Quote.

"Poor boy, there is no hope for you. I have discovered your great wound; this flower in your side is destroying you."

kafka, the country doctor

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I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises.
He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated

\\

Wait. They don't love you like I love you.

This is a line from a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song that is widely known mostly because it is featured on Rock Band.

After taking my first Theories in Family Perspective exam tonight, I hear this line and think this is a sad person trying to appeal to an exchangeist planning on leaving her, claiming his evaluation strategy of alternatives level was not thought out as well as it should have been, that her love for him is better than the love any of the alternatives could provide, that her love for him in this current relationship is a greater reward than what he could get from any of the alternatives, that he should take into account moving costs and if the rewards from his alternatives really do outweigh those costs.

Maps.

Oh say say say. Oh say say say.

What the crap is going on?

Also, I've officially added the Gerontology minor.

Quote.

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
-Sylvia Plath

Quote

"Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may exist but you have ceased to live."
-Henry David Thoreau

This was the quote I put in my senior yearbook under my picture. I really don't know what I was talking about. Did I even have dreams or aspirations then? If I did, I've totally forgotten them now.

I didn't go grocery shopping. I won't have food to eat this week.

I missed my three lecture periods for statistics last week which means I've missed a total of six lessons of new material. Monday is my last statistics class period and exams are Wednesday and Thursday.

I missed one of my D&C classes last week as well. At least I'm still caught up in the reading for that class.

I canceled a therapy appointment scheduled for last Wednesday. That was when I had decided I was beyond help.

I cleaned my room a bit today to get ready for my new roommate. I feel bad that her side of the room has the broken bookshelf. I feel like I ought to switch.

I have church tomorrow. And Brenden is going to call me in the afternoon to tell me what's going on. EDIT (08/09/09): Brenden is going to TEXT me in the afternoon to tell me he's not going to talk to me again.

Sometimes I get angry.

filling in the gaps (copied from handwritten journal)

Life is composed of events. Today's doctor's appointment, tomorrow's movie, next week's election. Viewing life in this way makes me disregard the moments, hours and days between these events. Which means that probably more than half of my life is spent not realizing I'm living, unaware that this moment, even this scratching of pen on paper, is significant. I need to somehow start living in those moments and appreciate them for the life they contain. I think the meaningful laughter I experience in casual conversation holds more value than the cleverly-planned-joke-generated laughter from a comedy show that I'd held in higher regard simply because it was a planned event. It's been my experience that the events I plan my life around aren't as fulfilling as I expect them to be. My most cherished memories tend to be composed of little things that I wouldn't originally have found important.

Quote

Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

"Listen, Jake," he leaned forward on the bar. "Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?"
"Yes, every once in a while."
"Do you know that in about thirty-five years more we'll be dead?"
"What the hell, Robert," I said. "What the hell."
"I'm serious."
"It's one thing I don't worry about," I said.
"You ought to."
"I've had plenty to worry about one time or other. I'm through worrying."
"Well, I want to go to South America."
"Listen, Robert, going to another country doesn't make any difference. I've tried all that. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that."
"But you've never been to South America."
"South America hell! If you went there the way you feel now it would be exactly the same. This is a good town. Why don't you start living your life in Paris?"

hello.

sickness.

Quote

I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises. He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated