Lately I've been going to bed around 11:30, falling asleep around 12:15, and then waking up at 4:30, 5:00, 5:30, 6:00, and 6:30 before finally getting up around 7:00 to get ready for the day. My alarm is set for 6:30 but I tend to lay around in bed until 7:00 since I've had such a restless night (morning?) and feel like total crap. (Also, I've recently acquired a cold which has not added to good feelings in the morning.)
It's been incredibly frustrating and slightly weird since my roommate has become nocturnal and sits in her bed all night long on her computer. (Seriously, can't she read on her computer in the living room so I don't feel like I'm being watched when I sleep?) I'm not sure if her habits have started to affect my own sleeping patterns or if I've just been incredibly restless because I've been so stressed about each day and the monumental tasks that need to get done each day. Probably the latter even though the glow of the computer screen is a little more than bothersome when I'm trying to sleep.
In other news, I am trying to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow at 8:00am before I pick up my mom and sister from the airport at 10:30 and there is either a gorilla jumping up and down in the apartment next to me or a ridiculously good (bad?) audio system, specifically bass, pounding out some beats. I would really prefer the gorilla option because it would at least be an interesting reason to have my studying interrupted.
6.10.10
27.9.10
Life Right Now
Consists of:
Reading
Writing
Grading
Tomorrow it will consist of:
Reading
Grading
Studying
How is it that I am taking only 5 classes and have 6 exams within the next two weeks? Totally not fair.
But hey, I'm looking forward to conference weekend and my mom and sister coming to visit!
Reading
Writing
Grading
Tomorrow it will consist of:
Reading
Grading
Studying
How is it that I am taking only 5 classes and have 6 exams within the next two weeks? Totally not fair.
But hey, I'm looking forward to conference weekend and my mom and sister coming to visit!
20.9.10
Oh beautiful Northwest
I miss Seattle. A lot.
A portion of it is the longing I have for more free time (which my internship in Seattle afforded me.) This is funny because when I was in Seattle I wanted more to do. I wanted structure and work to do. Now I have more than enough and I just want to sit around and read and sleep whenever I want to. (Sleep, how I miss you!)
I think mostly I just miss the area. I miss all of the water: the Puget Sound, Lake Washington, Lake Union. I miss the city being fifteen minutes away. I miss Mount Rainier. I miss the Olympic mountains in the distance. I miss how green everything was. I miss the hills and the trees. I miss the Seattle Public Library system. I miss the farmers markets everywhere everyday of the week. I even miss the crows!
I also really miss the families. I think about them every now and then and I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing okay. I hope that what little work I did in Seattle this past summer will translate into something good for families in the future.
The families I interviewed this summer, they were the best part about Seattle. Really.
A portion of it is the longing I have for more free time (which my internship in Seattle afforded me.) This is funny because when I was in Seattle I wanted more to do. I wanted structure and work to do. Now I have more than enough and I just want to sit around and read and sleep whenever I want to. (Sleep, how I miss you!)
I think mostly I just miss the area. I miss all of the water: the Puget Sound, Lake Washington, Lake Union. I miss the city being fifteen minutes away. I miss Mount Rainier. I miss the Olympic mountains in the distance. I miss how green everything was. I miss the hills and the trees. I miss the Seattle Public Library system. I miss the farmers markets everywhere everyday of the week. I even miss the crows!
I also really miss the families. I think about them every now and then and I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing okay. I hope that what little work I did in Seattle this past summer will translate into something good for families in the future.
The families I interviewed this summer, they were the best part about Seattle. Really.
19.9.10
Quote.
"Poor boy, there is no hope for you. I have discovered your great wound; this flower in your side is destroying you."
kafka, the country doctor
kafka, the country doctor
17.9.10
BYU owns my soul
What do I need to do this week?
Grade 3 Essays, 1 Assignment
Review a teacher's exam to make sure it makes sense, then make a test review out of it
Give a test review session
Write 4 essays
Read two books
This in addition to all of the regular reading I need to complete for classes.
I still need to start volunteering.
Most of these things need to be done by Wednesday. This weekend Reuben is in town. What do I do? (Stop blogging for one.)
Grade 3 Essays, 1 Assignment
Review a teacher's exam to make sure it makes sense, then make a test review out of it
Give a test review session
Write 4 essays
Read two books
This in addition to all of the regular reading I need to complete for classes.
I still need to start volunteering.
Most of these things need to be done by Wednesday. This weekend Reuben is in town. What do I do? (Stop blogging for one.)
12.9.10
Oh goodness
A new/old thought and option for graduate school has recently come to mind. I'm now exploring MLIS (Masters of Library and Information Science) programs.
Simmons College
University of Wisconsin- Madison
University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee
Dominican University
Indiana University- Bloomington
I should really, REALLY figure this out soon.
(For my own reference= American Library Association)
Simmons College
University of Wisconsin- Madison
University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee
Dominican University
Indiana University- Bloomington
I should really, REALLY figure this out soon.
(For my own reference= American Library Association)
3.9.10
Fall 2010
This is more of a reference for myself more than anything else.
This semester I am going to:
Take 15 credit hours of
Work 20 hours a week as:
A Teaching Assistant for
A Research Assistant studying
Volunteer 30 hours at Harmony Home Health and Hospice
Apply to social work graduate programs most likely at any combination of these schools:
Plan a wedding
This semester I am going to:
Take 15 credit hours of
- HUM 201: Western Humanities 1
- SOC W 200: Introduction to Social Work
- SFL 334: Adult Development and Aging
- SFL 354: Cross Cultural Family and Human Development
- SFL 480: Moral Foundations in Family Life
Work 20 hours a week as:
A Teaching Assistant for
- SFL 160: Introduction to Family Processes
- SFL 290: Critical Inquiry and Research methods
A Research Assistant studying
- The physiological effects of stress on an adolescent when discussing areas of conflict with a parent
- The effect of paternal incarceration on a family (very broad right now, we haven't discussed things we want to study specifically yet)
Volunteer 30 hours at Harmony Home Health and Hospice
Apply to social work graduate programs most likely at any combination of these schools:
- University of Chicago
- Loyola University Chicago
- University of Michigan- Ann Arbor
- University of Wisconsin- Madison
- Boston College
- Boston University
- Arizona State University
- Brigham Young University
Plan a wedding
21.7.10
Boo.
MY COMPUTER'S HARD DRIVE CRASHED.
And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.
Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.
Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.
It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.
And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.
Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.
Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.
It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.
30.5.10
|| (pity party)
There is something between me and the others here that is serving as a serious barrier from making connections. It's getting beyond disheartening. It's getting hopeless.
I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.
It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.
I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.
For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.
I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.
In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.
I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.
It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.
I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.
For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.
I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.
In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.
15.5.10
//
I'm one of those people who think conversation is necessary when people are in close proximity. Except that I'm incredibly shy. When I don't know people very well, especially in large groups, I CANNOT talk to people. This makes for intense discomfort, even pain at times, on my part. And I am keenly aware of this discomfort and pain. Keenly aware. I'm not sure what this means for me and making friends. I watch people trying to figure out what it is that they do. How they talk to people so naturally. I simply can't figure out how they talk to each other so easily. I feel like I know the people on my team well enough to hold a decent conversation about things we may have in common and yet anytime I try to say anything in a casual manner, I end up feeling incredibly awkward and almost robotic. I try laughing when people make jokes just so they know I'm still there. And even then, I disappear because everyone else is laughing and their laughter is louder than mine because they are genuinely happy and not just pretending to be so people will remember their presence.
I realized how much of a problem this was when the thought of seriously googling "how to make friends" ran through my head (Big Bang Theory, anyone?). I think it's all part of self-esteem issues that I didn't realize I still had when I was in the comfort of Provo with already established friendships. When I'm sitting in the car with Brenden I barely breathe because I'm talking so much. Here I offer the front seat to anyone else riding in the car because I know I will just end up awkwardly sitting there hoping people don't notice my lack of contribution to the conversation. At least in the backseat I'm not literally in the middle of the conversation. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have any opinions or care about anything. At all. Ever.
I'm having thoughts I haven't had in a long, long time. And then I doubt my ability to serve a mission without having another breakdown. I think I think too much. Even when I was little, I wrote in my journal that I think too much. I think it really only becomes a problem when I feel I can't talk to anyone about anything. My thoughts collect in my mind and I can't get them out. I think about writing things down and then I'm afraid paper will betray and people will see that I'm a very sad girl who actually thinks a lot more than she lets on. I'm afraid people will leave me. Right now people don't care about who I am. I don't get in anyone's way, I don't necessarily contribute but I don't hurt people either. I'm just there. And because that's good enough for others I realize that even if I made extended efforts to talk and be sociable it really doesn't even matter.
I realized how much of a problem this was when the thought of seriously googling "how to make friends" ran through my head (Big Bang Theory, anyone?). I think it's all part of self-esteem issues that I didn't realize I still had when I was in the comfort of Provo with already established friendships. When I'm sitting in the car with Brenden I barely breathe because I'm talking so much. Here I offer the front seat to anyone else riding in the car because I know I will just end up awkwardly sitting there hoping people don't notice my lack of contribution to the conversation. At least in the backseat I'm not literally in the middle of the conversation. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have any opinions or care about anything. At all. Ever.
I'm having thoughts I haven't had in a long, long time. And then I doubt my ability to serve a mission without having another breakdown. I think I think too much. Even when I was little, I wrote in my journal that I think too much. I think it really only becomes a problem when I feel I can't talk to anyone about anything. My thoughts collect in my mind and I can't get them out. I think about writing things down and then I'm afraid paper will betray and people will see that I'm a very sad girl who actually thinks a lot more than she lets on. I'm afraid people will leave me. Right now people don't care about who I am. I don't get in anyone's way, I don't necessarily contribute but I don't hurt people either. I'm just there. And because that's good enough for others I realize that even if I made extended efforts to talk and be sociable it really doesn't even matter.
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