Pseudo-Poetry

Words flooded to mind
Prepared excuses and apologies I thought I wouldn't be using.
(Why did I prepare them then?)
Everything has a reason.
I'm accepting I cannot control this.
I won't talk to you for maybe 28 months or so.
Maybe sooner if I'm lucky.
Maybe longer if I'm not.
Who knows what will happen during that time?
(Heavenly Father)
I'll do my part
And leave the rest to the people in charge.

----------

Stronger than my desire to belt out words
Is my desire to move my body
Leaping across the pavement
Gliding along the grass
Arms flying
Hair, a muted echo of where I've been,
Sometimes covering a face beaming
With hope.

----------

I guess this is peace. This whole not necessarily understanding everything but knowing it will be okay.

I think too much about him still. I mean, of course, it's been, what, a day?

We spoke last night on the phone for awhile as he tried to explain things to me. I gave some suggestions and he said they weren't possible. This is rough. And while I still don't completely understand it, I can accept it. And I will accept it.

It's so crazy how much I've been reminded just today that people care about me and that I'm not alone up here. A friend from spring term randomly contacted me on facebook to see how I was doing, I ran into a friend from back home on my way to class, and then on my way home I saw a wonderful family friend who is teaching at BYU this fall and he invited me for dinner with his family on Sundays. A sister missionary who served in Galveston called me up to schedule dinner sometime this week (this was partly my sister's doing!). Guess what! I'm loved! Even here in Utah! Haha

I still haven't eaten though. I just have no appetite. Not too sure about what to do about that.

It's Happened...

I've become one of those people.

You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind of person who becomes so hysteric that she practically shouts over the person trying to comfort her. That was me. Just earlier. Crying and yelling over the phone while my lungs struggled for air in short, loud, shallow breaths. That was me. Cutting off my parents with shouts of "There's nothing I can do!" and "I don't understand what he meant!" as they tried consoling me.

I deleted the message. The harsh bluntness with which you wrote couldn't possibly have been what you wanted to convey. I deleted it almost immediately. Read it once, twice, three times total and deleted it. It would've been hard to remember what you said last night if I kept that message with me. It's the ending note that lingers at the end of a performance. That's the one stuck in people's heads as they exit the hall. I want to try erasing it just enough so I understand there's nothing I can do to change it while at the same time remembering your hope, your kindness.

This is it, I guess.

It's really over.

Quote

"Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may exist but you have ceased to live."
-Henry David Thoreau

This was the quote I put in my senior yearbook under my picture. I really don't know what I was talking about. Did I even have dreams or aspirations then? If I did, I've totally forgotten them now.

I didn't go grocery shopping. I won't have food to eat this week.

I missed my three lecture periods for statistics last week which means I've missed a total of six lessons of new material. Monday is my last statistics class period and exams are Wednesday and Thursday.

I missed one of my D&C classes last week as well. At least I'm still caught up in the reading for that class.

I canceled a therapy appointment scheduled for last Wednesday. That was when I had decided I was beyond help.

I cleaned my room a bit today to get ready for my new roommate. I feel bad that her side of the room has the broken bookshelf. I feel like I ought to switch.

I have church tomorrow. And Brenden is going to call me in the afternoon to tell me what's going on. EDIT (08/09/09): Brenden is going to TEXT me in the afternoon to tell me he's not going to talk to me again.

Sometimes I get angry.

Sweet Disposition

I have this song I've been listening to recently that feels nostalgic even though it's a recent discovery. I've created memories to play through my mind as I listen to it, memories of things that haven't actually happened. It's weird because the memories are just as real as the music. The music starts playing and I remember the wind blowing through my hair as I sit in the passenger seat with the window rolled down during a road trip I've never taken. I recall running around downtown Houston and just staring up at skyscrapers and feeling like my life had all the potential in the world, feeling like anything at all was possible, though that's never occurred.

The song isn't particularly remarkable. I don't know what it is about it that made me play it on repeat while I fell asleep the night I downloaded it from iTunes or what kept me playing it on repeat the whole next day and why I have it playing on repeat right now. It's made me happy enough to jump out of bed and start dancing. It's made me hopeful enough to think everything is going to be just fine. But it's losing its magic. I told Brenden about the song and how much I love it and then I played it for him and felt embarrassed by just how unremarkable it is and how meaningless it was for him. How can such a song that has no real memories attached to it mean so much to me? I'm really trying to figure it out.

As I continue to listen to it while feeling the way I've been feeling lately has made the song become more sad than happy. I'm associating it with sadness, loneliness, confusion. I'm listening to it when I'm by myself trying not to cry, creating memories that hardly resemble road trips and feelings of opportunity.

But I refuse to stop listening to it. This song that has made its way into my music library a whole three days ago has helped me in a strange way. Even though it's new to me, it makes me think of high school and the feelings I had then when I had college to look forward to, when there was potential and hope for my life to get better. Are these really supposed to be the best years of my life? Am I going to discover later, just as I did with my time in high school which I hated, that I should've been more appreciative, that I should've paid more attention to the small things that are quickly fading and to the big things that I'm disregarding?

Emptying.

I am so used to trying to be the strong one.

I always pretend that I know why things are happening or if I really don't know at all then I pretend that I understand that everything happens for a reason and just pretend to accept it. People think I'm fine because I appear fine, I sound fine, I seem to understand EVERYTHING. Sometimes my act doesn't hold. I slip up and forget my lines or add extra props to help me get through it. Sometimes when I'm trying so hard to be normal or strong, people wonder about me because being so normal during certain events ISN'T normal.

Sometimes I get horrible feelings and impulses that can only be overcome through sleeping. I feel the need to destroy things and myself. I want to throw things off my shelves, snap things in half, break my own bones and hear the satisfying crack and feel a new pain flood my senses. Something that seems to have changed since freshman year about these impulses is that I am able to still remain rational throughout them. Before, I never considered the consequences. Perhaps it's not rationality that prevents me from acting on these impulses but a keener sense of, "oh look! pain for people who love you!" And even when I'm feeling these selfish impulses to destroy everything around me including myself, I still care about the people I love and I don't want to put them through the same things that I've made them experience all through high school and into college. So I remain quiet, silent, strong and fight these impulses by retreating to sleep. I fight by retreating. I'm too weak to actually FIGHT what I feel and so I retreat to sleep and hope that the mere process of not dealing with those impulses is enough to get them away.

It's interesting to me that so many of my friends seemed to think I knew all the answers to their issues throughout high school. Now I realize it's because I pretended to be strong and knowledgeable. The reason I don't have many close relationships now is because I am afraid to show my vulnerabilities. I am scared to show that I am weak and that I don't know the answers because then I don't think people will appreciate me anymore. I think that one of the big reasons Missy and I are such good friends despite our differences is because she saw me at my lowest point. She's the one who called the hospital and rode in the ambulance with me. She's the one who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital even though I was mostly asleep. And then when I got home, she took care of me instead of getting rid of me. I need to stop trying to hide my weaknesses thinking that people won't like me because of them. When I only have one person to whom I confess all my pains, fears and concerns, I weigh them down and it isn't fair for them. But then I feel like I should just be able to deal with these things, like I should be stronger, like I shouldn't share anything with anyone because they're not their issues and if just maybe I was a better person I would be able to handle them and I don't want to admit that I'm not a better person to anyone.

Everyone knows I'm not perfect. No one is perfect but I still feel the need to act as though I am.

Last night I talked to my dad a little bit about what's going on, and it felt so nice to just unload some of my feelings of confusion and frustration while not pretending to be strong at all, not pretending like I was trying to do a noble thing.
I also talked to an old friend, whose relationship with me has been rather strained and somewhat awkward since freshman year, beginning the conversation with, "I don't really have any friends, can I talk to you?" And we spoke and he looked at things objectively and presented them in that way. And something he told me really stuck with me. "It is what it is." What? You mean I can't change what's happened so I have to deal with it now? You mean this is the current situation I'm in and I can't do anything to change it?
Yes.
A simple, straightforward, "It is what it is" was all I needed to hear. He told me I can make the situation however bad or good I want to.

I have to stop asking myself, what if I did this? or what if I do that? or what if we change this or that? I need to accept it.

It is what it is.

hi.

it's strange, the little things that act as reminders,
the things that no one else would notice
that can bring tears to your eyes,
a smile to your lips,
and everyone around wondering
"what's wrong with her?"
a dragonfly,
spinning leaves as they fall
"helicopters,"
people driving with only one headlight on,
milk, cereal, watermelon,
tillamook cheese,
crayons,
the list goes on.
you tell me this will work out
it will be okay
that i'll get through this.
really?
what other choice do i have?
you keep reminding me that we'll be happier
that things will be better.
is that supposed to make this any easier?
is what's going to happen in the future make
what's happening now any less painful?
you almost make it sound as though
i might have a say,
that something i suggest
could possibly make a difference.
it's all up to you.
i have no choices.

Label

I should come with a label across my forehead.
WARNING: Will destroy your life.

end.

destroy destroy destroy.

everything comes in threes.

ready to catapult into oblivion.
firing mindless words from my bow.
flaming shelters offer no haven.
nothing is free anymore.

this is how it will end.
falling into a vast nothing
with arms flailing, reaching,
trying to grasp anything and

failing.

Family

Yesterday we celebrated Brenden's grandfather's 80th birthday. It was wonderful.

It's difficult for me to express just how grateful I am for and how much I love all of Brenden's family. They've accepted me with arms wide open. I've only felt this kind of connection with one other family besides my own and it's because I've grown up with them in my life. How could I feel so comfortable and welcome with these new faces? Brenden's grandparents have especially been wonderful to me here in Utah. It's been nice to be able to get away from school once in awhile and visit with family.

As Brenden and I made a birthday card for his grandfather on Sunday evening, Brenden asked me to do the writing since my handwriting easily beats his on any/every level of neatness. It had been so long since I wrote "Grandpa" in a card. And the simple act of doing it struck me with such a sense of belonging and family that I cannot even begin to express my deep love and sense of appreciation for Grandma and Grandpa Binns.

After Grandpa Binns opened his cards and gifts, he started telling us stories of his life, little things he remembered and things that his mother recorded about him when he was a baby. His stories made me so happy and being with the family as he shared them made the experience even more meaningful. I saw Brenden's youngest cousin sitting next to his grandpa and hoped he would remember that night.

I didn't have that kind of experience growing up. Since three of my grandparents passed away before I was four, I didn't hear many first-hand accounts of their lives. My grandfather who passed away when I was sixteen was a quiet, prideful man. He was a good man but still very prideful and stubborn. I think his pride restrained him from sharing many stories from his life in the Philippines where he was too poor to continue in school to become the doctor he always wanted to be or even stories from his life once he moved to the United States where he was too poor to support his family without government aid. I will always regret having not asked him more about his life. My grandfather was a wonderful man. He found his greatest joy in his family. And I'm finally beginning to understand why.

I love my family so much. And I loved being with Brenden's family last night and addressing them the same way I would as my very own family. When I was trying to get Grandpa Binns's attention, I said "Grandpa" and he responded easily. My own dear grandfathers will never be replaced but being able to say "Grandpa" and having someone respond knowing it was me who said it, allowing me to call him "Grandpa" as one of his own grandchildren... what an exquisite feeling! That saying, you don't know what you have until it's gone, is so true. Sometimes I want to just grab people by the shoulders and say "APPRECIATE THIS!" especially when it concerns family.

These days, these moments are never coming back. Soon enough we will all be old and wrinkled and telling our own tales to our children and grandchildren. I won't forget Uncle Matthew's face as he laughed at one of Grandpa Binns's stories. I knew that Uncle Matthew was Grandpa Binns's son but when I saw him looking at Grandpa Binns with so much love in his eyes and heard his laugh at his story, I really understood with an even deeper understanding that Uncle Matthew was indeed Grandpa Binns's son. They were not simply two adults sitting near me conversing. They were father and son talking, laughing, loving. It was beautiful.

Sometimes someone may complain about being known as "So-and-so's sister" or "so-and-so's daughter" wondering why people don't know who she is as an individual. And while I understand that frustration, I think the depth of our relationships define us more than our hobbies or talents. I know that being Reuben and Irene's daughter means more than the fact I enjoy reading. I know that being Reuben, Chris, and Stef's sister is so much more meaningful than the fact that I can create images on paper. Our relationships make our lives more meaningful. They make us as individuals more meaningful.

School

I've officially changed my major to Family Life with an emphasis in Human Development and am currently working on my family core courses. My schedule for spring term includes Introduction to Family Processes, Strengthening Marriage and Family, and Living Prophets. Strengthening Marriage and Family is entirely based on the Proclamation on the family which I found to be very interesting. The course was created after President Boyd K. Packer told BYU faculty to do so. There's a course with the same name in the religion department that isn't quite as focused on the research that supports the Proclamation as the one in the School of Family Life is. I'm really enjoying it.

I'm really enjoying all three of my classes this term and feel very content with my choice of a major. However, though I feel content with what I've chosen, I don't like when people ask me my major and I wonder if I should say "Family Life" or not because I'm afraid that the person will immediately dismiss me as being un-academic (?) or something of the sort. I don't want those people to think "Oh, she came here to get married" because I feel like that's often the impression others not in the school of family life have of those in it. (Also, what's wrong with the goal of getting married? Isn't marriage and having a family necessary for the Plan of Salvation, which is, afterall, what we're here for?) People don't understand that Family Sciences are an actual field of research. (Side-note: BYU was named the No.1 producer of family therapy research in the nation. ) With a Family Life major you can have an emphasis in Human Development or Marriage and Family Studies or Home and Family Living. People immediately assume that a Family Life major means Home and Family Living which obviously means that a female in the major came to BYU just to get married which means they're not as smart as someone in another major like biology or physics. I somewhat understand that assumption, I think it's very wrong, but I can understand where it stems from it's just that I hate feeling like I ought to distinguish myself as someone who came to college to actually get an education. No one in any other school probably has to deal with that as much as Family Life majors. Every time I tell someone I'm majoring in Family Life I feel the need to further explain myself "I'm a family life major with an emphasis in human development. I'm planning on going on to graduate school to get my master's. Then I'm hoping to get a job as a marriage and family therapist. I'm still considering the possibility of furthering my education to earn a PhD." I shouldn't feel that much explanation is necessary to avoid misconceptions. Maybe I just shouldn't worry about misconceptions and let people think what they want. But I really wish that, if nowhere else, at least at BYU where most students have a knowledge and testimony of the Plan of Salvation, people wouldn't discredit studying the family.

Sorry about that ramble. Just something I was thinking about today that was triggered by some strangers I was walking in front of whose conversation really bothered me.

In other news, my grades for winter semester were fantastic! It's evidence for me that, HEY! I CAN DO THIS COLLEGE THING!
Intro to Music: A (fills a GE requirement)
HEPE: A (finishes a GE requirement)
World Religions: A (fills GE + Religion requirement)
Human Development: A (major core course)
Biology: A- (GE)
Book of Mormon: A- (religion requirement)
I haven't gotten all As and A-s since middle school (stupid high school math classes)! So my semester GPA is a 3.9! Woohoo!