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I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises.
He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated

\\

Wait. They don't love you like I love you.

This is a line from a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song that is widely known mostly because it is featured on Rock Band.

After taking my first Theories in Family Perspective exam tonight, I hear this line and think this is a sad person trying to appeal to an exchangeist planning on leaving her, claiming his evaluation strategy of alternatives level was not thought out as well as it should have been, that her love for him is better than the love any of the alternatives could provide, that her love for him in this current relationship is a greater reward than what he could get from any of the alternatives, that he should take into account moving costs and if the rewards from his alternatives really do outweigh those costs.

Maps.

Oh say say say. Oh say say say.

What the crap is going on?

Also, I've officially added the Gerontology minor.

//

This is called Procrastinating/Freezing/Freaking out/UGH.

I have no idea how I will ever be able to write a legitimate paper when I can barely do these stupid article summaries.

I think part of my problem is that I'm still not quite sure what I'm looking for and that I'm intimidated by everything that I need to get done. I have 2 article summaries due on Tuesday, 5 due on Friday, 2 exams this week, 2 quizzes, 40 assignments to grade (fairly lengthy assignments, mind you), and on top of all that my regular nearly-overwhelming-on-its-own class readings. Urgh.

Oh yeah. And my MacBook's battery is completely shot. I need to find $130 somewhere to buy another one.

I can't believe next week is the last full week of January. WEIRD. Time sure flies when you're consumed with readings and assignments. Oh let me tell you.

December 31st, 2009

My, what a year it's been.

I love school. I really do. As much as I complain about it, I really do love it. Kinda like my family...

This semester I volunteered twice a week, held a job, and still managed to pull off all A's. A freakin' 4.0 GPA.

Since I came back to BYU in January I've taken 17 classes and gotten 14 A's and 3 A-'s. I'm anticipating next semester to be more difficult but I am so excited and I am so ready.

Let's just think of a few things that happened this year.
I moved back to Utah and started back at BYU.
I met President Monson.
I made an awesome new friend who is now my roommate.
I was accepted to be part of a research team in Seattle.
I got a job as a TA and then got another job as another TA.
I did well in school.
I went on my first cruise.
And finally,
I got a big answer to a small prayer:
I'm going on a mission!

I spoke with my bishop the Sunday before exams and he said we'll start on papers sometime around February or March so I'll get my call before I go to Seattle but my availability date will be sometime in September.

School- Internship- Mission!
Here's to 2010!

On Grading

HELLO! YOU'RE IN COLLEGE. PLEASE LEARN HOW TO USE AN APOSTROPHE.

relapse.

This is called life working out.

From April 27th to August 13th, I will be part of a research team studying family life in Seattle, Washington. I am so excited!

Let's talk about what's been going on in just the last five days.
Thursday: I found out I might not have a job as a Human Development TA next semester because there won't be as many sections taught. There are a lot more experienced TAs so I don't anticipate staying on.
Friday: I went to Salt Lake City and saw a Ballet West performance. When I came home, I checked my email and saw that my research methods teacher emailed me. In her email, she asked me to be her TA next semester. Awesome? Yes.
Saturday: I had lunch with George Tree and Adam Jones. I hadn't seen them since my birthday. And then I watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
Sunday: Great day at church. Wonderful talks, lessons- seriously it was just a good block of meetings. That evening Brenden and I made two dinners: blueberry pancakes and then chicken and rice.
Monday: 9 AM class was cancelled so I got to sleep in. I am now a member of the Flourishing Families Seattle research team. And I got into the Family Adaptation and Resiliency class I wanted for next semester!

And tonight for FHE we're doing an egg drop contest! I'm so excited!

Jerusalem Center Jerusalem Center Jerusalem Center.

Reality

I had an experience one time when I was meeting with a counselor where I said something that I had never put into words before, something I had never told anyone. What I had said was something along the lines of, "I honestly believe I am capable of doing anything as long as I work hard enough." At the time, my counselor was probably a little surprised both at my confidence and the fact that I wasn't saying I couldn't do anything. He told me that that was good. He didn't bother to also tell me I was deluded. I still believe I could do calculus, make a decent piece of art, fly a plane, cook chicken saltimbocca from the food network's ridiculously complicated recipe book, etc. You know, I could even do a study abroad if I worked full-time with a decent/nice wage job for three whole summers.

Reality is I won't be able to do a study abroad before I graduate. I probably won't be able to do the Seattle Flourishing Families internship (today's interview wasn't exactly an interview and I feel like it went pretty poorly). And this really makes me quite sad. I try not to want things much. The internship I can get over fairly easily. The no study abroad thing will be a little harder. BYU's study abroad program was pretty much the only thing I was excited about when I first decided to come here. Of course, I've since found other things to be excited about here but it's still a little hard for me to accept that I won't be able to do the one thing I really wanted to do here.

Now don't I sound like a whiny brat? "Oh boo hoo I can't study abroad. My life is ruined."

I do not want to want.

I'm not sure what happened or what it is about me but I often find myself trying to not want things. Which is good to an extent. When I don't want, I don't spend excessive amounts of money on unnecessary things. I become resourceful and creative. I also find life very dull and sad. This is because I do not want even good things in life. I do not hope to get anything at all. I have found that disappointment is much more difficult for me to deal with than simply expecting nothing. And so I expect nothing. And try my best to want nothing. (This is the main reason I did not apply to many of the universities/colleges I wanted so desperately to attend, schools like New York University, University of Puget Sound, Fordham, University of Rochester, Boston, Wesleyan.)

But there are some things I want. A lot.
Like the opportunity to do a study abroad in Vienna. Or a semester at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I want to be a part of the research team next summer in Seattle.

Simply writing these things down as things I want creates lumps in my throat because I am so scared of not getting them. I am scared that not being able to do those things has deeper meaning than simply being unable to do them. I fear that being unable to do them means I am somehow a lesser person.

I realize that much of my attempting to want nothing is due to my knowledge that I can afford very little. (Applying to the schools I really wanted to go to and then getting accepted and then being unable to afford them would've killed me. Example: Acceptance to Brandeis. Brandeis was the one university I really wanted to go to that I applied to. However, I sent an incomplete application, perhaps a subconscious effort to avoid disappointment at the possibility of not being accepted. I received an acceptance letter a number of weeks later, probably due to them waiting for me to send in the last portion of the application- my teacher's recommendation form. Brandeis would've cost me somewhere around $40,000 a year. It was the only school that didn't offer me a scholarship, not that any scholarship I might have qualified for would've made much of a dent in that bill. Still, no other school I was accepted to meant much to me after being denied the opportunity to go to Brandeis. Which is dumb. Especially now that I look back on it and realize that BYU was/is the best place for me.) I do not like the fact that my economic status dictates much of what I can do. I like to believe that I am just as capable as the next person to succeed with and appreciate a study abroad program, summer enrichment programs, a trip to Europe. I do not like that I am denied these kind of opportunities because I cannot afford them. Yes, the majority of this paragraph is in parentheses.

I realize that these things that I want are unnecessary, that people have succeeded without them, that people have led perfectly healthy, wonderful lives without participating in these things, without even having the opportunity to participate in these things. I know I am greatly blessed. It's another reason why I don't want to want. I already have more than I need.

Remember, Natalie. You already have more than you need.