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I had been set on marriage and family therapy. That's what I was going to do. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was an attempt to hold onto an old dream I had.

Time to re-evaluate: What am I passionate about? Where can I best use my talents?

People. I really do love people. I'm really shy but I do care about people. Actually, I care about them quite a bit.

So I'm considering social work (not that there aren't a number of other professions where people can show their love for people). There are so many things I could do with a MSW that involve helping others. In the process of researching social work programs I found something that sounded really awesome. A dual degree program for a masters of social work and public health! There are actually a few schools I've looked at that offer that option. It would take the same amount of time as a MFT program would take (3 years) and it sounds twentymillion times more like something I can be excited about. I think it's definitely something that deserves my attention.

December 31st, 2009

My, what a year it's been.

I love school. I really do. As much as I complain about it, I really do love it. Kinda like my family...

This semester I volunteered twice a week, held a job, and still managed to pull off all A's. A freakin' 4.0 GPA.

Since I came back to BYU in January I've taken 17 classes and gotten 14 A's and 3 A-'s. I'm anticipating next semester to be more difficult but I am so excited and I am so ready.

Let's just think of a few things that happened this year.
I moved back to Utah and started back at BYU.
I met President Monson.
I made an awesome new friend who is now my roommate.
I was accepted to be part of a research team in Seattle.
I got a job as a TA and then got another job as another TA.
I did well in school.
I went on my first cruise.
And finally,
I got a big answer to a small prayer:
I'm going on a mission!

I spoke with my bishop the Sunday before exams and he said we'll start on papers sometime around February or March so I'll get my call before I go to Seattle but my availability date will be sometime in September.

School- Internship- Mission!
Here's to 2010!

School

I haven't officially added a Psychology minor yet but I'm pretty sure I'm going to.

I'm thinking I want to add a Gerontology minor too...

It's Happened...

I've become one of those people.

You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind of person who becomes so hysteric that she practically shouts over the person trying to comfort her. That was me. Just earlier. Crying and yelling over the phone while my lungs struggled for air in short, loud, shallow breaths. That was me. Cutting off my parents with shouts of "There's nothing I can do!" and "I don't understand what he meant!" as they tried consoling me.

I deleted the message. The harsh bluntness with which you wrote couldn't possibly have been what you wanted to convey. I deleted it almost immediately. Read it once, twice, three times total and deleted it. It would've been hard to remember what you said last night if I kept that message with me. It's the ending note that lingers at the end of a performance. That's the one stuck in people's heads as they exit the hall. I want to try erasing it just enough so I understand there's nothing I can do to change it while at the same time remembering your hope, your kindness.

This is it, I guess.

It's really over.

Quote

"Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may exist but you have ceased to live."
-Henry David Thoreau

This was the quote I put in my senior yearbook under my picture. I really don't know what I was talking about. Did I even have dreams or aspirations then? If I did, I've totally forgotten them now.

I didn't go grocery shopping. I won't have food to eat this week.

I missed my three lecture periods for statistics last week which means I've missed a total of six lessons of new material. Monday is my last statistics class period and exams are Wednesday and Thursday.

I missed one of my D&C classes last week as well. At least I'm still caught up in the reading for that class.

I canceled a therapy appointment scheduled for last Wednesday. That was when I had decided I was beyond help.

I cleaned my room a bit today to get ready for my new roommate. I feel bad that her side of the room has the broken bookshelf. I feel like I ought to switch.

I have church tomorrow. And Brenden is going to call me in the afternoon to tell me what's going on. EDIT (08/09/09): Brenden is going to TEXT me in the afternoon to tell me he's not going to talk to me again.

Sometimes I get angry.

end.

destroy destroy destroy.

everything comes in threes.

ready to catapult into oblivion.
firing mindless words from my bow.
flaming shelters offer no haven.
nothing is free anymore.

this is how it will end.
falling into a vast nothing
with arms flailing, reaching,
trying to grasp anything and

failing.

School

I've officially changed my major to Family Life with an emphasis in Human Development and am currently working on my family core courses. My schedule for spring term includes Introduction to Family Processes, Strengthening Marriage and Family, and Living Prophets. Strengthening Marriage and Family is entirely based on the Proclamation on the family which I found to be very interesting. The course was created after President Boyd K. Packer told BYU faculty to do so. There's a course with the same name in the religion department that isn't quite as focused on the research that supports the Proclamation as the one in the School of Family Life is. I'm really enjoying it.

I'm really enjoying all three of my classes this term and feel very content with my choice of a major. However, though I feel content with what I've chosen, I don't like when people ask me my major and I wonder if I should say "Family Life" or not because I'm afraid that the person will immediately dismiss me as being un-academic (?) or something of the sort. I don't want those people to think "Oh, she came here to get married" because I feel like that's often the impression others not in the school of family life have of those in it. (Also, what's wrong with the goal of getting married? Isn't marriage and having a family necessary for the Plan of Salvation, which is, afterall, what we're here for?) People don't understand that Family Sciences are an actual field of research. (Side-note: BYU was named the No.1 producer of family therapy research in the nation. ) With a Family Life major you can have an emphasis in Human Development or Marriage and Family Studies or Home and Family Living. People immediately assume that a Family Life major means Home and Family Living which obviously means that a female in the major came to BYU just to get married which means they're not as smart as someone in another major like biology or physics. I somewhat understand that assumption, I think it's very wrong, but I can understand where it stems from it's just that I hate feeling like I ought to distinguish myself as someone who came to college to actually get an education. No one in any other school probably has to deal with that as much as Family Life majors. Every time I tell someone I'm majoring in Family Life I feel the need to further explain myself "I'm a family life major with an emphasis in human development. I'm planning on going on to graduate school to get my master's. Then I'm hoping to get a job as a marriage and family therapist. I'm still considering the possibility of furthering my education to earn a PhD." I shouldn't feel that much explanation is necessary to avoid misconceptions. Maybe I just shouldn't worry about misconceptions and let people think what they want. But I really wish that, if nowhere else, at least at BYU where most students have a knowledge and testimony of the Plan of Salvation, people wouldn't discredit studying the family.

Sorry about that ramble. Just something I was thinking about today that was triggered by some strangers I was walking in front of whose conversation really bothered me.

In other news, my grades for winter semester were fantastic! It's evidence for me that, HEY! I CAN DO THIS COLLEGE THING!
Intro to Music: A (fills a GE requirement)
HEPE: A (finishes a GE requirement)
World Religions: A (fills GE + Religion requirement)
Human Development: A (major core course)
Biology: A- (GE)
Book of Mormon: A- (religion requirement)
I haven't gotten all As and A-s since middle school (stupid high school math classes)! So my semester GPA is a 3.9! Woohoo!

Winter Semester 2009

I am happy.

Very happy.

Note:

I can enjoy being around people who are not like me but I cannot be anyone other than myself.

This is a time of self-discovery. Why is it so hard?

stop #1: provo, utah

My eyes sting. A big issue with such a small living space is the lack of ventilation. My mom was frying something for dinner tonight and my eyes began to sting and there wasn't much I could do about it inside. So now I'm sitting on the balcony of our condo, I can smell cigarette smoke and hear the water falling from the mushroom in the pool. I'm wearing green shorts, a yellow cursive shirt, pink flip flops and a comfy, much too large BYU Cougar sweater. I have my Death Cab songs on shuffle (currently Expo '86). The wireless signal is much stronger out here. I might be spending more time outside now. :)

After all the complications of sending in my final portion of the BYU application, I have been readmitted and will be going back in January. By some miracle, my friend that I was planning on rooming with for this Fall semester has an empty room in her current apartment. I called the apartment complex today and filled out an application. They said I should be able to room with her, no problem. I am very excited.

After I'd read that I'd been readmitted, I told my parents. My father said congratulations and good job while my mother proceeded to jump up and down very excitedly and wake everyone else up in the condo (it was about 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning). She asked me if I was excited since I appeared to be showing no real excitement whatsoever which is how I tend to react to a lot of things that would cause others to jump up and down. (It's one reason why surprise parties aren't the best things for me. I don't get that excited about them and others can see that and they're disappointed and everyone's sad. Or I feign excitement and feel really awkward.) While I am excited to be moving away and on my own again, I'm not sure I can say I'm really "excited" about BYU. I'm incredibly grateful to be going back. And perhaps my feelings of excitement are merely blanketed by my intense gratitude.

I took forgranted my experience at BYU the first time around. I did not try hard at all. I didn't want to be there to begin with. When I realized I probably couldn't go back, I had more feelings of loss and confusion than I could comprehend. Since learning of my readmission to the university, I've found myself holding back tears of gratitude each time I've thought about BYU. I couldn't believe they readmitted me. Me! A girl they'd given a scholarship to who didn't attend most of her Church meetings, who barely pulled off a 3.0 GPA fall semester, then dropped all of her classes winter semester, then dropped all of her classes again spring term before actually being dismissed from the university. Can you imagine the amazement I experienced at reading my application status: "Winter 2009: Admitted"? A single word relieving all of my fears and doubts, answering all of my questions about my near future, freeing my mind of anxiety, providing that evidence I so earnestly sought, the evidence that I was doing something right, that my efforts were making a difference. Wow.

I'd read a quote somewhere, I'm pretty sure it was by Neal A. Maxwell, that went along the lines of this: "We should surrender our wills to our Savior, not out of fear, but out of immense gratitude for the sacrifice He made for us." How very true! If we understood just a tiny bit of what the Atonement means, of what our Savior did for us, there is no way we wouldn't be trying our best to follow the commandments.

I don't quite know how to repay my Savior and Heavenly Father for this second chance I have at Brigham Young University except to study hard, involve myself, and stick to the Honor Code while doing my best to reach out to others who might need me. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I think I'm actually in a position to do that now. Before I was so incredibly selfish, so self-centered, so unaware of those around me who could've used my friendship. I pray that I can be a better person this time around.

Yesterday at Church after Sacrament meeting, I went up to Bishop and gave him a hug. I then told him I was readmitted to BYU. He pulled me into another hug. It's nice to know how much he cares about me. This whole process helped me realize just how much our leaders truly care about us. I told Brother Nance about it as well. He gave me a nice big hug (I love his hugs) and then got a little choked up as he told me thank you and that I have been such a good example for him. Me? An example for the first counselor in the bishopric? I love Brother Nance. He's been like another father to me. He was the first bishop I can remember having. He and Sister Nance have always been there for my family, always been there for me. To think that he'd consider me an example, is overwhelming. These people that I look up to, some of them look up to me too. It only makes me want to be better.

I only want to be better.