Yesterday

Mom: If Carly didn't go to the gallery stroll, who are you there with?
Me: Brenden.
Mom: ...What? I thought- Hold on. I guess you'll explain it to me tomorrow.

Me: (I wish I could but I don't know what to do or what's happening. I'm afraid nothing is happening. There won't be anything to explain tomorrow.)

I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Can we just skip it? Although people tend to rejoice at miracles and the fact that I'm still alive is a miracle. I don't know how my organs can take it. They're very nice. They seem to know the next day won't be as bad as the current. They seem to forget that it's a cycle and eventually the next day will be as bad as that one or even worse.

I've been averaging about one minor breakdown a year since eighth grade, where I question everything about my life, about where it's going, about what it's good for, where I completely give up on the Lord, where I wish that people could read my mind.

I locked myself in a bathroom stall yesterday for an hour and a half and cried. People would walk in and out and no one knew. Or maybe they could hear my quiet sobs but they didn't know what to do and so they pretended not to hear. I started crying in the Wilk while trying to eat a ridiculously expensive lunch. When the tears wouldn't stop I threw away the three quarters remaining of my food and left.

I missed my first class of Judaism yesterday.

I have a really hard time believing I'll ever graduate. I just don't think I'll get there. I really do not believe I am capable of completing all the coursework without causing severe harm to myself. It's so easy to hurt yourself. You think it matters to no one else. Somewhere in your guilt-ridden mind you do understand how much you can destroy others by destroying yourself. At least I understand. However, I believe that some other people really don't. Maybe that's why I'm scared to get close to people. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of commitment. Because I don't want to disappoint, to destroy anyone else.