I can enjoy being around people who are not like me but I cannot be anyone other than myself.
This is a time of self-discovery. Why is it so hard?
19.1.09
20.11.08
A Moment to Write
It's about 12:30 as I begin writing this. I meant to be in bed about 3 hours ago due to a migraine I could feel coming on. I still had dishes to wash and some floors to sweep and then my mom came home and we stayed up later. Excedrin was taken and caffeine began working. Migraine is gone and awake I stay.
Reuben isn't home yet. It's strange to me how he can function rather normally the next day after being out all night and then doing it again and again. Last night was his turn for family prayer, I took his place and then Stef said it tonight since he wasn't here. I wonder when he'll be home. The kitchen and dining room lights are on for him. I almost want to turn them off and hear him stumble on his way to his room just so I know when he gets in.
Sometimes I enjoy this caffeine-induced inability to sleep. I watch cars drive by on lonely roads and wonder where they are going. I don't like when cars drive in clusters. I get distracted by the several headlights and don't know what to think. They're unwelcome as I watch them pass. I lose track of their identities. Was it a truck or a van? Was he racing home or leaving? Is the family alright? Did her children go to sleep tucking themselves into their beds because Mother wasn't home?
When I was younger and I had difficulty sleeping I would find myself in our living room counting the cars driving down Ferry Road. And later as I grew a little older, I would find myself walking the streets of my neighborhood when I couldn't sleep wondering why people were driving passed me and where they were going so late and whose family was missing him or her.
I listen to the rush of cars down 3005. I would liken the sound to waves, speeding waves. Perhaps a recording of waves fast-forwarded to sound like cars rushing down 3005. Oh wait.
I'm not sure what to do. This drug-induced insomnia makes me feel alive. The near-silent black of night holds more magic for me than a sunrise on the horizon or the majesty of the Rocky Mountains or a symphony performing the most amazing piece of music.
This darkness presents opportunity for light to reveal itself.
Reuben isn't home yet. It's strange to me how he can function rather normally the next day after being out all night and then doing it again and again. Last night was his turn for family prayer, I took his place and then Stef said it tonight since he wasn't here. I wonder when he'll be home. The kitchen and dining room lights are on for him. I almost want to turn them off and hear him stumble on his way to his room just so I know when he gets in.
Sometimes I enjoy this caffeine-induced inability to sleep. I watch cars drive by on lonely roads and wonder where they are going. I don't like when cars drive in clusters. I get distracted by the several headlights and don't know what to think. They're unwelcome as I watch them pass. I lose track of their identities. Was it a truck or a van? Was he racing home or leaving? Is the family alright? Did her children go to sleep tucking themselves into their beds because Mother wasn't home?
When I was younger and I had difficulty sleeping I would find myself in our living room counting the cars driving down Ferry Road. And later as I grew a little older, I would find myself walking the streets of my neighborhood when I couldn't sleep wondering why people were driving passed me and where they were going so late and whose family was missing him or her.
I listen to the rush of cars down 3005. I would liken the sound to waves, speeding waves. Perhaps a recording of waves fast-forwarded to sound like cars rushing down 3005. Oh wait.
I'm not sure what to do. This drug-induced insomnia makes me feel alive. The near-silent black of night holds more magic for me than a sunrise on the horizon or the majesty of the Rocky Mountains or a symphony performing the most amazing piece of music.
This darkness presents opportunity for light to reveal itself.
3.11.08
stop #1: provo, utah
My eyes sting. A big issue with such a small living space is the lack of ventilation. My mom was frying something for dinner tonight and my eyes began to sting and there wasn't much I could do about it inside. So now I'm sitting on the balcony of our condo, I can smell cigarette smoke and hear the water falling from the mushroom in the pool. I'm wearing green shorts, a yellow cursive shirt, pink flip flops and a comfy, much too large BYU Cougar sweater. I have my Death Cab songs on shuffle (currently Expo '86). The wireless signal is much stronger out here. I might be spending more time outside now. :)
After all the complications of sending in my final portion of the BYU application, I have been readmitted and will be going back in January. By some miracle, my friend that I was planning on rooming with for this Fall semester has an empty room in her current apartment. I called the apartment complex today and filled out an application. They said I should be able to room with her, no problem. I am very excited.
After I'd read that I'd been readmitted, I told my parents. My father said congratulations and good job while my mother proceeded to jump up and down very excitedly and wake everyone else up in the condo (it was about 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning). She asked me if I was excited since I appeared to be showing no real excitement whatsoever which is how I tend to react to a lot of things that would cause others to jump up and down. (It's one reason why surprise parties aren't the best things for me. I don't get that excited about them and others can see that and they're disappointed and everyone's sad. Or I feign excitement and feel really awkward.) While I am excited to be moving away and on my own again, I'm not sure I can say I'm really "excited" about BYU. I'm incredibly grateful to be going back. And perhaps my feelings of excitement are merely blanketed by my intense gratitude.
I took forgranted my experience at BYU the first time around. I did not try hard at all. I didn't want to be there to begin with. When I realized I probably couldn't go back, I had more feelings of loss and confusion than I could comprehend. Since learning of my readmission to the university, I've found myself holding back tears of gratitude each time I've thought about BYU. I couldn't believe they readmitted me. Me! A girl they'd given a scholarship to who didn't attend most of her Church meetings, who barely pulled off a 3.0 GPA fall semester, then dropped all of her classes winter semester, then dropped all of her classes again spring term before actually being dismissed from the university. Can you imagine the amazement I experienced at reading my application status: "Winter 2009: Admitted"? A single word relieving all of my fears and doubts, answering all of my questions about my near future, freeing my mind of anxiety, providing that evidence I so earnestly sought, the evidence that I was doing something right, that my efforts were making a difference. Wow.
I'd read a quote somewhere, I'm pretty sure it was by Neal A. Maxwell, that went along the lines of this: "We should surrender our wills to our Savior, not out of fear, but out of immense gratitude for the sacrifice He made for us." How very true! If we understood just a tiny bit of what the Atonement means, of what our Savior did for us, there is no way we wouldn't be trying our best to follow the commandments.
I don't quite know how to repay my Savior and Heavenly Father for this second chance I have at Brigham Young University except to study hard, involve myself, and stick to the Honor Code while doing my best to reach out to others who might need me. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I think I'm actually in a position to do that now. Before I was so incredibly selfish, so self-centered, so unaware of those around me who could've used my friendship. I pray that I can be a better person this time around.
Yesterday at Church after Sacrament meeting, I went up to Bishop and gave him a hug. I then told him I was readmitted to BYU. He pulled me into another hug. It's nice to know how much he cares about me. This whole process helped me realize just how much our leaders truly care about us. I told Brother Nance about it as well. He gave me a nice big hug (I love his hugs) and then got a little choked up as he told me thank you and that I have been such a good example for him. Me? An example for the first counselor in the bishopric? I love Brother Nance. He's been like another father to me. He was the first bishop I can remember having. He and Sister Nance have always been there for my family, always been there for me. To think that he'd consider me an example, is overwhelming. These people that I look up to, some of them look up to me too. It only makes me want to be better.
I only want to be better.
After all the complications of sending in my final portion of the BYU application, I have been readmitted and will be going back in January. By some miracle, my friend that I was planning on rooming with for this Fall semester has an empty room in her current apartment. I called the apartment complex today and filled out an application. They said I should be able to room with her, no problem. I am very excited.
After I'd read that I'd been readmitted, I told my parents. My father said congratulations and good job while my mother proceeded to jump up and down very excitedly and wake everyone else up in the condo (it was about 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning). She asked me if I was excited since I appeared to be showing no real excitement whatsoever which is how I tend to react to a lot of things that would cause others to jump up and down. (It's one reason why surprise parties aren't the best things for me. I don't get that excited about them and others can see that and they're disappointed and everyone's sad. Or I feign excitement and feel really awkward.) While I am excited to be moving away and on my own again, I'm not sure I can say I'm really "excited" about BYU. I'm incredibly grateful to be going back. And perhaps my feelings of excitement are merely blanketed by my intense gratitude.
I took forgranted my experience at BYU the first time around. I did not try hard at all. I didn't want to be there to begin with. When I realized I probably couldn't go back, I had more feelings of loss and confusion than I could comprehend. Since learning of my readmission to the university, I've found myself holding back tears of gratitude each time I've thought about BYU. I couldn't believe they readmitted me. Me! A girl they'd given a scholarship to who didn't attend most of her Church meetings, who barely pulled off a 3.0 GPA fall semester, then dropped all of her classes winter semester, then dropped all of her classes again spring term before actually being dismissed from the university. Can you imagine the amazement I experienced at reading my application status: "Winter 2009: Admitted"? A single word relieving all of my fears and doubts, answering all of my questions about my near future, freeing my mind of anxiety, providing that evidence I so earnestly sought, the evidence that I was doing something right, that my efforts were making a difference. Wow.
I'd read a quote somewhere, I'm pretty sure it was by Neal A. Maxwell, that went along the lines of this: "We should surrender our wills to our Savior, not out of fear, but out of immense gratitude for the sacrifice He made for us." How very true! If we understood just a tiny bit of what the Atonement means, of what our Savior did for us, there is no way we wouldn't be trying our best to follow the commandments.
I don't quite know how to repay my Savior and Heavenly Father for this second chance I have at Brigham Young University except to study hard, involve myself, and stick to the Honor Code while doing my best to reach out to others who might need me. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I think I'm actually in a position to do that now. Before I was so incredibly selfish, so self-centered, so unaware of those around me who could've used my friendship. I pray that I can be a better person this time around.
Yesterday at Church after Sacrament meeting, I went up to Bishop and gave him a hug. I then told him I was readmitted to BYU. He pulled me into another hug. It's nice to know how much he cares about me. This whole process helped me realize just how much our leaders truly care about us. I told Brother Nance about it as well. He gave me a nice big hug (I love his hugs) and then got a little choked up as he told me thank you and that I have been such a good example for him. Me? An example for the first counselor in the bishopric? I love Brother Nance. He's been like another father to me. He was the first bishop I can remember having. He and Sister Nance have always been there for my family, always been there for me. To think that he'd consider me an example, is overwhelming. These people that I look up to, some of them look up to me too. It only makes me want to be better.
I only want to be better.
30.10.08
filling in the gaps (copied from handwritten journal)
Life is composed of events. Today's doctor's appointment, tomorrow's movie, next week's election. Viewing life in this way makes me disregard the moments, hours and days between these events. Which means that probably more than half of my life is spent not realizing I'm living, unaware that this moment, even this scratching of pen on paper, is significant. I need to somehow start living in those moments and appreciate them for the life they contain. I think the meaningful laughter I experience in casual conversation holds more value than the cleverly-planned-joke-generated laughter from a comedy show that I'd held in higher regard simply because it was a planned event. It's been my experience that the events I plan my life around aren't as fulfilling as I expect them to be. My most cherished memories tend to be composed of little things that I wouldn't originally have found important.
9.10.08
10/08/08
As a result of much neglect towards my original blog (a blog which I started in seventh grade though it only has entries back until 2005 due to a deletion rampage I went on after breaking up with my first long-term boyfriend) I wrote an entry in there last night/this morning. I suppose instead of directing you to that blog I could just copy and paste the whole entry in here. I'm not going to. Sorry. So if you're interested, click on the linky below!
yesterday's blog entry. CLICK ME CLICK ME!
yesterday's blog entry. CLICK ME CLICK ME!
25.9.08
Quote
Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises
"Listen, Jake," he leaned forward on the bar. "Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?"
"Yes, every once in a while."
"Do you know that in about thirty-five years more we'll be dead?"
"What the hell, Robert," I said. "What the hell."
"I'm serious."
"It's one thing I don't worry about," I said.
"You ought to."
"I've had plenty to worry about one time or other. I'm through worrying."
"Well, I want to go to South America."
"Listen, Robert, going to another country doesn't make any difference. I've tried all that. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that."
"But you've never been to South America."
"South America hell! If you went there the way you feel now it would be exactly the same. This is a good town. Why don't you start living your life in Paris?"
"Listen, Jake," he leaned forward on the bar. "Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?"
"Yes, every once in a while."
"Do you know that in about thirty-five years more we'll be dead?"
"What the hell, Robert," I said. "What the hell."
"I'm serious."
"It's one thing I don't worry about," I said.
"You ought to."
"I've had plenty to worry about one time or other. I'm through worrying."
"Well, I want to go to South America."
"Listen, Robert, going to another country doesn't make any difference. I've tried all that. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that."
"But you've never been to South America."
"South America hell! If you went there the way you feel now it would be exactly the same. This is a good town. Why don't you start living your life in Paris?"
24.9.08
16.9.08
finally
a look and leave policy has been put into action.
tomorrow my parents and aunt and uncle are going to go down tomorrow.
a $2000 fine will be given to anyone who stays after curfew at 6 PM.
tomorrow my parents and aunt and uncle are going to go down tomorrow.
a $2000 fine will be given to anyone who stays after curfew at 6 PM.
hurricane ike.
Items i took with me during the evacuation:
computer, some t-shirts, three pairs of blue jeans, a pair of dress shoes, a pair of vans, two pairs of flip-flops, one dress, two pairs of shorts, a number of books (Anna Karenina, Perrine Book of Literature, scriptures, Discourses of President Hinckley, Not my Will But Thine, The Turn of the Screw, +more), a few dvds (Stranger than Fiction, Dead Poets Society, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Testaments), ipod, and the few journals i still have here. I'm lucky. I have most of my things in storage in Utah.
My friend, Summer, stayed on the island during the hurricane because she's INSANE. Thankfully she's safe and I've been able to talk to her rather regularly since Sunday evening. She's been by my house and seen the water level. It's about halfway up our front door so I'm pretty sure most of our things have been either damaged or destroyed. She also said there's a small dumpster on our front porch.
My family is all safe here in Forney, a small suburb outside of Dallas. There are 14 people staying in a small 3 bedroom home. The family of four that lives here has taken in my whole family (6 people) and my aunt and uncle's family (4 people). It's a bit crowded but I am incredibly grateful to have people so willing to take us in at a moment's notice. They've been feeding us like crazy and treating us like royalty. We went to church here on Sunday and Stef has started going to seminary. She might start going to classes up here too. My parents and aunt and uncle are considering finding a house we can rent together for a month. We are just trying to decide whether we want to do this in Dallas or Houston which is a lot closer to Galveston. All TAMUG classes are being moved to College Station. We can't afford Chris to go up there so he's most likely withdrawing from all of his classes this semester.
I just read on the Galveston Daily News website that the mayor of Galveston has ordered all city employees not to talk to news media. (The editorial also on the Daily New website was interesting.) It's been obvious that the media hasn't been focusing on Galveston at all. Now there's this from the mayor. Only the mayor and city manager are allowed to speak to the media. The last press conference they held was less than half an hour and they only answered five questions. I noticed something that might be a discrepancy in what news was available yesterday. They said that 90% of Galveston has been searched and that 1500 people were accounted for. If they estimated that 20,000 people stayed, with only 10% of the island left to search are they expecting to find all the other 18,500 people there? I mean, seriously. How are they planning finally to tell us everything they've been keeping from us? You can't change a Texas death toll from 5 people to 5000 overnight without there being questions and many many angry people.
I am so angry. I've probably lost most of my possessions from since I was born. I am sad, distraught, confused and frustrated and now the city officials are only exacerbating the situation by giving us so little information about my hometown. I understand that they really cannot know when things will be back up and running in Galveston but not knowing ANYTHING about what's going on is really freaking frustrating. Every evacuee has his/her life on pause and there is no telling when we can press play again. There are people out of work. My parents are lucky enough to work for UTMB who is giving them paid leave but there are so many others that do not even have buildings they can return to work in. There are children out of school and we don't know when they could go back.
I don't know what to do. I'm so annoyed. I am so frustrated. I am so angry. I can't think of any other adjectives to use; that is in itself an example of how crazy I am going.
Even the President has nothing to say: "Bush, who later took an aerial tour of the area, declined to issue a statement to the press or answer any questions while in Galveston." (Galveston Daily News)
computer, some t-shirts, three pairs of blue jeans, a pair of dress shoes, a pair of vans, two pairs of flip-flops, one dress, two pairs of shorts, a number of books (Anna Karenina, Perrine Book of Literature, scriptures, Discourses of President Hinckley, Not my Will But Thine, The Turn of the Screw, +more), a few dvds (Stranger than Fiction, Dead Poets Society, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Testaments), ipod, and the few journals i still have here. I'm lucky. I have most of my things in storage in Utah.
My friend, Summer, stayed on the island during the hurricane because she's INSANE. Thankfully she's safe and I've been able to talk to her rather regularly since Sunday evening. She's been by my house and seen the water level. It's about halfway up our front door so I'm pretty sure most of our things have been either damaged or destroyed. She also said there's a small dumpster on our front porch.
My family is all safe here in Forney, a small suburb outside of Dallas. There are 14 people staying in a small 3 bedroom home. The family of four that lives here has taken in my whole family (6 people) and my aunt and uncle's family (4 people). It's a bit crowded but I am incredibly grateful to have people so willing to take us in at a moment's notice. They've been feeding us like crazy and treating us like royalty. We went to church here on Sunday and Stef has started going to seminary. She might start going to classes up here too. My parents and aunt and uncle are considering finding a house we can rent together for a month. We are just trying to decide whether we want to do this in Dallas or Houston which is a lot closer to Galveston. All TAMUG classes are being moved to College Station. We can't afford Chris to go up there so he's most likely withdrawing from all of his classes this semester.
I just read on the Galveston Daily News website that the mayor of Galveston has ordered all city employees not to talk to news media. (The editorial also on the Daily New website was interesting.) It's been obvious that the media hasn't been focusing on Galveston at all. Now there's this from the mayor. Only the mayor and city manager are allowed to speak to the media. The last press conference they held was less than half an hour and they only answered five questions. I noticed something that might be a discrepancy in what news was available yesterday. They said that 90% of Galveston has been searched and that 1500 people were accounted for. If they estimated that 20,000 people stayed, with only 10% of the island left to search are they expecting to find all the other 18,500 people there? I mean, seriously. How are they planning finally to tell us everything they've been keeping from us? You can't change a Texas death toll from 5 people to 5000 overnight without there being questions and many many angry people.
I am so angry. I've probably lost most of my possessions from since I was born. I am sad, distraught, confused and frustrated and now the city officials are only exacerbating the situation by giving us so little information about my hometown. I understand that they really cannot know when things will be back up and running in Galveston but not knowing ANYTHING about what's going on is really freaking frustrating. Every evacuee has his/her life on pause and there is no telling when we can press play again. There are people out of work. My parents are lucky enough to work for UTMB who is giving them paid leave but there are so many others that do not even have buildings they can return to work in. There are children out of school and we don't know when they could go back.
I don't know what to do. I'm so annoyed. I am so frustrated. I am so angry. I can't think of any other adjectives to use; that is in itself an example of how crazy I am going.
Even the President has nothing to say: "Bush, who later took an aerial tour of the area, declined to issue a statement to the press or answer any questions while in Galveston." (Galveston Daily News)
2.9.08
an update an update!
Someone told me when I graduated that college would be the time during which I would grow the most and become my own person. I think they were right to an extent; I don't think you necessarily have to be at college to take advantage of this period of growth in your life. Late teens and early twenties tend to be when people really start distinguishing themselves from the messy indistinguishable blob that consists of their parents and younger siblings. You don't have to be at school to do that, although much of that learning experience happened while I was at BYU. Now that I'm home I'm still learning a lot. It's weird and unfortunate to think that I'll be twenty soon and I'm still living at my parents' house. The only thing that makes me not start wailing and attacking doors to get out is that I know these last few months will probably be the last months I'll ever spend actually living here. If I don't learn to appreciate my family now, I'll never have a better opportunity. I've realized my family isn't perfect and that all of my siblings have things about them I don't like and then I fantasize about my future family and how perfect they'll be, when in all honesty, there will disagreements and imperfections there too. If I don't gain the skills to just deal with people that aren't like me or appreciate them, then I'm going to have a pretty rough time in life.
Fun Story time:
My family, Summer and her mother, and Brenden watched Shanghai Noon last night. I decided I wanted to try one of the stunts they did on there. Unfortunately, I didn't even consider that even when they did the stunt in the movie, the character ended up on the ground in pain, I just thought it looked cool. So I had Reuben hold my left leg up as I tried to swing my right leg out from underneath me and kick him in the face. Apparently when none of your limbs are touching the ground, you end up falling pretty fast. And hard. I may have finally accepted that just because I'm asian doesn't mean I'm automatically a ninja.
Fun Story time:
My family, Summer and her mother, and Brenden watched Shanghai Noon last night. I decided I wanted to try one of the stunts they did on there. Unfortunately, I didn't even consider that even when they did the stunt in the movie, the character ended up on the ground in pain, I just thought it looked cool. So I had Reuben hold my left leg up as I tried to swing my right leg out from underneath me and kick him in the face. Apparently when none of your limbs are touching the ground, you end up falling pretty fast. And hard. I may have finally accepted that just because I'm asian doesn't mean I'm automatically a ninja.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
