Whoa.

School has definitely started.

Right now I feel so crazy. I'm incredibly excited about this semester but trying to get organized the first week is a bit overwhelming. I'm still arranging my schedule my around. I dropped the Civilizaton: Literature class and I switched to a different Abnormal Psychology class. Instead of having class from 4-6:30 on Monday I'll have class from 5-7:30 on Wednesday which will make my Wednesday schedule a bit longer and my Monday schedule a bit better for my calling and not so rushed.

Today I went to five classes (I changed Psychology after going for the first class) and I knew people in the first four of those. It was fantastic! I met some other people too which was really nice. I had lunch with Missy and Rachel at the MOA cafe and I think we're going to start up MOA Mondays again with a little group of friends. There's nothing like overpriced salads and good conversation on Mondays! I miss people. My last fall semester at BYU was my freshman year. Weird how everything has changed so much since then. Also...I HATE how crowded it is on campus again! Major semesters bug the heck out of me. People EVERYWHERE.

(There's a tuba playing in one of Regina Spektor's songs on her latest album. That's exciting!)

I'm really quite nervous about my Abnormal Psychology and Critical Inquiry & Research Methods classes. Abnormal Psychology is going to really interesting but it just seems a bit more difficult than my other classes (based on the syllabus, at least). Critical Inquiry & Research Methods just sounds boring. And boring things are difficult for me. Well, except for shelving books. That was boring but I was really good at it. Although to some extent that was difficult, also. I just didn't want to to do it. I get to read the four Gospels within the next two weeks for my New Testament class which means an average of 12-13 pages a day. Which means I should probably get started.

On an information sheet that we're supposed to turn in for one of my classes, we were supposed to say something about ourselves that we thought our professor would like to know or was interesting about ourselves. I was very tempted to write, "I really like people but I'm ridiculously shy and sometimes come across as being snobby or stuck up. It's kinda more than lame." Instead I wrote, "I want to go into Marriage and Family Therapy."

OH MY GOODNESS. This whole business of being a TA is kinda crazy. I have so so much to do for that. I'm still not officially working until I get this form turned in. I had to do some online TA training to fill it out. I need to get my professor to sign it. I need to get the Head TA to finalize the schedule and okay my hours and lecture attendance. I hope it all works out... This week is CRAZY. I have TA training on Wednesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my bishop on Wednesday evening. I have volunteer orientation at Utah State Hospital on Saturday morning (still need to find a ride to that). I desperately need to go to the grocery store sometime. Everything seems so crazy right now because I haven't organized everything in my planner and my work hours aren't finalized. I think as soon as that gets done I'll find myself feeling a lot better about everything. Right now all these things are floating around in my head and I'm just struggling to remember everything. AHH!

Homework time.

August 30th

Happy 20th Birthday Brenden!

Awake.

I think it's because it's late. Not why I'm awake but why I'm feeling like I do.

I'm scared and lonely.

I didn't write a letter today. I was too busy.

It's 2 AM.

Today was a good day. I visited two of my teachers from elementary school. I got seasons 3 and 4 of House, Au Revoir Simone's and Regina Spektor's latest albums. I saw old friends and got to hold a baby. I played a lot of Nertz and Speed.

I get depressed late at night. I leave tomorrow. I kinda just want someone to give me a hug. I don't miss him right now. Although I feel somewhat empty. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep. I didn't feel empty today when I saw Mrs. Sunseri at her nursing home and talked and smiled and cried with her. I didn't feel empty when she hugged me. I have no idea why I want to study gerontology. But I felt reassured that it was right as I left Village on the Park. I didn't feel empty then.

It got me thinking. I love Brenden. I expended a lot of time and energy in showing that love to him. I love people. Maybe now I'm supposed to use my time and energy in showing that love towards others. Do I even have enough time to help like I want to? Am I even going to do it?

I want to be there for people. No one should be alone. No one should ever be alone.

Sometimes I write

It's midnight and my family is sleeping.

I want to drive.

Best part of being back home is being able to drive. I haven't done enough of it. All I want to do is drive. Alone. Around Galveston. I want to drive around my past. Encircle it and wrap myself around it. I want to grab hold of it and remember, remember, remember. Perhaps not relive it but live with it. Find that part of me that knew who I was then and see if it at all corresponds with who I am now. Am I still that same person? Do people change?

I really doubt I make sense most of the time.

Words are useless! Either I seriously don't know enough of them or they simply fail in expressing anything I wish to express.

I don't even know what to express.

My heart pounding. Perhaps it's caffeine induced. Excedrin induced. Migraine induced. Induced isn't the word I want to use. Pounding isn't either.

I want to live in the alleys of Galveston. Not homeless. I wish I could wander. But I'm trapped here in this home, confined by these walls and a mother who defines our routes and time and mileage. I love Galveston so much. I love its history, its buildings, its people. I love its beach, its birds, its storms. I wish I could stay here forever. I wish I could explore Galveston's alleys, its secret places. Galveston is real. It's more real than any other place has been or will be in my life. Does that make sense?

I want to count and listen to the cars that drive by on Ferry Road. I want to make up stories of where their drivers are going, imagine their lives, think of people who aren't me. People who are living their lives.

I think I'm done.

This Right Now

It hasn't been like this in a long time. Mornings are the hardest now. It's getting harder to fight that desire to just spend the entire day in bed. Waking up in the morning used to be the easier part of my day. How am I supposed to start a new semester when I'm already dreading getting out of bed? At least while I'm at home I have to do things with my family. When I get back to school who's going to force me to get up?

Plus, I'm changing my schedule around and there really aren't any classes I'm that interested in taking. It's probably just the whole being bummed about life thing I'm going through right now. Hopefully things will start to look up when I get back to Utah. This is me doing that thing again. Hoping that the next thing will be better, just trying to get through this right now.

These are the classes I'm taking this fall. I'm going to drop either Civ Lit or Abnormal Psych. I don't want to take 17 hrs while TA-ing for Human Development. On one hand I think keeping insanely busy could be good for me but on the other hand I know I won't be able to handle it.
SFL260- Family Finance MWF 9-9:50
SFL290- Crit. Inquiry and Research Meth. MWF 10-10:50
RELA211- New Testament MW 12-12:50
RELC393R- LDS in Wartime MW 3-3:50
PSYCH342- Abnormal Psychology M 4-6:30
CMLIT201- Civilization: Literature 1 TTH 4-5:15
RELC355- Judaism & the Gospel F 2-2:50

I don't really have any classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is really annoying. I wish my schedule was more spread out but I guess that means those days can be for my TA office hours. Hopefully that works out okay.

School

I haven't officially added a Psychology minor yet but I'm pretty sure I'm going to.

I'm thinking I want to add a Gerontology minor too...

(4)

Today is a slightly better day than yesterday.

I cannot count the number of times I just stopped what I was doing yesterday and started crying. I was so stressed out, it was ridiculous. I climbed into bed around 11 o'clock and started crying again. I wasn't finished cleaning, I wasn't nearly done studying, I hadn't started packing, and I missed Brenden so much. I couldn't sleep and I knew I was going to wake up at 6 AM so I could continue studying so the fact that I couldn't sleep only stressed me out more and made it even more difficult for me to sleep. And once I finally fell asleep, it was one of those restless kinds of sleep where I was still thinking of the things I needed to do but was halfway asleep. And then my alarm went off at 6 and I was exhausted and reset it for 6:30 but the whole 30 minutes between 6 and 6:30 I kept thinking about all the studying and things I needed to be doing so I didn't get any extra rest then either.

I woke up and started studying. I decided I was hungry so I left my apartment and walked to school where I got a donut and continued doing practice problems except that I left my calculator at home so I was trying to do all the computations on my cell phone and then I got to a problem that needed me to do a square root. I skipped it, read through the rest of the problems, and walked to the testing center. I thought surely I was going to fail this thing. I didn't do ANY of the reading for the last eight lectures (actually only 4 lecture periods but during the summer, you have two lectures in one period). Even though the final was comprehensive, we were told that 60% of it was new material (you know, the stuff I didn't read). I wanted more time to study but my professor said to plan about four hours for the exam and if I spent any more time studying then I might not be back at my apartment in time to finish cleaning for my cleaning check. So I walked into the testing center around 8:30 and took the stupid exam. I finished around 10 (2.5 hours earlier than I had anticipated) and was amazed to see on the screen that I made a 91%. I actually walked out the door and then back in to check it again and make sure I read the right ID number. I did. It was quite exciting.

I'm home now. I finished cleaning about an hour ago. My cleaning check isn't for at least another hour. I don't know what to do. I think I might try reading something that isn't about statistics now. Or maybe I'll try a nap. I'm pretty tired.

Gah, I wish I had friends here right now. You have no idea how lonely I am.

(3)

It's probably unhealthy for me to actually count the days since Brenden and I broke up. But that's how I'm measuring things now. I think back to Saturday afternoon when we were making eggrolls and playing card games. Was that really just four days ago? I want to push it back farther. I want it farther away. It doesn't make sense that day was just the day before Sunday which was the day before Monday which was the day before Tuesday which was yesterday. How is it that Saturday is so close to today and that I'm feeling so horrible today when I was laughing at him singing those Disney songs with Cameron and getting annoyed that he wasn't helping me make the eggrolls on Saturday? I'm hoping that sometime I'll reach that magic number of days away that makes everything better, that number that says, "hey you made it. now feel better." But what is that number? How many days do I have to suffer through this?

Last night I had dinner with Natalie Hansen, a returned missionary who served in Galveston. I told her that my boyfriend and I just broke up on Sunday and she offered to hook me up with some of her returned missionary friends. I really didn't know what to say. My immediate reaction was thinking this thing between Brenden and me is temporary, that I'm just waiting for him to get out on his mission so I can see him off and then I can wait some more until he comes home. My second reaction was yes please find me someone.

The way I've dealt with break ups in the past was simply by finding another boyfriend. I would ignore the pain of letting go of that person by finding someone else to replace that person. I thought more about it and realized I can't do that this time around. I want to be with Brenden; I don't want to replace him at all. Which means I'm actually going to have to deal with this pain. Which means I will need to do things for myself. I haven't actually been without a boyfriend for more than a couple months since the beginning of tenth grade (and unofficially since ninth grade). Everything I would do was for someone else. I'm so used to finding my worth in being someone's girlfriend, in caring about that person and being cared for in return, that I don't understand my true individual worth. In my case, finding another boyfriend would be easy. I'm not trying to sound like "oh I'm so wonderful I can easily find a boyfriend." What I'm saying is that trying to find someone to fill that void would be the easy thing to do. It's not the right thing to do. It would be completely selfish. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I'm just so scared about how difficult this is going to be. I know I can do it. I just really, really don't want to.

I cannot comprehend being just me.

Day 2

Today has not been as good a day as yesterday.

It's probably a mix of what happened between me and Brenden plus the fact that I didn't go to Statistics class all last week and never made up the reading and the final exam is 60% of that new material that I have yet to even glance at. Also, I forgot my wallet at home this morning so I went to school and couldn't eat breakfast or lunch. Now I'm waiting for another Natalie to pick me up so we can go have dinner. Hopefully that'll cheer me up.

It settles in after awhile that realization that all those sad break up songs can now be applied directly to your life. You would listen to them all the time and you would sing along but now, it's real. You're feeling the pain. And you're thinking, "I wish this was just a song."

You're thinking, "I wish this wasn't real."

I miss you more than you could possibly comprehend.

I want to go back to this, right now.

Hmm

I should really eat something.

I haven't eaten since yesterday and even then all I ate was half a package of ramen noodles and half a can of black olives.

I have the best diet ever.

Pseudo-Poetry

Words flooded to mind
Prepared excuses and apologies I thought I wouldn't be using.
(Why did I prepare them then?)
Everything has a reason.
I'm accepting I cannot control this.
I won't talk to you for maybe 28 months or so.
Maybe sooner if I'm lucky.
Maybe longer if I'm not.
Who knows what will happen during that time?
(Heavenly Father)
I'll do my part
And leave the rest to the people in charge.

----------

Stronger than my desire to belt out words
Is my desire to move my body
Leaping across the pavement
Gliding along the grass
Arms flying
Hair, a muted echo of where I've been,
Sometimes covering a face beaming
With hope.

----------

I guess this is peace. This whole not necessarily understanding everything but knowing it will be okay.

I think too much about him still. I mean, of course, it's been, what, a day?

We spoke last night on the phone for awhile as he tried to explain things to me. I gave some suggestions and he said they weren't possible. This is rough. And while I still don't completely understand it, I can accept it. And I will accept it.

It's so crazy how much I've been reminded just today that people care about me and that I'm not alone up here. A friend from spring term randomly contacted me on facebook to see how I was doing, I ran into a friend from back home on my way to class, and then on my way home I saw a wonderful family friend who is teaching at BYU this fall and he invited me for dinner with his family on Sundays. A sister missionary who served in Galveston called me up to schedule dinner sometime this week (this was partly my sister's doing!). Guess what! I'm loved! Even here in Utah! Haha

I still haven't eaten though. I just have no appetite. Not too sure about what to do about that.

It's Happened...

I've become one of those people.

You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind of person who becomes so hysteric that she practically shouts over the person trying to comfort her. That was me. Just earlier. Crying and yelling over the phone while my lungs struggled for air in short, loud, shallow breaths. That was me. Cutting off my parents with shouts of "There's nothing I can do!" and "I don't understand what he meant!" as they tried consoling me.

I deleted the message. The harsh bluntness with which you wrote couldn't possibly have been what you wanted to convey. I deleted it almost immediately. Read it once, twice, three times total and deleted it. It would've been hard to remember what you said last night if I kept that message with me. It's the ending note that lingers at the end of a performance. That's the one stuck in people's heads as they exit the hall. I want to try erasing it just enough so I understand there's nothing I can do to change it while at the same time remembering your hope, your kindness.

This is it, I guess.

It's really over.

Quote

"Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may exist but you have ceased to live."
-Henry David Thoreau

This was the quote I put in my senior yearbook under my picture. I really don't know what I was talking about. Did I even have dreams or aspirations then? If I did, I've totally forgotten them now.

I didn't go grocery shopping. I won't have food to eat this week.

I missed my three lecture periods for statistics last week which means I've missed a total of six lessons of new material. Monday is my last statistics class period and exams are Wednesday and Thursday.

I missed one of my D&C classes last week as well. At least I'm still caught up in the reading for that class.

I canceled a therapy appointment scheduled for last Wednesday. That was when I had decided I was beyond help.

I cleaned my room a bit today to get ready for my new roommate. I feel bad that her side of the room has the broken bookshelf. I feel like I ought to switch.

I have church tomorrow. And Brenden is going to call me in the afternoon to tell me what's going on. EDIT (08/09/09): Brenden is going to TEXT me in the afternoon to tell me he's not going to talk to me again.

Sometimes I get angry.

Sweet Disposition

I have this song I've been listening to recently that feels nostalgic even though it's a recent discovery. I've created memories to play through my mind as I listen to it, memories of things that haven't actually happened. It's weird because the memories are just as real as the music. The music starts playing and I remember the wind blowing through my hair as I sit in the passenger seat with the window rolled down during a road trip I've never taken. I recall running around downtown Houston and just staring up at skyscrapers and feeling like my life had all the potential in the world, feeling like anything at all was possible, though that's never occurred.

The song isn't particularly remarkable. I don't know what it is about it that made me play it on repeat while I fell asleep the night I downloaded it from iTunes or what kept me playing it on repeat the whole next day and why I have it playing on repeat right now. It's made me happy enough to jump out of bed and start dancing. It's made me hopeful enough to think everything is going to be just fine. But it's losing its magic. I told Brenden about the song and how much I love it and then I played it for him and felt embarrassed by just how unremarkable it is and how meaningless it was for him. How can such a song that has no real memories attached to it mean so much to me? I'm really trying to figure it out.

As I continue to listen to it while feeling the way I've been feeling lately has made the song become more sad than happy. I'm associating it with sadness, loneliness, confusion. I'm listening to it when I'm by myself trying not to cry, creating memories that hardly resemble road trips and feelings of opportunity.

But I refuse to stop listening to it. This song that has made its way into my music library a whole three days ago has helped me in a strange way. Even though it's new to me, it makes me think of high school and the feelings I had then when I had college to look forward to, when there was potential and hope for my life to get better. Are these really supposed to be the best years of my life? Am I going to discover later, just as I did with my time in high school which I hated, that I should've been more appreciative, that I should've paid more attention to the small things that are quickly fading and to the big things that I'm disregarding?

Emptying.

I am so used to trying to be the strong one.

I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.

Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.

It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.

Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.

Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.

I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.

It is what it is.

hi.

it's strange, the little things that act as reminders,
the things that no one else would notice
that can bring tears to your eyes,
a smile to your lips,
and everyone around wondering
"what's wrong with her?"
a dragonfly,
spinning leaves as they fall
"helicopters,"
people driving with only one headlight on,
milk, cereal, watermelon,
tillamook cheese,
crayons,
the list goes on.
you tell me this will work out
it will be okay
that i'll get through this.
really?
what other choice do i have?
you keep reminding me that we'll be happier
that things will be better.
is that supposed to make this any easier?
is what's going to happen in the future make
what's happening now any less painful?
you almost make it sound as though
i might have a say,
that something i suggest
could possibly make a difference.
it's all up to you.
i have no choices.

Label

I should come with a label across my forehead.
WARNING: Will destroy your life.

end.

destroy destroy destroy.

everything comes in threes.

ready to catapult into oblivion.
firing mindless words from my bow.
flaming shelters offer no haven.
nothing is free anymore.

this is how it will end.
falling into a vast nothing
with arms flailing, reaching,
trying to grasp anything and

failing.