Probably the former. I don't want to read, write, and/or grade right now. Please don't make me.
I'm currently listening to Stars' newest album "The Five Ghosts and the Seance." I've listened to this album at least four times a week since I've purchased it a number of weeks ago. I have a tendency to listen to stuff on repeat when I really like it. (Unfortunately for Brenden he doesn't always share my music tastes and even when he does, I do things like listen to the same album at least 4 times a week for over a month and then he stops appreciating its awesomeness.) I first heard "The Five Ghosts" in Seattle at the Stars' concert where they performed each song from the album. That was a fun week. Imogen Heap one night and then Stars the next. Then my research partner, Heidi, got a copy of the album and we listened to it all the time in the car on the way to our appointments. Anyway, it is a good album albeit not good enough to warrant the amount of time I've spent listening to it. Also, I still like their old stuff better. Unfortunately my hard drive crashing got rid of all of their old stuff I had. Oh well.
Man, I wasn't planning on saying ANY of that. I love rambling.
My mom and sister came up this weekend to get some wedding planning done/visit me/check out BYU/cook for and/or feed my friends. I would say it was a pretty productive weekend. Big things that were accomplished: got my wedding dress, got a photographer, got invitations. There were a few other random things we took care of too in addition to squeezing in a football game (where BYU ACTUALLY WON! WHAT?!), hopping fences (yeah, my mom included), and a school performance Brenden took part in.
Right, so wedding planning. It's coming along. Like my grading... but that's another story. We're still trying to decide what kind of theme we want. Or even if we don't use a theme (which will probably be the case) what kind of atmosphere we want at the reception. I feel like the venue and time of year we've picked demands a more formal theme and I've been running through ideas in my mind that align with those demands. But at the same time I've never been very comfortable with formal events and making my own reception pretty formal would be pretty stupid. (Random fact: I can't remember sitting at the dining room table at my house to have a dinner with family and/or friends. It's not that we didn't have dinners with people, we just covered the whole table with platters of food buffet-style and then ate in the living room.)
Sometimes I'll be in the middle of a paragraph and then start looking at stuff online, come back to the post I was working on, and completely lose interest in what I was originally saying. This is what has just happened.
It's for posts like this that my blog is titled what it is. (By the way, word salad is related to psychosis. The proper name for word salad is schizophasia, which, incidently, was the name of an even older online journal I had until I decided I liked the name word salad better. I find it an appropriate title for my ramblings.)
I really ought to start working on some homework.
6.10.10
On Sleeping
Lately I've been going to bed around 11:30, falling asleep around 12:15, and then waking up at 4:30, 5:00, 5:30, 6:00, and 6:30 before finally getting up around 7:00 to get ready for the day. My alarm is set for 6:30 but I tend to lay around in bed until 7:00 since I've had such a restless night (morning?) and feel like total crap. (Also, I've recently acquired a cold which has not added to good feelings in the morning.)
It's been incredibly frustrating and slightly weird since my roommate has become nocturnal and sits in her bed all night long on her computer. (Seriously, can't she read on her computer in the living room so I don't feel like I'm being watched when I sleep?) I'm not sure if her habits have started to affect my own sleeping patterns or if I've just been incredibly restless because I've been so stressed about each day and the monumental tasks that need to get done each day. Probably the latter even though the glow of the computer screen is a little more than bothersome when I'm trying to sleep.
In other news, I am trying to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow at 8:00am before I pick up my mom and sister from the airport at 10:30 and there is either a gorilla jumping up and down in the apartment next to me or a ridiculously good (bad?) audio system, specifically bass, pounding out some beats. I would really prefer the gorilla option because it would at least be an interesting reason to have my studying interrupted.
It's been incredibly frustrating and slightly weird since my roommate has become nocturnal and sits in her bed all night long on her computer. (Seriously, can't she read on her computer in the living room so I don't feel like I'm being watched when I sleep?) I'm not sure if her habits have started to affect my own sleeping patterns or if I've just been incredibly restless because I've been so stressed about each day and the monumental tasks that need to get done each day. Probably the latter even though the glow of the computer screen is a little more than bothersome when I'm trying to sleep.
In other news, I am trying to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow at 8:00am before I pick up my mom and sister from the airport at 10:30 and there is either a gorilla jumping up and down in the apartment next to me or a ridiculously good (bad?) audio system, specifically bass, pounding out some beats. I would really prefer the gorilla option because it would at least be an interesting reason to have my studying interrupted.
27.9.10
Life Right Now
Consists of:
Reading
Writing
Grading
Tomorrow it will consist of:
Reading
Grading
Studying
How is it that I am taking only 5 classes and have 6 exams within the next two weeks? Totally not fair.
But hey, I'm looking forward to conference weekend and my mom and sister coming to visit!
Reading
Writing
Grading
Tomorrow it will consist of:
Reading
Grading
Studying
How is it that I am taking only 5 classes and have 6 exams within the next two weeks? Totally not fair.
But hey, I'm looking forward to conference weekend and my mom and sister coming to visit!
20.9.10
Oh beautiful Northwest
I miss Seattle. A lot.
A portion of it is the longing I have for more free time (which my internship in Seattle afforded me.) This is funny because when I was in Seattle I wanted more to do. I wanted structure and work to do. Now I have more than enough and I just want to sit around and read and sleep whenever I want to. (Sleep, how I miss you!)
I think mostly I just miss the area. I miss all of the water: the Puget Sound, Lake Washington, Lake Union. I miss the city being fifteen minutes away. I miss Mount Rainier. I miss the Olympic mountains in the distance. I miss how green everything was. I miss the hills and the trees. I miss the Seattle Public Library system. I miss the farmers markets everywhere everyday of the week. I even miss the crows!
I also really miss the families. I think about them every now and then and I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing okay. I hope that what little work I did in Seattle this past summer will translate into something good for families in the future.
The families I interviewed this summer, they were the best part about Seattle. Really.
A portion of it is the longing I have for more free time (which my internship in Seattle afforded me.) This is funny because when I was in Seattle I wanted more to do. I wanted structure and work to do. Now I have more than enough and I just want to sit around and read and sleep whenever I want to. (Sleep, how I miss you!)
I think mostly I just miss the area. I miss all of the water: the Puget Sound, Lake Washington, Lake Union. I miss the city being fifteen minutes away. I miss Mount Rainier. I miss the Olympic mountains in the distance. I miss how green everything was. I miss the hills and the trees. I miss the Seattle Public Library system. I miss the farmers markets everywhere everyday of the week. I even miss the crows!
I also really miss the families. I think about them every now and then and I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing okay. I hope that what little work I did in Seattle this past summer will translate into something good for families in the future.
The families I interviewed this summer, they were the best part about Seattle. Really.
19.9.10
Quote.
"Poor boy, there is no hope for you. I have discovered your great wound; this flower in your side is destroying you."
kafka, the country doctor
kafka, the country doctor
17.9.10
BYU owns my soul
What do I need to do this week?
Grade 3 Essays, 1 Assignment
Review a teacher's exam to make sure it makes sense, then make a test review out of it
Give a test review session
Write 4 essays
Read two books
This in addition to all of the regular reading I need to complete for classes.
I still need to start volunteering.
Most of these things need to be done by Wednesday. This weekend Reuben is in town. What do I do? (Stop blogging for one.)
Grade 3 Essays, 1 Assignment
Review a teacher's exam to make sure it makes sense, then make a test review out of it
Give a test review session
Write 4 essays
Read two books
This in addition to all of the regular reading I need to complete for classes.
I still need to start volunteering.
Most of these things need to be done by Wednesday. This weekend Reuben is in town. What do I do? (Stop blogging for one.)
12.9.10
Oh goodness
A new/old thought and option for graduate school has recently come to mind. I'm now exploring MLIS (Masters of Library and Information Science) programs.
Simmons College
University of Wisconsin- Madison
University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee
Dominican University
Indiana University- Bloomington
I should really, REALLY figure this out soon.
(For my own reference= American Library Association)
Simmons College
University of Wisconsin- Madison
University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee
Dominican University
Indiana University- Bloomington
I should really, REALLY figure this out soon.
(For my own reference= American Library Association)
3.9.10
Fall 2010
This is more of a reference for myself more than anything else.
This semester I am going to:
Take 15 credit hours of
Work 20 hours a week as:
A Teaching Assistant for
A Research Assistant studying
Volunteer 30 hours at Harmony Home Health and Hospice
Apply to social work graduate programs most likely at any combination of these schools:
Plan a wedding
This semester I am going to:
Take 15 credit hours of
- HUM 201: Western Humanities 1
- SOC W 200: Introduction to Social Work
- SFL 334: Adult Development and Aging
- SFL 354: Cross Cultural Family and Human Development
- SFL 480: Moral Foundations in Family Life
Work 20 hours a week as:
A Teaching Assistant for
- SFL 160: Introduction to Family Processes
- SFL 290: Critical Inquiry and Research methods
A Research Assistant studying
- The physiological effects of stress on an adolescent when discussing areas of conflict with a parent
- The effect of paternal incarceration on a family (very broad right now, we haven't discussed things we want to study specifically yet)
Volunteer 30 hours at Harmony Home Health and Hospice
Apply to social work graduate programs most likely at any combination of these schools:
- University of Chicago
- Loyola University Chicago
- University of Michigan- Ann Arbor
- University of Wisconsin- Madison
- Boston College
- Boston University
- Arizona State University
- Brigham Young University
Plan a wedding
21.7.10
Boo.
MY COMPUTER'S HARD DRIVE CRASHED.
And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.
Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.
Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.
It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.
And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.
Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.
Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.
It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.
30.5.10
|| (pity party)
There is something between me and the others here that is serving as a serious barrier from making connections. It's getting beyond disheartening. It's getting hopeless.
I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.
It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.
I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.
For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.
I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.
In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.
I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.
It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.
I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.
For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.
I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.
In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.
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