Atonement

Heavenly Father knew the pain from disobeying his commandments would be almost too hard to bear. I am so grateful that Jesus Christ went through the Atonement for me. I have horrible feelings of sadness and guilt. Guilt for what I'd done and guilt for having put Christ through this suffering for me. I am sad because I feel so alone and I know that Christ was even more alone than anyone who has ever lived on this earth when even Heavenly Father had to turn away from him. I can't believe how unbearable this is for me.

I can't be here. I can't be here.

I have to go home now.

Nonononono

I had all of my midterms planned out. I understood my D&C midterm to start on Wednesday. That's what I thought I read in the syllabus, now that I look at it more closely I suppose it could mean that the midterm is any time between the two dates not necessarily available on the first date. Crapcrapcrap.

My flight leaves at 10:30 AM on Thursday morning. The Testing Center doesn't open until 10 AM on Thursday. There is no way I could take it on the regularly scheduled times. Mom is checking to see if I can change to a later flight so I can take my exam Thursday morning. This massively sucks.

Friday I was in shock. Saturday I felt hopeless. Sunday I had my faith restored. Today everything seems to be falling apart again.

Why does it have to be like this?

Wow

I am doing my best to keep busy. Change my surroundings so as not to be bombarded with memories of just a few days ago. I don't want to feel sad. I wonder if I am running away from feelings that I need to be feeling.

I worry if I'm doing things wrong. I can barely manage being in the same room. I want to run up and wrap my arms around him. I never knew I possessed the self-discipline I've been exercising this weekend. I suppose it will get easier as the days go by.

I'm doing what I've been advised to do. Yesterday probably could've gone better for me. I think I didn't leave my dorm at all except to go to the store. I can't even really remember. (Oh wait, I went running for a little bit.) I do remember lying in my bed for most of the day crying alone, bawling over the phone, or praying in desperation for the strength to make it through this. I wasn't sure if I could even trust myself to be alone. I almost called Andy to take me to the emergency room so I could get some sedatives or something. I couldn't believe how much I felt I was losing control.

Today on the way to church Lori-Ann asked me if I was going to stop by Brenden's place. I said, "No, not today." Sadly, I probably won't be stopping by there at all for the rest of the term (which I guess is only like three more weeks but still...). Then she mentioned how he hadn't been over for awhile. I know she knows that we broke up. Because he had been over just on Friday. It's not like it's been forever. I didn't say that we weren't together anymore. I just pretended like we didn't get the chance to see each other. When will I accept it?

Church was painful. I couldn't stand being away from him, knowing he was right there. I feel horrible for having to change FHE groups. I wanted to tell Brother Thomas to switch me out, not Brenden. That was Brenden's FHE. I didn't feel it was right. I made myself go to ward choir to do something with my time. I guess I knew he would be there. I don't know if that played a part in my decision to go. I had actually planned on skipping it. I went to HFAC to find a decent piano since the one in our basement sucks but all the practice rooms were locked. I sat outside HFAC for a little while and read the newspaper from Friday and then looked at the time. 3:07. I decided to go to ward choir. I didn't sign the role because I'm not sure I want to go back. It was nice. I think I suck at singing. I can't really sight read or sing very well. And then, of course, it's just difficult being there. I wanted to leave. I want this to be over.

I want to kiss him again.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my ultimate study day. I have a paper due on Tuesday (minimum of six pages) that I have yet to start on. I have three midterms to take on Tuesday and Wednesday. And I have so much reading I need to do. SO MUCH READING. I'm less than halfway through my book for Judaism and that needs to be done by Wednesday so I can take the exam. I don't even know where I left off for D&C. And I need to get the notes from last Wednesday from someone.

Tomorrow's schedule has changed. Around 2:30 I'm supposed to go see a movie with Susan and some other kiddos from the ward. And then at 4:00 I'm meeting the Broadbent RA, Kevin, and Claire from my FHE group to go see Death Cab.

I'm thinking tomorrow is my Living Prophets class study/homework day. KLTP + Topic Paper + Study for Midterm. Probably not going to finish everything I need to which means I will probably not go to the 9 o'clock class on Tuesday so I will have more time to do my stuff to turn in at noon. Then after class on Tuesday will be Judaism and D&C stuff. I'm probably not going to get all of my D&C reading done. Which is potentially disastrous. *sigh*

I forgot to do one of my Judaism reading and writing assignments that was due on Friday at midnight. I keep reminding myself to do it and just turn it in late but I don't.

Okay. General Schedule for the next three days:
Monday: 9:35= Wake up/Shower; 10:00= Homework: Topic Paper, KLTP, Midterm studying; 2:30= Movie; 4:00= Death Cab
Tuesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Finish Prophets class homework; 12:00= Prophets Class; 2:00= Study; 3:00= Prophets Exam; 4:30= Jamba Juice reward; 4:45= Homework: Judaism and D&C
Wednesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Homework: Judaism; 11:00= Judaism class; 12:00= Homework: D&C; 1:00= D&C class; 3:00= Study D&C; 4:30= D&C Exam; 6:30= Study Judaism; 7:30= Judaism exam; 9:00= Go home and pack, sleep

Okay good. I have everything figured out now. I might not be able to see the movie on Monday anymore since I'm meeting at 4 to go to Death Cab. But we shall see! (If I can't go to the movie then I'll be able to do more homework anyway...)

Questions: College

Is it wrong that I find researching colleges incredibly interesting and exciting?

Is it bad that I am enjoying looking up schools to which I may transfer?

Sleep

Last night as I was falling asleep I could feel the curtain of unconsciousness slowly closing around me. It was something I was very aware of. I quite literally felt as though a black velvet curtain was wrapping around my body. I realized the curtain was closing on me slowly and there was one thing I could do to stop it and that was to move. But I was so intensely afraid I felt truly paralyzed. I'm not sure what I was so scared of but I was so frightened I could not bring myself to even reach for my phone on my desk to call someone. Eventually my fear exhausted me and I closed my eyes and was drowned in the black velvet.

Question

Why do the simplest things nowadays make my eyes start to water and create this horrible knot in my chest?

Thoughts

I often forget what I'm living for.

I miss the people that entered my life and left, forgetting who I was.

Sometimes I lose all hope.

Chicken.
Folders.
Folgers in your cup.
Evaporated milk.
Mothers.
Day.
COMMUNISM.
Water.
Flu.
Spam.
Blocker.

Thought

I need more skirts. And some freakin' shoes.

Major decision: major idea

I think I want to go into some kind of religion major. I've been interested in religion since I was very young. Having attended Catholic schools from kindergarten to high school graduation and now attending an LDS religious university, I've always taken religion courses. I've gone to thousands of Sunday School classes and graduated seminary, which involves studying the scriptures every morning before school.

Unlike many of my classmates during my middle and high school years, I actually enjoyed a good portion of my religion classes. Despite the fact that I was studying theology very different from my personal beliefs, I found myself engrossed in the subject matter. I even remember each of my teachers' names (Ms. Syes, Mrs. Macklin, Ms. Turner, Sister Mary Frances, Mr. Sadler, Sister Jane, Ms. Lai)! In fifth grade I was given an award for the highest GPA in my Catholic religion course. I would often recall this, laugh and jokingly say I was more Catholic than my Catholic friends. But the truth is simply that I enjoyed learning about their religion. I participated in discussions and would compare aspects of the LDS theology with that of Catholicism. Attending my LDS seminary classes in the morning before school and then going to school and attending my theology classes there was an intellectually enlarging experience.

I came to Brigham Young University last fall completely sure of my Psychology major. I had heard of students changing their majors several times during school but I seriously doubted this group of students would include me. I had chosen my Psychology major back in my freshman year of high school.

I had considered three other majors: English, Graphic Design and Neuroscience. But never Religion. My high school English teacher described my writing as mediocre and destroyed my dreams to become a writer and though I still enjoyed reading immensely, I decided if I couldn't be a writer then I wouldn't bother with English whatsoever. Graphic Design was a short-lived idea. I was especially interested in web design and book and cd covers. Then I decided my skills weren't good enough and, well, frankly, I'm too lazy to attempt to develop them much further. (Yes, this is very sad and quite pathetic. I understand this. Oh well.) I realized that Neuroscience could be an incredibly interesting major. I figured if I went into Neuroscience I would become a scientist/researcher trying to find new cures/medications to "fix" the human brain. And while I do trust medications to some extent, I truly believe that psychiatrists and regular family doctors throw antidepressants, and other kinds of psychoactive drugs and psychotropic substances at people when really all they need are constructive ways to cope with stress and trauma. I believe that drugs should be used in addition to constructive psychotherapy, if necessary. And, what would appear contrary to my own practices, I believe drugs should be distributed and used within sensible limits. I think that many Americans (perhaps it's more of an international problem than I am aware of) are over-medicated. What they need is just some effective coping skills. Which is why I originally decided on psychology. I wanted to study psychology in order to later become a cognitive therapist to help people develop these skills. I understand that drugs are effective and, in many cases, necessary. But I wanted to make sure that I was doing what I could do for those who didn't need those drugs but still found the daily trials of life to be more difficult than they should be.

I still find Psychology to be incredibly interesting. I still love reading and enjoy writing. I occasionally doodle and design covers for CDs. But I can't really see me pursuing these subjects as more than hobbies or interests. Religion on the other hand...

When I withdrew from all my classes last semester, it was an action instigated by my poor emotional state. I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and thought perhaps I wouldn't do anything at all and simply end it. I was brushing shoulders with another emotional breakdown that would've been much worse than the one last November. I had to drop my classes. Once I did that, I had pretty much given up on Psychology. I decided to stay for Spring term so that I might be able to take some other classes and perhaps find something else I was interested in. I ended up signing up for three different religion classes and one gymnastics class. I am incredibly enthusiastic about all of them.

Out of all the classes I've taken since I've been in college, my religion courses are the ones that I've enjoyed the most (they are also the ones I feel I've benefited most from). Is it any wonder that I would want to major in this area?

(Also, the idea of studying at BYU's Jerusalem Center gives me chills.)

Thought

I just want to be sedated.

Hello New Blog. Welcome to the World (wide web).

I'm slightly concerned that this blog will become just like my original blog: a space where I vent and sound like a whiney little brat who doesn't know even the beginning of suffering. And while I understand that people actually DO have life harder than I have it, this realization doesn't make me change my mind on complaining to the whole world how ABSOLUTELY, DREADFULLY INTENSE my pain is.

I've been meaning to write in this blog since I created it last Tuesday for my creative writing class. I've since dropped the class and left the blog desolate. But no longer! I am planting words into this vast emptiness. (I am not, however, reclaiming that class. I was a fool to even consider it to begin with. Seeing how it's a three hour credit course that deals with intensive writing and reading. While I love writing and reading, I think I would've been setting myself up for another nervous breakdown taking that course. In all honesty, I think the class is going to brilliant and great. I know I would've read amazing things and learned even more amazing things. But as I was signed up for other courses, I really doubted in my ability to handle the course load. I think I will be better off taking it during a major semester.) Wow, that was a long parenthetical statement. And I think this paragraph is done now.

My social anxiety is what I'd like to describe as the supreme hindrance to my emotional well-being. Although I suppose my social anxiety is caused by my pathetic emotional well-being. What a sucky predicament.

I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.

I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.

It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.

I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.