My, what a year it's been.
I love school. I really do. As much as I complain about it, I really do love it. Kinda like my family...
This semester I volunteered twice a week, held a job, and still managed to pull off all A's. A freakin' 4.0 GPA.
Since I came back to BYU in January I've taken 17 classes and gotten 14 A's and 3 A-'s. I'm anticipating next semester to be more difficult but I am so excited and I am so ready.
Let's just think of a few things that happened this year.
I moved back to Utah and started back at BYU.
I met President Monson.
I made an awesome new friend who is now my roommate.
I was accepted to be part of a research team in Seattle.
I got a job as a TA and then got another job as another TA.
I did well in school.
I went on my first cruise.
And finally,
I got a big answer to a small prayer:
I'm going on a mission!
I spoke with my bishop the Sunday before exams and he said we'll start on papers sometime around February or March so I'll get my call before I go to Seattle but my availability date will be sometime in September.
School- Internship- Mission!
Here's to 2010!
31.12.09
17.11.09
15.11.09
9.11.09
This is called life working out.
From April 27th to August 13th, I will be part of a research team studying family life in Seattle, Washington. I am so excited!
Let's talk about what's been going on in just the last five days.
Thursday: I found out I might not have a job as a Human Development TA next semester because there won't be as many sections taught. There are a lot more experienced TAs so I don't anticipate staying on.
Friday: I went to Salt Lake City and saw a Ballet West performance. When I came home, I checked my email and saw that my research methods teacher emailed me. In her email, she asked me to be her TA next semester. Awesome? Yes.
Saturday: I had lunch with George Tree and Adam Jones. I hadn't seen them since my birthday. And then I watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
Sunday: Great day at church. Wonderful talks, lessons- seriously it was just a good block of meetings. That evening Brenden and I made two dinners: blueberry pancakes and then chicken and rice.
Monday: 9 AM class was cancelled so I got to sleep in. I am now a member of the Flourishing Families Seattle research team. And I got into the Family Adaptation and Resiliency class I wanted for next semester!
And tonight for FHE we're doing an egg drop contest! I'm so excited!
Let's talk about what's been going on in just the last five days.
Thursday: I found out I might not have a job as a Human Development TA next semester because there won't be as many sections taught. There are a lot more experienced TAs so I don't anticipate staying on.
Friday: I went to Salt Lake City and saw a Ballet West performance. When I came home, I checked my email and saw that my research methods teacher emailed me. In her email, she asked me to be her TA next semester. Awesome? Yes.
Saturday: I had lunch with George Tree and Adam Jones. I hadn't seen them since my birthday. And then I watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
Sunday: Great day at church. Wonderful talks, lessons- seriously it was just a good block of meetings. That evening Brenden and I made two dinners: blueberry pancakes and then chicken and rice.
Monday: 9 AM class was cancelled so I got to sleep in. I am now a member of the Flourishing Families Seattle research team. And I got into the Family Adaptation and Resiliency class I wanted for next semester!
And tonight for FHE we're doing an egg drop contest! I'm so excited!
24.10.09
20.10.09
Reality
I had an experience one time when I was meeting with a counselor where I said something that I had never put into words before, something I had never told anyone. What I had said was something along the lines of, "I honestly believe I am capable of doing anything as long as I work hard enough." At the time, my counselor was probably a little surprised both at my confidence and the fact that I wasn't saying I couldn't do anything. He told me that that was good. He didn't bother to also tell me I was deluded. I still believe I could do calculus, make a decent piece of art, fly a plane, cook chicken saltimbocca from the food network's ridiculously complicated recipe book, etc. You know, I could even do a study abroad if I worked full-time with a decent/nice wage job for three whole summers.
Reality is I won't be able to do a study abroad before I graduate. I probably won't be able to do the Seattle Flourishing Families internship (today's interview wasn't exactly an interview and I feel like it went pretty poorly). And this really makes me quite sad. I try not to want things much. The internship I can get over fairly easily. The no study abroad thing will be a little harder. BYU's study abroad program was pretty much the only thing I was excited about when I first decided to come here. Of course, I've since found other things to be excited about here but it's still a little hard for me to accept that I won't be able to do the one thing I really wanted to do here.
Now don't I sound like a whiny brat? "Oh boo hoo I can't study abroad. My life is ruined."
Reality is I won't be able to do a study abroad before I graduate. I probably won't be able to do the Seattle Flourishing Families internship (today's interview wasn't exactly an interview and I feel like it went pretty poorly). And this really makes me quite sad. I try not to want things much. The internship I can get over fairly easily. The no study abroad thing will be a little harder. BYU's study abroad program was pretty much the only thing I was excited about when I first decided to come here. Of course, I've since found other things to be excited about here but it's still a little hard for me to accept that I won't be able to do the one thing I really wanted to do here.
Now don't I sound like a whiny brat? "Oh boo hoo I can't study abroad. My life is ruined."
18.10.09
I do not want to want.
I'm not sure what happened or what it is about me but I often find myself trying to not want things. Which is good to an extent. When I don't want, I don't spend excessive amounts of money on unnecessary things. I become resourceful and creative. I also find life very dull and sad. This is because I do not want even good things in life. I do not hope to get anything at all. I have found that disappointment is much more difficult for me to deal with than simply expecting nothing. And so I expect nothing. And try my best to want nothing. (This is the main reason I did not apply to many of the universities/colleges I wanted so desperately to attend, schools like New York University, University of Puget Sound, Fordham, University of Rochester, Boston, Wesleyan.)
But there are some things I want. A lot.
Like the opportunity to do a study abroad in Vienna. Or a semester at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I want to be a part of the research team next summer in Seattle.
Simply writing these things down as things I want creates lumps in my throat because I am so scared of not getting them. I am scared that not being able to do those things has deeper meaning than simply being unable to do them. I fear that being unable to do them means I am somehow a lesser person.
I realize that much of my attempting to want nothing is due to my knowledge that I can afford very little. (Applying to the schools I really wanted to go to and then getting accepted and then being unable to afford them would've killed me. Example: Acceptance to Brandeis. Brandeis was the one university I really wanted to go to that I applied to. However, I sent an incomplete application, perhaps a subconscious effort to avoid disappointment at the possibility of not being accepted. I received an acceptance letter a number of weeks later, probably due to them waiting for me to send in the last portion of the application- my teacher's recommendation form. Brandeis would've cost me somewhere around $40,000 a year. It was the only school that didn't offer me a scholarship, not that any scholarship I might have qualified for would've made much of a dent in that bill. Still, no other school I was accepted to meant much to me after being denied the opportunity to go to Brandeis. Which is dumb. Especially now that I look back on it and realize that BYU was/is the best place for me.) I do not like the fact that my economic status dictates much of what I can do. I like to believe that I am just as capable as the next person to succeed with and appreciate a study abroad program, summer enrichment programs, a trip to Europe. I do not like that I am denied these kind of opportunities because I cannot afford them. Yes, the majority of this paragraph is in parentheses.
I realize that these things that I want are unnecessary, that people have succeeded without them, that people have led perfectly healthy, wonderful lives without participating in these things, without even having the opportunity to participate in these things. I know I am greatly blessed. It's another reason why I don't want to want. I already have more than I need.
Remember, Natalie. You already have more than you need.
But there are some things I want. A lot.
Like the opportunity to do a study abroad in Vienna. Or a semester at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I want to be a part of the research team next summer in Seattle.
Simply writing these things down as things I want creates lumps in my throat because I am so scared of not getting them. I am scared that not being able to do those things has deeper meaning than simply being unable to do them. I fear that being unable to do them means I am somehow a lesser person.
I realize that much of my attempting to want nothing is due to my knowledge that I can afford very little. (Applying to the schools I really wanted to go to and then getting accepted and then being unable to afford them would've killed me. Example: Acceptance to Brandeis. Brandeis was the one university I really wanted to go to that I applied to. However, I sent an incomplete application, perhaps a subconscious effort to avoid disappointment at the possibility of not being accepted. I received an acceptance letter a number of weeks later, probably due to them waiting for me to send in the last portion of the application- my teacher's recommendation form. Brandeis would've cost me somewhere around $40,000 a year. It was the only school that didn't offer me a scholarship, not that any scholarship I might have qualified for would've made much of a dent in that bill. Still, no other school I was accepted to meant much to me after being denied the opportunity to go to Brandeis. Which is dumb. Especially now that I look back on it and realize that BYU was/is the best place for me.) I do not like the fact that my economic status dictates much of what I can do. I like to believe that I am just as capable as the next person to succeed with and appreciate a study abroad program, summer enrichment programs, a trip to Europe. I do not like that I am denied these kind of opportunities because I cannot afford them. Yes, the majority of this paragraph is in parentheses.
I realize that these things that I want are unnecessary, that people have succeeded without them, that people have led perfectly healthy, wonderful lives without participating in these things, without even having the opportunity to participate in these things. I know I am greatly blessed. It's another reason why I don't want to want. I already have more than I need.
Remember, Natalie. You already have more than you need.
9.10.09
'kay so. (cheese)
I have officially added my Psychology minor. It is there. I have to go to another office to add the Gerontology minor. I'm still thinking about it. I should just go so I can find out more about the minor anyway though.
So. Psychology classes. FANTASTIC. I really, really, really want to take Behavioral Neurobiology.
Also, I have to take Psychological Statistics. Apparently I could've counted that class towards the Statistics I need for my major but I can't count the one I've taken towards my Psych minor. BOOOOOO. That means taking SEVEN FREAKING HOURS of statistics when I really only need to take four. Oh well, I should be a pro, right? I guess I'll actually learn those lessons that I skipped out on the last week of summer term. :P
So. Psychology classes. FANTASTIC. I really, really, really want to take Behavioral Neurobiology.
Also, I have to take Psychological Statistics. Apparently I could've counted that class towards the Statistics I need for my major but I can't count the one I've taken towards my Psych minor. BOOOOOO. That means taking SEVEN FREAKING HOURS of statistics when I really only need to take four. Oh well, I should be a pro, right? I guess I'll actually learn those lessons that I skipped out on the last week of summer term. :P
7.10.09
Boo.
This keeps happening. Each time one of the TAs needs a person to fill in for them, I'm technically available. However, I'm not really available because I set aside that hour to catch up on homework I should've already finished. Not only do I get stressed out about not having finished my homework, I also miss out on helping out other people when they need me (plus getting a few extra hours of working in).
28.9.09
17.9.09
14.9.09
Last night after he left
Carly: Who was that?
Me: My exboyfriend.
Carly: The exboyfriend?
Me: The exboyfriend.
Carly: What's going on? You were so happy.
Me: I don't know.
Listening to my mix formerly known as "Best of the Best to Get Me Depressed." I thought the title was clever (and appropriate) but Brenden had me rename it "Nostalgia" which doesn't work quite as well as the original title but I'll deal with it.
I wish I was more than who I am.
Me: My exboyfriend.
Carly: The exboyfriend?
Me: The exboyfriend.
Carly: What's going on? You were so happy.
Me: I don't know.
Listening to my mix formerly known as "Best of the Best to Get Me Depressed." I thought the title was clever (and appropriate) but Brenden had me rename it "Nostalgia" which doesn't work quite as well as the original title but I'll deal with it.
I wish I was more than who I am.
11.9.09
Today we matched.
Today I saw a pirate. Or at least someone taking notes on fashion from a pirate. And then I saw Myles England. Coincidence? Doubt it.
Last night I finally climbed into bed around midnight. Audrey and I stayed up talking until around 1:45 AM. That was exciting. We were both really tired but at the same time still unable to sleep. We talked about anything that came to mind. Seriously it was one of the most random conversations I've ever had (probably a result of both of us being so tired). We talked about patriarchal blessings, our future husbands (plural only in the sense that there are two of us), responsibilities of fathers, becoming mothers, aliens, the Atonement, how awesome the gospel is, temples (the Houston Temple specifically), families, death, grandparents, eternal marriage, ghosts, what we speculate the pre-existence was like, haunted houses, phobias, childhood memories and everything in between. The last time I had really spoken to any girl like that was in middle school.
Around 1 AM Audrey thought she heard a knock on the front door. She got out of bed to go check it out. Thinking the only logical explanation for a knock at 1 AM on the front door of a college apartment was a murderer waiting outside to attack his victim (remember, I was tired), I figured I'd better go save Audrey. I climbed out of bed and quickly scanned my bedroom for items that could be used as potential weapons. Finding nothing I wrapped myself in my blanket, grabbed my bear, Thomas, and went to see if Audrey was about to be murdered. (Guys, I am dead serious. Those were my actual thoughts. I have to admit being slightly crazy does make life more interesting sometimes.) I scared the crap out of Audrey when she saw me approaching- this hunched over mass of human, blanket, and teddy bear. She literally fell to the floor and stayed there laughing until she was able to catch her breath again. It was fantastic. Oh yeah, there was no one at the door.
I went to the grocery store with my roommate Carly yesterday and on the way home we were talking about me volunteering at the Utah State Hospital. I pointed out to her that we lived within walking distance which is really handy for me since I probably won't have a ride every week I volunteer. Upon further thought of this "convenience" of proximity, I realized that perhaps I shouldn't feel so reassured.
I got my TB test today. It's kinda inconvenient. I have to figure out a way to get to the health center before two o'clock and then back to campus before three. It's totally doable if I run across campus right after my New Testament class then I can get to the health center around 1:15 and hope they don't take too long so I can take the bus back at 1:36. If I miss that bus then I have to walk back. I don't want to walk back during the freaking hottest time of the day although I don't know what difference it would make. I would already be all sweaty from running there earlier anyway. Stupid stupid TB test.
Tonight I'm going to Fall Fest with Audrey and Matt. They're probably going up to the hot springs tonight too. They keep trying to convince me to go but I know my mom won't let me. And I keep telling them this. I was going to go up to the hot springs during the summer term but neither of my parents wanted me to go then. I doubt they've since changed their minds. Really, I'm 21 years old and I can make my own decisions. But not only am I really tired but I also try my best to respect my parents even though I'm a big kid now. Mostly I'm just really tired.
OH MAN. I am so tired.
Ohman. Missy and I are totally going to the silent movie on Halloween.
And I'm listening to Enigma's album The Screen Behind the Mirror. Check it out. Sadly but interestingly, this album provided my first exposure to Carmina Burana. It's been a long, long time since I've listened to them. Some of Red Spectral's music which I've been listening to a lot lately reminded me of them.
Also, I'm going to a weird concert next week. I better be able to get a ride home.
Last night I finally climbed into bed around midnight. Audrey and I stayed up talking until around 1:45 AM. That was exciting. We were both really tired but at the same time still unable to sleep. We talked about anything that came to mind. Seriously it was one of the most random conversations I've ever had (probably a result of both of us being so tired). We talked about patriarchal blessings, our future husbands (plural only in the sense that there are two of us), responsibilities of fathers, becoming mothers, aliens, the Atonement, how awesome the gospel is, temples (the Houston Temple specifically), families, death, grandparents, eternal marriage, ghosts, what we speculate the pre-existence was like, haunted houses, phobias, childhood memories and everything in between. The last time I had really spoken to any girl like that was in middle school.
Around 1 AM Audrey thought she heard a knock on the front door. She got out of bed to go check it out. Thinking the only logical explanation for a knock at 1 AM on the front door of a college apartment was a murderer waiting outside to attack his victim (remember, I was tired), I figured I'd better go save Audrey. I climbed out of bed and quickly scanned my bedroom for items that could be used as potential weapons. Finding nothing I wrapped myself in my blanket, grabbed my bear, Thomas, and went to see if Audrey was about to be murdered. (Guys, I am dead serious. Those were my actual thoughts. I have to admit being slightly crazy does make life more interesting sometimes.) I scared the crap out of Audrey when she saw me approaching- this hunched over mass of human, blanket, and teddy bear. She literally fell to the floor and stayed there laughing until she was able to catch her breath again. It was fantastic. Oh yeah, there was no one at the door.
I went to the grocery store with my roommate Carly yesterday and on the way home we were talking about me volunteering at the Utah State Hospital. I pointed out to her that we lived within walking distance which is really handy for me since I probably won't have a ride every week I volunteer. Upon further thought of this "convenience" of proximity, I realized that perhaps I shouldn't feel so reassured.
I got my TB test today. It's kinda inconvenient. I have to figure out a way to get to the health center before two o'clock and then back to campus before three. It's totally doable if I run across campus right after my New Testament class then I can get to the health center around 1:15 and hope they don't take too long so I can take the bus back at 1:36. If I miss that bus then I have to walk back. I don't want to walk back during the freaking hottest time of the day although I don't know what difference it would make. I would already be all sweaty from running there earlier anyway. Stupid stupid TB test.
Tonight I'm going to Fall Fest with Audrey and Matt. They're probably going up to the hot springs tonight too. They keep trying to convince me to go but I know my mom won't let me. And I keep telling them this. I was going to go up to the hot springs during the summer term but neither of my parents wanted me to go then. I doubt they've since changed their minds. Really, I'm 21 years old and I can make my own decisions. But not only am I really tired but I also try my best to respect my parents even though I'm a big kid now. Mostly I'm just really tired.
OH MAN. I am so tired.
Ohman. Missy and I are totally going to the silent movie on Halloween.
And I'm listening to Enigma's album The Screen Behind the Mirror. Check it out. Sadly but interestingly, this album provided my first exposure to Carmina Burana. It's been a long, long time since I've listened to them. Some of Red Spectral's music which I've been listening to a lot lately reminded me of them.
Also, I'm going to a weird concert next week. I better be able to get a ride home.
I did it.
Yesterday I did something I said I would never do.
I did. I did.
In an effort to save money, I purchased Grandma bread. This morning I have suffered some consequences of that decision. This will continue until that loaf is gone (or moldy).
Why would I do such a thing?
I did. I did.
In an effort to save money, I purchased Grandma bread. This morning I have suffered some consequences of that decision. This will continue until that loaf is gone (or moldy).
Why would I do such a thing?
10.9.09
Thursday
There is always at least one untidy roommate in an apartment. Last night I realized that that roommate is me. I'm the untidy roommate! As I went to throw something away in the kitchen trash can I realized the bag was full. I proceeded to empty the trash can so I could put a new bag in. I had absolutely no intention of actually taking the trash to the dumpster. All I wanted was a place to throw my empty soda bottle. The process of changing the trash bag was a loud and slightly disturbing one for the girls sitting in the living room watching the traditional chick flick. There was some grunting, a few loud kicks to the trash can and a thud as I fell against the wall after freeing the bag from the can. At this, my roommates sitting on the couch turned around and one commented on what a "sweetie" I was for taking out the trash. I almost replied with "Oh, I'm not taking out the trash; I'm just changing the bags," but I realized there was no way I couldn't take out the trash after being called a "sweetie" under the assumption that I was taking out the trash. Really not my fault at all that she assumed as much, even so I smiled and said thanks, grabbed the trash bag and an empty pizza box and walked out the door.
Today I had my first office hour where I actually helped people. WHOA. Grading should be fun.
I hung out in the JFSB for most of the morning today except for when I broke one of the vending machines and ventured outside to find another vending machine that had muffins. I just realized how sad that is. I mean, the whole fact that I went in search of a vending machine that had muffins. Anyway, I was walking out of the Talmage building and heading towards the JKB because apparently math majors don't like muffins or vending machines that vend them when I walked past this dude named Craig Meister. I didn't recognize him. He recognized me. And that event alone was enough to make my day. People don't remember me. How did this guy remember me when the last time I saw him was over four years ago for a BYU summer program that lasted a little less than a week? He had just gotten back from his mission in Greece. It was really exciting to run into him. (Also: I saw a girl who I hung out with from that same program today as I was running late to a TA meeting who did not seem to show any sign of recognition as we made eye contact. Weird, right?)
Audrey totally freaks out about super cute kids too! That's exciting. We both "awww-ed" at this kid in some commercial just now and it made me really happy to realize that there are people who go just as crazy as I do when they see really cute kids.
OH MY GOODNESS MY ROOMMATES ARE AWESOME. (Not paying a water bill is also awesome. Just a random thought as I listen to my third load of dishes in the dishwasher tonight.) Carly (the one who called me a "sweetie") wants to add a music major. She wants to do jazz vocal stuff which is freaking awesome. I'm really excited because she has agreed to be my jazz concert buddy! Audrey and I are going to a percussion recital in a few weeks! And Sarah has an AC/DC song for her ringtone! Yay for roommates who appreciate music!
Okay. Dinner group went well tonight. WHAT?! I enjoyed it. I met new people and they were nice (again, WHAT?!). I don't know if I'll be able to do it almost every day every week though. We'll see. I like food. I got curry leftovers from yesterday's dinner. It's good.
It's 12:34 in Texas right now. Time for bed.
I NEED TO READ THE GOSPELS AND A BOOK ON JUDAISM. Fun stuff!
(Oh, I think it is worth noting that I am now a proud owner of a lighter. And I did not eat a single chicken sandwich today.)
Today I had my first office hour where I actually helped people. WHOA. Grading should be fun.
I hung out in the JFSB for most of the morning today except for when I broke one of the vending machines and ventured outside to find another vending machine that had muffins. I just realized how sad that is. I mean, the whole fact that I went in search of a vending machine that had muffins. Anyway, I was walking out of the Talmage building and heading towards the JKB because apparently math majors don't like muffins or vending machines that vend them when I walked past this dude named Craig Meister. I didn't recognize him. He recognized me. And that event alone was enough to make my day. People don't remember me. How did this guy remember me when the last time I saw him was over four years ago for a BYU summer program that lasted a little less than a week? He had just gotten back from his mission in Greece. It was really exciting to run into him. (Also: I saw a girl who I hung out with from that same program today as I was running late to a TA meeting who did not seem to show any sign of recognition as we made eye contact. Weird, right?)
Audrey totally freaks out about super cute kids too! That's exciting. We both "awww-ed" at this kid in some commercial just now and it made me really happy to realize that there are people who go just as crazy as I do when they see really cute kids.
OH MY GOODNESS MY ROOMMATES ARE AWESOME. (Not paying a water bill is also awesome. Just a random thought as I listen to my third load of dishes in the dishwasher tonight.) Carly (the one who called me a "sweetie") wants to add a music major. She wants to do jazz vocal stuff which is freaking awesome. I'm really excited because she has agreed to be my jazz concert buddy! Audrey and I are going to a percussion recital in a few weeks! And Sarah has an AC/DC song for her ringtone! Yay for roommates who appreciate music!
Okay. Dinner group went well tonight. WHAT?! I enjoyed it. I met new people and they were nice (again, WHAT?!). I don't know if I'll be able to do it almost every day every week though. We'll see. I like food. I got curry leftovers from yesterday's dinner. It's good.
It's 12:34 in Texas right now. Time for bed.
I NEED TO READ THE GOSPELS AND A BOOK ON JUDAISM. Fun stuff!
(Oh, I think it is worth noting that I am now a proud owner of a lighter. And I did not eat a single chicken sandwich today.)
9.9.09
Yeah.
My upper body is sore and burned. My left arm itches like crazy. But I'm still alive. Hope you're happy.
Monday while I was sobbing on the phone to my father, a friend called and took me to Seven Peaks for free and then to his family's house for hamburgers and hot dogs. It was a good distraction. Hopefully things like that will be more than distractions soon. Hopefully they'll actually be enjoyable.
Yesterday for my birthday I woke up around 7:30, walked to school, ate an english muffin for breakfast, read for my research class, did my office hour, tried to go to devotional but it was packed already, read for abnormal psych class, tried to go see Larita about my work hours and failed since it was her lunch break, read for abnormal psych class, ate a hot pocket (yes, a hot pocket) and sour gummy worms and drank an orange soda, thank you BYU vending, went to the Human Development lecture (it's strange sitting in a class and not actually having to pay attention), got on a bus and went home. At home I tried to do more reading for my research class but ended up taking a nap instead. Hey look guys! I'm still functioning!
I went bowling last night. With Lucinda, George, Adam, Scott, Audrey, Sarah, and Matt. It was good. My roommates and I are going on a road trip to Las Vegas sometime. We're also going country dancing (WHAT?!). Tomorrow I'm cooking for twelve people. I stole some free pizza for cinnamon tree residents yesterday.
Not sure what's going on. I'm not going to write him anymore. At least until he actually gets out or until I can manage to write something that doesn't say, ohgoshineedyousomuchrightnow. I still know his classes and where he's going and when some of his performances are. But I have to ignore that knowledge. Well most of it at least. I cannot see him at all until I have gotten this under control. I don't want to even run into him on campus anymore.
School seems slightly more doable than it did on Sunday. Slightly. I'll try not to fail all of my classes.
My dad is coming up to see me.
Monday while I was sobbing on the phone to my father, a friend called and took me to Seven Peaks for free and then to his family's house for hamburgers and hot dogs. It was a good distraction. Hopefully things like that will be more than distractions soon. Hopefully they'll actually be enjoyable.
Yesterday for my birthday I woke up around 7:30, walked to school, ate an english muffin for breakfast, read for my research class, did my office hour, tried to go to devotional but it was packed already, read for abnormal psych class, tried to go see Larita about my work hours and failed since it was her lunch break, read for abnormal psych class, ate a hot pocket (yes, a hot pocket) and sour gummy worms and drank an orange soda, thank you BYU vending, went to the Human Development lecture (it's strange sitting in a class and not actually having to pay attention), got on a bus and went home. At home I tried to do more reading for my research class but ended up taking a nap instead. Hey look guys! I'm still functioning!
I went bowling last night. With Lucinda, George, Adam, Scott, Audrey, Sarah, and Matt. It was good. My roommates and I are going on a road trip to Las Vegas sometime. We're also going country dancing (WHAT?!). Tomorrow I'm cooking for twelve people. I stole some free pizza for cinnamon tree residents yesterday.
Not sure what's going on. I'm not going to write him anymore. At least until he actually gets out or until I can manage to write something that doesn't say, ohgoshineedyousomuchrightnow. I still know his classes and where he's going and when some of his performances are. But I have to ignore that knowledge. Well most of it at least. I cannot see him at all until I have gotten this under control. I don't want to even run into him on campus anymore.
School seems slightly more doable than it did on Sunday. Slightly. I'll try not to fail all of my classes.
My dad is coming up to see me.
8.9.09
Quote.
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
-Sylvia Plath
-Sylvia Plath
5.9.09
Yesterday
Mom: If Carly didn't go to the gallery stroll, who are you there with?
Me: Brenden.
Mom: ...What? I thought- Hold on. I guess you'll explain it to me tomorrow.
Me: (I wish I could but I don't know what to do or what's happening. I'm afraid nothing is happening. There won't be anything to explain tomorrow.)
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Can we just skip it? Although people tend to rejoice at miracles and the fact that I'm still alive is a miracle. I don't know how my organs can take it. They're very nice. They seem to know the next day won't be as bad as the current. They seem to forget that it's a cycle and eventually the next day will be as bad as that one or even worse.
I've been averaging about one minor breakdown a year since eighth grade, where I question everything about my life, about where it's going, about what it's good for, where I completely give up on the Lord, where I wish that people could read my mind.
I locked myself in a bathroom stall yesterday for an hour and a half and cried. People would walk in and out and no one knew. Or maybe they could hear my quiet sobs but they didn't know what to do and so they pretended not to hear. I started crying in the Wilk while trying to eat a ridiculously expensive lunch. When the tears wouldn't stop I threw away the three quarters remaining of my food and left.
I missed my first class of Judaism yesterday.
I have a really hard time believing I'll ever graduate. I just don't think I'll get there. I really do not believe I am capable of completing all the coursework without causing severe harm to myself. It's so easy to hurt yourself. You think it matters to no one else. Somewhere in your guilt-ridden mind you do understand how much you can destroy others by destroying yourself. At least I understand. However, I believe that some other people really don't. Maybe that's why I'm scared to get close to people. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of commitment. Because I don't want to disappoint, to destroy anyone else.
Me: Brenden.
Mom: ...What? I thought- Hold on. I guess you'll explain it to me tomorrow.
Me: (I wish I could but I don't know what to do or what's happening. I'm afraid nothing is happening. There won't be anything to explain tomorrow.)
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Can we just skip it? Although people tend to rejoice at miracles and the fact that I'm still alive is a miracle. I don't know how my organs can take it. They're very nice. They seem to know the next day won't be as bad as the current. They seem to forget that it's a cycle and eventually the next day will be as bad as that one or even worse.
I've been averaging about one minor breakdown a year since eighth grade, where I question everything about my life, about where it's going, about what it's good for, where I completely give up on the Lord, where I wish that people could read my mind.
I locked myself in a bathroom stall yesterday for an hour and a half and cried. People would walk in and out and no one knew. Or maybe they could hear my quiet sobs but they didn't know what to do and so they pretended not to hear. I started crying in the Wilk while trying to eat a ridiculously expensive lunch. When the tears wouldn't stop I threw away the three quarters remaining of my food and left.
I missed my first class of Judaism yesterday.
I have a really hard time believing I'll ever graduate. I just don't think I'll get there. I really do not believe I am capable of completing all the coursework without causing severe harm to myself. It's so easy to hurt yourself. You think it matters to no one else. Somewhere in your guilt-ridden mind you do understand how much you can destroy others by destroying yourself. At least I understand. However, I believe that some other people really don't. Maybe that's why I'm scared to get close to people. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of commitment. Because I don't want to disappoint, to destroy anyone else.
3.9.09
I cannot handle this.
I have nowhere to cry anymore.
I have a constant headache. It's so hard to sleep. I don't want to eat. I cannot focus on anything.
Holy crap. I want some Xanax. Maybe I should get back on antidepressants. This is just like my first semester at BYU except it's worse. I can't do that again. I can't go through that again.
And I'm crying for things that I tell others to do without crying.
I have nowhere to cry anymore.
I have a constant headache. It's so hard to sleep. I don't want to eat. I cannot focus on anything.
Holy crap. I want some Xanax. Maybe I should get back on antidepressants. This is just like my first semester at BYU except it's worse. I can't do that again. I can't go through that again.
And I'm crying for things that I tell others to do without crying.
Somedays aren't yours at all.
Day 4 of school. Day 3 of work. Day 2 of remembering to apply antiperspirant since school started. Day 1 of remembering to bring my debit card to school. Day 1 of FORGETTING my cell phone. Eventually I'll get it all right.
I went to a TA training meeting again today. This one was for all TAs in the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences. I saw Heather, my TA from Nelson's class this past spring term, and I sat with Hannah, another new TA who is TAing for the same lecture I am. The meeting was about discrimination and harassment and avoiding it. I wonder if what I've been doing lately counts as harassment. It has to be unwelcome to be considered harassment. I don't think it's unwelcome... Haha, not to worry. I'm not actually harassing anyone. It's just kinda funny to think that under other circumstances what I've done lately could get me into big trouble.
So I realized that if I sit with my neck turned a certain way I get a little disoriented when I straighten it back out.
Yesterday around 2 PM I began feeling a little dizzy and the feeling stayed with me all through the evening until I finally went to bed which I actually struggled with a lot because I'm really good at staying awake when I'm tired and depressed. And even though I couldn't sleep I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to meet my roommate's friends in my living room. Eventually I did fall asleep and was then woken up by my phone ringing. It was 10:20 PM and for whatever reason I immediately thought it was Brenden calling me. (Perhaps it was because I had gone to bed depressed thinking of Brenden.) My disappointment was evident in my voice as I spoke to my father on the other line. I had been able to pass off that disappointment as grogginess/annoyance at having been woken up. I wish I had told him how I felt. Oh well.
Sleep has the effect of erasing those lines drawn between reality and dreams. Or rather how we discern them. And for those brief moments before dreams envelop you or reality fully consumes you, you truly believe anything is possible. And then you either dream of things that aren't real and it doesn't matter what seemed possible or you get up and face reality and redraw those lines even more bold and in Sharpie in the hopes that sleep won't erase them again and leave you feeling so disappointed when you wake up.
The only groceries I've purchased since I've gotten back is a bag of salad and box of cereal bars from the creamery. I've tried thinking of things I need to buy but I can't think of anything I want to eat or cook or anything so I haven't found the need to actually go grocery shopping yet. I guess I can't survive on donuts and salad forever. Especially when the Cougareat is closed. I am running out of detergent, though.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm already behind in my classes. Maybe it's the transition from spring and summer terms to another major semester, going from taking only 2 or 3 classes at one time to taking 6 and beginning a new job. Whatever it is, I don't like it and I want to just quit everything. But I can't quit everything because I have to do something and I can only think of one thing I want to do. (I don't even want to sleep. How bizarre is that?) All I want to do is sit around and write a lot about how much I don't want to do anything and think about how much I wish I could write better than I do.
Okay I guess that's not the only thing I want to do. I want to be with him, too.
Honestly,
Is that too much to ask?
I went to a TA training meeting again today. This one was for all TAs in the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences. I saw Heather, my TA from Nelson's class this past spring term, and I sat with Hannah, another new TA who is TAing for the same lecture I am. The meeting was about discrimination and harassment and avoiding it. I wonder if what I've been doing lately counts as harassment. It has to be unwelcome to be considered harassment. I don't think it's unwelcome... Haha, not to worry. I'm not actually harassing anyone. It's just kinda funny to think that under other circumstances what I've done lately could get me into big trouble.
So I realized that if I sit with my neck turned a certain way I get a little disoriented when I straighten it back out.
Yesterday around 2 PM I began feeling a little dizzy and the feeling stayed with me all through the evening until I finally went to bed which I actually struggled with a lot because I'm really good at staying awake when I'm tired and depressed. And even though I couldn't sleep I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to meet my roommate's friends in my living room. Eventually I did fall asleep and was then woken up by my phone ringing. It was 10:20 PM and for whatever reason I immediately thought it was Brenden calling me. (Perhaps it was because I had gone to bed depressed thinking of Brenden.) My disappointment was evident in my voice as I spoke to my father on the other line. I had been able to pass off that disappointment as grogginess/annoyance at having been woken up. I wish I had told him how I felt. Oh well.
Sleep has the effect of erasing those lines drawn between reality and dreams. Or rather how we discern them. And for those brief moments before dreams envelop you or reality fully consumes you, you truly believe anything is possible. And then you either dream of things that aren't real and it doesn't matter what seemed possible or you get up and face reality and redraw those lines even more bold and in Sharpie in the hopes that sleep won't erase them again and leave you feeling so disappointed when you wake up.
The only groceries I've purchased since I've gotten back is a bag of salad and box of cereal bars from the creamery. I've tried thinking of things I need to buy but I can't think of anything I want to eat or cook or anything so I haven't found the need to actually go grocery shopping yet. I guess I can't survive on donuts and salad forever. Especially when the Cougareat is closed. I am running out of detergent, though.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm already behind in my classes. Maybe it's the transition from spring and summer terms to another major semester, going from taking only 2 or 3 classes at one time to taking 6 and beginning a new job. Whatever it is, I don't like it and I want to just quit everything. But I can't quit everything because I have to do something and I can only think of one thing I want to do. (I don't even want to sleep. How bizarre is that?) All I want to do is sit around and write a lot about how much I don't want to do anything and think about how much I wish I could write better than I do.
Okay I guess that's not the only thing I want to do. I want to be with him, too.
Honestly,
Is that too much to ask?
2.9.09
Crash.
Okay. So Brenden made the Philharmonic Orchestra? I'm really happy for him! At the same time I'm incredibly bummed that I cannot celebrate with him. Like so bummed in fact that I'm about ready to cry. Holy crap. Congratulations, Brenden! I'm planning on going to his performances. I probably shouldn't feel this bad when I should be so happy for him. I am so happy for him. So why am I crying now?
I want to be there for him. I want to be there with him.
I thought I was fine. Why does this hurt so much?
I'm feeling so horrible right now. I knew a crash was coming. I always know a crash is coming whenever I feel good. It happens every time. I can't feel good or happy or excited about anything without worrying about how soon it will be until I feel crappy. I mean I guess that's life. Except that this happiness and crappiness is somewhere between normal and bipolar. Definitely not bipolar but definitely not normal either.
It started tonight in my Abnormal Psychology class. I began to feel unsure of everything I was doing. Nothing felt right anymore. I want to go home but I don't have one. I don't have a place I call home anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do at all. This is so bad.
This is so bad.
I want to be there for him. I want to be there with him.
I thought I was fine. Why does this hurt so much?
I'm feeling so horrible right now. I knew a crash was coming. I always know a crash is coming whenever I feel good. It happens every time. I can't feel good or happy or excited about anything without worrying about how soon it will be until I feel crappy. I mean I guess that's life. Except that this happiness and crappiness is somewhere between normal and bipolar. Definitely not bipolar but definitely not normal either.
It started tonight in my Abnormal Psychology class. I began to feel unsure of everything I was doing. Nothing felt right anymore. I want to go home but I don't have one. I don't have a place I call home anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do at all. This is so bad.
This is so bad.
1.9.09
Hey Look! It's September!
Today was day one of TA madness. I got to school around 8:30 and went to the office in the JSFB to turn in my TA form. The lady explained a million different things at once and handed me a little booklet and said thank you which I assumed meant we were done and it was time for me to leave. I took it and was incredibly grateful to realize that the booklet covered everything that she had quickly tried explaining to me. I still had to get another form filled out before I could officially start working. I went to the Student Employment office to fill that out and they told me I needed my Social Security card, Passport, or Birth Certificate before I could fill it out. Thankfully my mother gave me my Birth Certificate before I left for school this semester because I need to get a Passport sometime soon. I called Audrey, my roommate, who was still at the apartment and she got it for me and brought it when she came to campus. I got back in line at the Student Employment office. This line was way longer than when I had gone earlier in the morning. This line was so long that I was in it for an hour and the people working there set up a movie (Tale of Despereaux, to be exact) for the people in line to watch while they waited. I got it filled out though, just in time to grab lunch with Nielson and then head over to the SFL TA Office so I could do my first office hour of the semester. I met the Head TA, Jessi, whose inbox I've been flooding with questions ever since she sent out the first email to all TAs. She seems really nice and I'm excited to work with her. I met another TA who is also brand new, Hannah from Fort Worth. She and I will be TA-ing for the same lecture. I went to the first lecture today and got to stand in the front at the podium and talk into a microphone to 300 students about myself. I really hope I won't have to do too much of that but I guess it's good to have to step outside my comfort zone every now and then. Still, I'd like to avoid that as much as possible.
I have to get a TB test before I can volunteer at Utah State Hospital. I just arranged that for 9:50 AM on my BIRTHDAY. Why? Because that is the soonest I can have one done and the sooner I get one done, the sooner I can volunteer. I wanted to get one this Friday but I can't because the clinic won't be open on Monday so they wouldn't be able to check it. Booooooo. I want to get everything done as soon as I can so I can get my schedule all worked out. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I'm still in a frenzy trying to figure out my schedule and work out homework time, sleeping time, eating time, working time, etc. Oh, and social time, too. If it fits.
I walked to Chadder's with Sarah, one of my roommates, tonight for a burger and fries. It was good and I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She can get me into rock climbing for free anytime and she even said we could get our whole FHE group to go rock climbing sometime for FHE. She works at Color me mine and she could get us major discounts if we wanted to go there for FHE also. Also for one of Audrey's classes she needs to plan parties (kinda cool, right?) so I'm totally giving her free reign for FHE sometime this semester.
So my official work hours are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have an office hour at 12-1 on Tuesday and go to the Human Development lecture at 1:35- 2:50 that day. Then I have a TA meeting on Thursday at 11 and another office hour at 1-2. My Tuesday hours kinda suck because I don't think I'll have time to go to devotional at the Marriott Center and get back in time to work. I'll probably just watch it at the Varsity Theater again this semester.
I decided that I really miss the HFAC. I don't have any classes there this semester and though I didn't have any classes there this whole summer, I still went there a lot with Brenden. I miss sitting on the benches outside and waiting for Brenden to come pick me up after class. So I went there today. I was actually walking through the HFAC to get to the MOA and sit outside there but I stopped and walked out onto the area towards the JKB and ASB and read scriptures there until Audrey came with my stuff for my I-9 form. It was really nice. It was still in the morning around 9ish so it wasn't hot and there weren't a lot of people walking in and out at that entrance. I don't know if I'll make reading there a regular thing though because that increases the likelihood of running into Brenden and I almost feel like that's cheating somehow. .. Yeah, I don't know. I'm weird.
Audrey, Carly (another of my roommates) and I joined a dinner group. !!! I'm feeling very wary of this whole thing just because it's kinda a commitment and I don't really like commitments on top of other commitments. Plus I'll have to provide dinner for people. Which means I'll have to cook and other people will have to eat it. Eleven other people to be exact. AND it's Monday- Thursday. Am I psycho? I want to be more social. Is this a good way to do it? I really hope this doesn't end up being insanely stressful or crappy or anything. I at least know three people in it- Audrey, Carly, and Darrell (the dude that invited us to do it). Oh man, I hope this doesn't suck. Haha
I have to get a TB test before I can volunteer at Utah State Hospital. I just arranged that for 9:50 AM on my BIRTHDAY. Why? Because that is the soonest I can have one done and the sooner I get one done, the sooner I can volunteer. I wanted to get one this Friday but I can't because the clinic won't be open on Monday so they wouldn't be able to check it. Booooooo. I want to get everything done as soon as I can so I can get my schedule all worked out. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I'm still in a frenzy trying to figure out my schedule and work out homework time, sleeping time, eating time, working time, etc. Oh, and social time, too. If it fits.
I walked to Chadder's with Sarah, one of my roommates, tonight for a burger and fries. It was good and I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She can get me into rock climbing for free anytime and she even said we could get our whole FHE group to go rock climbing sometime for FHE. She works at Color me mine and she could get us major discounts if we wanted to go there for FHE also. Also for one of Audrey's classes she needs to plan parties (kinda cool, right?) so I'm totally giving her free reign for FHE sometime this semester.
So my official work hours are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have an office hour at 12-1 on Tuesday and go to the Human Development lecture at 1:35- 2:50 that day. Then I have a TA meeting on Thursday at 11 and another office hour at 1-2. My Tuesday hours kinda suck because I don't think I'll have time to go to devotional at the Marriott Center and get back in time to work. I'll probably just watch it at the Varsity Theater again this semester.
I decided that I really miss the HFAC. I don't have any classes there this semester and though I didn't have any classes there this whole summer, I still went there a lot with Brenden. I miss sitting on the benches outside and waiting for Brenden to come pick me up after class. So I went there today. I was actually walking through the HFAC to get to the MOA and sit outside there but I stopped and walked out onto the area towards the JKB and ASB and read scriptures there until Audrey came with my stuff for my I-9 form. It was really nice. It was still in the morning around 9ish so it wasn't hot and there weren't a lot of people walking in and out at that entrance. I don't know if I'll make reading there a regular thing though because that increases the likelihood of running into Brenden and I almost feel like that's cheating somehow. .. Yeah, I don't know. I'm weird.
Audrey, Carly (another of my roommates) and I joined a dinner group. !!! I'm feeling very wary of this whole thing just because it's kinda a commitment and I don't really like commitments on top of other commitments. Plus I'll have to provide dinner for people. Which means I'll have to cook and other people will have to eat it. Eleven other people to be exact. AND it's Monday- Thursday. Am I psycho? I want to be more social. Is this a good way to do it? I really hope this doesn't end up being insanely stressful or crappy or anything. I at least know three people in it- Audrey, Carly, and Darrell (the dude that invited us to do it). Oh man, I hope this doesn't suck. Haha
31.8.09
Whoa.
School has definitely started.
Right now I feel so crazy. I'm incredibly excited about this semester but trying to get organized the first week is a bit overwhelming. I'm still arranging my schedule my around. I dropped the Civilizaton: Literature class and I switched to a different Abnormal Psychology class. Instead of having class from 4-6:30 on Monday I'll have class from 5-7:30 on Wednesday which will make my Wednesday schedule a bit longer and my Monday schedule a bit better for my calling and not so rushed.
Today I went to five classes (I changed Psychology after going for the first class) and I knew people in the first four of those. It was fantastic! I met some other people too which was really nice. I had lunch with Missy and Rachel at the MOA cafe and I think we're going to start up MOA Mondays again with a little group of friends. There's nothing like overpriced salads and good conversation on Mondays! I miss people. My last fall semester at BYU was my freshman year. Weird how everything has changed so much since then. Also...I HATE how crowded it is on campus again! Major semesters bug the heck out of me. People EVERYWHERE.
(There's a tuba playing in one of Regina Spektor's songs on her latest album. That's exciting!)
I'm really quite nervous about my Abnormal Psychology and Critical Inquiry & Research Methods classes. Abnormal Psychology is going to really interesting but it just seems a bit more difficult than my other classes (based on the syllabus, at least). Critical Inquiry & Research Methods just sounds boring. And boring things are difficult for me. Well, except for shelving books. That was boring but I was really good at it. Although to some extent that was difficult, also. I just didn't want to to do it. I get to read the four Gospels within the next two weeks for my New Testament class which means an average of 12-13 pages a day. Which means I should probably get started.
On an information sheet that we're supposed to turn in for one of my classes, we were supposed to say something about ourselves that we thought our professor would like to know or was interesting about ourselves. I was very tempted to write, "I really like people but I'm ridiculously shy and sometimes come across as being snobby or stuck up. It's kinda more than lame." Instead I wrote, "I want to go into Marriage and Family Therapy."
OH MY GOODNESS. This whole business of being a TA is kinda crazy. I have so so much to do for that. I'm still not officially working until I get this form turned in. I had to do some online TA training to fill it out. I need to get my professor to sign it. I need to get the Head TA to finalize the schedule and okay my hours and lecture attendance. I hope it all works out... This week is CRAZY. I have TA training on Wednesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my bishop on Wednesday evening. I have volunteer orientation at Utah State Hospital on Saturday morning (still need to find a ride to that). I desperately need to go to the grocery store sometime. Everything seems so crazy right now because I haven't organized everything in my planner and my work hours aren't finalized. I think as soon as that gets done I'll find myself feeling a lot better about everything. Right now all these things are floating around in my head and I'm just struggling to remember everything. AHH!
Homework time.
Right now I feel so crazy. I'm incredibly excited about this semester but trying to get organized the first week is a bit overwhelming. I'm still arranging my schedule my around. I dropped the Civilizaton: Literature class and I switched to a different Abnormal Psychology class. Instead of having class from 4-6:30 on Monday I'll have class from 5-7:30 on Wednesday which will make my Wednesday schedule a bit longer and my Monday schedule a bit better for my calling and not so rushed.
Today I went to five classes (I changed Psychology after going for the first class) and I knew people in the first four of those. It was fantastic! I met some other people too which was really nice. I had lunch with Missy and Rachel at the MOA cafe and I think we're going to start up MOA Mondays again with a little group of friends. There's nothing like overpriced salads and good conversation on Mondays! I miss people. My last fall semester at BYU was my freshman year. Weird how everything has changed so much since then. Also...I HATE how crowded it is on campus again! Major semesters bug the heck out of me. People EVERYWHERE.
(There's a tuba playing in one of Regina Spektor's songs on her latest album. That's exciting!)
I'm really quite nervous about my Abnormal Psychology and Critical Inquiry & Research Methods classes. Abnormal Psychology is going to really interesting but it just seems a bit more difficult than my other classes (based on the syllabus, at least). Critical Inquiry & Research Methods just sounds boring. And boring things are difficult for me. Well, except for shelving books. That was boring but I was really good at it. Although to some extent that was difficult, also. I just didn't want to to do it. I get to read the four Gospels within the next two weeks for my New Testament class which means an average of 12-13 pages a day. Which means I should probably get started.
On an information sheet that we're supposed to turn in for one of my classes, we were supposed to say something about ourselves that we thought our professor would like to know or was interesting about ourselves. I was very tempted to write, "I really like people but I'm ridiculously shy and sometimes come across as being snobby or stuck up. It's kinda more than lame." Instead I wrote, "I want to go into Marriage and Family Therapy."
OH MY GOODNESS. This whole business of being a TA is kinda crazy. I have so so much to do for that. I'm still not officially working until I get this form turned in. I had to do some online TA training to fill it out. I need to get my professor to sign it. I need to get the Head TA to finalize the schedule and okay my hours and lecture attendance. I hope it all works out... This week is CRAZY. I have TA training on Wednesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my bishop on Wednesday evening. I have volunteer orientation at Utah State Hospital on Saturday morning (still need to find a ride to that). I desperately need to go to the grocery store sometime. Everything seems so crazy right now because I haven't organized everything in my planner and my work hours aren't finalized. I think as soon as that gets done I'll find myself feeling a lot better about everything. Right now all these things are floating around in my head and I'm just struggling to remember everything. AHH!
Homework time.
30.8.09
28.8.09
Awake.
I think it's because it's late. Not why I'm awake but why I'm feeling like I do.
I'm scared and lonely.
I didn't write a letter today. I was too busy.
It's 2 AM.
Today was a good day. I visited two of my teachers from elementary school. I got seasons 3 and 4 of House, Au Revoir Simone's and Regina Spektor's latest albums. I saw old friends and got to hold a baby. I played a lot of Nertz and Speed.
I get depressed late at night. I leave tomorrow. I kinda just want someone to give me a hug. I don't miss him right now. Although I feel somewhat empty. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep. I didn't feel empty today when I saw Mrs. Sunseri at her nursing home and talked and smiled and cried with her. I didn't feel empty when she hugged me. I have no idea why I want to study gerontology. But I felt reassured that it was right as I left Village on the Park. I didn't feel empty then.
It got me thinking. I love Brenden. I expended a lot of time and energy in showing that love to him. I love people. Maybe now I'm supposed to use my time and energy in showing that love towards others. Do I even have enough time to help like I want to? Am I even going to do it?
I want to be there for people. No one should be alone. No one should ever be alone.
I'm scared and lonely.
I didn't write a letter today. I was too busy.
It's 2 AM.
Today was a good day. I visited two of my teachers from elementary school. I got seasons 3 and 4 of House, Au Revoir Simone's and Regina Spektor's latest albums. I saw old friends and got to hold a baby. I played a lot of Nertz and Speed.
I get depressed late at night. I leave tomorrow. I kinda just want someone to give me a hug. I don't miss him right now. Although I feel somewhat empty. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep. I didn't feel empty today when I saw Mrs. Sunseri at her nursing home and talked and smiled and cried with her. I didn't feel empty when she hugged me. I have no idea why I want to study gerontology. But I felt reassured that it was right as I left Village on the Park. I didn't feel empty then.
It got me thinking. I love Brenden. I expended a lot of time and energy in showing that love to him. I love people. Maybe now I'm supposed to use my time and energy in showing that love towards others. Do I even have enough time to help like I want to? Am I even going to do it?
I want to be there for people. No one should be alone. No one should ever be alone.
25.8.09
Sometimes I write
It's midnight and my family is sleeping.
I want to drive.
Best part of being back home is being able to drive. I haven't done enough of it. All I want to do is drive. Alone. Around Galveston. I want to drive around my past. Encircle it and wrap myself around it. I want to grab hold of it and remember, remember, remember. Perhaps not relive it but live with it. Find that part of me that knew who I was then and see if it at all corresponds with who I am now. Am I still that same person? Do people change?
I really doubt I make sense most of the time.
Words are useless! Either I seriously don't know enough of them or they simply fail in expressing anything I wish to express.
I don't even know what to express.
My heart pounding. Perhaps it's caffeine induced. Excedrin induced. Migraine induced. Induced isn't the word I want to use. Pounding isn't either.
I want to live in the alleys of Galveston. Not homeless. I wish I could wander. But I'm trapped here in this home, confined by these walls and a mother who defines our routes and time and mileage. I love Galveston so much. I love its history, its buildings, its people. I love its beach, its birds, its storms. I wish I could stay here forever. I wish I could explore Galveston's alleys, its secret places. Galveston is real. It's more real than any other place has been or will be in my life. Does that make sense?
I want to count and listen to the cars that drive by on Ferry Road. I want to make up stories of where their drivers are going, imagine their lives, think of people who aren't me. People who are living their lives.
I think I'm done.
I want to drive.
Best part of being back home is being able to drive. I haven't done enough of it. All I want to do is drive. Alone. Around Galveston. I want to drive around my past. Encircle it and wrap myself around it. I want to grab hold of it and remember, remember, remember. Perhaps not relive it but live with it. Find that part of me that knew who I was then and see if it at all corresponds with who I am now. Am I still that same person? Do people change?
I really doubt I make sense most of the time.
Words are useless! Either I seriously don't know enough of them or they simply fail in expressing anything I wish to express.
I don't even know what to express.
My heart pounding. Perhaps it's caffeine induced. Excedrin induced. Migraine induced. Induced isn't the word I want to use. Pounding isn't either.
I want to live in the alleys of Galveston. Not homeless. I wish I could wander. But I'm trapped here in this home, confined by these walls and a mother who defines our routes and time and mileage. I love Galveston so much. I love its history, its buildings, its people. I love its beach, its birds, its storms. I wish I could stay here forever. I wish I could explore Galveston's alleys, its secret places. Galveston is real. It's more real than any other place has been or will be in my life. Does that make sense?
I want to count and listen to the cars that drive by on Ferry Road. I want to make up stories of where their drivers are going, imagine their lives, think of people who aren't me. People who are living their lives.
I think I'm done.
22.8.09
This Right Now
It hasn't been like this in a long time. Mornings are the hardest now. It's getting harder to fight that desire to just spend the entire day in bed. Waking up in the morning used to be the easier part of my day. How am I supposed to start a new semester when I'm already dreading getting out of bed? At least while I'm at home I have to do things with my family. When I get back to school who's going to force me to get up?
Plus, I'm changing my schedule around and there really aren't any classes I'm that interested in taking. It's probably just the whole being bummed about life thing I'm going through right now. Hopefully things will start to look up when I get back to Utah. This is me doing that thing again. Hoping that the next thing will be better, just trying to get through this right now.
These are the classes I'm taking this fall. I'm going to drop either Civ Lit or Abnormal Psych. I don't want to take 17 hrs while TA-ing for Human Development. On one hand I think keeping insanely busy could be good for me but on the other hand I know I won't be able to handle it.
SFL260- Family Finance MWF 9-9:50
SFL290- Crit. Inquiry and Research Meth. MWF 10-10:50
RELA211- New Testament MW 12-12:50
RELC393R- LDS in Wartime MW 3-3:50
PSYCH342- Abnormal Psychology M 4-6:30
CMLIT201- Civilization: Literature 1 TTH 4-5:15
RELC355- Judaism & the Gospel F 2-2:50
I don't really have any classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is really annoying. I wish my schedule was more spread out but I guess that means those days can be for my TA office hours. Hopefully that works out okay.
Plus, I'm changing my schedule around and there really aren't any classes I'm that interested in taking. It's probably just the whole being bummed about life thing I'm going through right now. Hopefully things will start to look up when I get back to Utah. This is me doing that thing again. Hoping that the next thing will be better, just trying to get through this right now.
These are the classes I'm taking this fall. I'm going to drop either Civ Lit or Abnormal Psych. I don't want to take 17 hrs while TA-ing for Human Development. On one hand I think keeping insanely busy could be good for me but on the other hand I know I won't be able to handle it.
SFL260- Family Finance MWF 9-9:50
SFL290- Crit. Inquiry and Research Meth. MWF 10-10:50
RELA211- New Testament MW 12-12:50
RELC393R- LDS in Wartime MW 3-3:50
PSYCH342- Abnormal Psychology M 4-6:30
CMLIT201- Civilization: Literature 1 TTH 4-5:15
RELC355- Judaism & the Gospel F 2-2:50
I don't really have any classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is really annoying. I wish my schedule was more spread out but I guess that means those days can be for my TA office hours. Hopefully that works out okay.
13.8.09
School
I haven't officially added a Psychology minor yet but I'm pretty sure I'm going to.
I'm thinking I want to add a Gerontology minor too...
I'm thinking I want to add a Gerontology minor too...
(4)
Today is a slightly better day than yesterday.
I cannot count the number of times I just stopped what I was doing yesterday and started crying. I was so stressed out, it was ridiculous. I climbed into bed around 11 o'clock and started crying again. I wasn't finished cleaning, I wasn't nearly done studying, I hadn't started packing, and I missed Brenden so much. I couldn't sleep and I knew I was going to wake up at 6 AM so I could continue studying so the fact that I couldn't sleep only stressed me out more and made it even more difficult for me to sleep. And once I finally fell asleep, it was one of those restless kinds of sleep where I was still thinking of the things I needed to do but was halfway asleep. And then my alarm went off at 6 and I was exhausted and reset it for 6:30 but the whole 30 minutes between 6 and 6:30 I kept thinking about all the studying and things I needed to be doing so I didn't get any extra rest then either.
I woke up and started studying. I decided I was hungry so I left my apartment and walked to school where I got a donut and continued doing practice problems except that I left my calculator at home so I was trying to do all the computations on my cell phone and then I got to a problem that needed me to do a square root. I skipped it, read through the rest of the problems, and walked to the testing center. I thought surely I was going to fail this thing. I didn't do ANY of the reading for the last eight lectures (actually only 4 lecture periods but during the summer, you have two lectures in one period). Even though the final was comprehensive, we were told that 60% of it was new material (you know, the stuff I didn't read). I wanted more time to study but my professor said to plan about four hours for the exam and if I spent any more time studying then I might not be back at my apartment in time to finish cleaning for my cleaning check. So I walked into the testing center around 8:30 and took the stupid exam. I finished around 10 (2.5 hours earlier than I had anticipated) and was amazed to see on the screen that I made a 91%. I actually walked out the door and then back in to check it again and make sure I read the right ID number. I did. It was quite exciting.
I'm home now. I finished cleaning about an hour ago. My cleaning check isn't for at least another hour. I don't know what to do. I think I might try reading something that isn't about statistics now. Or maybe I'll try a nap. I'm pretty tired.
Gah, I wish I had friends here right now. You have no idea how lonely I am.
I cannot count the number of times I just stopped what I was doing yesterday and started crying. I was so stressed out, it was ridiculous. I climbed into bed around 11 o'clock and started crying again. I wasn't finished cleaning, I wasn't nearly done studying, I hadn't started packing, and I missed Brenden so much. I couldn't sleep and I knew I was going to wake up at 6 AM so I could continue studying so the fact that I couldn't sleep only stressed me out more and made it even more difficult for me to sleep. And once I finally fell asleep, it was one of those restless kinds of sleep where I was still thinking of the things I needed to do but was halfway asleep. And then my alarm went off at 6 and I was exhausted and reset it for 6:30 but the whole 30 minutes between 6 and 6:30 I kept thinking about all the studying and things I needed to be doing so I didn't get any extra rest then either.
I woke up and started studying. I decided I was hungry so I left my apartment and walked to school where I got a donut and continued doing practice problems except that I left my calculator at home so I was trying to do all the computations on my cell phone and then I got to a problem that needed me to do a square root. I skipped it, read through the rest of the problems, and walked to the testing center. I thought surely I was going to fail this thing. I didn't do ANY of the reading for the last eight lectures (actually only 4 lecture periods but during the summer, you have two lectures in one period). Even though the final was comprehensive, we were told that 60% of it was new material (you know, the stuff I didn't read). I wanted more time to study but my professor said to plan about four hours for the exam and if I spent any more time studying then I might not be back at my apartment in time to finish cleaning for my cleaning check. So I walked into the testing center around 8:30 and took the stupid exam. I finished around 10 (2.5 hours earlier than I had anticipated) and was amazed to see on the screen that I made a 91%. I actually walked out the door and then back in to check it again and make sure I read the right ID number. I did. It was quite exciting.
I'm home now. I finished cleaning about an hour ago. My cleaning check isn't for at least another hour. I don't know what to do. I think I might try reading something that isn't about statistics now. Or maybe I'll try a nap. I'm pretty tired.
Gah, I wish I had friends here right now. You have no idea how lonely I am.
12.8.09
(3)
It's probably unhealthy for me to actually count the days since Brenden and I broke up. But that's how I'm measuring things now. I think back to Saturday afternoon when we were making eggrolls and playing card games. Was that really just four days ago? I want to push it back farther. I want it farther away. It doesn't make sense that day was just the day before Sunday which was the day before Monday which was the day before Tuesday which was yesterday. How is it that Saturday is so close to today and that I'm feeling so horrible today when I was laughing at him singing those Disney songs with Cameron and getting annoyed that he wasn't helping me make the eggrolls on Saturday? I'm hoping that sometime I'll reach that magic number of days away that makes everything better, that number that says, "hey you made it. now feel better." But what is that number? How many days do I have to suffer through this?
Last night I had dinner with Natalie Hansen, a returned missionary who served in Galveston. I told her that my boyfriend and I just broke up on Sunday and she offered to hook me up with some of her returned missionary friends. I really didn't know what to say. My immediate reaction was thinking this thing between Brenden and me is temporary, that I'm just waiting for him to get out on his mission so I can see him off and then I can wait some more until he comes home. My second reaction was yes please find me someone.
The way I've dealt with break ups in the past was simply by finding another boyfriend. I would ignore the pain of letting go of that person by finding someone else to replace that person. I thought more about it and realized I can't do that this time around. I want to be with Brenden; I don't want to replace him at all. Which means I'm actually going to have to deal with this pain. Which means I will need to do things for myself. I haven't actually been without a boyfriend for more than a couple months since the beginning of tenth grade (and unofficially since ninth grade). Everything I would do was for someone else. I'm so used to finding my worth in being someone's girlfriend, in caring about that person and being cared for in return, that I don't understand my true individual worth. In my case, finding another boyfriend would be easy. I'm not trying to sound like "oh I'm so wonderful I can easily find a boyfriend." What I'm saying is that trying to find someone to fill that void would be the easy thing to do. It's not the right thing to do. It would be completely selfish. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I'm just so scared about how difficult this is going to be. I know I can do it. I just really, really don't want to.
I cannot comprehend being just me.
Last night I had dinner with Natalie Hansen, a returned missionary who served in Galveston. I told her that my boyfriend and I just broke up on Sunday and she offered to hook me up with some of her returned missionary friends. I really didn't know what to say. My immediate reaction was thinking this thing between Brenden and me is temporary, that I'm just waiting for him to get out on his mission so I can see him off and then I can wait some more until he comes home. My second reaction was yes please find me someone.
The way I've dealt with break ups in the past was simply by finding another boyfriend. I would ignore the pain of letting go of that person by finding someone else to replace that person. I thought more about it and realized I can't do that this time around. I want to be with Brenden; I don't want to replace him at all. Which means I'm actually going to have to deal with this pain. Which means I will need to do things for myself. I haven't actually been without a boyfriend for more than a couple months since the beginning of tenth grade (and unofficially since ninth grade). Everything I would do was for someone else. I'm so used to finding my worth in being someone's girlfriend, in caring about that person and being cared for in return, that I don't understand my true individual worth. In my case, finding another boyfriend would be easy. I'm not trying to sound like "oh I'm so wonderful I can easily find a boyfriend." What I'm saying is that trying to find someone to fill that void would be the easy thing to do. It's not the right thing to do. It would be completely selfish. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I'm just so scared about how difficult this is going to be. I know I can do it. I just really, really don't want to.
I cannot comprehend being just me.
11.8.09
Day 2
Today has not been as good a day as yesterday.
It's probably a mix of what happened between me and Brenden plus the fact that I didn't go to Statistics class all last week and never made up the reading and the final exam is 60% of that new material that I have yet to even glance at. Also, I forgot my wallet at home this morning so I went to school and couldn't eat breakfast or lunch. Now I'm waiting for another Natalie to pick me up so we can go have dinner. Hopefully that'll cheer me up.
It settles in after awhile that realization that all those sad break up songs can now be applied directly to your life. You would listen to them all the time and you would sing along but now, it's real. You're feeling the pain. And you're thinking, "I wish this was just a song."
You're thinking, "I wish this wasn't real."
I miss you more than you could possibly comprehend.
I want to go back to this, right now.
It's probably a mix of what happened between me and Brenden plus the fact that I didn't go to Statistics class all last week and never made up the reading and the final exam is 60% of that new material that I have yet to even glance at. Also, I forgot my wallet at home this morning so I went to school and couldn't eat breakfast or lunch. Now I'm waiting for another Natalie to pick me up so we can go have dinner. Hopefully that'll cheer me up.
It settles in after awhile that realization that all those sad break up songs can now be applied directly to your life. You would listen to them all the time and you would sing along but now, it's real. You're feeling the pain. And you're thinking, "I wish this was just a song."
You're thinking, "I wish this wasn't real."
I miss you more than you could possibly comprehend.
I want to go back to this, right now.
10.8.09
Hmm
I should really eat something.
I haven't eaten since yesterday and even then all I ate was half a package of ramen noodles and half a can of black olives.
I have the best diet ever.
I haven't eaten since yesterday and even then all I ate was half a package of ramen noodles and half a can of black olives.
I have the best diet ever.
Pseudo-Poetry
Words flooded to mind
Prepared excuses and apologies I thought I wouldn't be using.
(Why did I prepare them then?)
Everything has a reason.
I'm accepting I cannot control this.
I won't talk to you for maybe 28 months or so.
Maybe sooner if I'm lucky.
Maybe longer if I'm not.
Who knows what will happen during that time?
(Heavenly Father)
I'll do my part
And leave the rest to the people in charge.
----------
Stronger than my desire to belt out words
Is my desire to move my body
Leaping across the pavement
Gliding along the grass
Arms flying
Hair, a muted echo of where I've been,
Sometimes covering a face beaming
With hope.
----------
I guess this is peace. This whole not necessarily understanding everything but knowing it will be okay.
I think too much about him still. I mean, of course, it's been, what, a day?
We spoke last night on the phone for awhile as he tried to explain things to me. I gave some suggestions and he said they weren't possible. This is rough. And while I still don't completely understand it, I can accept it. And I will accept it.
It's so crazy how much I've been reminded just today that people care about me and that I'm not alone up here. A friend from spring term randomly contacted me on facebook to see how I was doing, I ran into a friend from back home on my way to class, and then on my way home I saw a wonderful family friend who is teaching at BYU this fall and he invited me for dinner with his family on Sundays. A sister missionary who served in Galveston called me up to schedule dinner sometime this week (this was partly my sister's doing!). Guess what! I'm loved! Even here in Utah! Haha
I still haven't eaten though. I just have no appetite. Not too sure about what to do about that.
Prepared excuses and apologies I thought I wouldn't be using.
(Why did I prepare them then?)
Everything has a reason.
I'm accepting I cannot control this.
I won't talk to you for maybe 28 months or so.
Maybe sooner if I'm lucky.
Maybe longer if I'm not.
Who knows what will happen during that time?
(Heavenly Father)
I'll do my part
And leave the rest to the people in charge.
----------
Stronger than my desire to belt out words
Is my desire to move my body
Leaping across the pavement
Gliding along the grass
Arms flying
Hair, a muted echo of where I've been,
Sometimes covering a face beaming
With hope.
----------
I guess this is peace. This whole not necessarily understanding everything but knowing it will be okay.
I think too much about him still. I mean, of course, it's been, what, a day?
We spoke last night on the phone for awhile as he tried to explain things to me. I gave some suggestions and he said they weren't possible. This is rough. And while I still don't completely understand it, I can accept it. And I will accept it.
It's so crazy how much I've been reminded just today that people care about me and that I'm not alone up here. A friend from spring term randomly contacted me on facebook to see how I was doing, I ran into a friend from back home on my way to class, and then on my way home I saw a wonderful family friend who is teaching at BYU this fall and he invited me for dinner with his family on Sundays. A sister missionary who served in Galveston called me up to schedule dinner sometime this week (this was partly my sister's doing!). Guess what! I'm loved! Even here in Utah! Haha
I still haven't eaten though. I just have no appetite. Not too sure about what to do about that.
9.8.09
It's Happened...
I've become one of those people.
You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind of person who becomes so hysteric that she practically shouts over the person trying to comfort her. That was me. Just earlier. Crying and yelling over the phone while my lungs struggled for air in short, loud, shallow breaths. That was me. Cutting off my parents with shouts of "There's nothing I can do!" and "I don't understand what he meant!" as they tried consoling me.
I deleted the message. The harsh bluntness with which you wrote couldn't possibly have been what you wanted to convey. I deleted it almost immediately. Read it once, twice, three times total and deleted it. It would've been hard to remember what you said last night if I kept that message with me. It's the ending note that lingers at the end of a performance. That's the one stuck in people's heads as they exit the hall. I want to try erasing it just enough so I understand there's nothing I can do to change it while at the same time remembering your hope, your kindness.
This is it, I guess.
It's really over.
You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind of person who becomes so hysteric that she practically shouts over the person trying to comfort her. That was me. Just earlier. Crying and yelling over the phone while my lungs struggled for air in short, loud, shallow breaths. That was me. Cutting off my parents with shouts of "There's nothing I can do!" and "I don't understand what he meant!" as they tried consoling me.
I deleted the message. The harsh bluntness with which you wrote couldn't possibly have been what you wanted to convey. I deleted it almost immediately. Read it once, twice, three times total and deleted it. It would've been hard to remember what you said last night if I kept that message with me. It's the ending note that lingers at the end of a performance. That's the one stuck in people's heads as they exit the hall. I want to try erasing it just enough so I understand there's nothing I can do to change it while at the same time remembering your hope, your kindness.
This is it, I guess.
It's really over.
Quote
"Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may exist but you have ceased to live."
-Henry David Thoreau
This was the quote I put in my senior yearbook under my picture. I really don't know what I was talking about. Did I even have dreams or aspirations then? If I did, I've totally forgotten them now.
I didn't go grocery shopping. I won't have food to eat this week.
I missed my three lecture periods for statistics last week which means I've missed a total of six lessons of new material. Monday is my last statistics class period and exams are Wednesday and Thursday.
I missed one of my D&C classes last week as well. At least I'm still caught up in the reading for that class.
I canceled a therapy appointment scheduled for last Wednesday. That was when I had decided I was beyond help.
I cleaned my room a bit today to get ready for my new roommate. I feel bad that her side of the room has the broken bookshelf. I feel like I ought to switch.
I have church tomorrow. And Brenden is going to call me in the afternoon to tell me what's going on. EDIT (08/09/09): Brenden is going to TEXT me in the afternoon to tell me he's not going to talk to me again.
Sometimes I get angry.
-Henry David Thoreau
This was the quote I put in my senior yearbook under my picture. I really don't know what I was talking about. Did I even have dreams or aspirations then? If I did, I've totally forgotten them now.
I didn't go grocery shopping. I won't have food to eat this week.
I missed my three lecture periods for statistics last week which means I've missed a total of six lessons of new material. Monday is my last statistics class period and exams are Wednesday and Thursday.
I missed one of my D&C classes last week as well. At least I'm still caught up in the reading for that class.
I canceled a therapy appointment scheduled for last Wednesday. That was when I had decided I was beyond help.
I cleaned my room a bit today to get ready for my new roommate. I feel bad that her side of the room has the broken bookshelf. I feel like I ought to switch.
I have church tomorrow. And Brenden is going to call me in the afternoon to tell me what's going on. EDIT (08/09/09): Brenden is going to TEXT me in the afternoon to tell me he's not going to talk to me again.
Sometimes I get angry.
8.8.09
Sweet Disposition
I have this song I've been listening to recently that feels nostalgic even though it's a recent discovery. I've created memories to play through my mind as I listen to it, memories of things that haven't actually happened. It's weird because the memories are just as real as the music. The music starts playing and I remember the wind blowing through my hair as I sit in the passenger seat with the window rolled down during a road trip I've never taken. I recall running around downtown Houston and just staring up at skyscrapers and feeling like my life had all the potential in the world, feeling like anything at all was possible, though that's never occurred.
The song isn't particularly remarkable. I don't know what it is about it that made me play it on repeat while I fell asleep the night I downloaded it from iTunes or what kept me playing it on repeat the whole next day and why I have it playing on repeat right now. It's made me happy enough to jump out of bed and start dancing. It's made me hopeful enough to think everything is going to be just fine. But it's losing its magic. I told Brenden about the song and how much I love it and then I played it for him and felt embarrassed by just how unremarkable it is and how meaningless it was for him. How can such a song that has no real memories attached to it mean so much to me? I'm really trying to figure it out.
As I continue to listen to it while feeling the way I've been feeling lately has made the song become more sad than happy. I'm associating it with sadness, loneliness, confusion. I'm listening to it when I'm by myself trying not to cry, creating memories that hardly resemble road trips and feelings of opportunity.
But I refuse to stop listening to it. This song that has made its way into my music library a whole three days ago has helped me in a strange way. Even though it's new to me, it makes me think of high school and the feelings I had then when I had college to look forward to, when there was potential and hope for my life to get better. Are these really supposed to be the best years of my life? Am I going to discover later, just as I did with my time in high school which I hated, that I should've been more appreciative, that I should've paid more attention to the small things that are quickly fading and to the big things that I'm disregarding?
The song isn't particularly remarkable. I don't know what it is about it that made me play it on repeat while I fell asleep the night I downloaded it from iTunes or what kept me playing it on repeat the whole next day and why I have it playing on repeat right now. It's made me happy enough to jump out of bed and start dancing. It's made me hopeful enough to think everything is going to be just fine. But it's losing its magic. I told Brenden about the song and how much I love it and then I played it for him and felt embarrassed by just how unremarkable it is and how meaningless it was for him. How can such a song that has no real memories attached to it mean so much to me? I'm really trying to figure it out.
As I continue to listen to it while feeling the way I've been feeling lately has made the song become more sad than happy. I'm associating it with sadness, loneliness, confusion. I'm listening to it when I'm by myself trying not to cry, creating memories that hardly resemble road trips and feelings of opportunity.
But I refuse to stop listening to it. This song that has made its way into my music library a whole three days ago has helped me in a strange way. Even though it's new to me, it makes me think of high school and the feelings I had then when I had college to look forward to, when there was potential and hope for my life to get better. Are these really supposed to be the best years of my life? Am I going to discover later, just as I did with my time in high school which I hated, that I should've been more appreciative, that I should've paid more attention to the small things that are quickly fading and to the big things that I'm disregarding?
7.8.09
Emptying.
I am so used to trying to be the strong one.
I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.
Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.
It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.
Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.
Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.
I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.
It is what it is.
I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.
Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.
It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.
Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.
Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.
I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.
It is what it is.
6.8.09
hi.
it's strange, the little things that act as reminders,
the things that no one else would notice
that can bring tears to your eyes,
a smile to your lips,
and everyone around wondering
"what's wrong with her?"
a dragonfly,
spinning leaves as they fall
"helicopters,"
people driving with only one headlight on,
milk, cereal, watermelon,
tillamook cheese,
crayons,
the list goes on.
you tell me this will work out
it will be okay
that i'll get through this.
really?
what other choice do i have?
you keep reminding me that we'll be happier
that things will be better.
is that supposed to make this any easier?
is what's going to happen in the future make
what's happening now any less painful?
you almost make it sound as though
i might have a say,
that something i suggest
could possibly make a difference.
it's all up to you.
i have no choices.
the things that no one else would notice
that can bring tears to your eyes,
a smile to your lips,
and everyone around wondering
"what's wrong with her?"
a dragonfly,
spinning leaves as they fall
"helicopters,"
people driving with only one headlight on,
milk, cereal, watermelon,
tillamook cheese,
crayons,
the list goes on.
you tell me this will work out
it will be okay
that i'll get through this.
really?
what other choice do i have?
you keep reminding me that we'll be happier
that things will be better.
is that supposed to make this any easier?
is what's going to happen in the future make
what's happening now any less painful?
you almost make it sound as though
i might have a say,
that something i suggest
could possibly make a difference.
it's all up to you.
i have no choices.
4.8.09
3.8.09
end.
destroy destroy destroy.
everything comes in threes.
ready to catapult into oblivion.
firing mindless words from my bow.
flaming shelters offer no haven.
nothing is free anymore.
this is how it will end.
falling into a vast nothing
with arms flailing, reaching,
trying to grasp anything and
failing.
everything comes in threes.
ready to catapult into oblivion.
firing mindless words from my bow.
flaming shelters offer no haven.
nothing is free anymore.
this is how it will end.
falling into a vast nothing
with arms flailing, reaching,
trying to grasp anything and
failing.
28.7.09
Family
Yesterday we celebrated Brenden's grandfather's 80th birthday. It was wonderful.
It's difficult for me to express just how grateful I am for and how much I love all of Brenden's family. They've accepted me with arms wide open. I've only felt this kind of connection with one other family besides my own and it's because I've grown up with them in my life. How could I feel so comfortable and welcome with these new faces? Brenden's grandparents have especially been wonderful to me here in Utah. It's been nice to be able to get away from school once in awhile and visit with family.
As Brenden and I made a birthday card for his grandfather on Sunday evening, Brenden asked me to do the writing since my handwriting easily beats his on any/every level of neatness. It had been so long since I wrote "Grandpa" in a card. And the simple act of doing it struck me with such a sense of belonging and family that I cannot even begin to express my deep love and sense of appreciation for Grandma and Grandpa Binns.
After Grandpa Binns opened his cards and gifts, he started telling us stories of his life, little things he remembered and things that his mother recorded about him when he was a baby. His stories made me so happy and being with the family as he shared them made the experience even more meaningful. I saw Brenden's youngest cousin sitting next to his grandpa and hoped he would remember that night.
I didn't have that kind of experience growing up. Since three of my grandparents passed away before I was four, I didn't hear many first-hand accounts of their lives. My grandfather who passed away when I was sixteen was a quiet, prideful man. He was a good man but still very prideful and stubborn. I think his pride restrained him from sharing many stories from his life in the Philippines where he was too poor to continue in school to become the doctor he always wanted to be or even stories from his life once he moved to the United States where he was too poor to support his family without government aid. I will always regret having not asked him more about his life. My grandfather was a wonderful man. He found his greatest joy in his family. And I'm finally beginning to understand why.
I love my family so much. And I loved being with Brenden's family last night and addressing them the same way I would as my very own family. When I was trying to get Grandpa Binns's attention, I said "Grandpa" and he responded easily. My own dear grandfathers will never be replaced but being able to say "Grandpa" and having someone respond knowing it was me who said it, allowing me to call him "Grandpa" as one of his own grandchildren... what an exquisite feeling! That saying, you don't know what you have until it's gone, is so true. Sometimes I want to just grab people by the shoulders and say "APPRECIATE THIS!" especially when it concerns family.
These days, these moments are never coming back. Soon enough we will all be old and wrinkled and telling our own tales to our children and grandchildren. I won't forget Uncle Matthew's face as he laughed at one of Grandpa Binns's stories. I knew that Uncle Matthew was Grandpa Binns's son but when I saw him looking at Grandpa Binns with so much love in his eyes and heard his laugh at his story, I really understood with an even deeper understanding that Uncle Matthew was indeed Grandpa Binns's son. They were not simply two adults sitting near me conversing. They were father and son talking, laughing, loving. It was beautiful.
Sometimes someone may complain about being known as "So-and-so's sister" or "so-and-so's daughter" wondering why people don't know who she is as an individual. And while I understand that frustration, I think the depth of our relationships define us more than our hobbies or talents. I know that being Reuben and Irene's daughter means more than the fact I enjoy reading. I know that being Reuben, Chris, and Stef's sister is so much more meaningful than the fact that I can create images on paper. Our relationships make our lives more meaningful. They make us as individuals more meaningful.
It's difficult for me to express just how grateful I am for and how much I love all of Brenden's family. They've accepted me with arms wide open. I've only felt this kind of connection with one other family besides my own and it's because I've grown up with them in my life. How could I feel so comfortable and welcome with these new faces? Brenden's grandparents have especially been wonderful to me here in Utah. It's been nice to be able to get away from school once in awhile and visit with family.
As Brenden and I made a birthday card for his grandfather on Sunday evening, Brenden asked me to do the writing since my handwriting easily beats his on any/every level of neatness. It had been so long since I wrote "Grandpa" in a card. And the simple act of doing it struck me with such a sense of belonging and family that I cannot even begin to express my deep love and sense of appreciation for Grandma and Grandpa Binns.
After Grandpa Binns opened his cards and gifts, he started telling us stories of his life, little things he remembered and things that his mother recorded about him when he was a baby. His stories made me so happy and being with the family as he shared them made the experience even more meaningful. I saw Brenden's youngest cousin sitting next to his grandpa and hoped he would remember that night.
I didn't have that kind of experience growing up. Since three of my grandparents passed away before I was four, I didn't hear many first-hand accounts of their lives. My grandfather who passed away when I was sixteen was a quiet, prideful man. He was a good man but still very prideful and stubborn. I think his pride restrained him from sharing many stories from his life in the Philippines where he was too poor to continue in school to become the doctor he always wanted to be or even stories from his life once he moved to the United States where he was too poor to support his family without government aid. I will always regret having not asked him more about his life. My grandfather was a wonderful man. He found his greatest joy in his family. And I'm finally beginning to understand why.
I love my family so much. And I loved being with Brenden's family last night and addressing them the same way I would as my very own family. When I was trying to get Grandpa Binns's attention, I said "Grandpa" and he responded easily. My own dear grandfathers will never be replaced but being able to say "Grandpa" and having someone respond knowing it was me who said it, allowing me to call him "Grandpa" as one of his own grandchildren... what an exquisite feeling! That saying, you don't know what you have until it's gone, is so true. Sometimes I want to just grab people by the shoulders and say "APPRECIATE THIS!" especially when it concerns family.
These days, these moments are never coming back. Soon enough we will all be old and wrinkled and telling our own tales to our children and grandchildren. I won't forget Uncle Matthew's face as he laughed at one of Grandpa Binns's stories. I knew that Uncle Matthew was Grandpa Binns's son but when I saw him looking at Grandpa Binns with so much love in his eyes and heard his laugh at his story, I really understood with an even deeper understanding that Uncle Matthew was indeed Grandpa Binns's son. They were not simply two adults sitting near me conversing. They were father and son talking, laughing, loving. It was beautiful.
Sometimes someone may complain about being known as "So-and-so's sister" or "so-and-so's daughter" wondering why people don't know who she is as an individual. And while I understand that frustration, I think the depth of our relationships define us more than our hobbies or talents. I know that being Reuben and Irene's daughter means more than the fact I enjoy reading. I know that being Reuben, Chris, and Stef's sister is so much more meaningful than the fact that I can create images on paper. Our relationships make our lives more meaningful. They make us as individuals more meaningful.
6.5.09
School
I've officially changed my major to Family Life with an emphasis in Human Development and am currently working on my family core courses. My schedule for spring term includes Introduction to Family Processes, Strengthening Marriage and Family, and Living Prophets. Strengthening Marriage and Family is entirely based on the Proclamation on the family which I found to be very interesting. The course was created after President Boyd K. Packer told BYU faculty to do so. There's a course with the same name in the religion department that isn't quite as focused on the research that supports the Proclamation as the one in the School of Family Life is. I'm really enjoying it.
I'm really enjoying all three of my classes this term and feel very content with my choice of a major. However, though I feel content with what I've chosen, I don't like when people ask me my major and I wonder if I should say "Family Life" or not because I'm afraid that the person will immediately dismiss me as being un-academic (?) or something of the sort. I don't want those people to think "Oh, she came here to get married" because I feel like that's often the impression others not in the school of family life have of those in it. (Also, what's wrong with the goal of getting married? Isn't marriage and having a family necessary for the Plan of Salvation, which is, afterall, what we're here for?) People don't understand that Family Sciences are an actual field of research. (Side-note: BYU was named the No.1 producer of family therapy research in the nation. ) With a Family Life major you can have an emphasis in Human Development or Marriage and Family Studies or Home and Family Living. People immediately assume that a Family Life major means Home and Family Living which obviously means that a female in the major came to BYU just to get married which means they're not as smart as someone in another major like biology or physics. I somewhat understand that assumption, I think it's very wrong, but I can understand where it stems from it's just that I hate feeling like I ought to distinguish myself as someone who came to college to actually get an education. No one in any other school probably has to deal with that as much as Family Life majors. Every time I tell someone I'm majoring in Family Life I feel the need to further explain myself "I'm a family life major with an emphasis in human development. I'm planning on going on to graduate school to get my master's. Then I'm hoping to get a job as a marriage and family therapist. I'm still considering the possibility of furthering my education to earn a PhD." I shouldn't feel that much explanation is necessary to avoid misconceptions. Maybe I just shouldn't worry about misconceptions and let people think what they want. But I really wish that, if nowhere else, at least at BYU where most students have a knowledge and testimony of the Plan of Salvation, people wouldn't discredit studying the family.
Sorry about that ramble. Just something I was thinking about today that was triggered by some strangers I was walking in front of whose conversation really bothered me.
In other news, my grades for winter semester were fantastic! It's evidence for me that, HEY! I CAN DO THIS COLLEGE THING!
Intro to Music: A (fills a GE requirement)
HEPE: A (finishes a GE requirement)
World Religions: A (fills GE + Religion requirement)
Human Development: A (major core course)
Biology: A- (GE)
Book of Mormon: A- (religion requirement)
I haven't gotten all As and A-s since middle school (stupid high school math classes)! So my semester GPA is a 3.9! Woohoo!
I'm really enjoying all three of my classes this term and feel very content with my choice of a major. However, though I feel content with what I've chosen, I don't like when people ask me my major and I wonder if I should say "Family Life" or not because I'm afraid that the person will immediately dismiss me as being un-academic (?) or something of the sort. I don't want those people to think "Oh, she came here to get married" because I feel like that's often the impression others not in the school of family life have of those in it. (Also, what's wrong with the goal of getting married? Isn't marriage and having a family necessary for the Plan of Salvation, which is, afterall, what we're here for?) People don't understand that Family Sciences are an actual field of research. (Side-note: BYU was named the No.1 producer of family therapy research in the nation. ) With a Family Life major you can have an emphasis in Human Development or Marriage and Family Studies or Home and Family Living. People immediately assume that a Family Life major means Home and Family Living which obviously means that a female in the major came to BYU just to get married which means they're not as smart as someone in another major like biology or physics. I somewhat understand that assumption, I think it's very wrong, but I can understand where it stems from it's just that I hate feeling like I ought to distinguish myself as someone who came to college to actually get an education. No one in any other school probably has to deal with that as much as Family Life majors. Every time I tell someone I'm majoring in Family Life I feel the need to further explain myself "I'm a family life major with an emphasis in human development. I'm planning on going on to graduate school to get my master's. Then I'm hoping to get a job as a marriage and family therapist. I'm still considering the possibility of furthering my education to earn a PhD." I shouldn't feel that much explanation is necessary to avoid misconceptions. Maybe I just shouldn't worry about misconceptions and let people think what they want. But I really wish that, if nowhere else, at least at BYU where most students have a knowledge and testimony of the Plan of Salvation, people wouldn't discredit studying the family.
Sorry about that ramble. Just something I was thinking about today that was triggered by some strangers I was walking in front of whose conversation really bothered me.
In other news, my grades for winter semester were fantastic! It's evidence for me that, HEY! I CAN DO THIS COLLEGE THING!
Intro to Music: A (fills a GE requirement)
HEPE: A (finishes a GE requirement)
World Religions: A (fills GE + Religion requirement)
Human Development: A (major core course)
Biology: A- (GE)
Book of Mormon: A- (religion requirement)
I haven't gotten all As and A-s since middle school (stupid high school math classes)! So my semester GPA is a 3.9! Woohoo!
9.4.09
an email (an answer).
This post is tied to my previous post where I stated a desire to help others with disabilities but not knowing what I could do. This morning I received this email:
Are you planning to stay in Provo over spring and summer? At the University Accessibility Center (UAC) we provide opportunities for students to serve fellow students with disabilities. If you are interested in being a note-taker, campus traveler, test reader/scribe, or other various things, we would love to work with you!
Even if you won’t be on campus over the spring and summer semesters but are interested, don’t be discouraged. We need more volunteers throughout the entire year. To become a volunteer, simply email us at uacvol@byu.edu with your full name, email address, and phone number. Or, you could stop by at our office in 2170 WSC. Once you do this, we will be able to contact you and provide more information on how to get started. We hope to hear from you soon.
University Accessibility Center
2170 WSC
How timely.
I'm going by there today. :)
Are you planning to stay in Provo over spring and summer? At the University Accessibility Center (UAC) we provide opportunities for students to serve fellow students with disabilities. If you are interested in being a note-taker, campus traveler, test reader/scribe, or other various things, we would love to work with you!
Even if you won’t be on campus over the spring and summer semesters but are interested, don’t be discouraged. We need more volunteers throughout the entire year. To become a volunteer, simply email us at uacvol@byu.edu with your full name, email address, and phone number. Or, you could stop by at our office in 2170 WSC. Once you do this, we will be able to contact you and provide more information on how to get started. We hope to hear from you soon.
University Accessibility Center
2170 WSC
How timely.
I'm going by there today. :)
8.4.09
a walk.
Walking back from school today, I found myself quite pleased with life. The day was a pleasant one, overcast and a little windy but not too cold. I find that those days make me feel the happiest. They bring back feelings from my childhood around fall. Fall was always my favorite season. People say that Galveston doesn't really have seasons and I mostly agree. And I've always categorized portions of my life not by the seasons as defined by weather but by seasons defined by the school year. And fall was always my favorite. And I've only ever associated overcast, windy days with learning to ride/continuing to ride my bike during the fall. Windy, overcast days were the only days the weather was decent enough for me to play outside. I love windy overcast days; they bring me back to some of the best memories and feelings of my childhood.
But that's not where I was going with this.
Walking back from school today, I found myself quite pleased with life. The day was a pleasant one, overcast and a little windy but not too cold. I just finished my last midterm for the semester (imagine that! a midterm the week before finals!) and had made an appointment with a counselor to discuss my new major and scheduling. Plus we talked about musical theater in my music class today! I plugged in my headphones and was listening to my ipod as I walked home. I occasionally smiled at strangers like I do when I'm in good moods. When I got to the intersection at Bulldog and University I saw a man across the street from me with a long, thin pole. He was blind and I began to wonder how he would know when to cross the street. This intersection did not have the chirping sounds that some did on campus for those that are seeing-impaired. Somehow he knew because shortly after the "walk" light came on, he began walking. I walked by him and felt like I should do something. He looked like a student, about 20ish carrying a backpack, should I walk with him the rest of the way to campus? Should I shout hello over the sounds of traffic? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out to him with anything, he couldn't see a smile or a wave as a subtle greeting. If wanted to do something it would need to be bigger and a little more generous. But I just walked by. And as I walked by, I was flooded with emotions. At first I felt sad for him, I could not imagine losing my sight or never having it to begin with. My life would feel so empty without the visual memory of the beach at sunrise, or how Japan looked from the airplane as we were landing, or the sight of the kicking, tiny, chubby feet of infants. I tried to shift my sadness to gratitude for my sight and then for medical advancements that make sight better for some people. Then I began to feel happy for this man because despite his handicap he was taking the challenge of attending a university to get an education. And I began to feel more gratitude for this country we live in that makes it possible for those with handicaps to live more normal lives than perhaps those with those same handicaps in other countries. And before I knew it, I had tears threatening to spill over. I was just overwhelmed by so many feelings in such a short time. I didn't even know what feeling it was that prompted the tears to begin with. I just knew I wanted to do more to help this man and people in a similar situation and I didn't know where to begin.
These feelings are good for me. They help me remember that I have so many things to be grateful for and they prompt me to act in good ways towards others. These feelings tell me that I can experience feelings of unselfish love but I need to turn those feelings into actions somehow. I really do want to do so many things for people. I have a feeling that most people want to do more for others than what they are currently doing. But I let my busy schedule get in the way. I think that as soon as this class is over, or as soon as I'm done with this semester, I'll have time and energy to focus on others. I have time and energy now that can be better spent doing things like volunteering with some volunteer group on campus or working with children through BYU's TOPS tutoring program than using my "down" or "free" time to sit around lazily and watch a movie on TV or browse the internet or find myself completely consumed in facebook-ing. This life is not mine. It belongs to my Savior and I should be doing the things that He would have me do.
But that's not where I was going with this.
Walking back from school today, I found myself quite pleased with life. The day was a pleasant one, overcast and a little windy but not too cold. I just finished my last midterm for the semester (imagine that! a midterm the week before finals!) and had made an appointment with a counselor to discuss my new major and scheduling. Plus we talked about musical theater in my music class today! I plugged in my headphones and was listening to my ipod as I walked home. I occasionally smiled at strangers like I do when I'm in good moods. When I got to the intersection at Bulldog and University I saw a man across the street from me with a long, thin pole. He was blind and I began to wonder how he would know when to cross the street. This intersection did not have the chirping sounds that some did on campus for those that are seeing-impaired. Somehow he knew because shortly after the "walk" light came on, he began walking. I walked by him and felt like I should do something. He looked like a student, about 20ish carrying a backpack, should I walk with him the rest of the way to campus? Should I shout hello over the sounds of traffic? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out to him with anything, he couldn't see a smile or a wave as a subtle greeting. If wanted to do something it would need to be bigger and a little more generous. But I just walked by. And as I walked by, I was flooded with emotions. At first I felt sad for him, I could not imagine losing my sight or never having it to begin with. My life would feel so empty without the visual memory of the beach at sunrise, or how Japan looked from the airplane as we were landing, or the sight of the kicking, tiny, chubby feet of infants. I tried to shift my sadness to gratitude for my sight and then for medical advancements that make sight better for some people. Then I began to feel happy for this man because despite his handicap he was taking the challenge of attending a university to get an education. And I began to feel more gratitude for this country we live in that makes it possible for those with handicaps to live more normal lives than perhaps those with those same handicaps in other countries. And before I knew it, I had tears threatening to spill over. I was just overwhelmed by so many feelings in such a short time. I didn't even know what feeling it was that prompted the tears to begin with. I just knew I wanted to do more to help this man and people in a similar situation and I didn't know where to begin.
These feelings are good for me. They help me remember that I have so many things to be grateful for and they prompt me to act in good ways towards others. These feelings tell me that I can experience feelings of unselfish love but I need to turn those feelings into actions somehow. I really do want to do so many things for people. I have a feeling that most people want to do more for others than what they are currently doing. But I let my busy schedule get in the way. I think that as soon as this class is over, or as soon as I'm done with this semester, I'll have time and energy to focus on others. I have time and energy now that can be better spent doing things like volunteering with some volunteer group on campus or working with children through BYU's TOPS tutoring program than using my "down" or "free" time to sit around lazily and watch a movie on TV or browse the internet or find myself completely consumed in facebook-ing. This life is not mine. It belongs to my Savior and I should be doing the things that He would have me do.
4.4.09
a memory.
When I was sixteen years old, I saw my grandfather die. The day before he died the hospice nurse told us that with the levels of pain killers he was on he would no longer be able to understand what was going on around him. Even so, I continued to sing and play his favorite song on the piano for him as much as I could. As I was playing through it once, I noticed tears were forming at the corners of his closed eyes. I rushed to his side and held his hand and whispered into his ear how much I loved him. I wasn't sure if the tears were simply something his body was doing to take care of itself or if they were an emotional reaction. But after telling him how much he was loved and just holding his hand for a few minutes, his tears began to steadily stream down his cheeks. I stopped talking and just hugged his arm and cried with him. My uncle realized that my grandfather was crying and he grew angry with me and yelled at me for making my dying grandfather experience even more pain. I immediately got up and ran to my bedroom where I began to cry even more heavily into my pillow, this time alone.
That night I had a dream in which my grandfather was neither dead nor alive; he was present in some kind of state between life and death. He said he had to tell me something. He said, "I love you, Nining." In my dream I thought, nining, what does nining mean? Then my dad woke me up and told me that my grandfather's breathing had changed, his breaths were more shallow and further apart. My dad said that he would probably pass away within a few hours and everyone was gathering around his bed to say goodbye. My mother's side of the family had spent the night to be with my grandfather so we were all there, gathered around the portable hospital bed in our living room on which he lay. I remember holding my youngest cousin as he cried quietly. We all took turns letting my grandfather know each of us were there with him. Then my mother promised him that we would take care of each other and that he did not have to hold on for us anymore. Almost immediately after she said that, my grandfather took his last breath and was gone.
Later that day, my mother was in the kitchen preparing something to eat for my great aunt and uncle who were flying in from California originally to be with my grandfather before he passed away but now to help my family with funeral plans. I told my mother my dream and when I got to the part about what my grandfather said I told her I wasn't sure if I remembered the word right, that I thought he said "nining" but I wasn't sure because I'd never heard the word before. She looked at me with a strangely amazed look on her face as she told me that "nining" was a term of endearment in my grandfather's native language. He called me "nining" when I was a baby, much too young to remember.
I truly believe it was my grandfather who visited me in my dreams that night to tell me what he had wanted so desperately to tell me the day before. I have the firm belief that he is with my grandmother today. I know that death is not the end and that families can be together forever. I am so grateful for this knowledge and for a loving Heavenly Father who created a plan so that all of this is possible.
That night I had a dream in which my grandfather was neither dead nor alive; he was present in some kind of state between life and death. He said he had to tell me something. He said, "I love you, Nining." In my dream I thought, nining, what does nining mean? Then my dad woke me up and told me that my grandfather's breathing had changed, his breaths were more shallow and further apart. My dad said that he would probably pass away within a few hours and everyone was gathering around his bed to say goodbye. My mother's side of the family had spent the night to be with my grandfather so we were all there, gathered around the portable hospital bed in our living room on which he lay. I remember holding my youngest cousin as he cried quietly. We all took turns letting my grandfather know each of us were there with him. Then my mother promised him that we would take care of each other and that he did not have to hold on for us anymore. Almost immediately after she said that, my grandfather took his last breath and was gone.
Later that day, my mother was in the kitchen preparing something to eat for my great aunt and uncle who were flying in from California originally to be with my grandfather before he passed away but now to help my family with funeral plans. I told my mother my dream and when I got to the part about what my grandfather said I told her I wasn't sure if I remembered the word right, that I thought he said "nining" but I wasn't sure because I'd never heard the word before. She looked at me with a strangely amazed look on her face as she told me that "nining" was a term of endearment in my grandfather's native language. He called me "nining" when I was a baby, much too young to remember.
I truly believe it was my grandfather who visited me in my dreams that night to tell me what he had wanted so desperately to tell me the day before. I have the firm belief that he is with my grandmother today. I know that death is not the end and that families can be together forever. I am so grateful for this knowledge and for a loving Heavenly Father who created a plan so that all of this is possible.
3.3.09
19.1.09
Note:
I can enjoy being around people who are not like me but I cannot be anyone other than myself.
This is a time of self-discovery. Why is it so hard?
This is a time of self-discovery. Why is it so hard?
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