Boo.

MY COMPUTER'S HARD DRIVE CRASHED.

And I've lost everything on it. Because I am an idiot and do not regularly back up my data.

Key things lost:
Music (though Chris has a lot of it)
(I had almost all of my pictures backed up)
Schoolwork since Winter 2010, including ALL of my internship homework due in 1.5 weeks
Random journal entries, letters never sent, recipes
Also... Microsoft Office.

Having lived through a hurricane puts things in perspective though. And even though all I wanted to do yesterday was cry, I feel a lot better about the whole situation now.

It's refreshing to start over. It's refreshing to be reminded that these things that we own really mean nothing. That even after losing a house, most belongings, and everything I've put on this computer since June 2007, I'm still alive and well. These items aren't my life after all.

|| (pity party)

There is something between me and the others here that is serving as a serious barrier from making connections. It's getting beyond disheartening. It's getting hopeless.

I do things with others. I actually do a lot of things with others. But I'm still not as social as everyone else here and maybe that's where the problem really lies. I don't want to go out and do stuff every single day. But it seems as though if I don't then I'm missing out on serious time with everyone which must mean I don't want to be anyone's friend.

It doesn't help when my roommates talk about me with others in our living room when I'm just a room over and can easily hear their conversation.

I'm feeling ostracized and lonely. I feel like my efforts are incredibly worthless. I'm not making those connections.

For example, my research partner, Heidi, and I get along great. We have similar interests and like to explore Seattle together. We seriously have everything in place for being the best of friends. But even with all the time we spend together and the fun things we do I still haven't quite found that connection. I finally found someone who enjoys the same music and activities I enjoy, someone who wants to go to shows and walk around downtown, and I'm having an incredibly difficult time making that connection.

I feel like I'm right on top of it. This is a weird analogy but it's what came to mind. I feel like that connection is like a ball of dough wrapped in plastic wrap. I can knead the dough, do the things friends should do together, but I can't make the bread, form the relationship, without taking off the stupid plastic wrap and I CAN'T TAKE OFF THE STUPID PLASTIC WRAP. I don't even know what the plastic wrap is.

In other news, I've decided I'm not going to serve a mission. Moving out to Seattle has been a good experience for me because it's reminded me of the fragility of my mental and emotional capabilities. It's been so hard for me moving here. It could be better. It's not what I imagined. I'm doing all the things I planned on doing and I'm spending more time with people that aren't Brenden than I've probably done all of last year. And I'm not happy. It's been difficult and it's really made me think about what this means for me. What does it mean for my ability to move away for graduate school? Am I even capable of handling graduate school? What does it mean for my depression? Is it coming back? Did it ever really go away? Do I need professional help, medication? What does it mean for next semester when I'm back at BYU and Brenden isn't there because he's on a mission and Missy isn't around because she's in DC and Carly isn't around because she's married? Why is it so impossible for me to make new connections when I'm putting forth the effort? Other relationships just seemed to happen. I don't know what it is. I want to be friends with these people. I really do.

//

I'm one of those people who think conversation is necessary when people are in close proximity. Except that I'm incredibly shy. When I don't know people very well, especially in large groups, I CANNOT talk to people. This makes for intense discomfort, even pain at times, on my part. And I am keenly aware of this discomfort and pain. Keenly aware. I'm not sure what this means for me and making friends. I watch people trying to figure out what it is that they do. How they talk to people so naturally. I simply can't figure out how they talk to each other so easily. I feel like I know the people on my team well enough to hold a decent conversation about things we may have in common and yet anytime I try to say anything in a casual manner, I end up feeling incredibly awkward and almost robotic. I try laughing when people make jokes just so they know I'm still there. And even then, I disappear because everyone else is laughing and their laughter is louder than mine because they are genuinely happy and not just pretending to be so people will remember their presence.

I realized how much of a problem this was when the thought of seriously googling "how to make friends" ran through my head (Big Bang Theory, anyone?). I think it's all part of self-esteem issues that I didn't realize I still had when I was in the comfort of Provo with already established friendships. When I'm sitting in the car with Brenden I barely breathe because I'm talking so much. Here I offer the front seat to anyone else riding in the car because I know I will just end up awkwardly sitting there hoping people don't notice my lack of contribution to the conversation. At least in the backseat I'm not literally in the middle of the conversation. Sometimes I actually wonder if I have any opinions or care about anything. At all. Ever.

I'm having thoughts I haven't had in a long, long time. And then I doubt my ability to serve a mission without having another breakdown. I think I think too much. Even when I was little, I wrote in my journal that I think too much. I think it really only becomes a problem when I feel I can't talk to anyone about anything. My thoughts collect in my mind and I can't get them out. I think about writing things down and then I'm afraid paper will betray and people will see that I'm a very sad girl who actually thinks a lot more than she lets on. I'm afraid people will leave me. Right now people don't care about who I am. I don't get in anyone's way, I don't necessarily contribute but I don't hurt people either. I'm just there. And because that's good enough for others I realize that even if I made extended efforts to talk and be sociable it really doesn't even matter.

asdfjkl;

After several weeks/months of preparation I am CRAMMING to complete my Family Adaptation and Resiliency term paper. It's a measly eight to ten pages. Nothing really. No big deal.

APRIL FOOLS! I barely did ANY preparation. The cramming part was true.

At the end of this month I'm going to be in Seattle. Weird. But good. It's something to look forward to; something I KNOW is going to happen.

Mission papers have kind of stalled. Earlier in the year my stake president said it should be okay for me to turn in my papers early so I went through the whole process. All I have left now is my stake president's interview but now he's not really sure he wants to send in my papers yet. There's like a 90-day rule or something and at first he thought it wasn't a big deal but now he's not so sure. Which means if I don't get them sent in from here, I'll have to take care of everything in Seattle. Which isn't really too big of a deal I guess but still more of a hassle than I was previously anticipating.

Everything concerning the mission is incredibly, frustratingly ambiguous. I don't know when I'll get everything turned in. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of depression issues. I don't know if I'll be able to go because of other issues. Heavenly Father really knew He needed me to commit to this last semester. If I hadn't already committed myself I would've given up. Sad but true.

Due to this ambiguity concerning the fairly near future, I have decided to prepare for school next semester as well. I've already signed up for classes and talked to someone about doing another internship (in Provo). My mom advised me to go ahead and find housing somewhere and we can put down a deposit. I hate hunting for housing. I wouldn't mind staying in Roman Gardens if they would replace the 30 year old radiation emitting microwave and gas oven/stove that gives me headaches and sucks at baking cookies and I wouldn't mind them fixing the holes in the ceilings with asbestos or getting rid of the mold growing in my bathroom. If I wasn't scared of actually dying or becoming infertile (radiating microwave), I might stay at Roman Gardens.

International Cinema/Dean's Lists

BYU is showing Heima in two weeks for International Cinema. I love Sigur Ros and I love that BYU is showing this.

Also, I made TWO Dean's Lists for my academic performance last semester.
- Dean of Students Dean's List (for multicultural, international, and open major students). Meaning I got a 3.95 GPA or higher while taking a minimum of 14 credit hours and maintaining a 3.5 overall GPA.
- College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences Dean's List. Meaning last semester I was in the top 5% of my college.

I highly doubt I'll pull off another 4.0 GPA for a full semester but I'm glad I did it at least once. It makes me feel kinda smart.

/Classes/

These are the classes I still need to take before I graduate:

Remaining GE's:
-Civilization 1
-Civilization 2
-Third Year Writing
-American Heritage (Retake)

Major: Family Life- Marriage and Family Emphasis:
-Aging in the Family
-Cross-Cultural Family
-Advanced Family Processes
-Moral Foundations in the Family OR Family and Public Policy OR Marriage and Family Therapy

Minor: Gerontology:
-Sociology of Aging
-Internship (I plan on fulfilling this credit through working with local hospice care.)

Minor: Psychology:
-LDS Perspectives in Psychology
-Personality
-Intro to Social Psychology
-Psychological Statistics

I'm kind of crazy and want to take 18 credit hours for one semester so I can finish both my major and my gerontology minor in just one semester. Those 18 hours would include the internship and if I did that then I probably wouldn't work during that semester. I don't think it would be that different from this semester since I'm currently taking 15 hours and working a part-time job. I would finish my psychology minor in another semester and take one of my civilization classes. Then during a spring term I would take 9 hours of my GE's.

I really just want to finish as soon as I possibly can. But a major thing I need to keep in mind is how well I will perform if I'm rushing through these courses. I need good grades to get into grad school. Booooooooooo.

How do I still have so many classes?

I'm considering dropping the psychology minor. That would leave me with just two more semesters of school and no suicidal tendencies. The psychology minor would probably be helpful in getting into grad school though.

I DON'T KNOW. School drives me crazy. I want to finish it as soon as is humanly possible but I am so glad I'm planning on serving a mission. (Not that I consider a mission some kind of vacation.)

Also. I am so dang mad that I am probably not going to get an A in my stupid Family Adaptation and Resiliency class. How can my professor approve my term paper's research question, let me turn in research assignments pertaining to that specific research question and then tell me after I turn in my detailed outline (a month before the term paper is due) that my question is probably not what he is looking for in the paper? Thankfully I won't have to completely change my question but I will have change it around a bit and find more research that deals directly with the changed question. SOOOO lame.

But in other news, my siblings come next week! (As do two exams.)

\\

I had been set on marriage and family therapy. That's what I was going to do. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was an attempt to hold onto an old dream I had.

Time to re-evaluate: What am I passionate about? Where can I best use my talents?

People. I really do love people. I'm really shy but I do care about people. Actually, I care about them quite a bit.

So I'm considering social work (not that there aren't a number of other professions where people can show their love for people). There are so many things I could do with a MSW that involve helping others. In the process of researching social work programs I found something that sounded really awesome. A dual degree program for a masters of social work and public health! There are actually a few schools I've looked at that offer that option. It would take the same amount of time as a MFT program would take (3 years) and it sounds twentymillion times more like something I can be excited about. I think it's definitely something that deserves my attention.

//

This is one of those weeks where I wish I was at home or that my mom was here. Where I wish I didn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning or getting to and from school.

This is one of those weeks where there are seriously not enough hours in the day. (I've planned out the use of each hour for the rest of this week and I'm still barely squeezing enough time in to do an article summary for one of my classes.)

Why am I blogging?

Because if I don't take a five minute break from studying I'm going to explode.

||

I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises.
He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. - Everything is Illuminated

\\

Wait. They don't love you like I love you.

This is a line from a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song that is widely known mostly because it is featured on Rock Band.

After taking my first Theories in Family Perspective exam tonight, I hear this line and think this is a sad person trying to appeal to an exchangeist planning on leaving her, claiming his evaluation strategy of alternatives level was not thought out as well as it should have been, that her love for him is better than the love any of the alternatives could provide, that her love for him in this current relationship is a greater reward than what he could get from any of the alternatives, that he should take into account moving costs and if the rewards from his alternatives really do outweigh those costs.

Maps.

Oh say say say. Oh say say say.

What the crap is going on?

Also, I've officially added the Gerontology minor.