinds of psychoactive drugs and psychotropic substances at people when really all they need are constructive ways to cope with stress and trauma. I believe that drugs should be used in addition to constructive psychotherapy, if necessary. And, what would appear contrary to my own practices, I believe drugs should be distributed and used within sensible limits. I think that many Americans (perhaps it's more of an international problem than I am aware of) are over-medicated. What they need is just some effective coping skills. Which is why I originally decided on psychology. I wanted to study psychology in order to later become a cognitive therapist to help people develop these skills. I understand that drugs are effective and, in many cases, necessary. But I wanted to make sure that I was doing what I could do for those who didn't need those drugs but still found the daily trials of life to be more difficult than they should be.
I still find Psychology to be incredibly interesting. I still love reading and enjoy writing. I occasionally doodle and design covers for CDs. But I can't really see me pursuing these subjects as more than hobbies or interests. Religion on the other hand...
When I withdrew from all my classes last semester, it was an action instigated by my poor emotional state. I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and thought perhaps I wouldn't do anything at all and simply end it. I was brushing shoulders with another emotional breakdown that would've been much worse than the one last November. I had to drop my classes. Once I did that, I had pretty much given up on Psychology. I decided to stay for Spring term so that I might be able to take some other classes and perhaps find something else I was interested in. I ended up signing up for three different religion classes and one gymnastics class. I am incredibly enthusiastic about all of them.
Out of all the classes I've taken since I've been in college, my religion courses are the ones that I've enjoyed the most (they are also the ones I feel I've benefited most from). Is it any wonder that I would want to major in this area?
(Also, the idea of studying at BYU's Jerusalem Center gives me chills.)
7.5.08
Hello New Blog. Welcome to the World (wide web).
I'm slightly concerned that this blog will become just like my original blog: a space where I vent and sound like a whiney little brat who doesn't know even the beginning of suffering. And while I understand that people actually DO have life harder than I have it, this realization doesn't make me change my mind on complaining to the whole world how ABSOLUTELY, DREADFULLY INTENSE my pain is .
I've been meaning to write in this blog since I created it last Tuesday for my creative writing class. I've since dropped the class and left the blog desolate. But no longer! I am planting words into this vast emptiness. (I am not, however, reclaiming that class. I was a fool to even consider it to begin with. Seeing how it's a three hour credit course that deals with intensive writing and reading. While I love writing and reading, I think I would've been setting myself up for another nervous breakdown taking that course. In all honesty, I think the class is going to brilliant and great. I know I would've read amazing things and learned even more amazing things. But as I was signed up for other courses, I really doubted in my ability to handle the course load. I think I will be better off taking it during a major semester.) Wow, that was a long parenthetical statement. And I think this paragraph is done now.
My social anxiety is what I'd like to describe as the supreme hindrance to my emotional well-being. Although I suppose my social anxiety is caused by my pathetic emotional well-being. What a sucky predicament.
I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.
I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.
It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.
I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.
I've been meaning to write in this blog since I created it last Tuesday for my creative writing class. I've since dropped the class and left the blog desolate. But no longer! I am planting words into this vast emptiness. (I am not, however, reclaiming that class. I was a fool to even consider it to begin with. Seeing how it's a three hour credit course that deals with intensive writing and reading. While I love writing and reading, I think I would've been setting myself up for another nervous breakdown taking that course. In all honesty, I think the class is going to brilliant and great. I know I would've read amazing things and learned even more amazing things. But as I was signed up for other courses, I really doubted in my ability to handle the course load. I think I will be better off taking it during a major semester.) Wow, that was a long parenthetical statement. And I think this paragraph is done now.
My social anxiety is what I'd like to describe as the supreme hindrance to my emotional well-being. Although I suppose my social anxiety is caused by my pathetic emotional well-being. What a sucky predicament.
I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.
I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.
It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.
I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.
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