Day 4 of school. Day 3 of work. Day 2 of remembering to apply antiperspirant since school started. Day 1 of remembering to bring my debit card to school. Day 1 of FORGETTING my cell phone. Eventually I'll get it all right.
I went to a TA training meeting again today. This one was for all TAs in the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences. I saw Heather, my TA from Nelson's class this past spring term, and I sat with Hannah, another new TA who is TAing for the same lecture I am. The meeting was about discrimination and harassment and avoiding it. I wonder if what I've been doing lately counts as harassment. It has to be unwelcome to be considered harassment. I don't think it's unwelcome... Haha, not to worry. I'm not actually harassing anyone. It's just kinda funny to think that under other circumstances what I've done lately could get me into big trouble.
So I realized that if I sit with my neck turned a certain way I get a little disoriented when I straighten it back out.
Yesterday around 2 PM I began feeling a little dizzy and the feeling stayed with me all through the evening until I finally went to bed which I actually struggled with a lot because I'm really good at staying awake when I'm tired and depressed. And even though I couldn't sleep I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to meet my roommate's friends in my living room. Eventually I did fall asleep and was then woken up by my phone ringing. It was 10:20 PM and for whatever reason I immediately thought it was Brenden calling me. (Perhaps it was because I had gone to bed depressed thinking of Brenden.) My disappointment was evident in my voice as I spoke to my father on the other line. I had been able to pass off that disappointment as grogginess/annoyance at having been woken up. I wish I had told him how I felt. Oh well.
Sleep has the effect of erasing those lines drawn between reality and dreams. Or rather how we discern them. And for those brief moments before dreams envelop you or reality fully consumes you, you truly believe anything is possible. And then you either dream of things that aren't real and it doesn't matter what seemed possible or you get up and face reality and redraw those lines even more bold and in Sharpie in the hopes that sleep won't erase them again and leave you feeling so disappointed when you wake up.
The only groceries I've purchased since I've gotten back is a bag of salad and box of cereal bars from the creamery. I've tried thinking of things I need to buy but I can't think of anything I want to eat or cook or anything so I haven't found the need to actually go grocery shopping yet. I guess I can't survive on donuts and salad forever. Especially when the Cougareat is closed. I am running out of detergent, though.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm already behind in my classes. Maybe it's the transition from spring and summer terms to another major semester, going from taking only 2 or 3 classes at one time to taking 6 and beginning a new job. Whatever it is, I don't like it and I want to just quit everything. But I can't quit everything because I have to do something and I can only think of one thing I want to do. (I don't even want to sleep. How bizarre is that?) All I want to do is sit around and write a lot about how much I don't want to do anything and think about how much I wish I could write better than I do.
Okay I guess that's not the only thing I want to do. I want to be with him, too.
Honestly,
Is that too much to ask?
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