hi.

EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

Homecoming is the same week as OcTubafest.

Yes, this is a dilemma.

This

I've found something I want. This is what I want.

Let's make it happen, guys.

Last night after he left

Carly: Who was that?
Me: My exboyfriend.
Carly: The exboyfriend?
Me: The exboyfriend.
Carly: What's going on? You were so happy.
Me: I don't know.

Listening to my mix formerly known as "Best of the Best to Get Me Depressed." I thought the title was clever (and appropriate) but Brenden had me rename it "Nostalgia" which doesn't work quite as well as the original title but I'll deal with it.

I wish I was more than who I am.

Today we matched.

Today I saw a pirate. Or at least someone taking notes on fashion from a pirate. And then I saw Myles England. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Last night I finally climbed into bed around midnight. Audrey and I stayed up talking until around 1:45 AM. That was exciting. We were both really tired but at the same time still unable to sleep. We talked about anything that came to mind. Seriously it was one of the most random conversations I've ever had (probably a result of both of us being so tired). We talked about patriarchal blessings, our future husbands (plural only in the sense that there are two of us), responsibilities of fathers, becoming mothers, aliens, the Atonement, how awesome the gospel is, temples (the Houston Temple specifically), families, death, grandparents, eternal marriage, ghosts, what we speculate the pre-existence was like, haunted houses, phobias, childhood memories and everything in between. The last time I had really spoken to any girl like that was in middle school.

Around 1 AM Audrey thought she heard a knock on the front door. She got out of bed to go check it out. Thinking the only logical explanation for a knock at 1 AM on the front door of a college apartment was a murderer waiting outside to attack his victim (remember, I was tired), I figured I'd better go save Audrey. I climbed out of bed and quickly scanned my bedroom for items that could be used as potential weapons. Finding nothing I wrapped myself in my blanket, grabbed my bear, Thomas, and went to see if Audrey was about to be murdered. (Guys, I am dead serious. Those were my actual thoughts. I have to admit being slightly crazy does make life more interesting sometimes.) I scared the crap out of Audrey when she saw me approaching- this hunched over mass of human, blanket, and teddy bear. She literally fell to the floor and stayed there laughing until she was able to catch her breath again. It was fantastic. Oh yeah, there was no one at the door.

I went to the grocery store with my roommate Carly yesterday and on the way home we were talking about me volunteering at the Utah State Hospital. I pointed out to her that we lived within walking distance which is really handy for me since I probably won't have a ride every week I volunteer. Upon further thought of this "convenience" of proximity, I realized that perhaps I shouldn't feel so reassured.

I got my TB test today. It's kinda inconvenient. I have to figure out a way to get to the health center before two o'clock and then back to campus before three. It's totally doable if I run across campus right after my New Testament class then I can get to the health center around 1:15 and hope they don't take too long so I can take the bus back at 1:36. If I miss that bus then I have to walk back. I don't want to walk back during the freaking hottest time of the day although I don't know what difference it would make. I would already be all sweaty from running there earlier anyway. Stupid stupid TB test.

Tonight I'm going to Fall Fest with Audrey and Matt. They're probably going up to the hot springs tonight too. They keep trying to convince me to go but I know my mom won't let me. And I keep telling them this. I was going to go up to the hot springs during the summer term but neither of my parents wanted me to go then. I doubt they've since changed their minds. Really, I'm 21 years old and I can make my own decisions. But not only am I really tired but I also try my best to respect my parents even though I'm a big kid now. Mostly I'm just really tired.

OH MAN. I am so tired.

Ohman. Missy and I are totally going to the silent movie on Halloween.

And I'm listening to Enigma's album The Screen Behind the Mirror. Check it out. Sadly but interestingly, this album provided my first exposure to Carmina Burana. It's been a long, long time since I've listened to them. Some of Red Spectral's music which I've been listening to a lot lately reminded me of them.

Also, I'm going to a weird concert next week. I better be able to get a ride home.

I did it.

Yesterday I did something I said I would never do.

I did. I did.

In an effort to save money, I purchased Grandma bread. This morning I have suffered some consequences of that decision. This will continue until that loaf is gone (or moldy).

Why would I do such a thing?

Thursday

There is always at least one untidy roommate in an apartment. Last night I realized that that roommate is me. I'm the untidy roommate! As I went to throw something away in the kitchen trash can I realized the bag was full. I proceeded to empty the trash can so I could put a new bag in. I had absolutely no intention of actually taking the trash to the dumpster. All I wanted was a place to throw my empty soda bottle. The process of changing the trash bag was a loud and slightly disturbing one for the girls sitting in the living room watching the traditional chick flick. There was some grunting, a few loud kicks to the trash can and a thud as I fell against the wall after freeing the bag from the can. At this, my roommates sitting on the couch turned around and one commented on what a "sweetie" I was for taking out the trash. I almost replied with "Oh, I'm not taking out the trash; I'm just changing the bags," but I realized there was no way I couldn't take out the trash after being called a "sweetie" under the assumption that I was taking out the trash. Really not my fault at all that she assumed as much, even so I smiled and said thanks, grabbed the trash bag and an empty pizza box and walked out the door.

Today I had my first office hour where I actually helped people. WHOA. Grading should be fun.

I hung out in the JFSB for most of the morning today except for when I broke one of the vending machines and ventured outside to find another vending machine that had muffins. I just realized how sad that is. I mean, the whole fact that I went in search of a vending machine that had muffins. Anyway, I was walking out of the Talmage building and heading towards the JKB because apparently math majors don't like muffins or vending machines that vend them when I walked past this dude named Craig Meister. I didn't recognize him. He recognized me. And that event alone was enough to make my day. People don't remember me. How did this guy remember me when the last time I saw him was over four years ago for a BYU summer program that lasted a little less than a week? He had just gotten back from his mission in Greece. It was really exciting to run into him. (Also: I saw a girl who I hung out with from that same program today as I was running late to a TA meeting who did not seem to show any sign of recognition as we made eye contact. Weird, right?)

Audrey totally freaks out about super cute kids too! That's exciting. We both "awww-ed" at this kid in some commercial just now and it made me really happy to realize that there are people who go just as crazy as I do when they see really cute kids.

OH MY GOODNESS MY ROOMMATES ARE AWESOME. (Not paying a water bill is also awesome. Just a random thought as I listen to my third load of dishes in the dishwasher tonight.) Carly (the one who called me a "sweetie") wants to add a music major. She wants to do jazz vocal stuff which is freaking awesome. I'm really excited because she has agreed to be my jazz concert buddy! Audrey and I are going to a percussion recital in a few weeks! And Sarah has an AC/DC song for her ringtone! Yay for roommates who appreciate music!

Okay. Dinner group went well tonight. WHAT?! I enjoyed it. I met new people and they were nice (again, WHAT?!). I don't know if I'll be able to do it almost every day every week though. We'll see. I like food. I got curry leftovers from yesterday's dinner. It's good.

It's 12:34 in Texas right now. Time for bed.

I NEED TO READ THE GOSPELS AND A BOOK ON JUDAISM. Fun stuff!

(Oh, I think it is worth noting that I am now a proud owner of a lighter. And I did not eat a single chicken sandwich today.)

Yeah.

My upper body is sore and burned. My left arm itches like crazy. But I'm still alive. Hope you're happy.

Monday while I was sobbing on the phone to my father, a friend called and took me to Seven Peaks for free and then to his family's house for hamburgers and hot dogs. It was a good distraction. Hopefully things like that will be more than distractions soon. Hopefully they'll actually be enjoyable.

Yesterday for my birthday I woke up around 7:30, walked to school, ate an english muffin for breakfast, read for my research class, did my office hour, tried to go to devotional but it was packed already, read for abnormal psych class, tried to go see Larita about my work hours and failed since it was her lunch break, read for abnormal psych class, ate a hot pocket (yes, a hot pocket) and sour gummy worms and drank an orange soda, thank you BYU vending, went to the Human Development lecture (it's strange sitting in a class and not actually having to pay attention), got on a bus and went home. At home I tried to do more reading for my research class but ended up taking a nap instead. Hey look guys! I'm still functioning!

I went bowling last night. With Lucinda, George, Adam, Scott, Audrey, Sarah, and Matt. It was good. My roommates and I are going on a road trip to Las Vegas sometime. We're also going country dancing (WHAT?!). Tomorrow I'm cooking for twelve people. I stole some free pizza for cinnamon tree residents yesterday.

Not sure what's going on. I'm not going to write him anymore. At least until he actually gets out or until I can manage to write something that doesn't say, ohgoshineedyousomuchrightnow. I still know his classes and where he's going and when some of his performances are. But I have to ignore that knowledge. Well most of it at least. I cannot see him at all until I have gotten this under control. I don't want to even run into him on campus anymore.

School seems slightly more doable than it did on Sunday. Slightly. I'll try not to fail all of my classes.

My dad is coming up to see me.

Quote.

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
-Sylvia Plath

Yesterday

Mom: If Carly didn't go to the gallery stroll, who are you there with?
Me: Brenden.
Mom: ...What? I thought- Hold on. I guess you'll explain it to me tomorrow.

Me: (I wish I could but I don't know what to do or what's happening. I'm afraid nothing is happening. There won't be anything to explain tomorrow.)

I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Can we just skip it? Although people tend to rejoice at miracles and the fact that I'm still alive is a miracle. I don't know how my organs can take it. They're very nice. They seem to know the next day won't be as bad as the current. They seem to forget that it's a cycle and eventually the next day will be as bad as that one or even worse.

I've been averaging about one minor breakdown a year since eighth grade, where I question everything about my life, about where it's going, about what it's good for, where I completely give up on the Lord, where I wish that people could read my mind.

I locked myself in a bathroom stall yesterday for an hour and a half and cried. People would walk in and out and no one knew. Or maybe they could hear my quiet sobs but they didn't know what to do and so they pretended not to hear. I started crying in the Wilk while trying to eat a ridiculously expensive lunch. When the tears wouldn't stop I threw away the three quarters remaining of my food and left.

I missed my first class of Judaism yesterday.

I have a really hard time believing I'll ever graduate. I just don't think I'll get there. I really do not believe I am capable of completing all the coursework without causing severe harm to myself. It's so easy to hurt yourself. You think it matters to no one else. Somewhere in your guilt-ridden mind you do understand how much you can destroy others by destroying yourself. At least I understand. However, I believe that some other people really don't. Maybe that's why I'm scared to get close to people. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of commitment. Because I don't want to disappoint, to destroy anyone else.

I cannot handle this.

I have nowhere to cry anymore.

I have a constant headache. It's so hard to sleep. I don't want to eat. I cannot focus on anything.

Holy crap. I want some Xanax. Maybe I should get back on antidepressants. This is just like my first semester at BYU except it's worse. I can't do that again. I can't go through that again.

And I'm crying for things that I tell others to do without crying.

Somedays aren't yours at all.

Day 4 of school. Day 3 of work. Day 2 of remembering to apply antiperspirant since school started. Day 1 of remembering to bring my debit card to school. Day 1 of FORGETTING my cell phone. Eventually I'll get it all right.

I went to a TA training meeting again today. This one was for all TAs in the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences. I saw Heather, my TA from Nelson's class this past spring term, and I sat with Hannah, another new TA who is TAing for the same lecture I am. The meeting was about discrimination and harassment and avoiding it. I wonder if what I've been doing lately counts as harassment. It has to be unwelcome to be considered harassment. I don't think it's unwelcome... Haha, not to worry. I'm not actually harassing anyone. It's just kinda funny to think that under other circumstances what I've done lately could get me into big trouble.

So I realized that if I sit with my neck turned a certain way I get a little disoriented when I straighten it back out.

Yesterday around 2 PM I began feeling a little dizzy and the feeling stayed with me all through the evening until I finally went to bed which I actually struggled with a lot because I'm really good at staying awake when I'm tired and depressed. And even though I couldn't sleep I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to meet my roommate's friends in my living room. Eventually I did fall asleep and was then woken up by my phone ringing. It was 10:20 PM and for whatever reason I immediately thought it was Brenden calling me. (Perhaps it was because I had gone to bed depressed thinking of Brenden.) My disappointment was evident in my voice as I spoke to my father on the other line. I had been able to pass off that disappointment as grogginess/annoyance at having been woken up. I wish I had told him how I felt. Oh well.

Sleep has the effect of erasing those lines drawn between reality and dreams. Or rather how we discern them. And for those brief moments before dreams envelop you or reality fully consumes you, you truly believe anything is possible. And then you either dream of things that aren't real and it doesn't matter what seemed possible or you get up and face reality and redraw those lines even more bold and in Sharpie in the hopes that sleep won't erase them again and leave you feeling so disappointed when you wake up.

The only groceries I've purchased since I've gotten back is a bag of salad and box of cereal bars from the creamery. I've tried thinking of things I need to buy but I can't think of anything I want to eat or cook or anything so I haven't found the need to actually go grocery shopping yet. I guess I can't survive on donuts and salad forever. Especially when the Cougareat is closed. I am running out of detergent, though.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm already behind in my classes. Maybe it's the transition from spring and summer terms to another major semester, going from taking only 2 or 3 classes at one time to taking 6 and beginning a new job. Whatever it is, I don't like it and I want to just quit everything. But I can't quit everything because I have to do something and I can only think of one thing I want to do. (I don't even want to sleep. How bizarre is that?) All I want to do is sit around and write a lot about how much I don't want to do anything and think about how much I wish I could write better than I do.

Okay I guess that's not the only thing I want to do. I want to be with him, too.

Honestly,
Is that too much to ask?

Crash.

Okay. So Brenden made the Philharmonic Orchestra? I'm really happy for him! At the same time I'm incredibly bummed that I cannot celebrate with him. Like so bummed in fact that I'm about ready to cry. Holy crap. Congratulations, Brenden! I'm planning on going to his performances. I probably shouldn't feel this bad when I should be so happy for him. I am so happy for him. So why am I crying now?

I want to be there for him. I want to be there with him.

I thought I was fine. Why does this hurt so much?

I'm feeling so horrible right now. I knew a crash was coming. I always know a crash is coming whenever I feel good. It happens every time. I can't feel good or happy or excited about anything without worrying about how soon it will be until I feel crappy. I mean I guess that's life. Except that this happiness and crappiness is somewhere between normal and bipolar. Definitely not bipolar but definitely not normal either.

It started tonight in my Abnormal Psychology class. I began to feel unsure of everything I was doing. Nothing felt right anymore. I want to go home but I don't have one. I don't have a place I call home anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do at all. This is so bad.

This is so bad.

Hey Look! It's September!

Today was day one of TA madness. I got to school around 8:30 and went to the office in the JSFB to turn in my TA form. The lady explained a million different things at once and handed me a little booklet and said thank you which I assumed meant we were done and it was time for me to leave. I took it and was incredibly grateful to realize that the booklet covered everything that she had quickly tried explaining to me. I still had to get another form filled out before I could officially start working. I went to the Student Employment office to fill that out and they told me I needed my Social Security card, Passport, or Birth Certificate before I could fill it out. Thankfully my mother gave me my Birth Certificate before I left for school this semester because I need to get a Passport sometime soon. I called Audrey, my roommate, who was still at the apartment and she got it for me and brought it when she came to campus. I got back in line at the Student Employment office. This line was way longer than when I had gone earlier in the morning. This line was so long that I was in it for an hour and the people working there set up a movie (Tale of Despereaux, to be exact) for the people in line to watch while they waited. I got it filled out though, just in time to grab lunch with Nielson and then head over to the SFL TA Office so I could do my first office hour of the semester. I met the Head TA, Jessi, whose inbox I've been flooding with questions ever since she sent out the first email to all TAs. She seems really nice and I'm excited to work with her. I met another TA who is also brand new, Hannah from Fort Worth. She and I will be TA-ing for the same lecture. I went to the first lecture today and got to stand in the front at the podium and talk into a microphone to 300 students about myself. I really hope I won't have to do too much of that but I guess it's good to have to step outside my comfort zone every now and then. Still, I'd like to avoid that as much as possible.

I have to get a TB test before I can volunteer at Utah State Hospital. I just arranged that for 9:50 AM on my BIRTHDAY. Why? Because that is the soonest I can have one done and the sooner I get one done, the sooner I can volunteer. I wanted to get one this Friday but I can't because the clinic won't be open on Monday so they wouldn't be able to check it. Booooooo. I want to get everything done as soon as I can so I can get my schedule all worked out. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I'm still in a frenzy trying to figure out my schedule and work out homework time, sleeping time, eating time, working time, etc. Oh, and social time, too. If it fits.

I walked to Chadder's with Sarah, one of my roommates, tonight for a burger and fries. It was good and I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She can get me into rock climbing for free anytime and she even said we could get our whole FHE group to go rock climbing sometime for FHE. She works at Color me mine and she could get us major discounts if we wanted to go there for FHE also. Also for one of Audrey's classes she needs to plan parties (kinda cool, right?) so I'm totally giving her free reign for FHE sometime this semester.

So my official work hours are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have an office hour at 12-1 on Tuesday and go to the Human Development lecture at 1:35- 2:50 that day. Then I have a TA meeting on Thursday at 11 and another office hour at 1-2. My Tuesday hours kinda suck because I don't think I'll have time to go to devotional at the Marriott Center and get back in time to work. I'll probably just watch it at the Varsity Theater again this semester.

I decided that I really miss the HFAC. I don't have any classes there this semester and though I didn't have any classes there this whole summer, I still went there a lot with Brenden. I miss sitting on the benches outside and waiting for Brenden to come pick me up after class. So I went there today. I was actually walking through the HFAC to get to the MOA and sit outside there but I stopped and walked out onto the area towards the JKB and ASB and read scriptures there until Audrey came with my stuff for my I-9 form. It was really nice. It was still in the morning around 9ish so it wasn't hot and there weren't a lot of people walking in and out at that entrance. I don't know if I'll make reading there a regular thing though because that increases the likelihood of running into Brenden and I almost feel like that's cheating somehow. .. Yeah, I don't know. I'm weird.

Audrey, Carly (another of my roommates) and I joined a dinner group. !!! I'm feeling very wary of this whole thing just because it's kinda a commitment and I don't really like commitments on top of other commitments. Plus I'll have to provide dinner for people. Which means I'll have to cook and other people will have to eat it. Eleven other people to be exact. AND it's Monday- Thursday. Am I psycho? I want to be more social. Is this a good way to do it? I really hope this doesn't end up being insanely stressful or crappy or anything. I at least know three people in it- Audrey, Carly, and Darrell (the dude that invited us to do it). Oh man, I hope this doesn't suck. Haha