Jerusalem Center Jerusalem Center Jerusalem Center.

Reality

I had an experience one time when I was meeting with a counselor where I said something that I had never put into words before, something I had never told anyone. What I had said was something along the lines of, "I honestly believe I am capable of doing anything as long as I work hard enough." At the time, my counselor was probably a little surprised both at my confidence and the fact that I wasn't saying I couldn't do anything. He told me that that was good. He didn't bother to also tell me I was deluded. I still believe I could do calculus, make a decent piece of art, fly a plane, cook chicken saltimbocca from the food network's ridiculously complicated recipe book, etc. You know, I could even do a study abroad if I worked full-time with a decent/nice wage job for three whole summers.

Reality is I won't be able to do a study abroad before I graduate. I probably won't be able to do the Seattle Flourishing Families internship (today's interview wasn't exactly an interview and I feel like it went pretty poorly). And this really makes me quite sad. I try not to want things much. The internship I can get over fairly easily. The no study abroad thing will be a little harder. BYU's study abroad program was pretty much the only thing I was excited about when I first decided to come here. Of course, I've since found other things to be excited about here but it's still a little hard for me to accept that I won't be able to do the one thing I really wanted to do here.

Now don't I sound like a whiny brat? "Oh boo hoo I can't study abroad. My life is ruined."

I do not want to want.

I'm not sure what happened or what it is about me but I often find myself trying to not want things. Which is good to an extent. When I don't want, I don't spend excessive amounts of money on unnecessary things. I become resourceful and creative. I also find life very dull and sad. This is because I do not want even good things in life. I do not hope to get anything at all. I have found that disappointment is much more difficult for me to deal with than simply expecting nothing. And so I expect nothing. And try my best to want nothing. (This is the main reason I did not apply to many of the universities/colleges I wanted so desperately to attend, schools like New York University, University of Puget Sound, Fordham, University of Rochester, Boston, Wesleyan.)

But there are some things I want. A lot.
Like the opportunity to do a study abroad in Vienna. Or a semester at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I want to be a part of the research team next summer in Seattle.

Simply writing these things down as things I want creates lumps in my throat because I am so scared of not getting them. I am scared that not being able to do those things has deeper meaning than simply being unable to do them. I fear that being unable to do them means I am somehow a lesser person.

I realize that much of my attempting to want nothing is due to my knowledge that I can afford very little. (Applying to the schools I really wanted to go to and then getting accepted and then being unable to afford them would've killed me. Example: Acceptance to Brandeis. Brandeis was the one university I really wanted to go to that I applied to. However, I sent an incomplete application, perhaps a subconscious effort to avoid disappointment at the possibility of not being accepted. I received an acceptance letter a number of weeks later, probably due to them waiting for me to send in the last portion of the application- my teacher's recommendation form. Brandeis would've cost me somewhere around $40,000 a year. It was the only school that didn't offer me a scholarship, not that any scholarship I might have qualified for would've made much of a dent in that bill. Still, no other school I was accepted to meant much to me after being denied the opportunity to go to Brandeis. Which is dumb. Especially now that I look back on it and realize that BYU was/is the best place for me.) I do not like the fact that my economic status dictates much of what I can do. I like to believe that I am just as capable as the next person to succeed with and appreciate a study abroad program, summer enrichment programs, a trip to Europe. I do not like that I am denied these kind of opportunities because I cannot afford them. Yes, the majority of this paragraph is in parentheses.

I realize that these things that I want are unnecessary, that people have succeeded without them, that people have led perfectly healthy, wonderful lives without participating in these things, without even having the opportunity to participate in these things. I know I am greatly blessed. It's another reason why I don't want to want. I already have more than I need.

Remember, Natalie. You already have more than you need.

'kay so. (cheese)

I have officially added my Psychology minor. It is there. I have to go to another office to add the Gerontology minor. I'm still thinking about it. I should just go so I can find out more about the minor anyway though.

So. Psychology classes. FANTASTIC. I really, really, really want to take Behavioral Neurobiology.

Also, I have to take Psychological Statistics. Apparently I could've counted that class towards the Statistics I need for my major but I can't count the one I've taken towards my Psych minor. BOOOOOO. That means taking SEVEN FREAKING HOURS of statistics when I really only need to take four. Oh well, I should be a pro, right? I guess I'll actually learn those lessons that I skipped out on the last week of summer term. :P

Boo.

This keeps happening. Each time one of the TAs needs a person to fill in for them, I'm technically available. However, I'm not really available because I set aside that hour to catch up on homework I should've already finished. Not only do I get stressed out about not having finished my homework, I also miss out on helping out other people when they need me (plus getting a few extra hours of working in).

hi.

EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

Homecoming is the same week as OcTubafest.

Yes, this is a dilemma.

This

I've found something I want. This is what I want.

Let's make it happen, guys.

Last night after he left

Carly: Who was that?
Me: My exboyfriend.
Carly: The exboyfriend?
Me: The exboyfriend.
Carly: What's going on? You were so happy.
Me: I don't know.

Listening to my mix formerly known as "Best of the Best to Get Me Depressed." I thought the title was clever (and appropriate) but Brenden had me rename it "Nostalgia" which doesn't work quite as well as the original title but I'll deal with it.

I wish I was more than who I am.

Today we matched.

Today I saw a pirate. Or at least someone taking notes on fashion from a pirate. And then I saw Myles England. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Last night I finally climbed into bed around midnight. Audrey and I stayed up talking until around 1:45 AM. That was exciting. We were both really tired but at the same time still unable to sleep. We talked about anything that came to mind. Seriously it was one of the most random conversations I've ever had (probably a result of both of us being so tired). We talked about patriarchal blessings, our future husbands (plural only in the sense that there are two of us), responsibilities of fathers, becoming mothers, aliens, the Atonement, how awesome the gospel is, temples (the Houston Temple specifically), families, death, grandparents, eternal marriage, ghosts, what we speculate the pre-existence was like, haunted houses, phobias, childhood memories and everything in between. The last time I had really spoken to any girl like that was in middle school.

Around 1 AM Audrey thought she heard a knock on the front door. She got out of bed to go check it out. Thinking the only logical explanation for a knock at 1 AM on the front door of a college apartment was a murderer waiting outside to attack his victim (remember, I was tired), I figured I'd better go save Audrey. I climbed out of bed and quickly scanned my bedroom for items that could be used as potential weapons. Finding nothing I wrapped myself in my blanket, grabbed my bear, Thomas, and went to see if Audrey was about to be murdered. (Guys, I am dead serious. Those were my actual thoughts. I have to admit being slightly crazy does make life more interesting sometimes.) I scared the crap out of Audrey when she saw me approaching- this hunched over mass of human, blanket, and teddy bear. She literally fell to the floor and stayed there laughing until she was able to catch her breath again. It was fantastic. Oh yeah, there was no one at the door.

I went to the grocery store with my roommate Carly yesterday and on the way home we were talking about me volunteering at the Utah State Hospital. I pointed out to her that we lived within walking distance which is really handy for me since I probably won't have a ride every week I volunteer. Upon further thought of this "convenience" of proximity, I realized that perhaps I shouldn't feel so reassured.

I got my TB test today. It's kinda inconvenient. I have to figure out a way to get to the health center before two o'clock and then back to campus before three. It's totally doable if I run across campus right after my New Testament class then I can get to the health center around 1:15 and hope they don't take too long so I can take the bus back at 1:36. If I miss that bus then I have to walk back. I don't want to walk back during the freaking hottest time of the day although I don't know what difference it would make. I would already be all sweaty from running there earlier anyway. Stupid stupid TB test.

Tonight I'm going to Fall Fest with Audrey and Matt. They're probably going up to the hot springs tonight too. They keep trying to convince me to go but I know my mom won't let me. And I keep telling them this. I was going to go up to the hot springs during the summer term but neither of my parents wanted me to go then. I doubt they've since changed their minds. Really, I'm 21 years old and I can make my own decisions. But not only am I really tired but I also try my best to respect my parents even though I'm a big kid now. Mostly I'm just really tired.

OH MAN. I am so tired.

Ohman. Missy and I are totally going to the silent movie on Halloween.

And I'm listening to Enigma's album The Screen Behind the Mirror. Check it out. Sadly but interestingly, this album provided my first exposure to Carmina Burana. It's been a long, long time since I've listened to them. Some of Red Spectral's music which I've been listening to a lot lately reminded me of them.

Also, I'm going to a weird concert next week. I better be able to get a ride home.

I did it.

Yesterday I did something I said I would never do.

I did. I did.

In an effort to save money, I purchased Grandma bread. This morning I have suffered some consequences of that decision. This will continue until that loaf is gone (or moldy).

Why would I do such a thing?