The Circles of Hello

I'm trying to write an assignment on Dante's Divine Comedy and I keep typing in "Hello" instead of "Hell." 

Also, my stomach has a tendency to make really strange noises (outside of the usual loud growls) and right now it keeps making this low rumbling sound.  I feel sorry for the person sitting near me wondering what is going on with my digestive system.   

Work Stress.

When students wonder why their professors are assigning them one major assignment after another, they shouldn't be concerned so much about themselves as they should be about the poor TAs left to grade 760 assignments (not including the 97 that she's gotten behind on because she was too busy putting a review together FOR YOU to succeed on your next exam).

I understand it's frustrating when you're missing grades.  But please(!) understand, TAs are students too and if you're turning in that many assignments for one class (a class of three-freaking-hundred) you'll probably not get your grades back in a week.  GEEZ.

Personal reflections

I registered for my classes for my last semester at BYU last night.  I'll be applying for graduation soon (as soon as I decide what name I want my diploma to read.)

I feel like so much time has passed since I first came to BYU but on the same line I feel like it went by incredibly fast.  It's strange that I can reminisce about things and those things include my time at BYU.  It's strange to me that that is now my past.

And I wonder what I've done with these last four years, three of them enrolled at BYU.  It's no lie they were eventful.  It's just... I wonder what I have to show for them.  Sure, by December, I'll be married and by April, I'll have a diploma in hand.  And, yes, those are freakin' MAJOR things.  And yet, I wonder what I've accomplished in my time here.  What have I done to personally develop myself, my talents, my strengths? 

I have locked myself into a purely academic mode though this mode is not even as focused on academics as it should be.  And because I've locked myself into this mode, I am now experiencing the insecurities that I've suppressed which will surface louder and angrier than before as I get closer and closer to graduation.  What do I even enjoy?  I've found fulfillment in my academic success.  Where will I find this fulfillment when I'm no longer in school?  I can shove those insecurities back under the covers for a bit longer by applying to and enrolling in graduate school.  But its those same insecurities forcing me to rethink graduate school.  Where will I find personal fulfillment after I've graduated?  I don't know.  Continue on to graduate school?  What will I study there?  What is it that I am interested in?  What do I write for my application essay?  "I'm interested in your program because I really just didn't want to stop going to school.  Accept me please so I don't have to deal with my insecurities too intensely right now."

In addition to being confused about future plans, sometimes I just get sad.  In winter it's more prevalent, more obvious.  I wonder if it could be seasonal affective disorder or just a side effect of nearing deadlines of projects, final exams.  However, these feelings aren't unique to my experience in college (with projects and finals), I can recall specific experiences in high school when these feelings were apparent during the winter.  Holidays (particularly Christmastime) have always been a difficult time for me.  I'm usually most depressed during this time and then I add in a good amount of feelings of guilt since I feel like it isn't right for me to be depressed at "the most wonderful time of the year."  

Sometimes I wonder if I should try antidepressants again.  Prozac didn't work for me before so I gave up on it and just struggled through overcoming difficult feelings.  I hear of people having really good experiences with their medications "life is so much brighter," "things seem so much clearer."  They always reference being able to see things better.  At the same time, I don't know if they're really necessary.  I kind of view antidepressants (for myself) as being that life vest you put on when the plane is going down and you are about to land in a big thing called an ocean.  You can't do anything about the crash all you can do is try to keep yourself afloat.  I don't think I'm heading towards a crash so I'll keep that life vest out of sight.   
 
I'm not feeling overwhelmed.  It's more a feeling of defeat, though defeat to what I don't really know.  This post isn't necessarily a post to whine or seek comfort (and if it was this was a poor venue because there are a whole five or six people who read/know about this blog.  I think knowing there are few people that read this blog is what comforts me.  I want to tell the world but at the same time I want to keep it quiet.)  This post is of my personal reflections and questions not my despair. 

A quick to-do list to clear my thoughts:
Finish grading 160 quizzes
Grading 290 quizzes
Grade 290 SPSS assignments
Grade 160 genograms
Grade 160 family flag assignments
Email Russ tomorrow evening about selling contract
Remind Brenden he needs his birth certificate
Decide on picture for wedding invites
Get addresses for wedding invites
Write 480 paper
Write 334 write-up
Read 354 research article
Print off 160 grading rubrics
Read 480
Research internship sites
Study for 480 exam (Tuesday)
Study for 201 exam (Thursday)
Meet with Dr. Bean in the morning
Write Susan

Always, always.  My posts never turn out how I intend them to.

Facebook

I really shouldn't title this blog post Facebook because this is a tiny, tiny fraction of what I have to say about facebook.

It's just a little sad to me when I see under people's profiles "Looking for" section "Friendship."

I know it doesn't (usually) mean what I read it to mean but it just seems so sad.

So many people are looking for friendship. 

//

Work work work work work work work. 
School school school school school school school school.

MY LIFE.

I have a little problem.  I have two papers due and two exams to take next week and no motivation.  COME ON THANKSGIVING.

I have class in 38 minutes.  I got up from an unsuccessful nap 30 minutes ago.  My roommate has a tendency to leave the bedroom door wide open any time I'm sleeping.  This is problematic when I have other roommates who do laundry at 5 in the morning (my bedroom door is across from the washer/dryer).  This is also problematic when I take naps in the middle of the day and I have loud roommates (who talk loudly and excitedly and sing especially loudly).  This is really problematic when I am a light sleeper and even ear plugs fail me.

I accidentally went to Mass yesterday.  It was great.  Like seriously.  Sometimes I really miss my Catholic schools and mandatory attendance at Mass.  Maybe I'll drag Brenden to Midnight Mass this Christmas.  :)

How I've Been Feeling Lately

Exhausted.  Brenden snapped this picture of me at a park in Bellevue where he used to go when he was younger.  We had been walking a lot, it was hot, and I was tired.

I appreciate that I don't have all of my exams on the same week anymore.  I do not appreciate that I'll have an exam like every week until finals though.  No breaks for me.  I read, study, write, grade, and take tests.  I grade too much and read/study/write too little.  At least that's how it feels.  Though apparently, I am reading, studying and writing enough for good grades so I guess it's okay (I got A's on 2 of my last 3 exams and set the curve on the third one).  I just want to devote more time to my studies.  I want to feel prepared when going into a test rather than hoping the time I studied beforehand was enough.  No time, no time.  I really don't know where it goes.

I pulled out the sketchbook and pencils today for some wedding idea sketches.  It was much needed and a lot of fun.  I had been itching to set my ideas down on paper for awhile now and just didn't have the time.  I just need to do a few more sketches, scan them and send them to my mom.

Now a random cute picture I took of Brenden in downtown Seattle.  We are standing outside the Safeco building across the street from the Seattle Public Library.  (We really need to take some more pictures.  We just don't do anything exciting now that we're back in school.)

Mental Illness Myth Rant

I found my social work class today to actually be pretty interesting. (Unfortunately, this is a rarer occasion than I would like.) We had a social worker from Wasatch Mental Health as a guest speaker. He works at the Wasatch House, a clubhouse for those who struggle with mental illness. His presentation was titled "The Stigma of Mental Illness" and a huge part of this presentation was debunking myths of mental illness. A few things I found interesting in his presentation was that only 6500 people are treated for mental illness in Utah County while it is estimated that 50,000 people suffer from mental illness here. Another thing I found interesting was that there are an estimated 44 million people in the United States that suffer from some form of mental illness. That's a lot of people. Most of them are untreated.

He had two friends come to present with him. These friends were from the Wasatch House. One of them suffered from bipolar disorder with psychotic features and the other suffered from major depression and borderline personality disorder. Their stories were incredible and heartwrenching. The person who had depression and borderline personality was a middle aged LDS woman. She said a lot of her struggle came from people not understanding her and herself not understanding that no matter how faithful she was in the Church, her illnesses were real and would not just go away if she were more righteous.

I HATE THAT MYTH. I hate that it is promulgated throughout the Church by faithful but ignorant members who have never suffered from mental illness themselves. I hate that well-meaning friends and family members make problems of mental illness worse because of their ignorance. Encouraging friends suffering from mental illness to read their scriptures, pray, and attend the temple more is good advice. Telling them that is the way to get rid of depression is idiotic. Mental illness is like any other illness- it is a real tangible illness with symptoms that can greatly affect the daily lives of those who suffer from it. No one would tell someone with diabetes that if they would just pray every day and read their scriptures in the morning and evening that their diabetes will be healed. No one would tell someone with cancer that if they would just go talk to their bishop about what they're struggling with that the cancer will go away. No one should say these same things to people struggling with mental illness and yet they do. And they do it all too often.

I remember the last time I was in the hospital after an overdose. A social worker was assessing my current mental status and trying to decide whether or not to admit me to the psychiatric ward at the hospital. (Side note: I've stayed in a psychiatric ward once and will never do it again. Never ever ever. WORST experience of my life. Actually the worst experience was probably having to ingest the charcoal to treat that overdose before staying. Not that it was my choice at the time and if it came down to it, which hopefully won't happen again, probably wouldn't be later.) He was LDS and asked me if I was LDS. I told him yes and then he proceeded to "educate" me on the consequences of suicide if I truly believed in the Gospel. Which, by the way, he was completely wrong about. (If you want to read about what church leaders have said about suicide see here.) Basically, this social worker was telling me that I was a bad member of the Church because I had overdosed on acetaminophen (as well as a nice combination of aspirin, diphenhydamine, dextromethorphan, doxylamine succinate, pyrilamine maleate and caffeine). He focused on the action only, failing to take into account that I was probably experiencing something other than a desire to be disobedient. I'm sure I could have found something more exciting than downing multiple pills if I was trying to satisfy some craving for rebelliousness. I recall him letting out an exasperated laugh as he talked to me. He was not a nice social worker. I did not appreciate him nor his efforts to "help" me. I'm really not sure if he was well-intentioned or not in this case. If I had remembered his name, I would have filed a complaint. He was really that rude. His comments were incredibly hurtful and I still remember their sting. There I was, in a hospital room, with an IV in my arm, having just overdosed, with him telling me I sure am lucky I didn't die because I would have gone to hell if I did and I better not try it again because as far as he knows hell is not a fun place. I have names for that man that I cannot say aloud or online. I shouldn't even think them. I have some stuff I need to work on...

It just bothers me so much that people who struggle with mental illness, particularly depression, are being told that if they tried harder, if they did better at following the commandments, building a relationship with God, reading the scriptures, praying, fulfilling their callings, they will feel better; they will be better.

Let's try to understand this: a person that has depression struggling with feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, self-hate (in addition to at least four other symptoms of depression) is then advised by a well-meaning, ill-informed friend that if they prayed more their bad feelings will go away. These bad feelings don't go away because depression is an illness that if left untreated will worsen (LIKE ANY OTHER ILLNESS). What is a person struggling with depression supposed to think when after taking this advice (praying more, meeting with his/her bishop, fasting, reading his/her scriptures more) his/her feelings worsen? He/she may be thinking
a) "I am not good enough. I am still not trying hard enough. It is my fault I am not better."
b) "I must be a very horrible person for God to not answer my prayers. God must not love me."
c) "God doesn't exist. I am not getting better because there is no one to answer my prayers."
I give these examples from personal experience. Others may think of different reasons why their prayers for relief from depression are not answered. These are just examples I have personal experience with.

A meeting with a bishop doesn't replace therapy. Praying doesn't replace needed medication. These things (therapy, medications) exist for us to utilize when necessary.

I don't mean to diminish the healing power that comes from Jesus Christ's Atonement in any way. I know that when I relied on therapy and medications alone, I was struggling much more than I needed to. It wasn't until after I had turned to the Lord with my broken spirit and asked for His help, trusting in Him, did I find complete peace. (This in addition to the antidepressants and therapy every other week.)

This reminds me of a story Elder Oaks shared. He said, "The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, “Have you used any remedies?” To those who said no because “we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,” President Young replied: “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body."

I really appreciated Elder Alexander B. Morrison's article on myths of mental illness. I particularly appreciate his closing remarks with which I want to close this entry. He said, "With knowledge and understanding come love, acceptance, empathy, and enfoldment. May God bless us to love all His children, to abandon none, and to lift up and strengthen those suffering and in pain."

Rambling to Procrastinate or Procrastinating to Ramble?

Probably the former. I don't want to read, write, and/or grade right now. Please don't make me.

I'm currently listening to Stars' newest album "The Five Ghosts and the Seance." I've listened to this album at least four times a week since I've purchased it a number of weeks ago. I have a tendency to listen to stuff on repeat when I really like it. (Unfortunately for Brenden he doesn't always share my music tastes and even when he does, I do things like listen to the same album at least 4 times a week for over a month and then he stops appreciating its awesomeness.) I first heard "The Five Ghosts" in Seattle at the Stars' concert where they performed each song from the album. That was a fun week. Imogen Heap one night and then Stars the next. Then my research partner, Heidi, got a copy of the album and we listened to it all the time in the car on the way to our appointments. Anyway, it is a good album albeit not good enough to warrant the amount of time I've spent listening to it. Also, I still like their old stuff better. Unfortunately my hard drive crashing got rid of all of their old stuff I had. Oh well.

Man, I wasn't planning on saying ANY of that. I love rambling.

My mom and sister came up this weekend to get some wedding planning done/visit me/check out BYU/cook for and/or feed my friends. I would say it was a pretty productive weekend. Big things that were accomplished: got my wedding dress, got a photographer, got invitations. There were a few other random things we took care of too in addition to squeezing in a football game (where BYU ACTUALLY WON! WHAT?!), hopping fences (yeah, my mom included), and a school performance Brenden took part in.

Right, so wedding planning. It's coming along. Like my grading... but that's another story. We're still trying to decide what kind of theme we want. Or even if we don't use a theme (which will probably be the case) what kind of atmosphere we want at the reception. I feel like the venue and time of year we've picked demands a more formal theme and I've been running through ideas in my mind that align with those demands. But at the same time I've never been very comfortable with formal events and making my own reception pretty formal would be pretty stupid. (Random fact: I can't remember sitting at the dining room table at my house to have a dinner with family and/or friends. It's not that we didn't have dinners with people, we just covered the whole table with platters of food buffet-style and then ate in the living room.)

Sometimes I'll be in the middle of a paragraph and then start looking at stuff online, come back to the post I was working on, and completely lose interest in what I was originally saying. This is what has just happened.

It's for posts like this that my blog is titled what it is. (By the way, word salad is related to psychosis. The proper name for word salad is schizophasia, which, incidently, was the name of an even older online journal I had until I decided I liked the name word salad better. I find it an appropriate title for my ramblings.)

I really ought to start working on some homework.

On Sleeping

Lately I've been going to bed around 11:30, falling asleep around 12:15, and then waking up at 4:30, 5:00, 5:30, 6:00, and 6:30 before finally getting up around 7:00 to get ready for the day. My alarm is set for 6:30 but I tend to lay around in bed until 7:00 since I've had such a restless night (morning?) and feel like total crap. (Also, I've recently acquired a cold which has not added to good feelings in the morning.)

It's been incredibly frustrating and slightly weird since my roommate has become nocturnal and sits in her bed all night long on her computer. (Seriously, can't she read on her computer in the living room so I don't feel like I'm being watched when I sleep?) I'm not sure if her habits have started to affect my own sleeping patterns or if I've just been incredibly restless because I've been so stressed about each day and the monumental tasks that need to get done each day. Probably the latter even though the glow of the computer screen is a little more than bothersome when I'm trying to sleep.

In other news, I am trying to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow at 8:00am before I pick up my mom and sister from the airport at 10:30 and there is either a gorilla jumping up and down in the apartment next to me or a ridiculously good (bad?) audio system, specifically bass, pounding out some beats. I would really prefer the gorilla option because it would at least be an interesting reason to have my studying interrupted.

Life Right Now

Consists of:
Reading
Writing
Grading

Tomorrow it will consist of:
Reading
Grading
Studying

How is it that I am taking only 5 classes and have 6 exams within the next two weeks? Totally not fair.

But hey, I'm looking forward to conference weekend and my mom and sister coming to visit!