Oh beautiful Northwest

I miss Seattle. A lot.

A portion of it is the longing I have for more free time (which my internship in Seattle afforded me.)  This is funny because when I was in Seattle I wanted more to do.  I wanted structure and work to do.  Now I have more than enough and I just want to sit around and read and sleep whenever I want to.  (Sleep, how I miss you!)  

I think mostly I just miss the area. I miss all of the water: the Puget Sound, Lake Washington, Lake Union. I miss the city being fifteen minutes away. I miss Mount Rainier. I miss the Olympic mountains in the distance. I miss how green everything was.  I miss the hills and the trees. I miss the Seattle Public Library system.  I miss the farmers markets everywhere everyday of the week. I even miss the crows!

I also really miss the families. I think about them every now and then and I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing okay. I hope that what little work I did in Seattle this past summer will translate into something good for families in the future.

The families I interviewed this summer, they were the best part about Seattle. Really.

Quote.

"Poor boy, there is no hope for you. I have discovered your great wound; this flower in your side is destroying you."

kafka, the country doctor

BYU owns my soul

What do I need to do this week?
Grade 3 Essays, 1 Assignment
Review a teacher's exam to make sure it makes sense, then make a test review out of it
Give a test review session
Write 4 essays
Read two books

This in addition to all of the regular reading I need to complete for classes.

I still need to start volunteering.

Most of these things need to be done by Wednesday. This weekend Reuben is in town. What do I do? (Stop blogging for one.)

Oh goodness

A new/old thought and option for graduate school has recently come to mind. I'm now exploring MLIS (Masters of Library and Information Science) programs.

Simmons College

University of Wisconsin- Madison

University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee

Dominican University

Indiana University- Bloomington

I should really, REALLY figure this out soon.

(For my own reference= American Library Association)

Fall 2010

This is more of a reference for myself more than anything else.

This semester I am going to:

Take 15 credit hours of

• HUM 201: Western Humanities 1
• SOC W 200: Introduction to Social Work
• SFL 334: Adult Development and Aging
• SFL 354: Cross Cultural Family and Human Development
• SFL 480: Moral Foundations in Family Life

Work 20 hours a week as:
A Teaching Assistant for

• SFL 160: Introduction to Family Processes
• SFL 290: Critical Inquiry and Research methods

A Research Assistant studying

• The physiological effects of stress on an adolescent when discussing areas of conflict with a parent
• The effect of paternal incarceration on a family (very broad right now, we haven't discussed things we want to study specifically yet)

Volunteer 30 hours at Harmony Home Health and Hospice

Apply to social work graduate programs most likely at any combination of these schools:

• University of Chicago
• Loyola University Chicago
• University of Michigan- Ann Arbor
• University of Wisconsin- Madison
• Boston College
• Boston University
• Arizona State University
• Brigham Young University

Plan a wedding

Boo.

MY COMPUTER'S HARD DRIVE CRASHED.

And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.

Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.

Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.

It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.

|| (pity party)

There is something between me and the others here that is serving as a serious barrier from making connections. It's getting beyond disheartening. It's getting hopeless.

I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.

It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.

I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.

For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.

I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.

In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.

//

I'm one of those people who think conversation is necessary when people are in close proximity. Except that I'm incredibly shy. When I don't know people very well, especially in large groups, I CANNOT talk to people. This makes for intense discomfort, even pain at times, on my part. And I am keenly aware of this discomfort and pain. Keenly aware. I'm not sure what this means for me and making friends. I watch people trying to figure out what it is that they do. How they talk to people so naturally. I simply can't figure out how they talk to each other so easily. I feel like I know the people on my team well enough to hold a decent conversation about things we may have in common and yet anytime I try to say anything in a casual manner, I end up feeling incredibly awkward and almost robotic. I try laughing when people make jokes just so they know I'm still there. And even then, I disappear because everyone else is laughing and their laughter is louder than mine because they are genuinely happy and not just pretending to be so people will remember their presence.

I realized how much of a problem this was when the thought of seriously googling "how to make friends" ran through my head (Big Bang Theory, anyone?). I think it's all part of self-esteem issues that I didn't realize I still had when I was in the comfort of Provo with already established friendships. When I'm sitting in the car with Brenden I barely breathe because I'm talking so much. Here I offer the front seat to anyone else riding in the car because I know I will just end up awkwardly sitting there hoping people don't notice my lack of contribution to the conversation. At least in the backseat I'm not literally in the middle of the conversation. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have any opinions or care about anything. At all. Ever.

I'm having thoughts I haven't had in a long, long time. And then I doubt my ability to serve a mission without having another breakdown. I think I think too much. Even when I was little, I wrote in my journal that I think too much. I think it really only becomes a problem when I feel I can't talk to anyone about anything. My thoughts collect in my mind and I can't get them out. I think about writing things down and then I'm afraid paper will betray and people will see that I'm a very sad girl who actually thinks a lot more than she lets on. I'm afraid people will leave me. Right now people don't care about who I am. I don't get in anyone's way, I don't necessarily contribute but I don't hurt people either. I'm just there. And because that's good enough for others I realize that even if I made extended efforts to talk and be sociable it really doesn't even matter.

asdfjkl;

After several weeks/months of preparation I am CRAMMING to complete my Family Adaptation and Resiliency term paper. It's a measly eight to ten pages. Nothing really. No big deal.

APRIL FOOLS! I barely did ANY preparation. The cramming part was true.

At the end of this month I'm going to be in Seattle. Weird. But good. It's something to look forward to; something I KNOW is going to happen.

Mission papers have kind of stalled. Earlier in the year my stake president said it should be okay for me to turn in my papers early so I went through the whole process. All I have left now is my stake president's interview but now he's not really sure he wants to send in my papers yet. There's like a 90-day rule or something and at first he thought it wasn't a big deal but now he's not so sure. Which means if I don't get them sent in from here, I'll have to take care of everything in Seattle. Which isn't really too big of a deal I guess but still more of a hassle than I was previously anticipating.

Everything concerning the mission is incredibly, frustratingly ambiguous. I don't know when I'll get everything turned in. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of depression issues. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of other issues. Heavenly Father really knew He needed me to commit to this last semester. If I hadn't already committed myself I would've given up. Sad but true.

Due to this ambiguity concerning the fairly near future, I have decided to prepare for school next semester as well. I've already signed up for classes and talked to someone about doing another internship (in Provo). My mom advised me to go ahead and find housing somewhere and we can put down a deposit. I hate hunting for housing. I wouldn't mind staying in Roman Gardens if they would replace the 30 year old radiation emitting microwave and gas oven/stove that gives me headaches and sucks at baking cookies and I wouldn't mind them fixing the holes in the ceilings with asbestos or getting rid of the mold growing in my bathroom. If I wasn't scared of actually dying or becoming infertile (radiating microwave), I might stay at Roman Gardens.

International Cinema/Dean's Lists

BYU is showing Heima in two weeks for International Cinema. I love Sigur Ros and I love that BYU is showing this.

Also, I made TWO Dean's Lists for my academic performance last semester.
- Dean of Students Dean's List (for multicultural, international, and open major students). Meaning I got a 3.95 GPA or higher while taking a minimum of 14 credit hours and maintaining a 3.5 overall GPA.
- College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences Dean's List. Meaning last semester I was in the top 5% of my college.

I highly doubt I'll pull off another 4.0 GPA for a full semester but I'm glad I did it at least once. It makes me feel kinda smart.