//

This is one of those weeks where I wish I was at home or that my mom was here. Where I wish I didn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning or getting to and from school.

This is one of those weeks where there are seriously not enough hours in the day. (I've planned out the use of each hour for the rest of this week and I'm still barely squeezing enough time in to do an article summary for one of my classes.)

Why am I blogging?

Because if I don't take a five minute break from studying I'm going to explode.

//

This is called Procrastinating/Freezing/Freaking out/UGH.

I have no idea how I will ever be able to write a legitimate paper when I can barely do these stupid article summaries.

I think part of my problem is that I'm still not quite sure what I'm looking for and that I'm intimidated by everything that I need to get done. I have 2 article summaries due on Tuesday, 5 due on Friday, 2 exams this week, 2 quizzes, 40 assignments to grade (fairly lengthy assignments, mind you), and on top of all that my regular nearly-overwhelming-on-its-own class readings. Urgh.

Oh yeah. And my MacBook's battery is completely shot. I need to find $130 somewhere to buy another one.

I can't believe next week is the last full week of January. WEIRD. Time sure flies when you're consumed with readings and assignments. Oh let me tell you.

I do not want to want.

I'm not sure what happened or what it is about me but I often find myself trying to not want things. Which is good to an extent. When I don't want, I don't spend excessive amounts of money on unnecessary things. I become resourceful and creative. I also find life very dull and sad. This is because I do not want even good things in life. I do not hope to get anything at all. I have found that disappointment is much more difficult for me to deal with than simply expecting nothing. And so I expect nothing. And try my best to want nothing. (This is the main reason I did not apply to many of the universities/colleges I wanted so desperately to attend, schools like New York University, University of Puget Sound, Fordham, University of Rochester, Boston, Wesleyan.)

But there are some things I want. A lot.
Like the opportunity to do a study abroad in Vienna. Or a semester at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I want to be a part of the research team next summer in Seattle.

Simply writing these things down as things I want creates lumps in my throat because I am so scared of not getting them. I am scared that not being able to do those things has deeper meaning than simply being unable to do them. I fear that being unable to do them means I am somehow a lesser person.

I realize that much of my attempting to want nothing is due to my knowledge that I can afford very little. (Applying to the schools I really wanted to go to and then getting accepted and then being unable to afford them would've killed me. Example: Acceptance to Brandeis. Brandeis was the one university I really wanted to go to that I applied to. However, I sent an incomplete application, perhaps a subconscious effort to avoid disappointment at the possibility of not being accepted. I received an acceptance letter a number of weeks later, probably due to them waiting for me to send in the last portion of the application- my teacher's recommendation form. Brandeis would've cost me somewhere around $40,000 a year. It was the only school that didn't offer me a scholarship, not that any scholarship I might have qualified for would've made much of a dent in that bill. Still, no other school I was accepted to meant much to me after being denied the opportunity to go to Brandeis. Which is dumb. Especially now that I look back on it and realize that BYU was/is the best place for me.) I do not like the fact that my economic status dictates much of what I can do. I like to believe that I am just as capable as the next person to succeed with and appreciate a study abroad program, summer enrichment programs, a trip to Europe. I do not like that I am denied these kind of opportunities because I cannot afford them. Yes, the majority of this paragraph is in parentheses.

I realize that these things that I want are unnecessary, that people have succeeded without them, that people have led perfectly healthy, wonderful lives without participating in these things, without even having the opportunity to participate in these things. I know I am greatly blessed. It's another reason why I don't want to want. I already have more than I need.

Remember, Natalie. You already have more than you need.

This Right Now

It hasn't been like this in a long time. Mornings are the hardest now. It's getting harder to fight that desire to just spend the entire day in bed. Waking up in the morning used to be the easier part of my day. How am I supposed to start a new semester when I'm already dreading getting out of bed? At least while I'm at home I have to do things with my family. When I get back to school who's going to force me to get up?

Plus, I'm changing my schedule around and there really aren't any classes I'm that interested in taking. It's probably just the whole being bummed about life thing I'm going through right now. Hopefully things will start to look up when I get back to Utah. This is me doing that thing again. Hoping that the next thing will be better, just trying to get through this right now.

These are the classes I'm taking this fall. I'm going to drop either Civ Lit or Abnormal Psych. I don't want to take 17 hrs while TA-ing for Human Development. On one hand I think keeping insanely busy could be good for me but on the other hand I know I won't be able to handle it.
SFL260- Family Finance MWF 9-9:50
SFL290- Crit. Inquiry and Research Meth. MWF 10-10:50
RELA211- New Testament MW 12-12:50
RELC393R- LDS in Wartime MW 3-3:50
PSYCH342- Abnormal Psychology M 4-6:30
CMLIT201- Civilization: Literature 1 TTH 4-5:15
RELC355- Judaism & the Gospel F 2-2:50

I don't really have any classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is really annoying. I wish my schedule was more spread out but I guess that means those days can be for my TA office hours. Hopefully that works out okay.

(4)

Today is a slightly better day than yesterday.

I cannot count the number of times I just stopped what I was doing yesterday and started crying. I was so stressed out, it was ridiculous. I climbed into bed around 11 o'clock and started crying again. I wasn't finished cleaning, I wasn't nearly done studying, I hadn't started packing, and I missed Brenden so much. I couldn't sleep and I knew I was going to wake up at 6 AM so I could continue studying so the fact that I couldn't sleep only stressed me out more and made it even more difficult for me to sleep. And once I finally fell asleep, it was one of those restless kinds of sleep where I was still thinking of the things I needed to do but was halfway asleep. And then my alarm went off at 6 and I was exhausted and reset it for 6:30 but the whole 30 minutes between 6 and 6:30 I kept thinking about all the studying and things I needed to be doing so I didn't get any extra rest then either.

I woke up and started studying. I decided I was hungry so I left my apartment and walked to school where I got a donut and continued doing practice problems except that I left my calculator at home so I was trying to do all the computations on my cell phone and then I got to a problem that needed me to do a square root. I skipped it, read through the rest of the problems, and walked to the testing center. I thought surely I was going to fail this thing. I didn't do ANY of the reading for the last eight lectures (actually only 4 lecture periods but during the summer, you have two lectures in one period). Even though the final was comprehensive, we were told that 60% of it was new material (you know, the stuff I didn't read). I wanted more time to study but my professor said to plan about four hours for the exam and if I spent any more time studying then I might not be back at my apartment in time to finish cleaning for my cleaning check. So I walked into the testing center around 8:30 and took the stupid exam. I finished around 10 (2.5 hours earlier than I had anticipated) and was amazed to see on the screen that I made a 91%. I actually walked out the door and then back in to check it again and make sure I read the right ID number. I did. It was quite exciting.

I'm home now. I finished cleaning about an hour ago. My cleaning check isn't for at least another hour. I don't know what to do. I think I might try reading something that isn't about statistics now. Or maybe I'll try a nap. I'm pretty tired.

Gah, I wish I had friends here right now. You have no idea how lonely I am.

(3)

It's probably unhealthy for me to actually count the days since Brenden and I broke up. But that's how I'm measuring things now. I think back to Saturday afternoon when we were making eggrolls and playing card games. Was that really just four days ago? I want to push it back farther. I want it farther away. It doesn't make sense that day was just the day before Sunday which was the day before Monday which was the day before Tuesday which was yesterday. How is it that Saturday is so close to today and that I'm feeling so horrible today when I was laughing at him singing those Disney songs with Cameron and getting annoyed that he wasn't helping me make the eggrolls on Saturday? I'm hoping that sometime I'll reach that magic number of days away that makes everything better, that number that says, "hey you made it. now feel better." But what is that number? How many days do I have to suffer through this?

Last night I had dinner with Natalie Hansen, a returned missionary who served in Galveston. I told her that my boyfriend and I just broke up on Sunday and she offered to hook me up with some of her returned missionary friends. I really didn't know what to say. My immediate reaction was thinking this thing between Brenden and me is temporary, that I'm just waiting for him to get out on his mission so I can see him off and then I can wait some more until he comes home. My second reaction was yes please find me someone.

The way I've dealt with break ups in the past was simply by finding another boyfriend. I would ignore the pain of letting go of that person by finding someone else to replace that person. I thought more about it and realized I can't do that this time around. I want to be with Brenden; I don't want to replace him at all. Which means I'm actually going to have to deal with this pain. Which means I will need to do things for myself. I haven't actually been without a boyfriend for more than a couple months since the beginning of tenth grade (and unofficially since ninth grade). Everything I would do was for someone else. I'm so used to finding my worth in being someone's girlfriend, in caring about that person and being cared for in return, that I don't understand my true individual worth. In my case, finding another boyfriend would be easy. I'm not trying to sound like "oh I'm so wonderful I can easily find a boyfriend." What I'm saying is that trying to find someone to fill that void would be the easy thing to do. It's not the right thing to do. It would be completely selfish. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I'm just so scared about how difficult this is going to be. I know I can do it. I just really, really don't want to.

I cannot comprehend being just me.

Note:

I can enjoy being around people who are not like me but I cannot be anyone other than myself.

This is a time of self-discovery. Why is it so hard?

School

I so desperately want to be back at Brigham Young University.

All the times I had told myself I was never going to end up at BYU, that it was my last choice, that I would rather go almost anywhere else but BYU, I wish I could've seen how very much I was going to love it there. I wish I could've seen that it was actually a place where I was going to fit in and find the friends I had longed for. But how was I to know? When making my college decision I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had settled on a major (that I eventually changed) but besides that, I didn't know who I wanted to become.

Now that I know who I want to be, I am locked out from the place I can be best trained.

I know I can still become that person through other experiences, other universities. But I feel my progress may be slowed. My progress has already been slowed by my sheer idiocy. There are consequences for my actions and I have no one to blame but myself if I cannot go back to BYU.

hello.

sickness.

I have no sanctuary.

I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album Narrow Stairs. I just closed my eyes (Yes I can type with my eyes closed) and I'm trying to imagine that I'm back in my dorm room in Heritage listening to this CD when I first got it. It's a little hard. Eyes open again.

I was told that I could go back to BYU when it appeared as though I was ready. Which means there is an actual chance that I would be going back. I love/d BYU, don't get me wrong. That place was amazing for me. But I'm back home now and I don't feel like I will ever go back. I fear it was a very temporary place for me. I wish I had spent more time outside. Simply being outside gives me a sense of freedom and space that I will never experience here at my home. I wouldn't mind sitting out on one of the jetties in the evening. But if I tell my mom I'm going to sit on the beach she'll ask me why, what for, where, how long, and having to give reason for my meditation seems to destroy it for me. And so I will lie in my bed with my computer on my lap since my desk is completely cluttered with my sister's things. I will walk back and forth from my bedroom to our living room. I don't want to read anything. I don't have any paintbrushes. I don't have my paper. I don't even have a key to my own home so if I wanted to take a walk somewhere I wouldn't be able to get back in. I don't have car keys and even if I did gas is so ridiculously expensive that my normally relaxing drives would only stress me more.

It's easy to be depressed now that I'm back at home. I love my family. They are great and supportive and caring. But sometimes they smother me. And when we are all cramped in this tiny little house with no rooms for any privacy except bathrooms it gets a little chaotic. I'm glad I got my job back at the library. That job was rather medicinal for me. A somewhat strange safe haven. The Dewey Decimal System provides me with a sense structure that no one can disrupt.

I just had an interesting idea. Maybe I will become a librarian. If working in a library is the only job I was able to keep for more than a few weeks perhaps I should consider it more seriously or at least consider something with a similar work environment.

It's 3:35. I should start peeling some potatoes.

Oh my goodness, someone save me.

Nonononono

I had all of my midterms planned out. I understood my D&C midterm to start on Wednesday. That's what I thought I read in the syllabus, now that I look at it more closely I suppose it could mean that the midterm is any time between the two dates not necessarily available on the first date. Crapcrapcrap.

My flight leaves at 10:30 AM on Thursday morning. The Testing Center doesn't open until 10 AM on Thursday. There is no way I could take it on the regularly scheduled times. Mom is checking to see if I can change to a later flight so I can take my exam Thursday morning. This massively sucks.

Friday I was in shock. Saturday I felt hopeless. Sunday I had my faith restored. Today everything seems to be falling apart again.

Why does it have to be like this?

Wow

I am doing my best to keep busy. Change my surroundings so as not to be bombarded with memories of just a few days ago. I don't want to feel sad. I wonder if I am running away from feelings that I need to be feeling.

I worry if I'm doing things wrong. I can barely manage being in the same room. I want to run up and wrap my arms around him. I never knew I possessed the self-discipline I've been exercising this weekend. I suppose it will get easier as the days go by.

I'm doing what I've been advised to do. Yesterday probably could've gone better for me. I think I didn't leave my dorm at all except to go to the store. I can't even really remember. (Oh wait, I went running for a little bit.) I do remember lying in my bed for most of the day crying alone, bawling over the phone, or praying in desperation for the strength to make it through this. I wasn't sure if I could even trust myself to be alone. I almost called Andy to take me to the emergency room so I could get some sedatives or something. I couldn't believe how much I felt I was losing control.

Today on the way to church Lori-Ann asked me if I was going to stop by Brenden's place. I said, "No, not today." Sadly, I probably won't be stopping by there at all for the rest of the term (which I guess is only like three more weeks but still...). Then she mentioned how he hadn't been over for awhile. I know she knows that we broke up. Because he had been over just on Friday. It's not like it's been forever. I didn't say that we weren't together anymore. I just pretended like we didn't get the chance to see each other. When will I accept it?

Church was painful. I couldn't stand being away from him, knowing he was right there. I feel horrible for having to change FHE groups. I wanted to tell Brother Thomas to switch me out, not Brenden. That was Brenden's FHE. I didn't feel it was right. I made myself go to ward choir to do something with my time. I guess I knew he would be there. I don't know if that played a part in my decision to go. I had actually planned on skipping it. I went to HFAC to find a decent piano since the one in our basement sucks but all the practice rooms were locked. I sat outside HFAC for a little while and read the newspaper from Friday and then looked at the time. 3:07. I decided to go to ward choir. I didn't sign the role because I'm not sure I want to go back. It was nice. I think I suck at singing. I can't really sight read or sing very well. And then, of course, it's just difficult being there. I wanted to leave. I want this to be over.

I want to kiss him again.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my ultimate study day. I have a paper due on Tuesday (minimum of six pages) that I have yet to start on. I have three midterms to take on Tuesday and Wednesday. And I have so much reading I need to do. SO MUCH READING. I'm less than halfway through my book for Judaism and that needs to be done by Wednesday so I can take the exam. I don't even know where I left off for D&C. And I need to get the notes from last Wednesday from someone.

Tomorrow's schedule has changed. Around 2:30 I'm supposed to go see a movie with Susan and some other kiddos from the ward. And then at 4:00 I'm meeting the Broadbent RA, Kevin, and Claire from my FHE group to go see Death Cab.

I'm thinking tomorrow is my Living Prophets class study/homework day. KLTP + Topic Paper + Study for Midterm. Probably not going to finish everything I need to which means I will probably not go to the 9 o'clock class on Tuesday so I will have more time to do my stuff to turn in at noon. Then after class on Tuesday will be Judaism and D&C stuff. I'm probably not going to get all of my D&C reading done. Which is potentially disastrous. *sigh*

I forgot to do one of my Judaism reading and writing assignments that was due on Friday at midnight. I keep reminding myself to do it and just turn it in late but I don't.

Okay. General Schedule for the next three days:
Monday: 9:35= Wake up/Shower; 10:00= Homework: Topic Paper, KLTP, Midterm studying; 2:30= Movie; 4:00= Death Cab
Tuesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Finish Prophets class homework; 12:00= Prophets Class; 2:00= Study; 3:00= Prophets Exam; 4:30= Jamba Juice reward; 4:45= Homework: Judaism and D&C
Wednesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Homework: Judaism; 11:00= Judaism class; 12:00= Homework: D&C; 1:00= D&C class; 3:00= Study D&C; 4:30= D&C Exam; 6:30= Study Judaism; 7:30= Judaism exam; 9:00= Go home and pack, sleep

Okay good. I have everything figured out now. I might not be able to see the movie on Monday anymore since I'm meeting at 4 to go to Death Cab. But we shall see! (If I can't go to the movie then I'll be able to do more homework anyway...)

Hello New Blog. Welcome to the World (wide web).

I'm slightly concerned that this blog will become just like my original blog: a space where I vent and sound like a whiney little brat who doesn't know even the beginning of suffering. And while I understand that people actually DO have life harder than I have it, this realization doesn't make me change my mind on complaining to the whole world how ABSOLUTELY, DREADFULLY INTENSE my pain is.

I've been meaning to write in this blog since I created it last Tuesday for my creative writing class. I've since dropped the class and left the blog desolate. But no longer! I am planting words into this vast emptiness. (I am not, however, reclaiming that class. I was a fool to even consider it to begin with. Seeing how it's a three hour credit course that deals with intensive writing and reading. While I love writing and reading, I think I would've been setting myself up for another nervous breakdown taking that course. In all honesty, I think the class is going to brilliant and great. I know I would've read amazing things and learned even more amazing things. But as I was signed up for other courses, I really doubted in my ability to handle the course load. I think I will be better off taking it during a major semester.) Wow, that was a long parenthetical statement. And I think this paragraph is done now.

My social anxiety is what I'd like to describe as the supreme hindrance to my emotional well-being. Although I suppose my social anxiety is caused by my pathetic emotional well-being. What a sucky predicament.

I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.

I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.

It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.

I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.