a softer world

i've been there so many times.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you




here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart




i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Song

Aimee Mann: Wise Up

Quote

I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises. He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated

a softer world

how appropriate.

I have no sanctuary.

I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album Narrow Stairs. I just closed my eyes (Yes I can type with my eyes closed) and I'm trying to imagine that I'm back in my dorm room in Heritage listening to this CD when I first got it. It's a little hard. Eyes open again.

I was told that I could go back to BYU when it appeared as though I was ready. Which means there is an actual chance that I would be going back. I love/d BYU, don't get me wrong. That place was amazing for me. But I'm back home now and I don't feel like I will ever go back. I fear it was a very temporary place for me. I wish I had spent more time outside. Simply being outside gives me a sense of freedom and space that I will never experience here at my home. I wouldn't mind sitting out on one of the jetties in the evening. But if I tell my mom I'm going to sit on the beach she'll ask me why, what for, where, how long, and having to give reason for my meditation seems to destroy it for me. And so I will lie in my bed with my computer on my lap since my desk is completely cluttered with my sister's things. I will walk back and forth from my bedroom to our living room. I don't want to read anything. I don't have any paintbrushes. I don't have my paper. I don't even have a key to my own home so if I wanted to take a walk somewhere I wouldn't be able to get back in. I don't have car keys and even if I did gas is so ridiculously expensive that my normally relaxing drives would only stress me more.

It's easy to be depressed now that I'm back at home. I love my family. They are great and supportive and caring. But sometimes they smother me. And when we are all cramped in this tiny little house with no rooms for any privacy except bathrooms it gets a little chaotic. I'm glad I got my job back at the library. That job was rather medicinal for me. A somewhat strange safe haven. The Dewey Decimal System provides me with a sense structure that no one can disrupt.

I just had an interesting idea. Maybe I will become a librarian. If working in a library is the only job I was able to keep for more than a few weeks perhaps I should consider it more seriously or at least consider something with a similar work environment.

It's 3:35. I should start peeling some potatoes.

Oh my goodness, someone save me.

Music

Um.

Classical Music Frenzy:
Carl Orff: Carmina Burana
Philip Glass: Symphonies 2 and 3
Hector Berlioz: Symphonie Fantastique; Romeo & Juliet; La Damnation de Faust
Claude Debussy: La Mer; Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun; Three Nocturnes
Edvard Grieg: Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16
Robert Schumann: Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 54
Peter Lieberson: Rilke Songs; The Six Realms; Horn Concerto

Atonement

Heavenly Father knew the pain from disobeying his commandments would be almost too hard to bear. I am so grateful that Jesus Christ went through the Atonement for me. I have horrible feelings of sadness and guilt. Guilt for what I'd done and guilt for having put Christ through this suffering for me. I am sad because I feel so alone and I know that Christ was even more alone than anyone who has ever lived on this earth when even Heavenly Father had to turn away from him. I can't believe how unbearable this is for me.

I can't be here. I can't be here.

I have to go home now.

Nonononono

I had all of my midterms planned out. I understood my D&C midterm to start on Wednesday. That's what I thought I read in the syllabus, now that I look at it more closely I suppose it could mean that the midterm is any time between the two dates not necessarily available on the first date. Crapcrapcrap.

My flight leaves at 10:30 AM on Thursday morning. The Testing Center doesn't open until 10 AM on Thursday. There is no way I could take it on the regularly scheduled times. Mom is checking to see if I can change to a later flight so I can take my exam Thursday morning. This massively sucks.

Friday I was in shock. Saturday I felt hopeless. Sunday I had my faith restored. Today everything seems to be falling apart again.

Why does it have to be like this?

Wow

I am doing my best to keep busy. Change my surroundings so as not to be bombarded with memories of just a few days ago. I don't want to feel sad. I wonder if I am running away from feelings that I need to be feeling.

I worry if I'm doing things wrong. I can barely manage being in the same room. I want to run up and wrap my arms around him. I never knew I possessed the self-discipline I've been exercising this weekend. I suppose it will get easier as the days go by.

I'm doing what I've been advised to do. Yesterday probably could've gone better for me. I think I didn't leave my dorm at all except to go to the store. I can't even really remember. (Oh wait, I went running for a little bit.) I do remember lying in my bed for most of the day crying alone, bawling over the phone, or praying in desperation for the strength to make it through this. I wasn't sure if I could even trust myself to be alone. I almost called Andy to take me to the emergency room so I could get some sedatives or something. I couldn't believe how much I felt I was losing control.

Today on the way to church Lori-Ann asked me if I was going to stop by Brenden's place. I said, "No, not today." Sadly, I probably won't be stopping by there at all for the rest of the term (which I guess is only like three more weeks but still...). Then she mentioned how he hadn't been over for awhile. I know she knows that we broke up. Because he had been over just on Friday. It's not like it's been forever. I didn't say that we weren't together anymore. I just pretended like we didn't get the chance to see each other. When will I accept it?

Church was painful. I couldn't stand being away from him, knowing he was right there. I feel horrible for having to change FHE groups. I wanted to tell Brother Thomas to switch me out, not Brenden. That was Brenden's FHE. I didn't feel it was right. I made myself go to ward choir to do something with my time. I guess I knew he would be there. I don't know if that played a part in my decision to go. I had actually planned on skipping it. I went to HFAC to find a decent piano since the one in our basement sucks but all the practice rooms were locked. I sat outside HFAC for a little while and read the newspaper from Friday and then looked at the time. 3:07. I decided to go to ward choir. I didn't sign the role because I'm not sure I want to go back. It was nice. I think I suck at singing. I can't really sight read or sing very well. And then, of course, it's just difficult being there. I wanted to leave. I want this to be over.

I want to kiss him again.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my ultimate study day. I have a paper due on Tuesday (minimum of six pages) that I have yet to start on. I have three midterms to take on Tuesday and Wednesday. And I have so much reading I need to do. SO MUCH READING. I'm less than halfway through my book for Judaism and that needs to be done by Wednesday so I can take the exam. I don't even know where I left off for D&C. And I need to get the notes from last Wednesday from someone.

Tomorrow's schedule has changed. Around 2:30 I'm supposed to go see a movie with Susan and some other kiddos from the ward. And then at 4:00 I'm meeting the Broadbent RA, Kevin, and Claire from my FHE group to go see Death Cab.

I'm thinking tomorrow is my Living Prophets class study/homework day. KLTP + Topic Paper + Study for Midterm. Probably not going to finish everything I need to which means I will probably not go to the 9 o'clock class on Tuesday so I will have more time to do my stuff to turn in at noon. Then after class on Tuesday will be Judaism and D&C stuff. I'm probably not going to get all of my D&C reading done. Which is potentially disastrous. *sigh*

I forgot to do one of my Judaism reading and writing assignments that was due on Friday at midnight. I keep reminding myself to do it and just turn it in late but I don't.

Okay. General Schedule for the next three days:
Monday: 9:35= Wake up/Shower; 10:00= Homework: Topic Paper, KLTP, Midterm studying; 2:30= Movie; 4:00= Death Cab
Tuesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Finish Prophets class homework; 12:00= Prophets Class; 2:00= Study; 3:00= Prophets Exam; 4:30= Jamba Juice reward; 4:45= Homework: Judaism and D&C
Wednesday: 7:20= Wake up; 8:00= Gymnastics class; 9:00= Shower; 9:30= Homework: Judaism; 11:00= Judaism class; 12:00= Homework: D&C; 1:00= D&C class; 3:00= Study D&C; 4:30= D&C Exam; 6:30= Study Judaism; 7:30= Judaism exam; 9:00= Go home and pack, sleep

Okay good. I have everything figured out now. I might not be able to see the movie on Monday anymore since I'm meeting at 4 to go to Death Cab. But we shall see! (If I can't go to the movie then I'll be able to do more homework anyway...)