Tired

It's totally not fair to be exhausted with schoolwork by the end of January. Totally not fair.

Research papers

I always dread writing my research papers.  And yet when I finally get to the point where I have to write them or fail my classes, I realize how awesome they are.  Not my papers in particular but the topics I'm researching.  I realize that the reason I chose my topics was because they were interesting to me.  It's always sad when I'm finally cramming to finish my papers before they're due and I'm just thinking, "I want to read more!  I want to find more!  I want to write about more!"  Because I can't.  Well, at least not for the paper.  I can always do more on my own later.  Except I don't.  Because as soon as the paper is done I think reading research is boring again.

Right now I'm working on a paper studying the role of religiosity on older adults' mental health.  It's cool stuff!

But my paper is due Monday and I have other papers due Monday that I have yet to finish/start.  So I'm barreling through this one.  And that makes me sad.

Hanukkah

Every year Hanukkah comes and goes without me realizing it.  EXCEPT THIS YEAR.  Yesterday was the first day of Hanukkah.  I really want to buy a menorah but I have no idea where I would get one in Utah.  I found out you can order them online from Target but that wouldn't get to me in time to celebrate.  Also, stupid renting rules say I can't have lit candles in my apartment anyway.  Booooo.

BUT I really want to make latkes and sufganiyot.  And I want to do it for Hanukkah.  Unfortunately I don't think I'll have time until classes end.  Fortunately classes end on the last day of Hanukkah.  (Although if Hanukkah technically ends at sundown, then it will be too late for an actual Hanukkah celebration by the time I can make anything anyway. Oh well!)

I really just want a legitimate reason to make cool pancakes and jelly-filled doughnuts.  (Even though celebrating Hanukkah might not count as a legitimate reason since I'm not Jewish...)

Sometimes I really do just love the holiday season.  Sometimes I don't.  Right now I do.

Next Semester

I feel like such a bum dropping my gerontology minor.  I already dropped my psych minor.  But hey, the point of the gerontology minor was because I wanted to work specifically with the older adult population.  I'm not so sure I want to do that anymore AND even if I did, I don't need the minor to do that, I've already taken all but one of the classes for the minor.  I still need to an internship which I won't have the time to complete before April graduation.  I could extend graduation to August but if Brenden will be graduating in April then I'd prefer to be done as well so we can move wherever we'll be moving to, get settled, find jobs, etc.  Eep.  That's an interesting idea.

Also, by dropping my gerontology minor I will be able to work on more research next semester- an option I am very interested in.  This research will be with one of the professors I TA for right now.  I will also be taking one of his courses next semester.  Plus, I'll still be working as his TA.  I will really get to know Dr. Dyer.  All I'll need to do is meet his family and maybe babysit his kids and we've got all bases covered.

Next semester shouldn't be too difficult.  *crosses fingers*  I saved a few of my GEs for the very end and I don't anticipate them being too bad.  I won't even be working as many hours (which is actually really unfortunate since I'll probably really need the money).

Here's my tentative schedule with commentary:

EXSC 136: Beginning Gymnastics  (0.5)
In third grade, I wrote a paper on how I was going to be on the USA Olympic Gymnastics team by the time I was 15.  I didn't realize that was ridiculous.  I thought 15 was SO OLD and I'd have enough time to learn everything.  Also, I didn't realize I sucked at gymnastics.  Obviously that dream never came true.  However, I figure I owe it to myself to learn how to do that back handspring that has been so elusive to me for so many years.  Plus, the balance beam is one of my most favorite things ever.  I'm a little wary of the vault (running full speed at stationary objects is something I've avoided doing most of my life) but think it will be really cool if I could do anything on it.  And the uneven bars, oh uneven bars- just let me not fall off and die and we'll be good friends.

ENGL 315: Writing in the Social Sciences (3.0)
I can't put this class off any longer.  I'm sure it's going to be one of those classes where I'm like, "This would've been so helpful had I taken it sooner."  Will I regret not having taken it sooner?  Probably not.  Since high school, I've doubted in my abilities to write well (THANK YOU MR. CROCKER) and though this doubt hasn't been reinforced in college I still do not look forward to having to take a writing class.  Yes, yes, good writing is necessary for success in college, graduate school, life, eternity, whatever.  This knowledge doesn't make me any more excited to take this class.

HUM 202: Western Humanities 2 (3.0)
I've avoided this class for many of the same reasons I avoided ENGL 315- I figured it would be much like an English class where I would need to write and then have my writing abilities graded.  I'm currently taking HUM 201 from the same professor I'll be taking this from next semester and I've found I really enjoy the subject matter.  I am glad I'm taking it now rather than earlier though because it's one of those classes I don't really need to stress about.  Easy peasy. 

RELA 212: New Testament (2.0)
I needed more credit hours.  I figured a good way to fulfill this requirement would be through studying the scriptures.  Hey, I'll be doing it anyway, right?  Also, I miss taking BYU religion classes.  I haven't taken any since last fall.  Some people complain about them but I really, really enjoy them.  (I think it's dumb when people complain about religion classes being too difficult, not because they aren't difficult but because people assume they should be easy.  Come on people- you're studying the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I think you can afford to put some effort into it.)

ANTHR 108R: Anthro Films (1.0)
Originally I added this class because I needed more credit hours.  Since I've added the research class, I don't actually need this credit hour.  However, I'm still planning on taking the class because it sounds like it will be very interesting.  It's just once a week and all we do is watch ethnographic films to study different cultures and ethnographic filmmaking.  I'm really curious as to what the coursework actually entails.    

SFL 460: Advanced Family Processes (3.0)
I will be taking this class with Dr. Dyer.  I took the introductory family processes course last summer (2009) from a graduate student and feel like I missed a lot by doing that.  Right now, I'm a TA for the introductory course and I've really enjoyed going to the classes and studying the material (in order to present it to students).  While I hate grading, it's reinforced my knowledge of the material.  Hopefully, I'll do okay in this class.  I was going to take it this semester but dropped it the second week of classes because it looked like way more work than I wanted to put into it this semester.

SFL 403R: Research/Creative Works Practicum (3.0)
This class is for the research I'll be doing with Dr. Dyer next semester.  We'll be studying incarcerated fathers and their family relationships.  I didn't realize how interesting this subject matter was to me until recently while working on a research paper for another class about African-American mother-headed households.  Did you know that 10% of African-American children have at least one incarcerated parent, usually the father?  Anyway, I'm excited for this.  A lot.

Well, I've reached the end of my blog post.  I can no longer procrastinate my homework for the evening.  Especially if I want enough time to make pancakes.  Oh man, I want some pancakes.  Go go motivation!

\\

An interesting project for me recently has been trying to find that balance between getting everything done and staying sane.  As the semester comes quickly to a close, I realize that those papers, projects, and exams that seemed so far away are now due.  And they're in the next hour.  Well, not really, but it certainly seems so.  As a TA, I also have the great privilege of grading students' final papers and projects (not exams, thankfully my professors spared me those).  By Tuesday, there will over 600 papers to grade for one class, in addition to the projects turned in last week that take a significant amount of effort and time to grade.

As I face these things to do, I plan my hours each week to make sure I have enough time to do everything.  I've been doing this since this summer in a notebook I've properly labeled my "OCD Notebook" (which, by the way, is nearly full- that simple fact shows you a tiny bit of my own craziness.)  I've found that this activity of budgeting my time hasn't actually been as effective as I originally planned it to be because I have a tendency of not following the rigid schedule I'd outlined.  Not following that rigid schedule, however, has kept me sane.  This usually means that I don't finish my reading for classes, I don't give myself as much time as I'd want on a paper, projects keep getting shoved to another week- AND IT'S TOTALLY FINE.  People- this is monumental for me.  I remember just last semester, crying one night because I realized I wouldn't have enough time to finish my assigned reading before class started in the morning (this professor literally assigned hundreds of pages to read a week, something I wasn't yet used to/still not used to).  I never knew I could DECIDE what to do with my time.  I never knew I had that option.

Though I have (literally) hundreds of papers and projects to grade, in an effort to maintain sanity, I am going to go buy a sketchbook this weekend and draw something.  I have been aching to scratch some graphite on paper for a long, long time now.  I will never "have" the time to draw so I'll make the time.  That may mean I don't get a 100% on my papers or exams next week but I've defined myself too long by what assignment I've finished, what exam I've aced that I've forgotten about who I am beyond these academic lines.  Drawing is something I've missed doing.  (I've really wanted to go to the Bean museum and sketch some animals.)  Maybe I'll get back to art journaling eventually too.   

Also, I really need to buy an Explosions in the Sky album.  After my computer crashed, I lost all of their music and I want it back.       

How I've Been Feeling Lately

"What is my life for and what am I going to do with it? I don't know and I'm afraid. I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited. Yet I am not a cretin: lame, blind, and stupid. I am not a veteran, passing my legless, armless days in a wheelchair. I am not that mongoloidish old man shuffling out of the gates of the mental hospital. I have much to live for, yet unaccountably I am sick and sad. Perhaps you could trace my feeling back to my distaste at having to choose between alternatives. Perhaps that's why I want to be everyone- so no one can blame me for being I. So I won't have to take the responsibility for my own character development and philosophy. People are happy - - - if that means being content with your lot: feeling comfortable as the complacent round peg struggling in a round hole, with no awkward or painful edges- no space to wonder or question in. I am not content, because my lot is limiting, as are all others. People specialize; people become devoted to an idea; people "find themselves." But the very content that comes from finding yourself is overshadowed by the knowledge that by doing so you are admitting you are not only a grotesque, but a special kind of grotesque."
- Sylvia Plath

Thank you, Sylvia Plath, for being able to express what I cannot.

MRRRGH.

In an effort to avoid studying for an exam that I will likely end up postponing to Saturday, I have started working on graduate school applications.  FUN STUFF.  But seriously, waaaaay better than studying.

I talked to one of my professors last week about graduate school and he recommended I go ahead and apply.  He said that if it is still a serious consideration of mine, I should still apply even though I may experience hesitancy in doing so.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm only planning on applying to four schools (two of which are in the top 5 programs in the nation according to U.S. News) and I have no idea the likelihood that I'll get into any of them.  Seriously, my transcript is probably one of the weirdest that any of these admissions committees will see.  I have this period of way too many withdrawals then an unexplained absence and then almost perfect grades.  What are they supposed to expect from a student like that?

Anyway, schools I'm applying to:
University of Chicago (#3)
University of Michigan- Ann Arbor (#2)
Loyola University Chicago
Arizona State University

Yay!

The Circles of Hello

I'm trying to write an assignment on Dante's Divine Comedy and I keep typing in "Hello" instead of "Hell." 

Also, my stomach has a tendency to make really strange noises (outside of the usual loud growls) and right now it keeps making this low rumbling sound.  I feel sorry for the person sitting near me wondering what is going on with my digestive system.   

Work Stress.

When students wonder why their professors are assigning them one major assignment after another, they shouldn't be concerned so much about themselves as they should be about the poor TAs left to grade 760 assignments (not including the 97 that she's gotten behind on because she was too busy putting a review together FOR YOU to succeed on your next exam).

I understand it's frustrating when you're missing grades.  But please(!) understand, TAs are students too and if you're turning in that many assignments for one class (a class of three-freaking-hundred) you'll probably not get your grades back in a week.  GEEZ.

Personal reflections

I registered for my classes for my last semester at BYU last night.  I'll be applying for graduation soon (as soon as I decide what name I want my diploma to read.)

I feel like so much time has passed since I first came to BYU but on the same line I feel like it went by incredibly fast.  It's strange that I can reminisce about things and those things include my time at BYU.  It's strange to me that that is now my past.

And I wonder what I've done with these last four years, three of them enrolled at BYU.  It's no lie they were eventful.  It's just... I wonder what I have to show for them.  Sure, by December, I'll be married and by April, I'll have a diploma in hand.  And, yes, those are freakin' MAJOR things.  And yet, I wonder what I've accomplished in my time here.  What have I done to personally develop myself, my talents, my strengths? 

I have locked myself into a purely academic mode though this mode is not even as focused on academics as it should be.  And because I've locked myself into this mode, I am now experiencing the insecurities that I've suppressed which will surface louder and angrier than before as I get closer and closer to graduation.  What do I even enjoy?  I've found fulfillment in my academic success.  Where will I find this fulfillment when I'm no longer in school?  I can shove those insecurities back under the covers for a bit longer by applying to and enrolling in graduate school.  But its those same insecurities forcing me to rethink graduate school.  Where will I find personal fulfillment after I've graduated?  I don't know.  Continue on to graduate school?  What will I study there?  What is it that I am interested in?  What do I write for my application essay?  "I'm interested in your program because I really just didn't want to stop going to school.  Accept me please so I don't have to deal with my insecurities too intensely right now."

In addition to being confused about future plans, sometimes I just get sad.  In winter it's more prevalent, more obvious.  I wonder if it could be seasonal affective disorder or just a side effect of nearing deadlines of projects, final exams.  However, these feelings aren't unique to my experience in college (with projects and finals), I can recall specific experiences in high school when these feelings were apparent during the winter.  Holidays (particularly Christmastime) have always been a difficult time for me.  I'm usually most depressed during this time and then I add in a good amount of feelings of guilt since I feel like it isn't right for me to be depressed at "the most wonderful time of the year."  

Sometimes I wonder if I should try antidepressants again.  Prozac didn't work for me before so I gave up on it and just struggled through overcoming difficult feelings.  I hear of people having really good experiences with their medications "life is so much brighter," "things seem so much clearer."  They always reference being able to see things better.  At the same time, I don't know if they're really necessary.  I kind of view antidepressants (for myself) as being that life vest you put on when the plane is going down and you are about to land in a big thing called an ocean.  You can't do anything about the crash all you can do is try to keep yourself afloat.  I don't think I'm heading towards a crash so I'll keep that life vest out of sight.   
 
I'm not feeling overwhelmed.  It's more a feeling of defeat, though defeat to what I don't really know.  This post isn't necessarily a post to whine or seek comfort (and if it was this was a poor venue because there are a whole five or six people who read/know about this blog.  I think knowing there are few people that read this blog is what comforts me.  I want to tell the world but at the same time I want to keep it quiet.)  This post is of my personal reflections and questions not my despair. 

A quick to-do list to clear my thoughts:
Finish grading 160 quizzes
Grading 290 quizzes
Grade 290 SPSS assignments
Grade 160 genograms
Grade 160 family flag assignments
Email Russ tomorrow evening about selling contract
Remind Brenden he needs his birth certificate
Decide on picture for wedding invites
Get addresses for wedding invites
Write 480 paper
Write 334 write-up
Read 354 research article
Print off 160 grading rubrics
Read 480
Research internship sites
Study for 480 exam (Tuesday)
Study for 201 exam (Thursday)
Meet with Dr. Bean in the morning
Write Susan

Always, always.  My posts never turn out how I intend them to.