Hello New Blog. Welcome to the World (wide web).

I'm slightly concerned that this blog will become just like my original blog: a space where I vent and sound like a whiney little brat who doesn't know even the beginning of suffering. And while I understand that people actually DO have life harder than I have it, this realization doesn't make me change my mind on complaining to the whole world how ABSOLUTELY, DREADFULLY INTENSE my pain is.

I've been meaning to write in this blog since I created it last Tuesday for my creative writing class. I've since dropped the class and left the blog desolate. But no longer! I am planting words into this vast emptiness. (I am not, however, reclaiming that class. I was a fool to even consider it to begin with. Seeing how it's a three hour credit course that deals with intensive writing and reading. While I love writing and reading, I think I would've been setting myself up for another nervous breakdown taking that course. In all honesty, I think the class is going to brilliant and great. I know I would've read amazing things and learned even more amazing things. But as I was signed up for other courses, I really doubted in my ability to handle the course load. I think I will be better off taking it during a major semester.) Wow, that was a long parenthetical statement. And I think this paragraph is done now.

My social anxiety is what I'd like to describe as the supreme hindrance to my emotional well-being. Although I suppose my social anxiety is caused by my pathetic emotional well-being. What a sucky predicament.

I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.

I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.

It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.

I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.