Hey Look! It's September!

Today was day one of TA madness. I got to school around 8:30 and went to the office in the JSFB to turn in my TA form. The lady explained a million different things at once and handed me a little booklet and said thank you which I assumed meant we were done and it was time for me to leave. I took it and was incredibly grateful to realize that the booklet covered everything that she had quickly tried explaining to me. I still had to get another form filled out before I could officially start working. I went to the Student Employment office to fill that out and they told me I needed my Social Security card, Passport, or Birth Certificate before I could fill it out. Thankfully my mother gave me my Birth Certificate before I left for school this semester because I need to get a Passport sometime soon. I called Audrey, my roommate, who was still at the apartment and she got it for me and brought it when she came to campus. I got back in line at the Student Employment office. This line was way longer than when I had gone earlier in the morning. This line was so long that I was in it for an hour and the people working there set up a movie (Tale of Despereaux, to be exact) for the people in line to watch while they waited. I got it filled out though, just in time to grab lunch with Nielson and then head over to the SFL TA Office so I could do my first office hour of the semester. I met the Head TA, Jessi, whose inbox I've been flooding with questions ever since she sent out the first email to all TAs. She seems really nice and I'm excited to work with her. I met another TA who is also brand new, Hannah from Fort Worth. She and I will be TA-ing for the same lecture. I went to the first lecture today and got to stand in the front at the podium and talk into a microphone to 300 students about myself. I really hope I won't have to do too much of that but I guess it's good to have to step outside my comfort zone every now and then. Still, I'd like to avoid that as much as possible.

I have to get a TB test before I can volunteer at Utah State Hospital. I just arranged that for 9:50 AM on my BIRTHDAY. Why? Because that is the soonest I can have one done and the sooner I get one done, the sooner I can volunteer. I wanted to get one this Friday but I can't because the clinic won't be open on Monday so they wouldn't be able to check it. Booooooo. I want to get everything done as soon as I can so I can get my schedule all worked out. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I'm still in a frenzy trying to figure out my schedule and work out homework time, sleeping time, eating time, working time, etc. Oh, and social time, too. If it fits.

I walked to Chadder's with Sarah, one of my roommates, tonight for a burger and fries. It was good and I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She can get me into rock climbing for free anytime and she even said we could get our whole FHE group to go rock climbing sometime for FHE. She works at Color me mine and she could get us major discounts if we wanted to go there for FHE also. Also for one of Audrey's classes she needs to plan parties (kinda cool, right?) so I'm totally giving her free reign for FHE sometime this semester.

So my official work hours are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have an office hour at 12-1 on Tuesday and go to the Human Development lecture at 1:35- 2:50 that day. Then I have a TA meeting on Thursday at 11 and another office hour at 1-2. My Tuesday hours kinda suck because I don't think I'll have time to go to devotional at the Marriott Center and get back in time to work. I'll probably just watch it at the Varsity Theater again this semester.

I decided that I really miss the HFAC. I don't have any classes there this semester and though I didn't have any classes there this whole summer, I still went there a lot with Brenden. I miss sitting on the benches outside and waiting for Brenden to come pick me up after class. So I went there today. I was actually walking through the HFAC to get to the MOA and sit outside there but I stopped and walked out onto the area towards the JKB and ASB and read scriptures there until Audrey came with my stuff for my I-9 form. It was really nice. It was still in the morning around 9ish so it wasn't hot and there weren't a lot of people walking in and out at that entrance. I don't know if I'll make reading there a regular thing though because that increases the likelihood of running into Brenden and I almost feel like that's cheating somehow. .. Yeah, I don't know. I'm weird.

Audrey, Carly (another of my roommates) and I joined a dinner group. !!! I'm feeling very wary of this whole thing just because it's kinda a commitment and I don't really like commitments on top of other commitments. Plus I'll have to provide dinner for people. Which means I'll have to cook and other people will have to eat it. Eleven other people to be exact. AND it's Monday- Thursday. Am I psycho? I want to be more social. Is this a good way to do it? I really hope this doesn't end up being insanely stressful or crappy or anything. I at least know three people in it- Audrey, Carly, and Darrell (the dude that invited us to do it). Oh man, I hope this doesn't suck. Haha

hello.

sickness.

Wow

I am doing my best to keep busy. Change my surroundings so as not to be bombarded with memories of just a few days ago. I don't want to feel sad. I wonder if I am running away from feelings that I need to be feeling.

I worry if I'm doing things wrong. I can barely manage being in the same room. I want to run up and wrap my arms around him. I never knew I possessed the self-discipline I've been exercising this weekend. I suppose it will get easier as the days go by.

I'm doing what I've been advised to do. Yesterday probably could've gone better for me. I think I didn't leave my dorm at all except to go to the store. I can't even really remember. (Oh wait, I went running for a little bit.) I do remember lying in my bed for most of the day crying alone, bawling over the phone, or praying in desperation for the strength to make it through this. I wasn't sure if I could even trust myself to be alone. I almost called Andy to take me to the emergency room so I could get some sedatives or something. I couldn't believe how much I felt I was losing control.

Today on the way to church Lori-Ann asked me if I was going to stop by Brenden's place. I said, "No, not today." Sadly, I probably won't be stopping by there at all for the rest of the term (which I guess is only like three more weeks but still...). Then she mentioned how he hadn't been over for awhile. I know she knows that we broke up. Because he had been over just on Friday. It's not like it's been forever. I didn't say that we weren't together anymore. I just pretended like we didn't get the chance to see each other. When will I accept it?

Church was painful. I couldn't stand being away from him, knowing he was right there. I feel horrible for having to change FHE groups. I wanted to tell Brother Thomas to switch me out, not Brenden. That was Brenden's FHE. I didn't feel it was right. I made myself go to ward choir to do something with my time. I guess I knew he would be there. I don't know if that played a part in my decision to go. I had actually planned on skipping it. I went to HFAC to find a decent piano since the one in our basement sucks but all the practice rooms were locked. I sat outside HFAC for a little while and read the newspaper from Friday and then looked at the time. 3:07. I decided to go to ward choir. I didn't sign the role because I'm not sure I want to go back. It was nice. I think I suck at singing. I can't really sight read or sing very well. And then, of course, it's just difficult being there. I wanted to leave. I want this to be over.

I want to kiss him again.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my ultimate study day. I have a paper due on Tuesday (minimum of six pages) that I have yet to start on. I have three midterms to take on Tuesday and Wednesday. And I have so much reading I need to do. SO MUCH READING. I'm less than halfway through my book for Judaism and that needs to be done by Wednesday so I can take the exam. I don't even know where I left off for D&C. And I need to get the notes from last Wednesday from someone.

Tomorrow's schedule has changed. Around 2:30 I'm supposed to go see a movie with Susan and some other kiddos from the ward. And then at 4:00 I'm meeting the Broadbent RA, Kevin, and Claire from my FHE group to go see Death Cab.

I'm thinking tomorrow is my Living Prophets class study/homework day. KLTP + Topic Paper + Study for Midterm. Probably not going to finish everything I need to which means I will probably not go to the 9 o'clock class on Tuesday so I will have more time to do my stuff to turn in at noon. Then after class on Tuesday will be Judaism and D&C stuff. I'm probably not going to get all of my D&C reading done. Which is potentially disastrous. *sigh*

I forgot to do one of my Judaism reading and writing assignments that was due on Friday at midnight. I keep reminding myself to do it and just turn it in late but I don't.

Okay. General Schedule for the next three days:
Monday: 9:35= Wake up/Shower; 10:00= Homework: Topic Paper, KLTP, Midterm studying; 2:30= Movie; 4:00= Death Cab
Tuesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Finish Prophets class homework; 12:00= Prophets Class; 2:00= Study; 3:00= Prophets Exam; 4:30= Jamba Juice reward; 4:45= Homework: Judaism and D&C
Wednesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Homework: Judaism; 11:00= Judaism class; 12:00= Homework: D&C; 1:00= D&C class; 3:00= Study D&C; 4:30= D&C Exam; 6:30= Study Judaism; 7:30= Judaism exam; 9:00= Go home and pack, sleep

Okay good. I have everything figured out now. I might not be able to see the movie on Monday anymore since I'm meeting at 4 to go to Death Cab. But we shall see! (If I can't go to the movie then I'll be able to do more homework anyway...)

Hello New Blog. Welcome to the World (wide web).

I'm slightly concerned that this blog will become just like my original blog: a space where I vent and sound like a whiney little brat who doesn't know even the beginning of suffering. And while I understand that people actually DO have life harder than I have it, this realization doesn't make me change my mind on complaining to the whole world how ABSOLUTELY, DREADFULLY INTENSE my pain is.

I've been meaning to write in this blog since I created it last Tuesday for my creative writing class. I've since dropped the class and left the blog desolate. But no longer! I am planting words into this vast emptiness. (I am not, however, reclaiming that class. I was a fool to even consider it to begin with. Seeing how it's a three hour credit course that deals with intensive writing and reading. While I love writing and reading, I think I would've been setting myself up for another nervous breakdown taking that course. In all honesty, I think the class is going to brilliant and great. I know I would've read amazing things and learned even more amazing things. But as I was signed up for other courses, I really doubted in my ability to handle the course load. I think I will be better off taking it during a major semester.) Wow, that was a long parenthetical statement. And I think this paragraph is done now.

My social anxiety is what I'd like to describe as the supreme hindrance to my emotional well-being. Although I suppose my social anxiety is caused by my pathetic emotional well-being. What a sucky predicament.

I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.

I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.

It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.

I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.