I have no sanctuary.

I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album Narrow Stairs. I just closed my eyes (Yes I can type with my eyes closed) and I'm trying to imagine that I'm back in my dorm room in Heritage listening to this CD when I first got it. It's a little hard. Eyes open again.

I was told that I could go back to BYU when it appeared as though I was ready. Which means there is an actual chance that I would be going back. I love/d BYU, don't get me wrong. That place was amazing for me. But I'm back home now and I don't feel like I will ever go back. I fear it was a very temporary place for me. I wish I had spent more time outside. Simply being outside gives me a sense of freedom and space that I will never experience here at my home. I wouldn't mind sitting out on one of the jetties in the evening. But if I tell my mom I'm going to sit on the beach she'll ask me why, what for, where, how long, and having to give reason for my meditation seems to destroy it for me. And so I will lie in my bed with my computer on my lap since my desk is completely cluttered with my sister's things. I will walk back and forth from my bedroom to our living room. I don't want to read anything. I don't have any paintbrushes. I don't have my paper. I don't even have a key to my own home so if I wanted to take a walk somewhere I wouldn't be able to get back in. I don't have car keys and even if I did gas is so ridiculously expensive that my normally relaxing drives would only stress me more.

It's easy to be depressed now that I'm back at home. I love my family. They are great and supportive and caring. But sometimes they smother me. And when we are all cramped in this tiny little house with no rooms for any privacy except bathrooms it gets a little chaotic. I'm glad I got my job back at the library. That job was rather medicinal for me. A somewhat strange safe haven. The Dewey Decimal System provides me with a sense structure that no one can disrupt.

I just had an interesting idea. Maybe I will become a librarian. If working in a library is the only job I was able to keep for more than a few weeks perhaps I should consider it more seriously or at least consider something with a similar work environment.

It's 3:35. I should start peeling some potatoes.

Oh my goodness, someone save me.