Personal reflections

I registered for my classes for my last semester at BYU last night.  I'll be applying for graduation soon (as soon as I decide what name I want my diploma to read.)

I feel like so much time has passed since I first came to BYU but on the same line I feel like it went by incredibly fast.  It's strange that I can reminisce about things and those things include my time at BYU.  It's strange to me that that is now my past.

And I wonder what I've done with these last four years, three of them enrolled at BYU.  It's no lie they were eventful.  It's just... I wonder what I have to show for them.  Sure, by December, I'll be married and by April, I'll have a diploma in hand.  And, yes, those are freakin' MAJOR things.  And yet, I wonder what I've accomplished in my time here.  What have I done to personally develop myself, my talents, my strengths? 

I have locked myself into a purely academic mode though this mode is not even as focused on academics as it should be.  And because I've locked myself into this mode, I am now experiencing the insecurities that I've suppressed which will surface louder and angrier than before as I get closer and closer to graduation.  What do I even enjoy?  I've found fulfillment in my academic success.  Where will I find this fulfillment when I'm no longer in school?  I can shove those insecurities back under the covers for a bit longer by applying to and enrolling in graduate school.  But its those same insecurities forcing me to rethink graduate school.  Where will I find personal fulfillment after I've graduated?  I don't know.  Continue on to graduate school?  What will I study there?  What is it that I am interested in?  What do I write for my application essay?  "I'm interested in your program because I really just didn't want to stop going to school.  Accept me please so I don't have to deal with my insecurities too intensely right now."

In addition to being confused about future plans, sometimes I just get sad.  In winter it's more prevalent, more obvious.  I wonder if it could be seasonal affective disorder or just a side effect of nearing deadlines of projects, final exams.  However, these feelings aren't unique to my experience in college (with projects and finals), I can recall specific experiences in high school when these feelings were apparent during the winter.  Holidays (particularly Christmastime) have always been a difficult time for me.  I'm usually most depressed during this time and then I add in a good amount of feelings of guilt since I feel like it isn't right for me to be depressed at "the most wonderful time of the year."  

Sometimes I wonder if I should try antidepressants again.  Prozac didn't work for me before so I gave up on it and just struggled through overcoming difficult feelings.  I hear of people having really good experiences with their medications "life is so much brighter," "things seem so much clearer."  They always reference being able to see things better.  At the same time, I don't know if they're really necessary.  I kind of view antidepressants (for myself) as being that life vest you put on when the plane is going down and you are about to land in a big thing called an ocean.  You can't do anything about the crash all you can do is try to keep yourself afloat.  I don't think I'm heading towards a crash so I'll keep that life vest out of sight.   
 
I'm not feeling overwhelmed.  It's more a feeling of defeat, though defeat to what I don't really know.  This post isn't necessarily a post to whine or seek comfort (and if it was this was a poor venue because there are a whole five or six people who read/know about this blog.  I think knowing there are few people that read this blog is what comforts me.  I want to tell the world but at the same time I want to keep it quiet.)  This post is of my personal reflections and questions not my despair. 

A quick to-do list to clear my thoughts:
Finish grading 160 quizzes
Grading 290 quizzes
Grade 290 SPSS assignments
Grade 160 genograms
Grade 160 family flag assignments
Email Russ tomorrow evening about selling contract
Remind Brenden he needs his birth certificate
Decide on picture for wedding invites
Get addresses for wedding invites
Write 480 paper
Write 334 write-up
Read 354 research article
Print off 160 grading rubrics
Read 480
Research internship sites
Study for 480 exam (Tuesday)
Study for 201 exam (Thursday)
Meet with Dr. Bean in the morning
Write Susan

Always, always.  My posts never turn out how I intend them to.