My upper body is sore and burned. My left arm itches like crazy. But I'm still alive. Hope you're happy.
Monday while I was sobbing on the phone to my father, a friend called and took me to Seven Peaks for free and then to his family's house for hamburgers and hot dogs. It was a good distraction. Hopefully things like that will be more than distractions soon. Hopefully they'll actually be enjoyable.
Yesterday for my birthday I woke up around 7:30, walked to school, ate an english muffin for breakfast, read for my research class, did my office hour, tried to go to devotional but it was packed already, read for abnormal psych class, tried to go see Larita about my work hours and failed since it was her lunch break, read for abnormal psych class, ate a hot pocket (yes, a hot pocket) and sour gummy worms and drank an orange soda, thank you BYU vending, went to the Human Development lecture (it's strange sitting in a class and not actually having to pay attention), got on a bus and went home. At home I tried to do more reading for my research class but ended up taking a nap instead. Hey look guys! I'm still functioning!
I went bowling last night. With Lucinda, George, Adam, Scott, Audrey, Sarah, and Matt. It was good. My roommates and I are going on a road trip to Las Vegas sometime. We're also going country dancing (WHAT?!). Tomorrow I'm cooking for twelve people. I stole some free pizza for cinnamon tree residents yesterday.
Not sure what's going on. I'm not going to write him anymore. At least until he actually gets out or until I can manage to write something that doesn't say, ohgoshineedyousomuchrightnow. I still know his classes and where he's going and when some of his performances are. But I have to ignore that knowledge. Well most of it at least. I cannot see him at all until I have gotten this under control. I don't want to even run into him on campus anymore.
School seems slightly more doable than it did on Sunday. Slightly. I'll try not to fail all of my classes.
My dad is coming up to see me.
9.9.09
8.9.09
Quote.
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
-Sylvia Plath
-Sylvia Plath
5.9.09
Yesterday
Mom: If Carly didn't go to the gallery stroll, who are you there with?
Me: Brenden.
Mom: ...What? I thought- Hold on. I guess you'll explain it to me tomorrow.
Me: (I wish I could but I don't know what to do or what's happening. I'm afraid nothing is happening. There won't be anything to explain tomorrow.)
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Can we just skip it? Although people tend to rejoice at miracles and the fact that I'm still alive is a miracle. I don't know how my organs can take it. They're very nice. They seem to know the next day won't be as bad as the current. They seem to forget that it's a cycle and eventually the next day will be as bad as that one or even worse.
I've been averaging about one minor breakdown a year since eighth grade, where I question everything about my life, about where it's going, about what it's good for, where I completely give up on the Lord, where I wish that people could read my mind.
I locked myself in a bathroom stall yesterday for an hour and a half and cried. People would walk in and out and no one knew. Or maybe they could hear my quiet sobs but they didn't know what to do and so they pretended not to hear. I started crying in the Wilk while trying to eat a ridiculously expensive lunch. When the tears wouldn't stop I threw away the three quarters remaining of my food and left.
I missed my first class of Judaism yesterday.
I have a really hard time believing I'll ever graduate. I just don't think I'll get there. I really do not believe I am capable of completing all the coursework without causing severe harm to myself. It's so easy to hurt yourself. You think it matters to no one else. Somewhere in your guilt-ridden mind you do understand how much you can destroy others by destroying yourself. At least I understand. However, I believe that some other people really don't. Maybe that's why I'm scared to get close to people. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of commitment. Because I don't want to disappoint, to destroy anyone else.
Me: Brenden.
Mom: ...What? I thought- Hold on. I guess you'll explain it to me tomorrow.
Me: (I wish I could but I don't know what to do or what's happening. I'm afraid nothing is happening. There won't be anything to explain tomorrow.)
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Can we just skip it? Although people tend to rejoice at miracles and the fact that I'm still alive is a miracle. I don't know how my organs can take it. They're very nice. They seem to know the next day won't be as bad as the current. They seem to forget that it's a cycle and eventually the next day will be as bad as that one or even worse.
I've been averaging about one minor breakdown a year since eighth grade, where I question everything about my life, about where it's going, about what it's good for, where I completely give up on the Lord, where I wish that people could read my mind.
I locked myself in a bathroom stall yesterday for an hour and a half and cried. People would walk in and out and no one knew. Or maybe they could hear my quiet sobs but they didn't know what to do and so they pretended not to hear. I started crying in the Wilk while trying to eat a ridiculously expensive lunch. When the tears wouldn't stop I threw away the three quarters remaining of my food and left.
I missed my first class of Judaism yesterday.
I have a really hard time believing I'll ever graduate. I just don't think I'll get there. I really do not believe I am capable of completing all the coursework without causing severe harm to myself. It's so easy to hurt yourself. You think it matters to no one else. Somewhere in your guilt-ridden mind you do understand how much you can destroy others by destroying yourself. At least I understand. However, I believe that some other people really don't. Maybe that's why I'm scared to get close to people. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of commitment. Because I don't want to disappoint, to destroy anyone else.
3.9.09
I cannot handle this.
I have nowhere to cry anymore.
I have a constant headache. It's so hard to sleep. I don't want to eat. I cannot focus on anything.
Holy crap. I want some Xanax. Maybe I should get back on antidepressants. This is just like my first semester at BYU except it's worse. I can't do that again. I can't go through that again.
And I'm crying for things that I tell others to do without crying.
I have nowhere to cry anymore.
I have a constant headache. It's so hard to sleep. I don't want to eat. I cannot focus on anything.
Holy crap. I want some Xanax. Maybe I should get back on antidepressants. This is just like my first semester at BYU except it's worse. I can't do that again. I can't go through that again.
And I'm crying for things that I tell others to do without crying.
Somedays aren't yours at all.
Day 4 of school. Day 3 of work. Day 2 of remembering to apply antiperspirant since school started. Day 1 of remembering to bring my debit card to school. Day 1 of FORGETTING my cell phone. Eventually I'll get it all right.
I went to a TA training meeting again today. This one was for all TAs in the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences. I saw Heather, my TA from Nelson's class this past spring term, and I sat with Hannah, another new TA who is TAing for the same lecture I am. The meeting was about discrimination and harassment and avoiding it. I wonder if what I've been doing lately counts as harassment. It has to be unwelcome to be considered harassment. I don't think it's unwelcome... Haha, not to worry. I'm not actually harassing anyone. It's just kinda funny to think that under other circumstances what I've done lately could get me into big trouble.
So I realized that if I sit with my neck turned a certain way I get a little disoriented when I straighten it back out.
Yesterday around 2 PM I began feeling a little dizzy and the feeling stayed with me all through the evening until I finally went to bed which I actually struggled with a lot because I'm really good at staying awake when I'm tired and depressed. And even though I couldn't sleep I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to meet my roommate's friends in my living room. Eventually I did fall asleep and was then woken up by my phone ringing. It was 10:20 PM and for whatever reason I immediately thought it was Brenden calling me. (Perhaps it was because I had gone to bed depressed thinking of Brenden.) My disappointment was evident in my voice as I spoke to my father on the other line. I had been able to pass off that disappointment as grogginess/annoyance at having been woken up. I wish I had told him how I felt. Oh well.
Sleep has the effect of erasing those lines drawn between reality and dreams. Or rather how we discern them. And for those brief moments before dreams envelop you or reality fully consumes you, you truly believe anything is possible. And then you either dream of things that aren't real and it doesn't matter what seemed possible or you get up and face reality and redraw those lines even more bold and in Sharpie in the hopes that sleep won't erase them again and leave you feeling so disappointed when you wake up.
The only groceries I've purchased since I've gotten back is a bag of salad and box of cereal bars from the creamery. I've tried thinking of things I need to buy but I can't think of anything I want to eat or cook or anything so I haven't found the need to actually go grocery shopping yet. I guess I can't survive on donuts and salad forever. Especially when the Cougareat is closed. I am running out of detergent, though.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm already behind in my classes. Maybe it's the transition from spring and summer terms to another major semester, going from taking only 2 or 3 classes at one time to taking 6 and beginning a new job. Whatever it is, I don't like it and I want to just quit everything. But I can't quit everything because I have to do something and I can only think of one thing I want to do. (I don't even want to sleep. How bizarre is that?) All I want to do is sit around and write a lot about how much I don't want to do anything and think about how much I wish I could write better than I do.
Okay I guess that's not the only thing I want to do. I want to be with him, too.
Honestly,
Is that too much to ask?
I went to a TA training meeting again today. This one was for all TAs in the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences. I saw Heather, my TA from Nelson's class this past spring term, and I sat with Hannah, another new TA who is TAing for the same lecture I am. The meeting was about discrimination and harassment and avoiding it. I wonder if what I've been doing lately counts as harassment. It has to be unwelcome to be considered harassment. I don't think it's unwelcome... Haha, not to worry. I'm not actually harassing anyone. It's just kinda funny to think that under other circumstances what I've done lately could get me into big trouble.
So I realized that if I sit with my neck turned a certain way I get a little disoriented when I straighten it back out.
Yesterday around 2 PM I began feeling a little dizzy and the feeling stayed with me all through the evening until I finally went to bed which I actually struggled with a lot because I'm really good at staying awake when I'm tired and depressed. And even though I couldn't sleep I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to meet my roommate's friends in my living room. Eventually I did fall asleep and was then woken up by my phone ringing. It was 10:20 PM and for whatever reason I immediately thought it was Brenden calling me. (Perhaps it was because I had gone to bed depressed thinking of Brenden.) My disappointment was evident in my voice as I spoke to my father on the other line. I had been able to pass off that disappointment as grogginess/annoyance at having been woken up. I wish I had told him how I felt. Oh well.
Sleep has the effect of erasing those lines drawn between reality and dreams. Or rather how we discern them. And for those brief moments before dreams envelop you or reality fully consumes you, you truly believe anything is possible. And then you either dream of things that aren't real and it doesn't matter what seemed possible or you get up and face reality and redraw those lines even more bold and in Sharpie in the hopes that sleep won't erase them again and leave you feeling so disappointed when you wake up.
The only groceries I've purchased since I've gotten back is a bag of salad and box of cereal bars from the creamery. I've tried thinking of things I need to buy but I can't think of anything I want to eat or cook or anything so I haven't found the need to actually go grocery shopping yet. I guess I can't survive on donuts and salad forever. Especially when the Cougareat is closed. I am running out of detergent, though.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm already behind in my classes. Maybe it's the transition from spring and summer terms to another major semester, going from taking only 2 or 3 classes at one time to taking 6 and beginning a new job. Whatever it is, I don't like it and I want to just quit everything. But I can't quit everything because I have to do something and I can only think of one thing I want to do. (I don't even want to sleep. How bizarre is that?) All I want to do is sit around and write a lot about how much I don't want to do anything and think about how much I wish I could write better than I do.
Okay I guess that's not the only thing I want to do. I want to be with him, too.
Honestly,
Is that too much to ask?
2.9.09
Crash.
Okay. So Brenden made the Philharmonic Orchestra? I'm really happy for him! At the same time I'm incredibly bummed that I cannot celebrate with him. Like so bummed in fact that I'm about ready to cry. Holy crap. Congratulations, Brenden! I'm planning on going to his performances. I probably shouldn't feel this bad when I should be so happy for him. I am so happy for him. So why am I crying now?
I want to be there for him. I want to be there with him.
I thought I was fine. Why does this hurt so much?
I'm feeling so horrible right now. I knew a crash was coming. I always know a crash is coming whenever I feel good. It happens every time. I can't feel good or happy or excited about anything without worrying about how soon it will be until I feel crappy. I mean I guess that's life. Except that this happiness and crappiness is somewhere between normal and bipolar. Definitely not bipolar but definitely not normal either.
It started tonight in my Abnormal Psychology class. I began to feel unsure of everything I was doing. Nothing felt right anymore. I want to go home but I don't have one. I don't have a place I call home anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do at all. This is so bad.
This is so bad.
I want to be there for him. I want to be there with him.
I thought I was fine. Why does this hurt so much?
I'm feeling so horrible right now. I knew a crash was coming. I always know a crash is coming whenever I feel good. It happens every time. I can't feel good or happy or excited about anything without worrying about how soon it will be until I feel crappy. I mean I guess that's life. Except that this happiness and crappiness is somewhere between normal and bipolar. Definitely not bipolar but definitely not normal either.
It started tonight in my Abnormal Psychology class. I began to feel unsure of everything I was doing. Nothing felt right anymore. I want to go home but I don't have one. I don't have a place I call home anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do at all. This is so bad.
This is so bad.
1.9.09
Hey Look! It's September!
Today was day one of TA madness. I got to school around 8:30 and went to the office in the JSFB to turn in my TA form. The lady explained a million different things at once and handed me a little booklet and said thank you which I assumed meant we were done and it was time for me to leave. I took it and was incredibly grateful to realize that the booklet covered everything that she had quickly tried explaining to me. I still had to get another form filled out before I could officially start working. I went to the Student Employment office to fill that out and they told me I needed my Social Security card, Passport, or Birth Certificate before I could fill it out. Thankfully my mother gave me my Birth Certificate before I left for school this semester because I need to get a Passport sometime soon. I called Audrey, my roommate, who was still at the apartment and she got it for me and brought it when she came to campus. I got back in line at the Student Employment office. This line was way longer than when I had gone earlier in the morning. This line was so long that I was in it for an hour and the people working there set up a movie (Tale of Despereaux, to be exact) for the people in line to watch while they waited. I got it filled out though, just in time to grab lunch with Nielson and then head over to the SFL TA Office so I could do my first office hour of the semester. I met the Head TA, Jessi, whose inbox I've been flooding with questions ever since she sent out the first email to all TAs. She seems really nice and I'm excited to work with her. I met another TA who is also brand new, Hannah from Fort Worth. She and I will be TA-ing for the same lecture. I went to the first lecture today and got to stand in the front at the podium and talk into a microphone to 300 students about myself. I really hope I won't have to do too much of that but I guess it's good to have to step outside my comfort zone every now and then. Still, I'd like to avoid that as much as possible.
I have to get a TB test before I can volunteer at Utah State Hospital. I just arranged that for 9:50 AM on my BIRTHDAY. Why? Because that is the soonest I can have one done and the sooner I get one done, the sooner I can volunteer. I wanted to get one this Friday but I can't because the clinic won't be open on Monday so they wouldn't be able to check it. Booooooo. I want to get everything done as soon as I can so I can get my schedule all worked out. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I'm still in a frenzy trying to figure out my schedule and work out homework time, sleeping time, eating time, working time, etc. Oh, and social time, too. If it fits.
I walked to Chadder's with Sarah, one of my roommates, tonight for a burger and fries. It was good and I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She can get me into rock climbing for free anytime and she even said we could get our whole FHE group to go rock climbing sometime for FHE. She works at Color me mine and she could get us major discounts if we wanted to go there for FHE also. Also for one of Audrey's classes she needs to plan parties (kinda cool, right?) so I'm totally giving her free reign for FHE sometime this semester.
So my official work hours are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have an office hour at 12-1 on Tuesday and go to the Human Development lecture at 1:35- 2:50 that day. Then I have a TA meeting on Thursday at 11 and another office hour at 1-2. My Tuesday hours kinda suck because I don't think I'll have time to go to devotional at the Marriott Center and get back in time to work. I'll probably just watch it at the Varsity Theater again this semester.
I decided that I really miss the HFAC. I don't have any classes there this semester and though I didn't have any classes there this whole summer, I still went there a lot with Brenden. I miss sitting on the benches outside and waiting for Brenden to come pick me up after class. So I went there today. I was actually walking through the HFAC to get to the MOA and sit outside there but I stopped and walked out onto the area towards the JKB and ASB and read scriptures there until Audrey came with my stuff for my I-9 form. It was really nice. It was still in the morning around 9ish so it wasn't hot and there weren't a lot of people walking in and out at that entrance. I don't know if I'll make reading there a regular thing though because that increases the likelihood of running into Brenden and I almost feel like that's cheating somehow. .. Yeah, I don't know. I'm weird.
Audrey, Carly (another of my roommates) and I joined a dinner group. !!! I'm feeling very wary of this whole thing just because it's kinda a commitment and I don't really like commitments on top of other commitments. Plus I'll have to provide dinner for people. Which means I'll have to cook and other people will have to eat it. Eleven other people to be exact. AND it's Monday- Thursday. Am I psycho? I want to be more social. Is this a good way to do it? I really hope this doesn't end up being insanely stressful or crappy or anything. I at least know three people in it- Audrey, Carly, and Darrell (the dude that invited us to do it). Oh man, I hope this doesn't suck. Haha
I have to get a TB test before I can volunteer at Utah State Hospital. I just arranged that for 9:50 AM on my BIRTHDAY. Why? Because that is the soonest I can have one done and the sooner I get one done, the sooner I can volunteer. I wanted to get one this Friday but I can't because the clinic won't be open on Monday so they wouldn't be able to check it. Booooooo. I want to get everything done as soon as I can so I can get my schedule all worked out. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I'm still in a frenzy trying to figure out my schedule and work out homework time, sleeping time, eating time, working time, etc. Oh, and social time, too. If it fits.
I walked to Chadder's with Sarah, one of my roommates, tonight for a burger and fries. It was good and I really enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She can get me into rock climbing for free anytime and she even said we could get our whole FHE group to go rock climbing sometime for FHE. She works at Color me mine and she could get us major discounts if we wanted to go there for FHE also. Also for one of Audrey's classes she needs to plan parties (kinda cool, right?) so I'm totally giving her free reign for FHE sometime this semester.
So my official work hours are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have an office hour at 12-1 on Tuesday and go to the Human Development lecture at 1:35- 2:50 that day. Then I have a TA meeting on Thursday at 11 and another office hour at 1-2. My Tuesday hours kinda suck because I don't think I'll have time to go to devotional at the Marriott Center and get back in time to work. I'll probably just watch it at the Varsity Theater again this semester.
I decided that I really miss the HFAC. I don't have any classes there this semester and though I didn't have any classes there this whole summer, I still went there a lot with Brenden. I miss sitting on the benches outside and waiting for Brenden to come pick me up after class. So I went there today. I was actually walking through the HFAC to get to the MOA and sit outside there but I stopped and walked out onto the area towards the JKB and ASB and read scriptures there until Audrey came with my stuff for my I-9 form. It was really nice. It was still in the morning around 9ish so it wasn't hot and there weren't a lot of people walking in and out at that entrance. I don't know if I'll make reading there a regular thing though because that increases the likelihood of running into Brenden and I almost feel like that's cheating somehow. .. Yeah, I don't know. I'm weird.
Audrey, Carly (another of my roommates) and I joined a dinner group. !!! I'm feeling very wary of this whole thing just because it's kinda a commitment and I don't really like commitments on top of other commitments. Plus I'll have to provide dinner for people. Which means I'll have to cook and other people will have to eat it. Eleven other people to be exact. AND it's Monday- Thursday. Am I psycho? I want to be more social. Is this a good way to do it? I really hope this doesn't end up being insanely stressful or crappy or anything. I at least know three people in it- Audrey, Carly, and Darrell (the dude that invited us to do it). Oh man, I hope this doesn't suck. Haha
31.8.09
Whoa.
School has definitely started.
Right now I feel so crazy. I'm incredibly excited about this semester but trying to get organized the first week is a bit overwhelming. I'm still arranging my schedule my around. I dropped the Civilizaton: Literature class and I switched to a different Abnormal Psychology class. Instead of having class from 4-6:30 on Monday I'll have class from 5-7:30 on Wednesday which will make my Wednesday schedule a bit longer and my Monday schedule a bit better for my calling and not so rushed.
Today I went to five classes (I changed Psychology after going for the first class) and I knew people in the first four of those. It was fantastic! I met some other people too which was really nice. I had lunch with Missy and Rachel at the MOA cafe and I think we're going to start up MOA Mondays again with a little group of friends. There's nothing like overpriced salads and good conversation on Mondays! I miss people. My last fall semester at BYU was my freshman year. Weird how everything has changed so much since then. Also...I HATE how crowded it is on campus again! Major semesters bug the heck out of me. People EVERYWHERE.
(There's a tuba playing in one of Regina Spektor's songs on her latest album. That's exciting!)
I'm really quite nervous about my Abnormal Psychology and Critical Inquiry & Research Methods classes. Abnormal Psychology is going to really interesting but it just seems a bit more difficult than my other classes (based on the syllabus, at least). Critical Inquiry & Research Methods just sounds boring. And boring things are difficult for me. Well, except for shelving books. That was boring but I was really good at it. Although to some extent that was difficult, also. I just didn't want to to do it. I get to read the four Gospels within the next two weeks for my New Testament class which means an average of 12-13 pages a day. Which means I should probably get started.
On an information sheet that we're supposed to turn in for one of my classes, we were supposed to say something about ourselves that we thought our professor would like to know or was interesting about ourselves. I was very tempted to write, "I really like people but I'm ridiculously shy and sometimes come across as being snobby or stuck up. It's kinda more than lame." Instead I wrote, "I want to go into Marriage and Family Therapy."
OH MY GOODNESS. This whole business of being a TA is kinda crazy. I have so so much to do for that. I'm still not officially working until I get this form turned in. I had to do some online TA training to fill it out. I need to get my professor to sign it. I need to get the Head TA to finalize the schedule and okay my hours and lecture attendance. I hope it all works out... This week is CRAZY. I have TA training on Wednesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my bishop on Wednesday evening. I have volunteer orientation at Utah State Hospital on Saturday morning (still need to find a ride to that). I desperately need to go to the grocery store sometime. Everything seems so crazy right now because I haven't organized everything in my planner and my work hours aren't finalized. I think as soon as that gets done I'll find myself feeling a lot better about everything. Right now all these things are floating around in my head and I'm just struggling to remember everything. AHH!
Homework time.
Right now I feel so crazy. I'm incredibly excited about this semester but trying to get organized the first week is a bit overwhelming. I'm still arranging my schedule my around. I dropped the Civilizaton: Literature class and I switched to a different Abnormal Psychology class. Instead of having class from 4-6:30 on Monday I'll have class from 5-7:30 on Wednesday which will make my Wednesday schedule a bit longer and my Monday schedule a bit better for my calling and not so rushed.
Today I went to five classes (I changed Psychology after going for the first class) and I knew people in the first four of those. It was fantastic! I met some other people too which was really nice. I had lunch with Missy and Rachel at the MOA cafe and I think we're going to start up MOA Mondays again with a little group of friends. There's nothing like overpriced salads and good conversation on Mondays! I miss people. My last fall semester at BYU was my freshman year. Weird how everything has changed so much since then. Also...I HATE how crowded it is on campus again! Major semesters bug the heck out of me. People EVERYWHERE.
(There's a tuba playing in one of Regina Spektor's songs on her latest album. That's exciting!)
I'm really quite nervous about my Abnormal Psychology and Critical Inquiry & Research Methods classes. Abnormal Psychology is going to really interesting but it just seems a bit more difficult than my other classes (based on the syllabus, at least). Critical Inquiry & Research Methods just sounds boring. And boring things are difficult for me. Well, except for shelving books. That was boring but I was really good at it. Although to some extent that was difficult, also. I just didn't want to to do it. I get to read the four Gospels within the next two weeks for my New Testament class which means an average of 12-13 pages a day. Which means I should probably get started.
On an information sheet that we're supposed to turn in for one of my classes, we were supposed to say something about ourselves that we thought our professor would like to know or was interesting about ourselves. I was very tempted to write, "I really like people but I'm ridiculously shy and sometimes come across as being snobby or stuck up. It's kinda more than lame." Instead I wrote, "I want to go into Marriage and Family Therapy."
OH MY GOODNESS. This whole business of being a TA is kinda crazy. I have so so much to do for that. I'm still not officially working until I get this form turned in. I had to do some online TA training to fill it out. I need to get my professor to sign it. I need to get the Head TA to finalize the schedule and okay my hours and lecture attendance. I hope it all works out... This week is CRAZY. I have TA training on Wednesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my bishop on Wednesday evening. I have volunteer orientation at Utah State Hospital on Saturday morning (still need to find a ride to that). I desperately need to go to the grocery store sometime. Everything seems so crazy right now because I haven't organized everything in my planner and my work hours aren't finalized. I think as soon as that gets done I'll find myself feeling a lot better about everything. Right now all these things are floating around in my head and I'm just struggling to remember everything. AHH!
Homework time.
30.8.09
28.8.09
Awake.
I think it's because it's late. Not why I'm awake but why I'm feeling like I do.
I'm scared and lonely.
I didn't write a letter today. I was too busy.
It's 2 AM.
Today was a good day. I visited two of my teachers from elementary school. I got seasons 3 and 4 of House, Au Revoir Simone's and Regina Spektor's latest albums. I saw old friends and got to hold a baby. I played a lot of Nertz and Speed.
I get depressed late at night. I leave tomorrow. I kinda just want someone to give me a hug. I don't miss him right now. Although I feel somewhat empty. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep. I didn't feel empty today when I saw Mrs. Sunseri at her nursing home and talked and smiled and cried with her. I didn't feel empty when she hugged me. I have no idea why I want to study gerontology. But I felt reassured that it was right as I left Village on the Park. I didn't feel empty then.
It got me thinking. I love Brenden. I expended a lot of time and energy in showing that love to him. I love people. Maybe now I'm supposed to use my time and energy in showing that love towards others. Do I even have enough time to help like I want to? Am I even going to do it?
I want to be there for people. No one should be alone. No one should ever be alone.
I'm scared and lonely.
I didn't write a letter today. I was too busy.
It's 2 AM.
Today was a good day. I visited two of my teachers from elementary school. I got seasons 3 and 4 of House, Au Revoir Simone's and Regina Spektor's latest albums. I saw old friends and got to hold a baby. I played a lot of Nertz and Speed.
I get depressed late at night. I leave tomorrow. I kinda just want someone to give me a hug. I don't miss him right now. Although I feel somewhat empty. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep. I didn't feel empty today when I saw Mrs. Sunseri at her nursing home and talked and smiled and cried with her. I didn't feel empty when she hugged me. I have no idea why I want to study gerontology. But I felt reassured that it was right as I left Village on the Park. I didn't feel empty then.
It got me thinking. I love Brenden. I expended a lot of time and energy in showing that love to him. I love people. Maybe now I'm supposed to use my time and energy in showing that love towards others. Do I even have enough time to help like I want to? Am I even going to do it?
I want to be there for people. No one should be alone. No one should ever be alone.
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